A Yellow Rose Has Eight Meanings
by Amaranti
Summary: After Regionals Blaine offers Sebastian a chance to restart their friendship and they try to make it work, both of them distrustful and unsure and having to deal with the sexual tension between them without actually resolving it.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **A Yellow Rose Has Eight Meanings  
><strong>Author: <strong>Amaranti  
><strong>Rating: <strong>NC-17  
><strong>Pairings: <em>SebastianBlaine_**, Blaine/Kurt, allusions to Kurt/Dave  
><strong>Warnings: <strong>Sexual content, adult language, possible dub-con, slut shaming, certain kinds of infidelity (no actual sex, but flirting/sexting/phone sex/erotic fantasies/wet dreams), mentions/discussion of (Dave Karofsky's) suicide attempt

**Summary: **After Regionals Blaine offers Sebastian a chance to restart their friendship and they try to make it work, both of them distrustful and unsure and having to deal with the sexual tension between them without actually resolving it.

The story starts after _On My Way_.

* * *

><p><em>Blaine is too good for you<em>. _Chances are, by the end of…_

Sebastian doesn't remember the exact words. They don't matter.

_Fuck. _Fuck everything.

For a heartbeat or two he wants to give everything up. Not in the way Dave Karofsky wanted, no. He's too terrified of the very idea of death to even dream about doing _that_.

But…

The second place trophy sits on the table silently, completely ignoring Sebastian. (It's a fucking inanimate object, of course it doesn't want to have small talk with him.) Sebastian frowns before clenching his hands into tight fists, nails digging painfully into his skin, trying to fight the urge to just grab that fucking trophy and sling it across the room, maybe even out of the window. It's too big to flush down the toilet, which is the fate it most deserves.

At least it doesn't have feelings, Sebastian thinks with a wry smile. At least it won't get hurt by his angry glares and small, bitter sighs.

During his (_their_) performances he was so happy to bask in the attention and approval of the crowd. All those smiling faces, the enthusiastic clapping and cheering made him feel nothing less than elated. Yet what Sebastian felt there was a strange mixture of wishing he could stay on the stage for the rest of his life and wanting it to end, because the longer it lasted, the more chance Sebastian had to fuck up. He was confident he won't, because they practiced _so_ much and because he is awesome as fuck, but, well, _still_.

After all, he's (_The Warblers are_) still only second best.

After the announcement of the winners the Warblers ignored him as best as they could. One of them accidentally caught his gaze and the boy turned away as quickly as possible. Sebastian doesn't even know his name, which is actually saying a lot about his relationship with the boys he should have led to victory.

And so he is left sitting alone with only that fucking trophy to keep him company. He thinks about the _That means nothing to me_, he thinks about the warm, tentative pressure of Blaine's palm and the feeling of the cold, heavy trophy in his other hand, he thinks about that strange look on Blaine's face; maybe pity, maybe sadness, maybe sympathy, something that at the very least didn't look antagonistic.

He thinks about the urge to reach out for him once Blaine turned away to go back to his club to celebrate their victory, thinks about his annoyance as he watched Blaine being hugged and patted on the back by his friends and then having to deal with the Warblers treating him like a goddamned leper.

"Hello, Sebastian."

The voice immediately yanks him out of his thoughts. The only reason he doesn't jump in his seat is that he is Sebastian Smythe and he doesn't show his surprise at something as simple as a greeting, not even if it is Blaine.

When he looks up Blaine is already leaning against the desk in front of Sebastian, arms folded in front of his chest; to shield himself or to make him seem confident and tough, Sebastian isn't sure. Either way, it is absolutely adorable and makes Sebastian wish for nothing but to be able to draw Blaine into an embrace, to wrap his own arms around his body.

Sebastian blinks in surprise, because that train of thought went in a quite unexpected direction. His eyes wander from Blaine's arms up to his neck, rest for a moment on the cute golden bowtie before arriving to his face.

Blaine is as pretty as ever, but his expression is empty in a way Sebastian is pretty sure means he's desperately trying to hide any emotion from him. It makes Sebastian a bit uncomfortable, because Blaine used to be such an open book to him. Well, a book he misunderstood terribly; to think that it would be easy to make Blaine cheat on his boyfriend with him had been one of Sebastian's biggest miscalculations in a very long time.

He really doesn't like Blaine's new, carefully blank expression. And when he remembers Blaine's smile, the one so _honest_ and so _happy_, he feels something behind his ribcage ache. It's a sweet pain, if that makes any sense; something that takes his breath away for a moment. He doesn't get it. But he knows that he misses that smile a lot, the one that reached Blaine's eyes and made them even more beautiful than they usually were, the smile that couldn't be mistaken for being just polite or forced. If smiles could be translated into words that smile would have said: _Oh, hi, it's so good to see you, I'm so happy, so glad you're here!_ A smile that wasn't tainted by anything untrue or mean or arrogant, like Sebastian's smiles. It was just… _real_.

"Um, well," Blaine whispers, looking down. Sebastian feels almost awkward, wondering what his expression was to make Blaine unable to hold his gaze any longer. "You were great. I was honestly impressed. Proud, you know, and relieved. Even without me, the Warblers were really, really awesome. So thank you, I guess. The Warblers are a team and every member matters, but from the ex-leader to the current one; we both know not everyone is… Well, how should I say it?"

Sebastian grins at him, a giddy feeling swelling in his chest. Blaine _gets it_. He acts sometimes like he doesn't, too shy and too sweet and too nice, but Blaine knows what this is about, of course he does, this is why he is still so dear to the Warblers. He was like Sebastian, except a lot friendlier and approachable, pretended not to be as proud and didn't put anyone into hospital.

"There's no need to try to sound so… democratic. We both know nobody matters as much as the leader."

Blaine is glaring at him fiercely, his eyes burning with anger, but he doesn't say anything; doesn't disagree with Sebastian. This makes Sebastian grin even harder, grin so much his face starts to ache and Blaine's lips turn down in a scowl in return, but he remains silent. But it isn't an uncomfortable silence; it feels rather like the silences while playing chess and waiting for the next step of his enemy (_opponent_, Sebastian's father loved to correct him when he was a little boy, _because towards an enemy you feel hatred and there's no need to care enough about anyone to hate them)._

"After the slushie, how did you manage to convince them not only to not kick your dictatorial ass out of the club but to still let you lead them?"

Blaine sounds _mad_, he really does, his voice loud and strong and somehow rough in a way that sends a shiver down Sebastian's spine. Blaine like this is something new, though not entirely unexpected and it would be _so_ sexy, if only it didn't make Sebastian's stomach clench uncomfortably in guilt.

But Sebastian already gave Blaine an apology. He knows that wasn't enough, knows that _almost blinding_ Blaine is not something that can be erased with a few words. But fuck, apologizing is really hard. Sebastian felt _so_ bad; the news about Dave Karofsky a heavy weight on his shoulders, the knowledge of what being such a little piece of shit helped to cause (or maybe not stop) and the _That means nothing to me_ like a kick in the guts_. _It was horrifying to be so vulnerable in front of them, mostly Santana and Kurt, perhaps the two people Sebastian had been the most terrible to and yet the ones who had stood up against him without any hesitation, fought back with so much strength and confidence. Able to frustrate Sebastian so damned much, because in the end he never had anything he could use to do more than a few shallow scratches, no real opportunity to actually defeat them. And to be unable to wear his mask of unbreachable arrogance made him feel so much more vulnerable than sitting mother-naked in front of them ever could. At least Santana's girlfriend seemed harmless enough for Sebastian not to feel threatened by her presence and Blaine was, well…

"Cat got your snarky tongue for once, huh?" Blaine taunts him, finally getting bored of Sebastian's lack of an answer. Anger takes the place of guilt instantly, a hot flame of fury flaring up in his chest at the spitefulness in Blaine's voice. Sebastian guesses he deserves this and he deserves a million other, much crueler things even more, but he's still pissed and he still wants nothing but to shut Blaine up.

"I sucked and fucked them until they had no choice but to obey me," Sebastian deadpans, raising his eyebrows calmly at Blaine. Blaine fucking _recoils_ at this and his expression is filled with so much sheer disgust Sebastian actually feels a bit offended.

He shouldn't have said that. Too much for Blaine. But he doesn't show in any way that he realizes he miscalculated, made yet another mistake.

Blaine forces out a laugh, but it is so _fake_ Sebastian cringes in second hand embarrassment.

"Most of them are straight," Blaine says, valiantly trying to sound unaffected, but a hint of something like doubt taints his tone. Sebastian wants to laugh bitterly, but he doesn't.

"So?" Sebastian rolls his eyes. A part of him (the part that dislikes the way Blaine's staring at him like he is nothing but a cheap whore) is screaming at him to reassure Blaine he really was only joking. But there is another part, the stubborn and so, so stupid part of him that still fights tooth and nail against even the very idea of admitting making a mistake. "An orgasm is an orgasm, isn't it?"

Blaine opens his mouth, but then he closes it and unfolds his arms to make a movement with his hands that probably means _Fuck it, you're not worth this. _They stare at each other until the tension becomes too much for Sebastian and he gives in with a soft sigh.

"They didn't want me," Sebastian begins. Blaine's face swiftly becomes a bit less angry and a lot more confused. "Didn't even like me, especially after the whole slushie incident, but they did need me. I realized it quite soon, even without your much desired insights." Sebastian puts air quotes around 'much desired', which is probably a mean thing to do. He is staring at the table now, so he can't see the expression on Blaine's face. "I realized that they can't really function without someone like me. Or you, but you weren't in the picture anymore, so you no longer mattered." Sebastian glances up just in time to see Blaine open his mouth to say something, now clearly looking pissed (not like he has any right, because he _did_ left the Warblers for a boy, like some needy, lovesick _idiot_). Sebastian continues quickly, refusing to give Blaine a chance to speak. "They didn't want to do Michael Jackson, because it wouldn't have been… I don't know, appropriate? After what happened to you. And when I told them that okay, then we will do something else they were all like 'Well, great, then let's pretend nothing bad ever happened'. Because they all knew that someone had to be their captain, the one to sing lead, the one to be in the middle, the one to tell them how to dance, where to step, what to do with their arms. Without a person like that, they wouldn't have gotten anywhere. They couldn't have decided which songs to sing, couldn't have come up with the choreography, they would have argued too much and made too much compromises. And they needed someone to take responsibility. So they could console themselves with the fact that the reason they've lost wasn't mostly them, but me." Sebastian can't stop some of the bitterness he feels seeping into his tone. Blaine's face relaxes a bit; his forehead smoothes out, his eyes kind of become softer and prettier and there's a strange smile playing at the corner of his lips. But Sebastian can't enjoy it for long, because he quickly realizes what these little changes on Blaine's face mean; _pity_.

_Fuck_. This is the last thing Sebastian wants.

"But you were really, really good and…" Blaine starts, his voice slow and gentle as if he is talking to a child. Sebastian feels his stomach twist unpleasantly once again. Blaine does this to him a lot and he does this without having any idea about it, which only makes it that much worse.

"Shut up!" Sebastian snaps at him. _Damn it._ He was quite proud of himself for being able to hide his disappointment and anger at the Warblers' defeat in front of everyone. But now that it's only the two of them he can't stop acting like a spoiled brat, like the sore loser he truly is. "I don't need empty words to console me."

"They're not empty!" Blaine huffs. "I truly mean them! But fine, I won't be nice if you don't want me to be nice. Looks like not only can't you be anything but mean and cruel to others, you can't deal with others being nice to you either."

_I have never meant to be mean and cruel to you_, Sebastian thinks bitterly. _And nobody but you tried to be nice to me._

He stands up suddenly, walking around the desk to stop only two steps before Blaine. He just can't stay sitting; he feels too restless.

He wants to change the topic. And the only thing he can think of in the short time he has before the silence becomes too uncomfortable is the question always nagging him, always something heavy and a dull aching in his chest.

"So your eyes are completely okay now, right? No complications? You know, I honestly didn't mean to hurt you like that. Or hurt Kurt. I didn't want to _blind_ him. I'm an asshole, sure, but not a psychopath. The internet said rock salt makes iced drinks colder and it stains clothes and everybody knows how much of a crazed fashionista your dear boyfriend is."

It's not an apology. Sebastian has no excuses; what he did was _wrong_ and that's all there is to it. But he does want Blaine to understand that he never wanted it to happen _like that_. He wants to apologize to Kurt too, and Santana and Rachel and her fiancé and Dave Karofsky, of course, for starters. But before any of them he wants Blaine to forgive him, _truly_ forgive him; not just try to make him feel better about their defeat or whatever he is trying to do right now.

Blaine looks like he's expecting Sebastian to burst out laughing any moment.

"But you could have apologized or something," Blaine shrugs, like it's no big deal, but then he swallows quickly, almost nervously and glances up at Sebastian, his eyes hard and Sebastian couldn't look away if his life depended on it. "It took you a fucking _suicide attempt_ to realize that maybe your actions have consequences, because apparently an eye surgery is nothing, huh? I'm really not trying to say that they're the same; obviously death cannot be compared to losing an eye and neither really happened. But… if you really aren't a psychopath you should have felt at least a bit bad about it."

"I did feel bad!" Sebastian says, angry at Blaine's anger and mostly angry at himself, because he's the one to blame for… well, for everything. He had to steal a sleeping pill from his mother's reticule after the… _accident_ happened, with Blaine's screams echoing in his mind and _surgery_ and _he might loses an eye_ repeating themselves like a broken record. "But I couldn't show… weakness."

Blaine stares at him, puzzled and disgusted. But it's okay; Sebastian is used to such looks.

"You know how sometimes politicians all around the world do a lot of really, really stupid shit but they try to convince the plebs that they're actually saving the country? I was like that too. Too proud to admit that I was wrong, that I _horribly_ miscalculated. And I thought… if I pretended not to be affected then the Warblers would maybe think that nothing too bad happened. And I couldn't be sure that Santana wasn't just making the whole surgery thing up to scare us and try to turn the Warblers against me."

"She wouldn't use such a dirty trick."

Sebastian's laugh is filled with mocking disbelief, but Blaine holds his gaze valiantly, standing up for one of his innumerable friends even if she isn't there to hear Sebastian's words. Probably wouldn't care about them, anyway.

"She totally would. Maybe you think you know her better, but believe me that I recognize a kindred spirit when I meet one. There aren't a lot of us."

Blaine sighs theatrically, frustration oozing from him. He turns his head toward the door and takes a step forward and for a heartbeat Sebastian thinks he will storm out of the room and Sebastian will never see him again. But he stops after that one step and Sebastian can't help the soft sigh of pure relief escaping him. Blaine doesn't seem to notice it, luckily.

Blaine looks upset. Angry, even, and almost hurt. And Sebastian, who so often enjoys the looks of distress and irritation caused by his mean comments and schemes (not because he's a sadist or anything like that, but because every one of them is yet another small victory), Sebastian doesn't feel anything but discomfort watching Blaine.

Sebastian didn't want to hurt him, neither with words nor with actions.

But he doesn't give a shit if others hate him, because he doesn't care about others.

Except he starts to understand that people are more than toys he can play with and manipulate, smirking when they react at his hurtful teasing (bullying is a too ugly word).

_It took you a fucking suicide attempt to realize that maybe your actions have consequences._

He doesn't know what to do.

He wants Blaine, but maybe even more than that he wants Blaine's forgiveness.

But he knows he doesn't deserve it.

And even if he did get it…What would happen after that? How long till Sebastian fucks everything up yet again?

He knows how to use words as weapons, but he also knows he will never be able to learn what to say to make things better. He tried it at the Lima Bean and got nothing but confused, mistrustful looks and a _That means nothing to me_.

But maybe his expression is able to convey at least a bit of what he wishes his words could, because Blaine's eyes lose that almost hostile coldness. His look is not friendly, not warm, but it's _something_. Like Blaine has no idea what to feel, what to think of Sebastian, what to expect from him, but at least he doesn't think he is a complete asshole beyond forgiveness and redemption.

Or something like that.

Blaine's eyes shine like gems even in the pale, artificial lights of the room; Sebastian can only imagine how they could fucking _sparkle_ in the bright, almost blinding sunshine of a summer day. The color of his eyes is like pure gold and warm, sweet honey and glittering amber.

"Your eyes are truly pretty."

Sebastian wants to bang his head against the nearest wall once his mind understands the words that were somehow able to slip out of his mouth. That… _what the fuck was that_? Because fine, he uses quite cheesy pick up lines sometimes (the guys at Scandals don't deserve or need sophisticated flirting, if such a thing exists at all), but… not like that.

He uses them when he wants something (like a warm mouth or a tight ass or a thick cock) and while he totally wants them _in theory _this time too, the reality is that he knows that – right now, at least – he has no chance of even getting to kiss Blaine, let alone doing anything more with him.

"Are they even real or just fancy contact lenses?"

_Fuck._ Well, apparently the world just can't continue spinning if Sebastian doesn't say at least one stupid, mean comment per minute.

"They're totally real!" Blaine pouts, a faint dusting of pink across his cheeks and Sebastian just wants to put him into his blazer pocket because of how adorable he is; tooth-rotting sweet and shaking Sebastian's hand while all of his friends were celebrating their victory and no doubt the best thing in this pathetic town. "Um, I guess thank you, Sebastian."

"So I'm just saying that it would have really sucked if the surgery failed."

And Blaine – just a moment ago practically preening and looking up at Sebastian with a demure smile –, Blaine _slaps_ him, without warning and so fucking hard tears spring into Sebastian's eyes and he tumbles backwards, raising his palm to press against his aching cheek.

"What the _fuck_ was that for?" Sebastian splutters, moving his arm and looking down at his palm and it's not like he's expecting blood or some dramatic shit like that, but his cheek hurts, it fucking _stings_ and Sebastian Smythe isn't someone anyone can _slap_ as if he were nothing but an insolent little brat.

"It would have sucked not because then _you_ wouldn't be able to take pleasure in how pretty both of my eyes are, but because it would be terrible _for m_e to live the rest of my life one-eyed. Don't look away, you coward!" There's nothing sweet or coy about this Blaine; the change so sudden it almost feels bizarre. But Sebastian gets that this is the part where Blaine _finally_ snapped, where everything, all of Sebastian's horrible bullshit became too much for him. It's actually really hot, Blaine's beautiful eyes bright with anger and his expression tense and determined, except the feeling of guilt once again starts to gather in Sebastian's stomach, heavier and more painful than ever before except when he found out what happened to Dave Karofsky. "And that slap was also for saying offensive things to my boyfriend, for saying offensive things to and about my friends – and the slushies, too. And the blackmail and just… just everything you've done to hurt New Directions. And what you've made the Warblers take part in. Just simply being a little piece of shit to everyone you don't want to fuck and even if you do want to fuck them you don't have any idea how to treat them like… like _anyone_ deserves to be treated, not just those you find fuckable. You look like you've already lost the thread, so the point is; you _suck_, Sebastian."

Blaine falls silent, but he is still gesturing wildly with his arms and seems to try really hard to spit out his next words. For a terribly absurd moment Sebastian remembers a scene from a really stupid romantic comedy he was forced to watch years ago where the heroine complained about the hero's bad qualities for like five minutes before saying something along the lines of 'And not only did you manage to knock me up, you also made me fall in love with you, you utter bastard!'. Of course that scene has nothing to with what is going on with Sebastian and Blaine, because the only thing more bizarre than Sebastian knocking Blaine up would be if he somehow managed to make him fall in love with him. He honestly has no idea why that film came into his mind.

"But the worst thing?" Blaine continues suddenly, looking everywhere but into Sebastian's eyes. It's strange, especially since just a minute or so ago Blaine was the one demanding Sebastian not to look away from him. Sebastian is a bit intrigued now. "I trusted you! I thought we were friends! Maybe it wasn't nice to hide the fact we talked from Kurt, but we hadn't done anything we shouldn't have. I talked to you about our idea to do Michael Jackson because I thought you would be… I don't know, honorable enough not to steal it. Yeah, you were in a rival club, but you were also my friend! But you _betrayed_ me, Sebastian! What were you _thinking_? That I would stay friends with you even after you sold me out to my friends? Or that I would be okay with your slushie shenanigan? Kurt is important to me, more important than you. There's no way I would have continued to be friends with you after you tried to hurt my boyfriend, but I guess you thought you are so awesome you would be forgiven for anything, huh? Or did you just simply not care about our friendship at all?"

And geez, that kind of really hurts. To finally understand that Blaine's anger wasn't just born from the obvious reasons – for example that Sebastian is an asshole and that having a surgery is not a lot of fun –, but because… because _trust_ and _Blaine thought they were friends_.

"I have no excuses. I wanted to win and the slushie was a horrible mistake and it wasn't fair to try to use blackmail to secure the Warblers' victory, but you know what? Life is never fair. Because if you want to achieve something, if you want to succeed? Being nice and honorable – to use your word – won't get you anywhere. I mean, how do you think the world works? Just because you have a bunch of friends and sometimes you dance and sing together doesn't mean you're going to get what you want."

Blaine doesn't look mad anymore. He's probably the kind of person who is drained of all of his anger in a matter of minutes, no matter what happened. Not necessarily quick to forgive, but the optimistic who doesn't see the point of being mad for too long when the sun is shining brightly and smiling is a lot more fun than frowning.

"Actually, this is exactly what happened," Blaine says, his eyes twinkling playfully. His mood whiplashes make Sebastian dizzy. "A bunch of friends danced and sang together and we got the first place trophy."

Sebastian almost laughs. How witty, seriously.

"Home court advantage, Blaine," he shrugs.

Blaine rolls his eyes, but his lips are twitching, probably trying to curl into a smile against his will.

"I saw you smiling and cheering us on."

Sebastian can't deny Blaine's accusation. The afterglow of his own performances, that so rare and so wonderful feeling of elation and pure joy had still not left his body when the New Directions were on the stage and they were great, _really_ great, they sounded amazing and looked amazing and Sebastian did cheer them on; why wouldn't he?

"This still doesn't mean you deserved to win more than we did."

Blaine sighs, a bit exasperated.

"I guess you just can't end a conversation without having the last words, can you?"

Sebastian doesn't want to end the conversation. He feels like he could talk with Blaine for the rest of his life, maybe even getting slapped a few more times would be worth it.

But Blaine looks like he wants to go. He probably has a boyfriend and a million other friends waiting for him, maybe a celebration party where he's going to be the one to sing lead.

"So… what is going to happen?" Sebastian asks. Blaine's eyebrows knit together in confusion and yeah, that question was kind of vague, wasn't it? "Do you still have my phone number? Will you come to Dalton again? Would it be okay if I joined you and whoever is with you at the Lima Bean sometimes? Or is this the last time I'll ever see you? Because I won't stalk you if you tell me you do not wish to meet me ever again. I promise I won't."

Waiting for Blaine's answer is almost more terrifying than waiting for the winner of Regionals to be announced. But Blaine doesn't stay silent for too long and when he starts to speak his voice sounds sure, unwavering, calm, but Sebastian picks up the way his hands curl into fists so tight they must be painful and how Blaine isn't looking at him.

"I'm in love with Kurt. And I do not care if _you_ can't understand why. Actually, do you have any idea how much easier it is to love him than to even tolerate you? And it doesn't matter if you don't like his face or clothes or whatever, because I do, I absolutely adore his face, I think it's the cutest face I've ever seen and yeah, sometimes I don't like his clothes because they're so damn difficult to remove, but I digressed. My point is that I won't break up with him and I won't cheat on him, I don't want you to be my lover or my boyfriend. Not even friends with benefits, okay? I really don't want to lead you on. I'm willing to give our friendship a second chance, but don't expect anything else. And you have to try to make it work. You have to try really, _really_ hard, because you've done so much horrible shit and right now I really can't trust you an inch. Are we clear?"

Sebastian forces his lips into a smile.

It's not like he expected anything else. Or, well, he expected Blaine to avoid him completely. So this is actually pretty awesome.

_Friendship_. Right. Why not? It's pretty nice of Blaine.

Except also kind of _fuck him_, because it's mighty generous of him to tell Sebastian _now_ that he doesn't want to lead him on, but then what the fuck was he doing all those times he looked down with a pretty blush on his face when Sebastian flirted with him or laughed into the phone at Sebastian's playful teasing? He loves Kurt this fucking much? Cool, but why couldn't he give Sebastian sooner this minor detail? Because if saying something along the lines of 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend, I don't want to hurt him' while practically begging Sebastian with _those eyes_ to screw him on the table and shivering so deliciously, like a fucking virgin under Sebastian's desirous gaze isn't leading Sebastian on, then what is?

"It's fine if you don't want to be just friends. I have many other friends. But I want to remind you that _you_ do not have anyone but me to call a friend." Sebastian opens his mouth to object, even though Blaine is right, but Blaine presses one finger against his own lips with a warning glare. Sebastian doesn't know why he isn't a lot more outraged by the insolence of the gesture. "The way you talked about the Warblers made it quite clear you only use but do not really care about them. Your parents basically neglect you. Your lacrosse teammates tolerate you because you're good, but they don't like you because you'd rather be an attorney or even a performer than a professional sportsman and because you never join their discussions about 'getting all the pussy'. New Directions is wary of you and you really can't blame them, now can you?" Sebastian must be staring at him with a mixture of surprise and grudging admiration, because Blaine is grinning proudly at him. "I wasn't the only one babbling on and on while we talked on the phone, you know. And you aren't the only one who can use the unsuspectingly given information to… So my point is that I know you're lonely. I know you hate doing your homework alone at the Lima Bean, cheerfully chatting friends and couples all around you. It's not like you don't have way too much one night stands so if you only wanted sex from me, you would have given up on me the first time I rejected you. The truth is, you like me as a friend. You like talking to me, you like helping me with my homework, you like laughing and joking with me, you like it when I complain about things that suck in my life and you like to complain about everyone and everything to me."

Sebastian wants to do his sarcastic clapping, but he has a vague feeling it wouldn't be appropriate. And he is actually a bit impressed, if he wants to be honest. Even though he also feels really uncomfortable, because the way Blaine described him makes him feel like a total loser and he is anything but a loser.

And it sounded like somehow he _needs_ Blaine, but he doesn't need _anyone_.

"Okay," Sebastian starts carefully, suddenly wanting to leave but feeling like he can't just yet. "But why do you expect _me_ to trust _you_?"

"Isn't that mighty rich coming from you?"

"Exactly," Sebastian shrugs, smiling sadly at Blaine, because he kind of feels sad and doesn't have enough strength to hide his emotions right now. "How can I trust someone I have betrayed? What if this is just a very cunning scheme you and your buddies cooked up to humiliate me or something?"

Blaine's eyes widen in shock before he lets out a long-suffering sigh.

"Okay. I give up. You're… You're not worth it. Forget it. Just… yeah, just forget it."

And he turns away, starts to walk toward the door with brisk steps like he's relieved to finally leave Sebastian.

No fucking way Sebastian is going to let him go just like that after everything.

Blaine wants to be friends with him. Sebastian wants more but he knows he can't have _that_ (something he isn't sure what is actually, except maybe sometimes he feels like he kind of wants _everything_ when it comes to Blaine, which is totally impossible, he knows) and being friends with Blaine seems to be better than anything else going on in his life right now. Not that there is much of a competition, of course.

"Wait!" Sebastian shouts after him, even though Blaine is still in the room, still close enough to hear him without having to raise his voice. But it's more dramatic and Blaine seems to have a penchant for dramatic things. "I'm sorry. I… I would like to be friends with you. I, um, I did miss talking to you and stuff."

Blaine stops, but doesn't turn back. Sebastian doesn't like the sight of his back when he could be gazing into his eyes, but he doesn't dare to demand Blaine to look at him.

"You took our friendship for granted, Sebastian. Don't make that mistake again. And no more flirting, okay?"

Sebastian halfheartedly takes a step forward to stop Blaine and explain him why trying to be Sebastian's friend is the worst idea ever.

But Blaine is out of the door before he has the chance.

* * *

><p>Sebastian finishes his croissant and puts the empty plate into the washbasin on top of the already way too big pile of plates. He hasn't seen his mother in three days. Their last charwoman was fired because… well. His mother said the woman had been stealing money and jewelry for months before she was caught poking around is Sebastian's bedroom, but the charwoman herself told him she had to be fired because one night (when Sebastian was at Scandals, probably) she caught his mother with her skirt on the floor and a man's head moving between her thighs. <em>Maybe the man was your father, boy. I don't have any idea how he looks<em>, she said, sounding so gentle it made Sebastian's skin crawl and he just rolled his eyes because what would a State's attorney do in a state that doesn't have a State's attorney?

His phone rings suddenly, breaking the almost eerie quiet of the empty house. _Almost_, because Sebastian had years to get used to it. The name on the display is a simple _Blaine Anderson. _Sebastian contemplated using the name _Blaine Warbler_, because New Directions sucks and because _Once a Warbler, always a Warbler_ and because that's how all the other Warblers are saved in his phone. He even thought about _sexy!Blaine_ or _super hot!Blaine_, but those would have been incredibly tacky. And sometimes the most obvious solution is the best.

Looks like Blaine did not delete his number.

"Good afternoon, Blaine," Sebastian greets him, trying to filter any flirting playfulness out of his tone. It's surprisingly easy, actually, to sound like nothing but a platonic friend. He hopes Blaine appreciates it. (He really hopes he doesn't.)

"It's almost nine, not exactly afternoon anymore," Blaine's voice is so quiet Sebastian can hardly hear it and it sounds a bit… tired? Weary? Sebastian isn't sure.

"Time sure flies when you're all alone and have nothing to do," Sebastian laughs and Blaine is silent. Sebastian frowns in confusion. What Sebastian said wasn't funny, but Blaine always laughed when Sebastian laughed, even if only out of politeness. "What is wrong?"

"Why do terrible things keep happening to us? What have we done to deserve all this?"

Sebastian starts to worry for real at those words, at the sheer _pain_ in Blaine's voice. Sebastian doesn't have any idea how someone speaks when they are in tears, but suddenly he thinks this is how they must sound. He flops down the couch, absent-mindedly starting to draw circles on the fabric with his free hand and resting his feet on the table (his mother would scream at him for this, but his mother is not here, so tough shit).

"Bad things happen to good people and nothing happens to bad people most of the time, that's how the world works, Blaine."

The noise Blaine makes is half a disgusted scoff, half an agonized sob. He mumbles something into the phone Sebastian can't make out and he isn't sure he wants the words repeated. He shifts on the couch uneasily, wondering how to deal with this. He hates feeling out of his element. He tries to take on a supporting, caring tone, which is rather difficult because he hardly ever has to use anything like that in his day-to-day manipulations of people.

"I'm sorry if that was mean or something. Promise I will listen to you, okay? So tell me, Blaine, what happened?"

Blaine lets out a shuddering breath and for a moment Sebastian thinks he will hang up, but then he starts to speak, his voice heartbreakingly weak and stuttering.

"You know Quinn Fabray? She was in, um, a… a c-car crash. I wasn't there, but… but they said t-there was a lot of blood. Fuck, Sebastian, she might… what if she _dies_? She's in the hospital, um, surgeries and… they said the best outcome would be a wheelchair, the worst… that she dies. Hearing about Dave Karofsky's suicide attempt… that was terrifying enough but at least we knew he's alive, but now…"

The following silence lasts long enough for Sebastian to take in the news. The cold feeling of dread settles in his stomach quite quickly, making him want to vomit. He hardly knows anything about her; Blaine told him she was knocked up by the best friend of her boyfriend and that there was a lot of drama, though Blaine himself wasn't there to see it, but that happened years ago and now she wants (_wanted?_) to go into Yale or something like that.

Sebastian feels himself shiver. He feels like a child. Horrified. At a loss. Useless. There's nothing he can do, because no amount of donation would help keeping Quinn Fabray alive.

"Are you still there?" Blaine asks, sounding worn-out.

"I'm not sure what to say," Sebastian admits, cringing because he isn't used to not being sure about anything. "Sorry."

Blaine kind of… giggles at this. But it's not a happy sound.

"That's why I called you, because I knew you wouldn't say empty platitudes, wouldn't try to comfort me with stuff like 'She'll be alright' while nobody knows whether she survives or not. I can't talk to anyone else. I mean… those who know Quinn are too affected by what happened. You know, I… I'm not too close to her. Almost everyone knows her for longer and better than I do. So I just wanted you to listen and don't say 'supporting' bullshit that will surely piss me off. Thanks. Well, what about you?" Blaine changes topic suddenly, not sounding particularly interested. Not like Sebastian can blame him. It's pretty clear Blaine just wants to take his mind off Quinn Fabray's plight and Sebastian can at the very least try to help him.

"I'm going to visit Dave Karofsky in the hospital. To, um, apologize. And give him the only thing I know that makes people happy."

"You don't mean _that_," Blaine whispers, sounding horrified. Sebastian rolls his eyes. _Geez_, Blaine can be as overdramatic and prudish as his boyfriend sometimes (but at least Blaine is always cute as a button and Sebastian is sure he would be absolutely the best in bed if only he had a lover who knows what to do with him).

"Money," Sebastian specifies. "Do you think fifty dollars would be enough? Or too much?"

There's silence for so long Sebastian opens his mouth to ask Blaine whether he's still there, just at the same time Blaine finally deigns to answer.

"You can't give him money! I… I don't even have words right now, don't you dare to give him money. Do you honestly don't know how to interact with people when it doesn't come to flirting with them or insulting them?"

That's not fair. He wouldn't have come this far if Blaine was right. Okay, so 'this far' mostly means that he's a loner almost everybody loathes or at the very least strongly dislikes, but even that is better than being someone everybody ignores, right? That only his parents and teammates do, most of the time. And he is actually really good at getting what he wants from teachers. One small smile and a _Your dress is very pretty today, Mademoiselle _and he doesn't have to write yet another French essay, for example. And let's not forget all the hot guys wrapped around his little finger at least for twenty minutes. Or moderately hot ones, because the one thing Lima, Ohio lacks more than Courvoisier or a classy restaurant or… fine, it lacks a million other things too, so this wasn't a good analogy. The point is, this hellhole has a serious lack of fuckable guys. Or maybe Paris made Sebastian super spoiled, he isn't sure.

"Well, I do also know how to manipulate and threaten others…" Sebastian focuses back on the conversation.

"Not funny, Sebastian. Anyway, I think you should give him flowers. Or a cake. Something. Just… do not give him money."

"Flowers are stupid and useless." _Fuck_. Sebastian remembers that phone conversation not even a week before the slushie, when Blaine just couldn't shut up about some pathetic flowers Kurt had given him that day. _Dead plants you're going to throw into the bin, don't sound like you just won the lottery, idiot!, _Sebastian wanted to sneer, but he just politely told Blaine he had to go because his mother wants him to help with the laundry. His mother wasn't even home, but it was the best excuse he could come up with at the moment. "And what if he doesn't like cake? Well, everybody likes cake, but what if, I don't know, he is allergic to something in it and has to stay in the hospital for a few more weeks because of it? Because of me? If I gave him money, he could just buy what…"

"Give him a bouquet of Eglantine Roses," Blaine interrupts him, like it's the most natural thing in the world to cut off Sebastian Smythe in the middle of his sentence. "According to Wikipedia this flower means 'a wound to heal', which is, you know, um, kind of fitting, right? And everything else is something about love. Or there's also 'domestic economy', 'a magic spell' and 'a good education'. Huh. Okay, so Eglantine Roses are really beautiful. They have pretty pink petals with a bit of white in the middle, something like that. What do you think?"

And Sebastian can't help the wide smile and the small, silent laugh, can't help the soft warmth blossoming somewhere in his chest. Because here he has Blaine Anderson looking up the meaning of flowers on Wikipedia for him, here Sebastian is talking to him on the phone like they've been friends for years, here Blaine is trying to help him.

And maybe his parents are nowhere to be found and maybe he (_the Warblers_) doesn't have the first place trophy and maybe almost everybody hates him, but there is one person who doesn't – the one person who has the most right to loathe him, betrayed and almost blinded. One person who, tentatively and distrustfully, but somehow still _likes_ him.

Maybe a bit grudgingly, maybe only as a friend, but someone likes Sebastian.

(Sebastian doesn't _need_ anyone to like him, but… but it kind of isn't a bad feeling.)

And at least Lady Luck must find him a bit charming (or perhaps she took pity on him, even if the idea makes Sebastian frown in disgust), because surely it can't be a coincidence that this one so dear, so amazing boy with enough anger and courage to slap him and then ask him if they could be friends again is also the only person Sebastian likes.


	2. Chapter 2

Quinn has to be in a wheelchair.

Like everybody else Blaine is also immensely relieved that at least she is _alive_, of course, but _she has to be in a wheelchair_. The pregnancy, her parents kicking her out when she needed them the most, the whole postpartum depression thing (it's called something like that, right?) are so much more than what any teenager girl should have to go through and now a _car crash_… Blaine doesn't get it; Quinn doesn't deserve this and there is _no reason _it should have happened. This just fucking isn't _fair_.

He thinks about Artie, who is in a wheelchair too and who has a lot of fun and many friends and plans for the future and it is truly great that he can help Quinn but it still shouldn't have happened, neither to Quinn nor to Artie.

They don't deserve this. _No one_ deserves this.

He wanted to punch Sebastian for what he said on the phone. Technically he _was_ right, but you should never say 'Oh yeah, the world is a horrible place and corruption and unfairness happens all the time, just deal with it'. If you _accept_ this you will become… well, the kind of person Sebastian is. When Blaine thinks about it, it does make a frightening amount of sense; if Sebastian believes that there is no point trying to be a good person because bad people get away with all sort of terrible things and nice people are not rewarded for being nice, but are instead screwed over all the time why should he try to be nice? Of course it is bullshit because you _should_ be nice, or at least try to be nice even just for the sake of not being an asshole, but… but this makes the mystery that is Sebastian, well, a _bit_ less of a mystery.

The car crash was something that wasn't any person's fault, something that didn't happen because of the cruelty of humans, but Dave Karofsky's suicide attempt _did_. Bullying is not an accident. And Blaine thinks most of them wouldn't have said and done those things to Dave if they _knew_, but _still_; what happened to Dave, _everything_, was all those absolutely despicable monsters' fault.

Just thinking about it makes Blaine sick to his stomach.

Dave Karofsky is…

Karofsky was a bully.

Dave is a gay teenager violently outed and driven to try to commit suicide.

Karofsky was the main reason Kurt had to transfer last year to another school, away from all his friends in the glee club he loved so much.

Dave gives Kurt the loveliest gifts all week and confesses his love to him on Valentine's Day.

Blaine doesn't know him well, doesn't really know him at all, but of course he understands that he is a lot more complicated than that. Dave Karofsky is also a son, maybe a brother too, Blaine isn't sure, and a friend, a student, a teammate and many, many other things.

Somehow it is easier to think of Dave and Karofsky as two different people – one in the past, one in the present. Blaine doesn't dare to go as far as to call one evil while the other good, because he gets that doing that would grossly simplify everything, but Dave Karofsky really has changed, became a much better person and nobody can doubt that, and therefore the name Dave can embody a person vastly different than Karofsky.

Sometimes Blaine wishes he could do the same with Sebastian.

The slutty twink who gave them fake IDs and flirts with Blaine shamelessly, never failing to make him flustered would be Bas, for example. The lonely teenager boy with no caring parents and real friends who spends so much time at the Lima Bean because the oppressive atmosphere of an empty house gets on his nerves too much would be Bastian. Seb would be the friend who is an attentive (or at least pretending to be) and witty conversational partner, who helps him with his homework and sometimes mentions that he would be happy if Blaine could go to his next lacrosse match. Sebastian would be the captain of the Warblers who is actually a pretty good and talented leader if one ignores his unfair and slightly dictatorial ways (which no one should, of course). Smythe would be the manipulative, sly, backstabbing bastard who almost blinded Blaine and purposefully and repeatedly hurt his boyfriend and his friends.

(Blaine doesn't think Sebastian is pretending to be any of these. Maybe Blaine is wrong, but he's pretty sure they are not masks, not one of them. They are all him.

This is what makes Blaine so curious. It's so, so _stupid_, he knows. But he wants to see more of Sebastian. How exactly does that saying go? _The burnt child dreads fire_, something like that. Apparently Blaine is even more of an idiot than a child, because a scratched cornea isn't enough to deter him from trying to be friends with Sebastian again.

It isn't even just about his attraction to Sebastian's good-looking face and tall, lean body. It's something _more_. Not in a _love_ way, fuck no. Rather in an 'I would wonder 'what if I stayed with you even if only as a friend…' for the rest of my life if I cut all ties with you now' way. Which doesn't make any sense, actually, but Blaine can't explain it better than that.)

But the thing is, Sebastian is Sebastian and nothing else. Blaine doesn't think anyone calls him nicknames, at least he doesn't remember Sebastian mentioning anything. All those mean though not at all undeserved names Blaine's friends call him are not the same as for example a dear friend or his parents having a name for him only they use and fill every vowel with their love for him.

And to be honest Blaine doesn't get Kurt and Santana's obsession with calling Sebastian different species of rodents. Once when he was _way too bored_ he actually looked up pictures of meerkats and chipmunks and while he could find _certain_ similarities they didn't _really_ resemble Sebastian. Well, at least they don't call Sebastian a terrorist. Blaine gets that Rachel – as usual – was just being really, really overdramatic and that people use over the top expressions all the time, but _still_. Using an 'if you stand on your head and squint while you're drunk you might believe it isn't photoshopped' picture as blackmail to win a high school choir competition is a bit different from murdering dozens of innocent people.

Of course Blaine is not _defending_ Sebastian. Sebastian doesn't deserve that, especially not because Blaine's friends have every reason to be mean to someone who had nothing better to do than try to make their lives difficult with his actually mostly totally ineffective (except for that _fucking_ rock salt slushie, of course, which was a lot more _effective_ than Sebastian intended it to be) and often rather cartoon villainish schemes.

Blaine doesn't hear the footsteps and realizes someone is coming only because Kurt's head suddenly moves on his shoulder and he leans away from Blaine, shifting in the uncomfortable hospital chair and letting go of Blaine's hand. Blaine wasn't even aware they had their fingers intertwined. Handholding with his boyfriend has somehow become something as natural as breathing, which is actually not as romantic as it may sound at first. It's soft and intimate in a way that makes Blaine feel giddy with warm joy, but there is also something… well, not _boring_, but…

The person stopping just in front of them is Sebastian.

Blaine's first reaction is _desire; _a wave of pure want crashing over him so hard he almost can't swallow his surprised gasp.

Blaine is just _so_ used to seeing him almost always in his Dalton clothes. Sebastian can wear a damned school uniform with more cold elegance and air of ruthless authority than some CEOs their fanciest, most expensive suits. ("Your whole arrogant power-hungry brat doomed to eternal failure thing? Super hot." Blaine would probably laugh at Sebastian's face, no matter how mean that would be.) And sometimes Sebastian in his blazer looks like the naughtiest schoolboy from the filthiest gay porn video, not that Blaine would ever say that out loud to anyone, not even – or maybe especially not – to Sebastian. He's ashamed of thinking that, but he can't help it; Blaine is pretty sure Sebastian could make wearing a potato sack more erotic than most guys can look while they are wearing nothing at all.

Sebastian right now wearing a cozy looking dark green cardigan, a pale yellow shirt with popped collar and acid wash jeans looks like someone Kurt would probably call a 'first class douche'. But Blaine thinks the outfit totally becomes him (well, he _is_ a first class douche, which means Kurt would be actually right). Anyway, Sebastian is really attractive like this, the huge bouquet of flowers in his hand – they seem to be Eglantine Roses, _wow_, Blaine kind of hoped but didn't really dare to expect Sebastian to listen to his advice – adding _many_ points to his handsomeness. Hey, it's not Blaine's fault he is a sucker for pretty flowers and even prettier boys.

Blaine doesn't feel _yet_ like grinning at Sebastian because their renewed friendship thing is, well, _new_ and for all he knows Sebastian can have another slushie hidden somewhere in that beautiful bouquet, maybe this time with little shards of glass or pins in it. And even if Blaine did want to grin he probably wouldn't really dare with Kurt sitting right next to him. So he just gives Sebastian an awkward little wave.

"Well hello, it's nice to see you two," Sebastian greets them, offering them a small, not very honest smile. He looks uncharacteristically unsure; like this time he doesn't have a million hurtful quips ready to be spit out.

"What are you doing here?" Kurt's tone is accusing; Blaine isn't surprised and doesn't have any right to be mad. "Wait, what is with the flowers? Who is allergic to them?"

Sebastian blinks at Kurt in confusion.

"Nobody, I hope."

"Right," Kurt scoffs, glaring distrustfully at Sebastian. "So if this is not a mean prank…"

Sebastian glances at Blaine and Blaine has the feeling he wants to communicate something with his eyes, but Blaine doesn't understand it.

"I'm here to visit Dave Karofsky. The internet told me these flowers are a good idea to give to someone who is in the hospital."

Blaine is puzzled and offended at first, but he quickly realizes what Sebastian is doing: he thinks they're hiding their friendship this time too. Except Blaine doesn't want to, because damn it, they are not doing anything wrong. They shouldn't have tried to keep it a secret from Kurt before and shouldn't now either. Blaine finally told Sebastian after Regionals, loud and clear, that he doesn't want any more flirting and it's totally okay to have a platonic friendship; even if maybe there is _some_ attraction, if they don't act on it does it really matter? It doesn't matter _at all _then.

"We talked last night on the phone," Blaine admits, trying to sound nonchalant. Any sign of awkwardness, guilt or worry would only make Kurt suspicious. "I don't want to try to stay friends with Sebastian behind your back. Or rather become friends with him again. But we really are only friends, Kurt, nothing more."

There's hurt in Kurt's eyes and Blaine would do anything to make it disappear. He hates that Kurt is upset by the idea of Blaine having a friendship with Sebastian and knows that it is largely Sebastian's fault because not only is he an obnoxious flirt but also an offensive, mean dick, but he hopes that they can do it differently this time. Sebastian could apologize to Kurt and try to be nice to him and Kurt could believe Blaine when he tells him he doesn't have to be jealous, there is nothing to be jealous of, they truly are only friends.

"Well," Kurt licks his lip, his expression thoughtful and a bit wary. He looks up at Sebastian, raising his eyebrows questioningly. "Are you also aware of this, Sebastian?"

Blaine doesn't miss the hidden meaning of Kurt's words: _Is Blaine still trying to lead you on? _He feels a little guilty, because he guesses he kind of led Sebastian on all this time, didn't he? Blaine had told him at the very beginning that Kurt is his boyfriend, but after that he never really stopped Sebastian's flirty compliments and never did anything but blush and look down coyly every time Sebastian leered at him with _those eyes_.

"Blaine most definitely told me," Sebastian shrugs, smiling down at Kurt. It's a strange smile; there is decidedly something unpleasant in it but it isn't outright hostile.

"Why don't you give Dave the roses, Sebastian?" Blaine stands up abruptly, not liking that smile one bit.

"Not before he apologizes."

Blaine knows Kurt is completely right; if Blaine wants his boyfriend and his sort of friend to be maybe not on friendly but at least on civil terms Sebastian _has_ to apologize.

The smirk on Sebastian's face is probably trying to be mocking and superior, but it is actually a rather awkward mixture of strained and annoyingly cocky.

"Sorry," Sebastian spits out the word, his shoulders moving up in a way that is probably supposed to show that he doesn't care at all, but Blaine doesn't miss the way his fingers grip the head of an unfortunate rose and a few petals fall to the hospital floor.

"Sorry for what?" Kurt drawls, looking utterly unimpressed. Blaine can't blame him; he didn't expect Sebastian to burst into tears or beg Kurt to forgive him, but Sebastian isn't even trying to pretend to be at least a tiny bit regretful.

"Whatever you want me to apologize for," Sebastian answers. Blaine wants to groan in frustration; this is probably the worst thing one can say while they are apologizing.

Sebastian _loathes_ apologizing, Blaine knows that. Because apologizing means you admit you have done something wrong and Sebastian can't really accept that he is capable of making mistakes like any other human being. But at least he is _trying_ and that counts for something, right?

"You're just apologizing because you don't want to lose Blaine."

"Lose him?" Sebastian's tone is half-mocking, half-confused, but there is something forced about it. "I _never_ had him."

It doesn't make sense that the words make Blaine's heart clench in… he doesn't even know in _what_.

"Fine, I accept your apology," Kurt announces suddenly, his voice amused and _smug_. He stands up and extends his hand to Sebastian without another word, looking up at him with elegantly arched eyebrows. Sebastian doesn't hesitate to shake his hand, his smile almost pleasant but his eyes colder than ice.

Kurt's smile is wide and bright, the corner of his eyes crinkling; he looks like he knows how very generous and kind he is to accept Sebastian's inefficient apology and he _is_, actually. He has every right not to accept it. Blaine wouldn't be satisfied with it.

Kurt is a competitive person. This is a must if one wants to be a performer; Blaine is like that too, so really, he doesn't mind that. The 'I never had him' was Sebastian finally admitting that he isn't the victorious one in the fight for Blaine; Kurt is better than him because Sebastian couldn't get Blaine.

They could have stayed there for _hours_; Sebastian having to list every terrible thing he had said and done to Kurt, to Blaine, to their friends, to Dave, to New Directions as a whole, to the Warblers, to everybody else. But those four words were more satisfying than anything else Sebastian could have given Kurt. Sebastian swallowed his pride – not an easy thing, that's for sure – to be able to manipulate Kurt into pretending to forgive him so easily.

Blaine knows Kurt cares about him, most of the time he is pretty sure Kurt even _loves_ him and Kurt is better to him than Sebastian could ever even dream to be.

But the whole thing still makes Blaine a bit uncomfortable.

Perhaps, of course, Blaine is actually totally wrong. Perhaps he overcomplicates something totally insignificant and meaningless; perhaps Kurt is just too tired or simply not interested enough to have a battle of wits with Sebastian or listen to all the bullshit he would spew right now.

Kurt leaves then (he wants to buy some candies for Dave and promises to come back as soon as he can) and Blaine doesn't go with him because he wants to talk with Dave and because he feels like he has to be there with Sebastian to kick him in the shin if he says something horrible. Kurt looks around warily before he gives Blaine a quick kiss, nothing but a dry, soft touch of lips and mumbles a 'bye' before turning to go, completely ignoring Sebastian.

"At least he didn't pee on you," Sebastian remarks after Kurt disappears in the corner.

Blaine frowns at him in confusion and disgust. It's a kink or fetish for some people, Blaine knows, but _ew_.

"Like cats do to mark their territory," Sebastian explains, giving Blaine a wry smile. Blaine opens his mouth to say it wasn't like that, except, well, it kind of was, wasn't it?

"How is Quinn Fabray?" Sebastian asks suddenly. "Do you have any news?"

Blaine takes a deep breath as the sudden overwhelming feelings of sadness and horror and frustration and powerlessness to do anything to help her, to even understand why it must have happened wash over him.

"She is alive," Blaine starts, his stomach clenching painfully as Sebastian's worried face breaks into a relieved grin. "But she has to use a wheelchair."

Blaine watches with a heavy heart as the grin slips from Sebastian's lips, watches his Adam's apple bobble as he swallows.

"Well, probably not for the rest of her life. But for a while. Nobody is really sure," Blaine continues quickly, not sounding very comforting. How could he? _Quinn is in a wheelchair_.

Sebastian looks down at the flowers in his hand before his eyes flicker to Blaine's face, offering Blaine the shadow of the smallest smile.

"Let's hope."

Sebastian's voice is quiet and watery and it feels like there is a lot more in it than just the wish for Quinn to get better.

Sebastian puts the bouquet of roses into his other hand and pulls one flower out with an uncharacteristic carefulness, the very tip of his tongue visible between his lips and okay, Blaine can admit it looks a bit cute. No big deal.

"Here," Sebastian extends his arm, the head of the lone Eglantine Rose not even facing Blaine. What the hell; is this the first time Sebastian ever had a flower in his hand? Blaine wouldn't be surprised.

He guesses it is supposed to be a nice gesture, but Blaine is too busy being confused to truly appreciate it.

"An apology because of your eye. I'm not flirting with you; I'm just a regretful friend giving you a flower that means 'a wound to heal'. I know your eye is totally fine now, but, um, in a metaphorical sense? Like the wound can also be the broken trust or whatever because I… what was your word? Betrayed our friendship? I'm not very good with words when I'm trying to make things better, so either take this fucking flower or laugh at me, just… put me out of my misery."

Blaine simply… well, he just _melts_ because this is probably the nicest, the most romantic and the most awkward thing Sebastian has ever done and also the most unintentionally hilarious (yeah, okay, the blackmail thing was hilarious too because of how awfully photoshopped that picture was but it was also hurtful and truly dishonorable). Blaine has to bite his lip so hard it hurts because he knows he would laugh but he doesn't want to do that; no boy who wants to give someone a flower deserves that.

"I will take your fucking flower," Blaine says brightly and his fingers brush Sebastian's hand, skin warm and smooth, as he takes the flower, heart swelling with breathless joy. It's like the Pavlovian Reflex, except he doesn't start to drool when he hears a bell signaling food, but instead becomes all stupidly giddy and dopily smiling when a handsome boy gives him flowers. Well, he has yet to _really_ get flowers from anyone but Kurt and now Sebastian, but still.

There is a difference, of course; Kurt is his boyfriend so naturally he gives Blaine flowers, but Sebastian is… _not his boyfriend_ and roses are a way of wooing and courting, sure, but Sebastian is… not that type of guy.

He must be messing with Blaine. He is going to tease him on the phone the next morning; how much of an idiot Blaine is for blushing and grinning and being happy about one rose. _Flowers are stupid and useless, _after all, according to Sebastian. This must be like the pink bow on that envelope; Sebastian would sneer if anyone ever gave him something with a pink bow on it, would consider it too feminine and silly, but he took the time to put it on the 'engagement gift' for Rachel because he is a sarcastic, offensive dick or something. So the flower is like that too, probably.

"Well, I'm going to apologize to Dave Karofsky now," Sebastian breaks the silence, turning toward the door without bothering to even glance at Blaine. "See you around, I guess? I'll call you up, if you're okay with that?"

"I'm coming with you, I want to see him too," Blaine tells Sebastian's back and he sees Sebastian nod before opening the door of Dave's hospital room.

The last time Blaine saw Dave was at Scandals, but he was too busy dancing with Sebastian then to really take him in. But Dave must have been fine, maybe even actually satisfied and happy with his life, because otherwise Kurt would have stayed in contact with him.

Blaine isn't sure he can consider Dave his rival in love even if he does love Kurt.

Not because he thinks Kurt can't love anyone but him or that Kurt could never love someone like Dave. But Kurt and Dave, they would need time, _so much time_, because maybe they are friends now (well, probably more than Blaine and Sebastian) and Kurt has forgiven him, sure, but Dave is not ready for a relationship. He absolutely needs Kurt's friendship, but a romantic relationship with _any boy _after being forced out of the closet in such a horrible, disgusting way and trying to commit suicide because of that is probably not what Dave wants. And maybe Kurt can forgive him, but that doesn't mean he can forget how Dave used to treat him and if he can't trust Dave enough to be in a romantic relationship with him that's completely understandable, too.

But if months or years later Kurt does fall in love with Dave and Dave still loves him, well, Blaine probably won't be too upset about it.

Because he is pretty sure by that time he won't be Kurt's boyfriend.

Or maybe it is only his insecurities talking. Maybe he is just stupid and paranoid. But more and more he feels like slowly but surely Kurt is falling out of love with him. He still looks at Blaine sometimes like he used to at the beginning; like Blaine is the best thing in this whole beautiful world. But there are times when he feels… _distant_ in Blaine's arms; even if they have their legs intertwined and even if Blaine can hear his heartbeat as he rests his head on Kurt's chest it feels like his boyfriend isn't _truly_ there with him. Blaine is not a mind-reader, but he suspects that Kurt is already planning how to take bite after bite out of the Big Apple, already thinking about the shining, exciting, _new_ city with its million opportunities and career choices and pretty gay boys.

And Blaine will be lucky if Kurt remembers to call him up once or twice a month.

Dave Karofsky looks pale and exhausted and he must have been crying not long ago because his eyes are still red rimmed. But other than these, he seems to be… fine. Obviously he isn't, because he is there sitting in the hospital bed because he tried to commit suicide, but when he glances up at them his small smile seems to be genuine.

"Hi," Dave greets them simply, sounding a little surprised. Blaine supposes he can't blame him for not expecting them to visit him.

"Flowers," Sebastian states the obvious instead of saying hello, awkwardly raising his arm to show Dave the bouquet, like otherwise Dave would miss it. "If you don't like them… sorry?"

Blaine rolls his eyes, amusement and second hand embarrassment warring inside him.

"No, they're, um… very pretty." Dave takes the bouquet and lays it in his lap. Blaine consider asking him whether he should put the flowers somewhere else, but when he looks around he realizes there isn't really a lot of empty spaces in the room. There are flowers, sweets, cakes and other lovely presents from previous visitors everywhere; Blaine is glad so many people care about Dave. He doesn't know what to do with the one rose in his hand either; he doesn't want to offend Sebastian with giving it back or throwing it into the bin. "Thank you. Thanks for visiting me, it's nice of you."

After they sit down Blaine glances at Sebastian, who seems to be a bit paler than he usually is, though maybe it is only a play of the lights or perhaps seeing Dave so wan and being in a hospital room is messing with Blaine's head. One thing he is absolutely sure of, though: Sebastian won't begin.

"I'm really glad you're…" Blaine started the sentence grinning brightly, because grinning is easy and seeing someone grin makes other people happy too most of the time, but his smile quickly slips off his face as he realizes he doesn't know how to finish it. How do you treat someone who just tried to commit suicide? He doesn't want to say anything to hurt or upset Dave, maybe even trigger bad memories or something.

"Alive?" Dave laughs. It doesn't sound forced or sarcastic. Blaine was expecting him to be more… _affected_. If Blaine didn't know what happened, he would think Dave is in the hospital because of something like pneumonia or a broken leg; something out of his control, a sickness or an accident Dave couldn't have done anything to avoid. He would never even consider that Dave might just tried to _kill himself_; that he thought he had nothing left and the best, the _only_ solution was to leave everything behind.

"I'm fine now," Dave says suddenly and Blaine _believes him_. Those few quiet words are somehow enough to completely reassure Blaine that _Dave is fine_, he really is fine now and the road ahead of him is very rocky, sure, but he will make it. There is so much strength and conviction in his expression that Blaine just _knows_ Dave is right. He sees the worry and doubt lurking in the soft curve of Dave's smile too, but he is sure Dave will be able to overcome them, sooner or later.

"I'm going to be happy," Dave smiles, somehow looking like a cheerful child and a grown man ready to live his life at the same time. "I'm going to have an awesome job and the loveliest man is going to be my husband and I'm going to have the most precious kid in the whole world."

It feels like the last piece of the puzzle falling into place. Blaine remembers Kurt talking to him briefly about his visit in Dave's room, telling Blaine that _David _is much better now and how they talked about his future together and Blaine had his doubts that Dave really is okay, because after you try to _commit suicide_ you don't just suddenly become completely fine because you discussed a few things with a friend. But actually this is exactly what seems to have happened because looking at Dave he really is much better now and Blaine feels pride swell in his chest thinking about how amazing Kurt Hummel is. Who else would have been able to talk with Dave and know exactly what to say and what not to say and show him so effortlessly that it is worth it, that life really is full of wonders and joy and maybe it is also full of terrible things and most of all terrible people, but you still shouldn't ever give up.

Blaine smiles, this time not because he doesn't know what to do but because he can't help but smile in joy. He is so relieved to see that Dave is looking forward to his future now. It was so terrifying to hear about what happened; the idea of suicide completely unfathomable to Blaine but not to Dave, but there is no way _this_ Dave would try to do it again, is there? Surely he wouldn't… And Quinn is alive and she has to be in a wheelchair, but probably not for the rest of her whole life and _she could have died_.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian says suddenly and Blaine turns toward him. He can only see his profile but the slump of his shoulders, the bitterness in the curve of his lips and how he doesn't dare to look into Dave's eyes all give away his honest regret and self-disgust. "I didn't mean to… I didn't think about how I acted. I didn't… I didn't _care_, not just about you but about anyone else either, but I wouldn't have… if I… I'm just really sorry, okay? But the other guys at Scandals, they did care about you. That night the bartender asked me what I said, because he saw us talking and after that you left really quickly and he said you looked upset and he was rather mad at me. I didn't take him seriously, of course, because that's the kind of asshole I am. And you never visited Scandals after that night. _Fuck_, I'm so sorry, if I knew… The regulars talked about you very often; how they missed you a lot, wondering what happened to the 'bear cub' and hoping you were alright. If you're not ready I totally understand, but I think you should visit them, because they're all really worried about you, you know?"

"Do you have any idea how difficult it was to step into a gay bar for the first time in my life?" Dave starts and it can't be easy for him to tell them this, because he is staring at the Eglantine Roses and his slightly shaking fingers grip the blanket tightly. "I thought you were cool; confident, proud, totally owning your sexuality and not afraid to go after the men you wanted. I didn't really expect you to… to want me, I don't think I was ready to do anything like that even if you did want me, but I… I thought we could be friends. I'm pretty sure you were the only regular there who went to high school like me and once I overheard you telling a guy you play lacrosse. It was probably just a pick-up line. But I thought that here is another gay teenager who is a jock like me, but who isn't in the closet and it just made me really hopeful, that maybe one day I could be like you too… But you basically told me that I shouldn't even try to accept my sexuality, that there's no point because I'm so ugly and undesirable nobody would ever want to be with me and that actually really hurt, you know?"

Sebastian's face is _so_ raw; eyes wide and lips pressed together and the masks that can hide his feelings and thoughts so well all seem to be crumbled into dust in that moment. His expression reminds Blaine of how he looked right after Blaine slapped him; confused, humiliated, _shocked, _like that was the first time this ever happened to him. And it probably was; Blaine is sure many people wanted to slap Sebastian before, but perhaps Blaine was the only one who had the chance to actually do it.

When Blaine slapped him there was outrage in his eyes too; _what the fuck is wrong with you, how dare you, you little fucker, I didn't deserve this._

Now there isn't even the shadow of anything but pure regret and self-loathing on Sebastian's face.

Sebastian was so devastated by the news of Dave's suicide attempt for the same reason Kurt and Santana was; he felt like he really could have stopped it. There was the horrifying realization that if Sebastian would have tried not to be a dick that night, if he would have started to be friends with Dave then Dave would have called him up and Sebastian would have picked up the phone and Dave would have cried and told him everything; what happened to him and what he planned to do and Sebastian would have been there for him. Or Dave would have gone to Scandals if it weren't for Sebastian's cruel comments making him feel unwelcomed and unaccepted there and the other regulars would have been able to help him…

Just like how Kurt blames himself for ignoring Dave's calls and Santana blames herself for not staying friends with Dave after his transfer.

"I forgive you," Dave looks up, smiling at Sebastian and this smile seems honest too. "I don't really have any right not to forgive you. I… I've done a lot more horrible shit than criticizing a stranger's eyebrows, so… Really, I forgive you."

"Thanks," Sebastian returns the smile, relieved but still a bit regretful. "I'm sorry. I'm a shallow, judgmental, uncaring prick, but you know what? I'm wrong too, okay? I mean… lots of gay guys are into men like you. You just have to visit a few gay porn sites and it's pretty clear that many men find you anything but ugly and undesirable. Right, Blaine?"

"What?" Blaine gasps, confused. He isn't really attracted to Dave and has no idea why Sebastian would think he is.

"Do not let the innocent schoolboy act fool you, Dave," Sebastian's grin widens and he actually _winks_ at Dave. "This boy here is actually a gay porn expert extraordinaire."

"I'm so not!" Blaine objects furiously, a blush spreading like wildfire across his face. "What the hell, Sebastian?"

Blaine isn't ashamed of having a libido; he is actually pretty confident in his sexuality and he can talk about sex without stammering and using stupid metaphors, but _something_ about Sebastian makes him occasionally feel as awkward as he was when he googled 'two men sex' for the first time in his life.

"What about your future?" Dave asks suddenly out of really nowhere. He probably feels uncomfortable with the topic of gay porn and Blaine really can't blame him. "I'm just curious. Do you have any idea? I mean you must have, you are both too old not to have any."

Blaine glances at Sebastian, expecting him either to scoff or to start to speak dutifully, but Sebastian is silent, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion the only sign of any kind of feeling on his face.

"Well, I know I want to do something with music," Blaine begins, trying to find the words to explain everything perfectly. It's not easy. "I want to perform. I just want to sing and dance and act. I want to give something to the audience. I know it sounds silly, but I don't know, I… If just one person would one day recognize me in a coffee shop and say that, um, I don't know, they were inspired to do something I did in a play, well, that would absolutely make my whole life, I think."

"And you'd be married to Kurt, right?"

Dave's tone isn't mocking or hostile at all. His smile is rueful, even though it is trying to seem strong and Blaine's heart aches for him when he understands what that smile and the question means; Dave is trying to give up Kurt. And Blaine can't tell him not to, can't encourage him to try to fight for Kurt's affection. Blaine loves Kurt too. Dave's feelings are something he has to deal with on his own; either move on or stay in love with Kurt, whether he one day reciprocates Dave's feelings or not. (Blaine thinks he too will always be in love with Kurt a little bit, because first love, first _real_ love doesn't seem to be something you can ever completely get over.)

Blaine and Kurt, they don't talk about their future. Sometimes Blaine kisses the tip of Kurt's nose before telling him that he doesn't need to worry; he will get into NYADA, because if someone as talented and amazing as he can't then who can? Kurt always makes a non-committal noise, the heartbreaking look of uncertainty in his lovely eyes refusing to disappear before he quickly kisses Blaine.

They don't discuss their plans _together_ after high school.

They don't talk about their relationship either.

Sometimes Blaine feels like it would be better if they had horrible arguments followed by the silent treatment for days than what they are doing now; keeping everything to themselves. They have all these unresolved issues festering behind supportive smiles and loving kisses. West Side Story, everything about that night at Scandals, what happened in the car, how they had sex so soon after that and maybe they weren't really ready, even though the sex itself wasn't bad at all, it was actually pretty great in all its sweetly awkward, inexperienced glory, and the phone talks with Sebastian and kind of everything about Sebastian and probably Valentine's Day too… They are all ugly blemishes on their relationship hidden behind a make-up made of an 'I love you' whispered between playful kisses and laughing together as they fumble with the lube and a million other sweet, lovely little things.

"Well…" Blaine swallows before continuing, a part of him thinking he should shut up _right fucking now_ because he is talking to Dave and _Sebastian_, but a bigger part is urging him to soldier bravely on. "First loves and high school romances hardly ever turn into a marriage. Simply statistically speaking… And so many things can change. Kurt will be in New York next year and I have to stay here and maybe we will try to do a long distance relationship, but… I don't know. I'm not a fortuneteller. But I do want a husband one day and it would be really great if I had lots of friends and very few enemies."

Dave nods, looking understanding and a bit thoughtful but not relieved or hopeful.

"What about your future?" Dave glances at Sebastian.

"I've known it since the first time my dad explained his job to some of my classmates and they were all completely in awe and totally terrified at the same time. I'm going to be an attorney. That's all."

_Geez_, Blaine thinks. What a lovely reason to pursue a career, _really_.

"That's all?" Blaine echoes, a bit of his annoyance seeping into his voice. "What about marriage and kids? What about friends and hobbies?"

Sebastian turns towards him; his eyebrows are raised in a confused-mocking way, the curve of his lips more unreadable than Mona Lisa's smile and if eyes are really the window to the soul Sebastian's have the blinds completely pulled down.

"Okay, Dave, do you have a crush on someone? You seem to be the kind of boy who has crushes on guys all the time or on one person for way too long. Do you have a type or something?"

Blaine almost gasps because Sebastian totally just ignored him and he isn't used to _Sebastian_ ignoring him. Isn't Blaine supposed to always feel like the center of Sebastian's attention?

(Well, except after the slushie when Sebastian completely ignored Blaine; no visits, no phone calls, not even a text message saying 'sorry'. But now they are trying to be friends again…)

"Well, I…" Dave starts and Blaine braces himself for the 'I'm in love with Kurt'. He is prepared to curl his lips into the most understanding, most supporting smile ever because he isn't particularly happy about the idea of another boy being in love with his boyfriend but he can't afford to feel petty jealousy when that another boy just tried to commit suicide and Blaine's boyfriend is one of the only people who can _really_ be there for him and support him the best. "I don't know, not really. I find some guys hot, but I don't really like anyone. I think I prefer boys who are in some ways… ah, sweet and soft but also very brave and strong and determined. That's not very specific, I know…"

_Well._

Blaine wasn't expecting _this_.

But if Dave can pretend he isn't in love with Kurt Blaine can act like he doesn't know anything about the gifts and the confession too. It wasn't even Kurt who informed him about it, actually. After the song at Sugar's party some of the boys crowded around Blaine and patted him on the back for being such an imaginative boyfriend and Puck even praised him for the badass idea of pretending to be a gorilla and even going as far as wearing high heel shoes.

Blaine didn't remember being more confused in his whole life.

He tried not to be mad at Kurt as he tried to explain everything to Blaine because it wasn't Kurt's fault but the whole thing still annoyed him a lot because he is Kurt's _boyfriend_, why would he pretend to be a secret admirer?

"Well, that's not very helpful," Sebastian remarks thoughtfully. Blaine isn't sure what he is trying to do, like maybe he is planning to be Dave's wingman, but Blaine is pretty sure Dave is not ready yet to do anything romantic or even just purely sexual with another man.

"What about you? Do you still have that crush on _him_ or are you after someone else now?"

Dave looks at Blaine when he says 'him' and Blaine feels like he just had a tiny heart attack because _no Sebastian doesn't have a crush on me what the fuck it's not like that he just wants me to lie down on the closest moderately clean surface and spread my legs for him and let him fuck me to his heart's content that's all he wants and I guess we are doing the trying to be friends thing too but no that's not a crush_.

Sebastian's laugh is so absolutely incredulous Dave's eyebrows jump up in surprise and Blaine feels like someone just punched him without any warning.

"I never had a crush on him. I'm not even attracted to him. We danced together that night at Scandals, yeah, but just as friends. Blaine used to be a student at my school and that's how we met, 'cause he visited us and after finding out that he was gay and had a boyfriend I thought the three of us should have some fun because you have to be a super lame gay teenager couple if you don't go to a gay bar at least once. Kurt was just jealous because, well, it is very hard not to be jealous of a delightful piece of ass like me who also happens to like dick. But that's all. Blaine is a really good friend, but I'm not interested in him."

For some utterly unexplainable reason Sebastian's words _hurt_.

Sebastian isn't in love with Blaine; that would be the most ludicrous thing ever.

But he does want Blaine; he desires him and he _is_ jealous of Kurt and he wishes he could have sex with Blaine and these are _facts_ and Sebastian denying these means he is _lying _to them.

Well, what is new?

Sebastian just wants to save face. Admitting his defeat earlier was telling Blaine and Kurt something all three of them already knew, but the only thing Dave knows for sure is that Kurt is still Blaine's boyfriend.

Dave looked up at Sebastian for being so confident and for knowing how to get the guys he wants, had thought that he wants to be like Sebastian before he found out what a douche he actually is. And if Sebastian admits that he did want or still wants Blaine then Dave only has to put two and two together to realize that Sebastian has actually failed to get him, because he is still with Kurt.

Blaine wonders how Sebastian would react if he found out that not only is Kurt the boyfriend of the guy he wants and part of the glee club that defeated the Warblers, but also the person Dave – who once admired Sebastian a bit – is in love with.

Blaine feels rather proud of Kurt in that moment and doesn't feel sorry for Sebastian one bit.

He also feels betrayed and cheated somehow; Sebastian doesn't find him important enough to admit that he at the very least desires him because he doesn't want Dave to think less of him.

After their goodbyes to Dave and closing the door carefully Blaine goes to the nearest bin and throws his one Eglantine Rose into it without hesitation, anger and something like humiliation – _I never had a crush on him. I'm not even attracted to him. Blaine is a really good friend, but I'm not interested in him. _– boiling in the pit of his stomach.

He doesn't look at Sebastian. He doesn't want to see a confused frown, an uncaring shrug or a mocking raise of his eyebrows.

(A very small part of him thinks there is a possibility that Sebastian looks upset and sad, and the idea makes him feel both ashamed – he doesn't enjoy hurting people very much, not even assholes like Sebastian – and happy – that would mean Sebastian _cares_, at least a very tiny bit.)

Blaine listens to the sound of Sebastian's steady footsteps as he leaves without saying anything, wondering whether this whole thing – the forgiving Sebastian thing, the being friends with Sebastian thing, just simply the Sebastian thing – is really worth it.


	3. Chapter 3

Sebastian had a green beret ('on sale' tag still on it) and a piece of paper with the following message waiting for him on the dining table this morning:

_Sorry for being away so much! I don't want to wake you up at two o'clock because you must be having very sweet dreams right now (and I'll have to leave really early in the morning so I also need just a teeny bit of sleep), but I just want you to know that I still love you very, very much! This beret reminded me of you; surely you miss Paris a lot, so wear this to ease your longing for the City of Love! When is that school music competition thing? Maybe I will be there to cheer you on!_

_Lots of kisses and hugs: Mom_

The paper – now crumpled and torn in four different places – is on the table; Sebastian doesn't know why he can't stop reading it again and again, the annoying, bitter, _pointless_ mixture of frustration and disappointment – why isn't he already used to this, damn it – gathering in his stomach _every single time _he even glances at it.

The letters won't rearrange themselves just because he rereads them way too many times.

The beret is sitting next to his coffee, like a huge and ugly toad. It's not military style; more like… a casual beret? Sebastian isn't sure about the terminology. He touches it with just the tip of his fingers and he reluctantly has to admit that it does feel rather nice and expensive. (Even though the 'on sale' tag makes it clear it was anything but expensive.)

"Planning to be a carrot for the annual costume party of the Pretentious Douches VIP Club?"

Sebastian raises his head to look up at Kurt and all snarky remarks die in his throat in a heartbeat when he sees the bouquet in Kurt's hand. It's made of at least six different flowers, petals all big and lively colors, and okay, Sebastian doesn't know a lot about flowers but even he can see that that bouquet looks _really_ impressive.

Sebastian is pretty sure there is only one person Kurt would want to give flowers.

_Oh joy._

Wait, are they seriously going to have a date at the Lima Bean? How ridiculous.

"What is with the carrot?" Sebastian frowns.

Kurt sits down, pushing the beret away to make space for his bouquet before crossing his legs in that half annoyingly prissy, half coolly elegant way of his and leaning back, his whole body radiating confidence bordering on smugness. No matter how carefully Sebastian scans his expression he can't find even the shadow of anything like discomfort or worry on Kurt's face.

Kurt is either a really good actor or Sebastian should start to feel wary, because if Kurt is so sure that means he probably knows something Sebastian won't like at all. Maybe he has some sort of blackmail up his shiny blue and pastel green checkered sleeve.

"You're wearing an orange cardigan and you have a green beret," Kurt explains, smile just a touch condescending. "It isn't that difficult to get, come on. Is something wrong?"

Sebastian's eyebrows twitch in surprise, because as Kurt said the last sentence his tone suddenly turned kind of… caring, _maybe_, and Sebastian doesn't know what to make of that.

"You have like ten minutes – maybe a few more if it took Blaine too long to find his hair gel today – to come up with a believable apology or explanation or excuse for whatever happened in the hospital that pissed him off that much. Or you can run away, I guess. Well, it's your choice."

Sebastian reaches for his coffee and closes his eyes briefly as he enjoys his still pleasantly warm and actually quite delicious drink – but still damn these backward barbarians and their lack of Courvoisier. Sometimes he wonders how come there is actually a gay bar in this 'ten miles from the end of the world' town.

"What exactly did he say?" Sebastian asks. He's bit annoyed at Blaine, because _seriously_, who gossips with his _boyfriend_ about… well, whatever happened?

And there is something rather ridiculous about hoping _the boyfriend_ can explain why Blaine got mad at him out of nowhere. (Okay, Sebastian has his guesses, but he isn't completely sure. It was either the gay porn expert comment or Sebastian lying to Dave about being attracted to Blaine. Or maybe that Sebastian refused to answer the questions about family and friends and such stuff in the future. Or perhaps he shouldn't have tried to pry into Dave's – apparently nonexistent – love life.)

"Nothing, actually," Kurt shrugs. "I came back and neither of you were anywhere to be found and when I went to the bin to throw the bill into it I saw one of _your_ roses in it. And David said that Blaine had a rose in his hand when he came in and when he left. Blaine had to be _really_ mad at you to throw such a beautiful rose away, because flowers are seriously one of his weaknesses, almost as much as bowties or coffee. But he refused to tell me anything when I brought it up. So I'm asking you, Sebastian; why did you give that rose to him?"

Oh yeah, that _is_ a good question.

Sebastian just… he just wanted to see Blaine's smile.

That was all.

Fuck, he knows how stupid it is, pathetic even, but he just really missed seeing Blaine happy _because of him_. And he knew Blaine absolutely adores flowers and when he took that rose he really did look all pretty and joyous and grinning brightly like the fucking sunrise and sure, the source of all that heartwarmingly cute happiness (just thinking about it could give Sebastian cavities, he is sure) was a flower given to him by someone, not a flower given to him by _Sebastian_, but hey, the one who gave him the flower _was_ Sebastian, so…

But he can't exactly tell Kurt that 'Oh, I just wanted to make your boyfriend smile, no biggie'.

At least Kurt doesn't seem to be antagonistic. It's quite surprising, but no matter how hard Sebastian stares at him he can't find anything mocking about him – anything like 'Do you think my boyfriend would ever be happy to get a rose from _you_ of all people?', neither is Kurt threatening – he isn't giving off 'He is my boyfriend and you can't give him flowers' vibes.

"It's confusing and makes me unsure what to think about you," Kurt breaks the silence, his eyes boring into Sebastian, full of wariness and… curiosity, maybe. "If you have serious feelings for Blaine then I can't _exactly_ treat you like I used to, because I understand and sympathize with those who have to deal with unrequited… maybe not _love_ because we are talking about _you,_ but _something_. I know you are seriously an asshole – like a high school villain, as Santana said – and I thought I knew you only want sex from Blaine and do not actually care about him as a person, but… well, _you gave him a flower_, hello!"

"Um…" Sebastian starts before realizing he doesn't have any idea what to say to the dizzying amount of absolute idiocy that just came out of Kurt's mouth. He expects Santana and her girlfriend or maybe Rachel or some of Kurt's other buddies to jump out from behind one of the pillars and tell Sebastian that Kurt just lost a silly bet and so he has to humiliate Sebastian or maybe rather humiliate himself with saying all that nonsense. "Can't we go back to insulting each other?"

Kurt's piercing blue-green-_whatever _eyes are intense in a very disconcerting way.

"Okay," Sebastian swallows. "So if giving Blaine _one_ rose somehow means that I like him or I don't know then does giving Dave a whole bouquet mean he is the love of my life or what?"

"But that was an apology."

"Yeah, and so was the rose given to Blaine. Kurt, I _almost blinded_ him."

Kurt's shoulders visibly relax and he gives a very small but actually almost friendly smile to Sebastian. Sebastian doesn't remember ever seeing anything like that on his face. Well, not directed at Sebastian, at least. (Though when he thinks about it when the three of them met Kurt seemed to be too busy making actually not at all hurtful comments about Sebastian's appearance to smile at Blaine, who was too busy pretending he couldn't cut the tension between his boyfriend and Sebastian with a knife to even glance at Kurt.)

"Shouldn't the idea of me feeling something for Blaine make you happy?"

The small smile slips from Kurt's face immediately and his lips fall open in a silent 'o' of confusion.

"Don't play the idiot," Sebastian scowls, suddenly feeling impatient and fidgety. He shifts in his chair, picks the beret up and puts it down a moment later, grabs the piece of paper and slips it into the back pocket of his jeans. "You're such a fucking hypocrite, pretending to be all… I don't even know. Are you guilty? Pitying? It's not like you would break up with Blaine if I… Listen, if I felt… feelings for Blaine that would mean I care and therefore his rejection is actually painful instead of being just a blow to my pride and a minor annoyance and wouldn't that just sweeten your victory even more?"

"What victory?" Kurt is like a stern teacher or father looking at a problematic kid. It's amusing, ridiculous and slightly humiliating all at the same time. "This is not a competition."

"Do not act like you weren't almost pissing your pretentious designer pants in joy when you pretended to accept my apology in the hospital," Sebastian sneers.

"Listen here, Sebastian. Blaine is neither a trophy nor a toy and fine, maybe I was a bit… satisfied with you admitting you weren't able to make him break up with me or cheat on me, but he is his own person who makes his own decisions and this we should both respect, okay? Do you think I'm somehow better than you because you couldn't get Blaine? Probably I am, but I'm not a better person because Blaine chose me. Blaine chose me because I'm a better person. Also, I'm the better boyfriend material. Well, most guys are better boyfriend materials than you, of course."

_But I'm the better fuck buddy material_, Sebastian thinks bitterly.

"And okay, I did enjoy seeing the other Warblers join us on the stage while you were sitting all alone down there, pretending to be unaffected, I did enjoy your face when we showed you the tape and just the knowledge that you had only the second place trophy made me all giddy. And believe me, I wasn't the only one feeling that way. But you _deserved _those; you totally had all those downfalls coming. But nobody deserves to have their heart broken."

Sebastian contemplates reopening old wounds with mocking the fact that Kurt's (Sebastian is pretty sure first) unrequited love is now his stepbrother and is (was?) trying to get married to one of his best friends – the details are a bit fuzzy because halfway through the story Blaine suddenly decided to clam up, mumbling something about not wanting to talk about such a sensitive, private topic behind Kurt's back and wondering whether Sebastian liked lasagna or not. Nevertheless Sebastian could say enough to be able to hurt Kurt's precious feelings at least a bit.

But, for some reason, he doesn't really feel like it.

"How is Dave Karofsky?" Sebastian asks instead.

Kurt's face instantly darkens, eyes cast down and lips pressed together so tight it must be painful; guilt, worry, shame, sadness – everything Sebastian saw on his own face when he looked into the mirror after hearing about the suicide attempt.

"He…" Kurt begins, not even trying to hide how upset he feels and it makes Sebastian feel awkward, because he really doesn't know how to comfort people. When they get hurt because of Sebastian he never stays to try to make them feel better, _obviously_, because what would be the point of that?

"Sebastian, he… David…" Kurt falls silent and Sebastian tries to come up with a new topic because he is sure Kurt won't be able to continue, but then he starts to speak again, voice so quiet Sebastian has to lean forward a bit and strain his ears to hear him. "He called me up_ so many times_. Do you know what that means? I was there when he was… when that bastard overheard him and I was there and how could I not be sure that he would out David? But I ignored his calls… You know, I have been bullied in school basically since the day I came out. And it made me feel miserable and I'm not going to pretend that sometimes I didn't wish I could go back in time and stay in the closet but I just learned not to care about what others think because I know who I am, my dad and my friends know who I am and this is what really matters, not what a bunch of jocks with single digit IQ believe. I have never really thought about… I just can't understand it. And I don't know how to treat David. You know what Blaine said? He told me that he is so glad _Dave_ is completely fine now and it makes him feel really relieved that he won't ever try to do it again and it is probably mostly thanks to me and he is so proud of me. And it made me _so_ sick because he is _wrong_… David didn't just contemplate committing suicide one night while he was crying into his pillow and then woke up the next morning feeling better and never thinking about it again. _He really tried to do it._ And even if he can talk with a seemingly honest smile about his future, even then… how the hell can we be sure he won't try to do it again? I mean… Maybe right now, while I'm chatting with you and waiting for my boyfriend he is planning to…"

Kurt's words peter out and he buries his face into his hands, leaning forward until his elbows hit the table. Sebastian can't see his face but just the tiredness and helplessness in the slope of his shoulders is enough to tell him how Kurt feels. _Vulnerable_ is the word that comes into Sebastian's mind and for a moment he thinks Kurt is such an idiot for showing this side of him to Sebastian of all people. But he must know Sebastian wouldn't actually take advantage of anything concerning a bullied gay teenager who just tried to commit suicide.

"Well, you can't exactly put a leash on him," Sebastian tells him. He knows he isn't being helpful at all, but he doesn't know what else to say.

"I know that," Kurt mumbles, voice slightly muffled by his hands. "But I'm still terrified. He told me he doesn't want to be a burden and I don't think he is, _god_, how could I? But I feel responsible, you know? I should have answered that damned phone. I should have been there for him."

Sebastian gets it. Fuck, he _gets it, _he gets_ all of it_ and he wishes he didn't. He wants to go back to the time when the only thing he could agree on with Kurt was that Blaine Anderson was one of the sweetest and most fuckable guys in all Ohio.

Why didn't Kurt answer, though? Sebastian doesn't want to ask him, doesn't want to make him feel even guiltier, but he doesn't understand it.

He doesn't remember Blaine ever talking about Dave or his relationship with Kurt. He guesses they must be friends, but they can't be too close because Kurt could have talked Dave out of trying to commit suicide, right? If anyone could have given Dave support it was out of the closet, bullied yet still proud of his sexuality Kurt Hummel.

But that's the point, isn't it? The reason Kurt feels so disgusted with himself. Kurt didn't pick up the phone, but he could have convinced Dave not to do it, probably, if only they had the chance to talk. Perhaps they had an argument. It must have been something silly, like in those movies where the married couple has a fight about grocery shopping or whether they should buy a blue or white cupboard and then one of them leaves, no apologies and no goodbyes and there is a plane crash or something and lots of devastation and self-loathing and everything. Kurt must have felt like that too, if his pride or stubbornness was truly the reason he didn't pick up the phone.

Of course, perhaps it was something totally different. It doesn't really matter, in the grand scheme of things. What matters is the now and the future; how to pick up the pieces and how to make things better.

It's really fucking difficult.

"Kurt, hey," Sebastian starts, trying to make his tone soothing and kind. He is very unsure about how successful he is. "Dave has friends now, friends who can support and help him. You are there for him, and so are others. Did you see all those gifts in the hospital room? Dave is no longer alone."

Empty words, cliché words, Sebastian knows; but what else could he say?

Kurt laughs, sarcastic and bitter and lowers his hands, staring at them like the secrets of the universe are written on his palm.

"For most people he isn't anything but a nine days' wonder. Sure they are all shocked now – _oh, what a tragedy, what a relief he survived_ – but they will forget about him soon."

Sebastian raises his eyebrows in surprise, bringing his cup to his lips and quickly drinking all of his remaining coffee before he answers.

"Well, I expected something less cynical from you. What happened, Kurt? The rose-colored glasses clashed with your outfit?"

Kurt laughs again, this time sounding almost amused and shakes his head in exasperation, but he doesn't retort with anything witty. Sebastian is a bit disappointed, but he isn't surprised.

"I used to say shit like 'I won't have anything to live for if I don't get into NYADA' and it makes me feel so ashamed now…" Kurt sighs and yeah, Sebastian _gets_ that too. A new wave of guilt crashes over him and he hesitates only for a moment before he too confesses.

"I have told other people a lot of disgusting, offensive, hurtful shit. I said to one or two of them that they should just kill themselves and not worry because no one would miss them. But I will never do that again."

Kurt smiles at him, wry and terribly sad and his eyes are _so_ tired.

"Somehow the knowledge that I'm not as despicable as you doesn't make me feel better."

"Ouch," Sebastian gasps, but he knows he deserved that. That's the very least he deserves.

He feels emotionally exhausted somehow, even though he knows Kurt was the one who did the lion's share of talking.

He is desperate to change topics.

"What do you mean by _if_ you don't get into NYADA? Isn't your dad a congressman?"

Kurt's eyes widen before his expression is filled with so much indignation Sebastian can't decide whether he should be amused, annoyed or actually offended.

"I would _never_ do that. Unlike _certain other people_, I'm not the cheating kind of person. And even if I were, I love my dad too much to do that. Because it would break his heart if his son wanted to get into college by pulling strings."

"Right," Sebastian smirks, letting all his contempt for Kurt's naïve idiocy to show on his face and in his voice. "We are talking about NYADA here, Kurt. Twenty students per year and do you honestly think at least nineteen of them don't get in using their – or rather one of their family members' – influence?"

Kurt looks stricken, like a little kid after they are told Santa Claus doesn't exist and Sebastian just fucking can't believe that a _senior_ for fuck's sake can be this unaware of how the world works.

It's absolutely pathetic.

"Your dad hasn't been a congressman for long yet, right?"

Kurt shakes his head.

"He would be disappointed in you, you think? Listen here – and I'm not trying to be mean now, just truthful. You're going to thank me later for warning you now and giving you enough time to prepare yourself for the inevitable. My dad is a State's attorney, remember? I know what I'm talking about. I'm pretty much an expert." Sebastian feels the bile rise in his throat, because what kind of a son talks about his father like that? But he doesn't _truly_ feel guilty and somehow that makes it even worse. "Give it a year or two and you won't even recognize your dear daddy. Power corrupts and corruption corrupts even more; it slowly destroys not only the conscience but the body too. I know that sounded all cryptic, but that's the truth. My dad is… let's not talk about what kind of a person he is inside. He's not old at all, but I know he has to buy hair dye more often than my mom because that's how gray he already is and he has one plastic surgery after the other because of how haggard and wrinkly his face is thanks to all the stress and lack of sleep and everything. I think my mom is betting with her friends when and how dad will finally kick the bucket; her hairdresser thinks exhaustion, her dentist puts her money on arsenic, her manicurist on heart attack…"

It happens all of a sudden, it really does; Sebastian would have stopped immediately if he saw any signs before. One moment Kurt is looking at him, disbelief and dreadful shock written all over his face but Sebastian was expecting that, _grow up you little child_, he thought. But now Kurt is _crying_; his eyes are shining brightly and as he sniffs quietly one tear rolls down his face, stopping at the corner of his shaking mouth and _okay_, Sebastian didn't want _that_.

"Hey, um…" Sebastian begins, not having the slightest idea how to continue. Should he apologize? Give Kurt a tissue? Leave quietly and pretend he never saw this? Does Kurt feel humiliated now; weeping in front of Sebastian? Actually, how often does Kurt cry?

"Do not dare to mock me!" Kurt snaps, his voice trying to be angry and threatening but it just sounds horrified and terribly shaken. "My dad had a heart attack. He was in c-coma after. We weren't sure he…"

_Shit._

And _okay_, if Sebastian knew he wouldn't have told Kurt those things.

He would be lying if he said the idea of making Kurt Hummel cry didn't hold a certain appeal to him _sometimes_, but _not like this_. There were times when Sebastian was _so_ frustrated with Blaine and with Kurt with his smug smirk and with the pure joy vibrating in Blaine's voice as he was talking about his wonderful date with his even more wonderful boyfriend and how he wouldn't let Sebastian do _anything. _And so Sebastian did occasionally think about how satisfying the sight of Kurt all teary eyed will be one day when Blaine finally breaks up with him. Or maybe when Kurt catches Sebastian and Blaine fucking in an empty classroom or the restroom of Scandals. Sebastian isn't that picky.

But even those were only stupid fantasies born from annoyance and the feeling of humiliation because he slowly started to understand that he is not better than Kurt in Blaine's eyes. He is not as good as Kurt in Blaine's eyes.

But he was also sure that _actually_ seeing Kurt cry wouldn't be as satisfying as it seemed in those moments, Sebastian quietly seething because _fucking hell maybe Kurt gives him flowers and coos cheesy words into his ear but surely he can't be _that_ good in bed, and Sebastian would be so glad to fuck Blaine until he can't even remember his own name or Kurt's for that matter and Kurt _wouldn't have to know_ so why not?_

Kurt crying because Sebastian unwittingly brought back terrible memories of his beloved dad almost dying is so not something Sebastian is proud of. It makes him feel nauseated, actually.

Kurt stands up suddenly, almost knocking the bouquet to the floor with his arm and before Sebastian can even open his mouth to ask him what happened Kurt is turning around and it takes only a few almost running steps for Kurt to disappear behind five friends laughing obnoxiously at something the girl in the middle is showing them on her phone.

Sebastian picks up the empty cup and the beret, wondering whether someone would steal the flowers if Sebastian left now before Kurt comes back. He doubts anyone would stoop so low and even if they did? Blaine won't get some useless plants this time, who cares?

"Where did he go?"

Blaine appears totally out of thin air, voice confused and slightly suspicious.

"Well, hello to you too, Blaine," Sebastian smiles pleasantly at him.

"I saw Kurt sitting in front of you and then jumping up suddenly and leaving."

_Oh._ So Kurt left after spotting Blaine? Perhaps he just didn't want his boyfriend to see him cry. Sebastian can't blame him at all. Not that Sebastian would ever _cry_, of course.

"Maybe he has to pee? Or fix his make-up. I'm not sure."

Blaine crosses his arms in front of his chest and _damn_, those tight sleeves don't leave a lot to the imagination. Fuck, if Sebastian could feel those arms wind around his neck _just once_, holding on for dear life as Sebastian fucked into Blaine, hard and fast but Blaine would like it so much, he would fucking love and couldn't get enough of it, _finally_ getting screwed by someone who _knows_ what he is doing, someone who isn't fumbling and _way too_ careful like goddamned _Kurt_.

Blaine is staring up at him, Sebastian's thoughts probably written crystal clearly on his face because Blaine's cheeks are the faintest pink and his eyes are wide and mesmerized and how can someone be so sugary sweet and so fucking hot at the same time? It makes no sense, damn it.

"I'd appreciate if you left before Kurt comes back."

The words feel just as sudden and almost as humiliating as the slap.

"This is a public space therefore I have just as much right to stay here as you two have."

"I know that," Blaine shrugs, stepping to the table and picking up the flowers, his back turned to Sebastian. Sebastian wonders if this is how they are always going to be; Blaine's back turned to him in the room after Regionals before leaving him, in the hospital corridor after visiting Dave and now here at the Lima Bean too. "I just don't want you here. I have a date with my boyfriend."

Sebastian contemplates saying something hurtful, preferably about the boyfriend in question, or acting like a stubborn brat and staying just to piss Blaine off, or maybe trying to apologize…

He leaves without a word.

* * *

><p>Sebastian could write a novel about his fantasies featuring Blaine Anderson.<p>

Maybe even a trilogy.

_Fantasy Number 19_, for example, is Blaine marching into the Dalton library like he owns the place, slipping into Sebastian's blazer – just a moment ago draped on the back of his chair –, marveling at how long the sleeves are while Sebastian silently bemoans the fact that his blazer is so long it almost completely covers the lovely swell of Blaine's ass. Then Blaine sits down on Sebastian's chair, demurely crosses his legs or wantonly spreads them wide – depends on Sebastian's mood, on how horny he already is – and tells Sebastian how much he misses wearing the Dalton uniform and how nice Sebastian's blazer smells, how comfortable it feels.

_Fantasy Number 19A_ ends with Sebastian pressing his cheek against the inside of Blaine's hot, still trembling thigh before Blaine tugs him up, smile sated and lazy before he licks into Sebastian's mouth, moaning at the rich taste of his own come on Sebastian's tongue.

_Fantasy Number 19B _ends with Blaine's legs slipping off Sebastian's shoulders as Sebastian presses one last kiss to his collarbone before tucking his now soft cock back into his pants, fumbling with the buttons as the sight of Blaine laid out on the desk looking absolutely debauched; face flushed, lips parted, Dalton blazer stained with his come distracts him.

_Fantasy Number 19C _ends with Blaine stopping bouncing on Sebastian's cock as he finally comes with the cutest little gasp against Sebastian's lips and the tightening of his ass around his dick drives Sebastian over the edge as well, but even after the afterglow wears out Blaine remains sitting on his lap, head resting on his chest as Sebastian absent-mindedly draws circles on the small of his back.

He doesn't have a _Fantasy Number 19D_ yet, but he is working on it. He spends a lot of time in the library and the homework is often so easy and boring he can't help but let his mind wander…

The reality, though, is a lot less fun and a lot more, well, _realistic_. Blaine does march into the Dalton library, but he does not _really_ have the air of someone who thinks they own the place. His eyes flicker from the bookshelves to the few students sitting at the tables, doing homework together and then to the librarian. The librarian gives him a small nod of acknowledgment and continues chattering quietly on the phone and the students just glance up at him before turning quickly back to their books with a bored expression. Blaine Anderson is a legend among the Warblers, sure, and most students look up at the Warblers and think they are 'cool' or whatever, but the truth is, there are also students in Dalton Academy who do not give one fuck about their glee club and therefore the Blaine Anderson now visiting their library is just a tiny guy with too much hair gel and a ridiculous polka dotted bowtie to them.

Maybe if the Warblers finally actually _won_ that damned competition…

(Next year.)

"Hello," Blaine greets him, his smile tentative and unsure and still so very cute.

It takes a lot of willpower for Sebastian not to smile back at him.

"I have to leave in twenty minutes and I want to finish my homework now so that I don't have to do it after I get home from practice tired as fuck. So I'd appreciate if you left now."

The smile disappears in a heartbeat. Sebastian expected that, was waiting for it, actually, but now that the smile is gone he kind of already misses it.

"You don't have practice on Mondays anymore since your coach's daughter has performances in her school every Monday."

Sebastian is slipping the end of his pen into his mouth, not trying to be seductive (or maybe just a bit – being seductive is kind of second nature to him, almost as much as being an asshole), just doing it because he simply feels like it. But Blaine's words surprise him so much he accidentally jabs the pen into his gum and geez that hurts _a lot_. He can swallow his groan but he feels his eyes tear up at the pain and he quickly blinks the tears away, hoping Blaine didn't catch them. Sebastian can't help it. He doesn't cry because of feelings and emotional stuff, but physical pain makes his eyes water all the time. It's nothing he can't live with, obviously, because he plays lacrosse, but it is still fucking annoying and he hates it because he loathes the idea of people thinking he is weak or something. Luckily the lacrosse helmet protects him from his teammates (and anyway, they have better things to do in the middle of a match than gaze into Sebastian's eyes).

"Are you okay?" Blaine asks and he _fucking takes the pen out of Sebastian's mouth_ and drops it down on his textbook, his gaze disapproving. Sebastian feels like a child whose mother slapped their hand away as they were trying to touch the burning stove. (Well, in Sebastian's case it was the babysitter instead of his mother and his father fired her immediately because how could she dare to touch his only son so disrespectfully? Looking back, Sebastian is now also sure the reason his mother was so happy about the babysitter leaving was that she had been his father's lover for a while before she had to go. Or maybe his mother was just jealous of how pleasant her perfume was. Sebastian doesn't remember the exact smell, but he does know that it felt really great to snuggle into her side while she was reading bedtime stories and just breathe the flowery-fruity fragrance in, something warm and comforting and just really _nice_. Hey, Sebastian was a really little boy at that time.)

"Why the fuck do you know my lacrosse practice schedule?" Sebastian demands to know, licking at his still slightly sore gum.

"We are friends?" Blaine asks simply, like this is a perfectly acceptable answer.

Maybe it is. Sebastian doesn't exactly know how this whole being friends stuff works.

"I thought you were mad at me?" Sebastian raises his eyebrows.

"I _am_ mad at you," Blaine nods, but he doesn't really seem to be mad. "But I still shouldn't have said that to you at the Lima Bean. And I think we should deal with our… _misunderstandings_ as two mature people. You know, _talk _about things."

Sebastian doesn't remember the last time he felt a stronger sense of foreboding than now. (Usually he doesn't have time to be prepared before hearing the horrifying news.)

It won't work. They won't be able to talk honestly, without pretending or lying. Maybe Blaine could, but Sebastian, he can't. He just fucking can't. Sebastian just _knows_ this, feels it in his bones that he will fuck this up rather spectacularly.

"Okay," Sebastian forces his lips into a smile. "Sure. Here?"

"No," Blaine shakes his head, already motioning for Sebastian to follow him. "We should go somewhere we can talk about _anything_ without worrying someone might overhears us."

Sebastian stands up and pushes his chair back because this is the polite thing to do in a library and leaves his homework on the table and his bag under it.

Blaine leads him into what is probably the most faraway, most hidden corner of the library, shelves completely full of books hiding them from the others. There are pillows on the floor – navy blue and black with the red D emblem on every single one of them – and Sebastian had no idea about this, _wow_.

Blaine must recognize the look of surprised admiration on his face because he grins proudly at Sebastian before sitting down cross legged on a pillow and leaning against the shelf with a satisfied little sigh.

"Oh, I missed this," Blaine smiles up at him; so honest it takes Sebastian's breath away. "You really didn't know about this? And you dare to call yourself the captain of the Warblers, hah!"

Sebastian is too busy enjoying how _happy_ Blaine seems to feel here, how bouncy and excited and brightly smiling he is to be offended.

Sebastian could sit opposite Blaine; then he could see his face fully. But if he sat next to Blaine he could maybe feel his body heat and his smell, but being so close could make Blaine uncomfortable – though he would probably just blush and smile shyly and look everywhere but into Sebastian's eyes. But who knows, maybe he would simply leave without a word.

Blaine is so fucking unpredictable it is actually terribly annoying and yet somehow incredibly exciting at the same time. Sebastian prefers to be able to predict others' reactions – it's very difficult to manipulate them if he doesn't know what they will do if he says or does this or that.

"Come on, sit down already!" Blaine laughs, grabbing a pillow by his side and extending his arm toward Sebastian to take it. Sebastian does and sits down opposite Blaine – it would be awkward now to go sit next to Blaine, he thinks, and if they are talking it really is better to be able to see each other as much as possible. Sebastian has a _much_ better poker face than Blaine, after all.

Sebastian doesn't sit on the pillow – he can sit on hard floor too, thank you very much –, instead puts it next to him, not knowing what else to do with it.

"So how do you want to start?"

Blaine's face turns serious at the question, almost nervous and this makes Sebastian feel… well not nervous because Sebastian Smythe is never nervous, but he does feel a bit awkward.

"What you said in the hospital, you didn't mean that," Blaine tells him, sounding sure but there is something questioning and almost worried in his eyes.

"I said many things in the hospital," Sebastian shrugs.

"About not being attracted to me and stuff," Blaine explains, pressing his lips together in annoyance. "Come on, you _are_ attracted to me. You are probably one of the biggest mysteries I have ever encountered but if there is one thing that I'm sure of it is that you do desire me."

"This is what made you mad?" Sebastian snorts, feeling relief wash over him. If Sebastian denying his attraction made Blaine upset that means Blaine _cares_, in one way or another.

"I know why you said it," Blaine announces, uncrossing his legs and shifting them until he can lean forward to rest his chin on his knees, chest pressed against his thighs, though Sebastian can't exactly see it from where he is sitting. Sebastian wonders if Blaine is unconsciously trying to show as little of him as possible to Sebastian or if he is just trying to find the most comfortable position. "You were worried Dave wouldn't think you as cool if he knew you couldn't seduce me, because I'm still with Kurt and everything."

Sebastian laughs incredulously, even though he feels his blood run cold because Blaine is _right_ and he guesses it is silly to worry about something actually not very important this much because _everyone_ knows that he has way too much pride and hates to admit he has failed and hates losing and hates the idea of others thinking someone else is better than he is.

But the thing is that while Sebastian likes it when people are open books to him he loathes the idea of someone knowing what _he_ thinks, someone understanding at least a part of him.

It makes him feel vulnerable, easier to be taken advantage of.

"Maybe you are right," Sebastian says, lips curled into a lazy grin. "Maybe you are not. _My_ question is: why doesn't this make you happy?"

Blaine probably couldn't hide his shock if his life depended on it.

"What do you mean?" Blaine asks slowly, honest confusion evident in his voice.

"We are only friends, right? We are nothing more, because you have a boyfriend and you love him a lot and don't want to cheat on him, you don't even want me to flirt with you. I respect that. I'm happy with being just friends with you, because you are a great friend and everything. Therefore the less people know about the fact that I want to fuck you, the less awkward things are, right? If I'm nothing but a platonic friend you don't have to feel guilty or I don't know about not returning my lust for you. I don't make you uncomfortable then. Your boyfriend doesn't have to be jealous either. Everybody wins."

Sebastian means it and he doesn't mean it.

He doesn't want to admit that Blaine _was_ right, it's that simple. He wants another explanation that is believable for why he denied being interested in Blaine.

He does like the idea of being friends with Blaine, of having a friend, talking and laughing and doing homework and just spending time together with someone. He doesn't want to lose Blaine's friendship.

But it's not _need_. It's just want. Whether Blaine's friendship or his body, he just wants them, wants them sometimes so much it makes him dizzy, but he could live without them. Life would suck a bit more without Blaine, but Sebastian had lots of fun in Paris too, for example. And life sucks anyway most of the time, with or without Blaine.

It is so fucking _laughable_ how uncomfortable Blaine looks, how embarrassingly strained his smile is and how he can't look Sebastian in the eye. Fuck, maybe Blaine could see through Sebastian but Sebastian can see through Blaine too; Blaine does want Sebastian to flirt with him, no matter what he tells him, no matter how much he loves Kurt. He wants the shameless flirting and the attention and the compliments that make him blush so lovely, Blaine wants them all just as much as Sebastian wants Blaine. Sebastian wants and Blaine wants to be wanted.

"You're right. You're absolutely right. Thank you. I'm glad we are friends, too. Sorry, I have to go now," Blaine sputters as he stands up hurriedly, his words such a jumbled mess Sebastian can hardly understand him.

"Wait, what about, you know, talking about things? The reason you came here?"

_Fuck_. Sebastian expected something else. He thought Blaine would protest and admit he does want Sebastian to continue flirting with him. He thought Blaine would… well, he thought he wouldn't agree – or maybe only pretend to agree – with him.

"We did talk about things," Blaine shrugs and turns to go and Sebastian follows him quickly. "I don't know what else we could talk about."

_Everything else_, Sebastian wants to shout, feeling unnecessarily frustrated, though he himself doesn't really have a lot of idea what that means. But there are things they could, they _should_ talk about, there are…

"It was never uncomfortable," Blaine says suddenly, looking back at Sebastian. His eyes are like citrines sparkling in the sunshine, distractingly pretty and totally unreadable. "I hated the slushie, obviously, and when you were an asshole and a horrible friend, and you shouldn't have treated my boyfriend and friends like that and everything, but simply knowing you desired me? That never made me uncomfortable, Sebastian."

Maybe it's a consolation, maybe it's a promise. Maybe it's nothing.

A quick wave, a watery smile and Blaine is gone, not leaving time for Sebastian to say or do anything and _hey_, they were in the middle of trying to talk honestly, weren't they? Somehow it feels as frustrating as having to stop fucking or masturbating just before the orgasm.

_You're the biggest idiot for leaving Dalton_, Sebastian fumes silently as he goes back to his homework, picking up his pen and staring down at his textbook, not reading one word. _Fucking hell, Blaine_, he thinks. I would have made you vice-captain of the Warblers, no, I would have made you co-captain and I wouldn't even dream about doing that for anyone but you. We would have sung a duet at Regionals and sure, we still wouldn't have won because the fucking New Directions had home court advantage, but it would have been so amazing, _so fucking great_. Dalton is so much better than that stinking public school, you belong here, Blaine, once a Warbler, always a Warbler, I'm sorry for the slushie and for turning the Warblers against New Directions and leaving while you were screaming and writhing on the ground, I'm sorry for almost blinding you, you know that wasn't my intention. I know we would argue a lot and we would hate each other sometimes because I'm a terrible asshole and everything, but it would work _somehow_, imperfectly and maybe often painfully, but it would be worth it, probably, maybe. I don't know exactly what 'it' means but just give me a chance to find out… _Come on_, come back already. We will have a room, just the two of us. Sometimes you will go home to your family and I will go home too, hoping to find a message and maybe a stupid gift from my mom on the dining table. We won't have to use chat and webcam and phone to be able to talk or do the homework together; I will sit next to you in the library. We will go to that hidden corner of yours, of _ours_, now, and you will crawl into my lap and wonder how you should pronounce this or that French word and I will whisper it into your ear and it will make you shiver and I will kiss you breathless. You will complain that I don't spend enough time with our fellow Warblers and get pissed when you find out I don't know all of their names. I will smuggle wine into our room and you will be the loveliest thing when you are tipsy, even though I don't really know how you are when you're drunk but surely you will be terribly amusing, humming silly songs and chattering about the most cliché and annoyingly romantic things, like how pretty the stars can be or how you would like to have a kitten and how we should bake gingerbread cookies tomorrow. Next year we will win Regionals and then we will win Nationals. It will annoy me that you often don't put your toothbrush into the cup next to mine and sometimes you will use my shower gel or cologne and smell like me, but you will smell like me other times too, like when you slip into my shirt after an amazing fuck and finish your History homework and then you will decide you want to sit between my legs while I'm in the middle of searching for new songs on my laptop and we will argue which songs would be the best. We…

Sebastian is yanked out of his thought when a phone rings suddenly, breaking the comfortable quiet of the library and he focuses on his homework, wanting to finish all of it before the library is closed.

And he doesn't think about Blaine at all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much everyone reading and reviewing the story! I'm glad you enjoy it, it really means a lot to me! :)**

* * *

><p><strong>From: Santana Lopez<strong>

_Breadstix at four, tomorrow. Bring the head bitch of those warbling pricks and no bowtie, unless you want me to force it down your throat. And not in the metaphorical sense._

**To: Santana Lopez**

_Wait, what are you talking about? They are not pricks! And you can't police what I wear!_

**From: Santana Lopez**

_No, but I can make you choke on it. And tell your rich bitch boy toy if he dares to wear the uniform of tackiness his dad could be the fucking president for all I care but I will make him regret daring to cross New Directions and setting his sights on your sweet ass._

**To: Santana Lopez**

_You sound especially violent today. And hey, the blazers are awesome! You think my ass is 'sweet'? And he isn't my 'boy toy', whatever that means. I still don't know what you want._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_We three need to talk._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_Anyone with eyes would think your ass is sweet, by the way. You can be such a conceited little shit sometimes but you're being all modest about your ASS of all things?_

**To: Santana Lopez**

_You complimented me. Well, my ass, but still. I feel a bit dizzy now. And you do know that this is none of your business, right? I mean my friendship with Sebastian._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_It's a friendship, huh? Is that what they are calling it nowadays? And you do know that I could make the rest of your year absolutely miserable if you don't come, right?_

**To: Santana Lopez**

_You don't exactly try to hide that you don't particularly like me so I don't think there would be a huge difference in how you usually treat me. And while I'm flattered by the idea that you care enough to spend so much time trying to make me feel like shit I'm pretty sure you have many much more important things to do in your senior year._

**To: Santana Lopez**

_And if you are trying to say that I'm doing sexual stuff with him you're terribly wrong. I would never cheat on Kurt. I love him._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_Oh, you underestimate my viciousness and my awesome time management skills. And that's not necessarily what I'm saying. _

**To: Santana Lopez**

_Then what do you mean? 'Is that what they are calling it nowadays?' Yeah, two people being friends means they have a friendship._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_Your 'friendship' is glued together with you enjoying the attention he gives you and Sebastian thinking you will let him have sex with you one day. He is only a sleazy compliments spurting machine to you and you are nothing to him but a shapely ass he wants to conquer. I know both of you well enough to see that. I'm just warning you, Blaine. I have to go now. I really want to try out these fluffy handcuffs with Brittany._

**To: Santana Lopez**

_You are wrong, Santana. Maybe you think you know us separately, but you do not know our friendship. Okay, then see you at Breadstix. Have fun with Brittany._

Blaine is on his stomach, chin resting on his pillow and feet swinging in the air as he reads through the messages, trying to push away the bitter feeling of doubt tightening his chest as he gets to Santana's last text.

She is _wrong_. He is almost completely sure.

He hates himself for that 'almost' and hates Sebastian even more for it. It's his fault too that Blaine can't help adding that damned word to the sentence.

It is _mostly_ his fault. Everything is mostly Sebastian's fault, after all.

He calls Sebastian.

"Hey, Blaine," Sebastian greets him. Blaine is pleasantly shocked that he can hear the bright grin in his voice. He was a bit worried Sebastian would be mad at him for leaving him in the Dalton library so abruptly and without any even slightly reasonable explanation so soon after marching in all confident and determined and telling him they should _talk_.

"Hello," Blaine smiles absent-mindedly into the pillow. "Are you free tomorrow? Four, Breadstix, with Santana, would you like to come?"

"Why with Santana?" Sebastian asks after a brief pause, suspicion seeping into his tone.

"Good question," Blaine says, his smile widening; Sebastian's question is actually a good sign. He would have told Blaine he has something else to do if he most definitely didn't want to come. "But _please_ come. She will break into my house, pour all my hair gel on my bowties and set the whole thing on fire if I'm not there tomorrow with you."

Sebastian's short laugh is half-amused, half-mocking.

"You know that I could just call my dad up and put her into prison for as long as you want if she did that, right?"

"But that's bullshit, isn't it? Come on, your father lives in another state, I'm pretty sure he doesn't give a fuck about things like teenagers being mean to each other or high school glee clubs feuding."

Blaine instantly regrets the words. He didn't mean to remind Sebastian that his father isn't _actually_ there for him and doesn't care about him – Blaine doesn't know a lot about their relationship but it sure as hell isn't close and caring. Blaine was just kidding about Santana and he guesses Sebastian was also just kidding, but Blaine isn't sure Sebastian wouldn't want to use his father's influence to _really_ put somebody into prison if he could just because they did something Sebastian disliked. He _probably_ wouldn't – he threatens and mocks and hurts people, but he wouldn't want to do any _real_ damage, right? He did regret what he had said to Dave and he did feel honestly bad about Blaine's eye, after all.

"Well, what do you think I should wear?" Sebastian's voice is very carefully devoid of any emotion. "Breadstix is not a classy place, right? Lima, Ohio wouldn't know classy if it hit it in the face. Maybe I will wear my blazer."

"No, don't!"

_Shit_, Blaine has to tell Sebastian he can't wear the Dalton uniform, but if he says Santana is the one who doesn't want the blazer there is no fucking way Sebastian would agree to wear anything else, because he would think that means Santana wins or something.

"Wait, why not?" Sebastian's tone is confused for only a moment before it turns faux hurt. "You don't think I look good in it?"

"I do!" Blaine reassures him quickly, and _oh god_, he doesn't mean it like _that_ (except he totally does). They are not _flirting _now, right? "But I think it would be, um, more interesting if you wore something else. It's just… too much of a good thing, you know?"

"I see," Sebastian laughs, and it is such a pretty sound Blaine feels warmth bloom in his chest at the beauty and _rareness_ of it, because Sebastian doesn't laugh like this as often as he should; real and comfortable and without even the hint of anything unpleasant. "Ah, I know what I will wear. But I won't tell you yet, uh-uh. It's a surprise!" Sebastian says cheekily and his laugh is satisfied, but not in that usual annoyingly smug way of his; it's a much more pleasant, almost sweet sound. _Stop being cute_, Blaine thinks, teeth sinking into his bottom lip to stop the flustered grin his lips want to curl into and pressing his face fully into the pillow. Oh, how glad he is they are on the phone, because if Sebastian saw the giddy expression on his face he wouldn't stop smirking and teasing Blaine for hours. _I have a boyfriend and I love him, okay? And anyway, it's so unlike you it's freaking me out a bit._

Except it doesn't freak him out at all; it just makes Blaine wish Sebastian would let him see this side of him so much more often; this carefree, unguarded, kind of maybe even _lovely_ Sebastian.

"Did you know that there is a Warbler whose grandmother has a golf course?"

It's such a totally out of nowhere question Blaine blinks in surprise before he answers.

"I did know and he is not just a Warbler, he is Trent, you idiot. How long have you been a Warbler, hm?"

"I like golf a lot," Sebastian continues, completely ignoring Blaine's annoyed interruption. "I love playing with balls and there's just, you know, _something_ about all those holes waiting for me…"

"Shut up, you're so vulgar!" Blaine splutters, his voice so scandalized he actually feels embarrassed by it. He is almost surprised the pillow doesn't catch on fire because it feels like his cheeks are _burning_. Blaine has heard worse in porn, of course, _a lot worse_, but this is not just a random porn star, this is _Sebastian._

"Hey, have you seen that video?" Sebastian asks, his voice slightly trembling with barely restrained laughter. He must be laughing at Blaine, the utter bastard. "I'll send you the link, okay? It's from a film. Not a very good one, to be honest, but this part is fucking awesome. It's French, but there are subtitles and it's not that difficult to understand anyway."

Sebastian is a big fan of _incredibly_ stupid videos, like 'Old lady slips on banana peel' or 'Dog dry humps fire hydrant' levels of stupid. Blaine always rolled his eyes when he watched them, even though some of them _were_ just a tiny bit funny. It seemed rather strange that Sebastian, who liked to complain about people not being sophisticated enough, would enjoy these videos, but, well, he did. Sebastian told Blaine it is kind of a guilty pleasure and _somehow_ managed to persuade Blaine to confess that he too has guilty pleasures, some the hardcore porn variety, though he didn't go into details – luckily he had that much sense left.

"Okay…" Blaine starts slowly, having learnt months ago that it's not a good idea to have great expectations for Sebastian's 'fucking awesome' videos. "Is this going to be something like someone accidentally falls into a lake after getting hit in the head by a golf club?"

"What?" Sebastian snorts disdainfully. "No, it will be a lot more complex. I'm not amused by such simple jokes."

"Right," Blaine drawls as he rolls onto his back, his smile so wide it hurts. "Says the guy who sent me a video of an animated goldfish colliding with the wall of the bowl repeated for ten minutes with the most obnoxious music ever. Such a hypocrite you are, Sebastian."

"Damn it," Sebastian laughs, not sounding mad at all. "Okay, fine. It's a guilty pleasure, so sue me."

And somehow the 'sue me' is what brings Blaine back to reality, makes him remember they should also talk about something very important. It was all too easy to fall into this playfully teasing, friendly banter.

Blaine has to be _very_ careful and cunning discussing… _everything_ about their… friendship. He cannot start with the most terrifying questions (_What did you want from me at the very beginning? Do you really like me even just as a friend, or are you only okay with this platonic friendship because you think I will let you fuck me one day? Would you be my friend even if I told you I will never have sex with you?)._

"How often do you actually go to Scandals, Sebastian?"

At the beginning Blaine kind of expected (dreaded as much as anticipated) Sebastian to brag about his twenty minutes long conquests all the time, but it never really came up as anything more than 'Sorry, we can only talk till eight tomorrow. Scandals, you know'. Blaine suspects Sebastian thought it would make easy to get flustered, very much in love with one person he refuses to cheat on Blaine uncomfortable and maybe even scare him off.

"Once or twice a week," Sebastian answers. "You and your buddies all think I go there every night and get fucked from both ends by at least a dozen men till dawn, don't you?"

Blaine feels his mind shut down for a few moments before he pinches the bridge of his nose and swallows heavily as his heart starts to race.

"No," Blaine whispers weakly. _Shit_, is Sebastian angry? Offended? Hurt? "No! I know you don't. And… I mean you are kind of… um, promiscuous and that's not exactly something you try to keep a secret, but they don't… You know, my friends were actually mostly busy being mad at you for almost blinding me and trying to blackmail us and insulting us."

Well, Santana and Kurt did make a few snide comments about Sebastian's… _private life_. It was especially rich coming from Santana, who used to be just as much a slut as Sebastian if not more before Brittany. Blaine almost defended Sebastian, but then he remembered he didn't exactly do the same with Santana and Kurt at the Lima Bean when Sebastian insulted them, so he remained silent and resorted to glaring at them.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," Sebastian says. He doesn't sound angry. "I'd much rather be hated or looked down for doing something that is truly my fault and honestly hurts people than for doing something that doesn't mean anything to anyone and we're both careful not to let it have any consequences."

Blaine can't decide whether he should be glad or disgusted.

"It doesn't mean anything to you?" Blaine tries to keep his voice neutral. A bit confused and surprised is okay, but nothing condescending or grossed out. He isn't sure why he's so careful not to make Sebastian feel bad. Sebastian is a professional at making people feel bad and he doesn't actually deserve anyone to be considerate of his feelings. And Blaine is pretty sure Sebastian is like genetically incapable of getting hurt by other people's words.

But they are kind of friends, right? And friends accept each other, even if they don't exactly agree on everything. Well, as long as it's reasonable. Almost blinding your friend is not very reasonable, for example. But it was accidental and Sebastian apologized, so it's… it's not okay, but it's not something completely unforgivable.

"It's more fun than my hands, I guess. Though to be honest 8 out of 10 guys are not up to par. And that was a really nice way to put it. There was a man, for example, who…" Sebastian falls silent abruptly. When he starts to speak again his voice is kind of gentle – well, as gentle as Sebastian's voice can be – and a bit awkward, as if he is trying to be patient and slow for a child. "I don't think you're interested in it. And I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I'm a gay porn expert extraordinaire, don't you remember?" Suddenly Blaine feels very annoyed. Sure, a huge part of their dynamic is that Blaine blushes and looks down shyly while Sebastian is outrageously bold, but it's not like Blaine is completely chaste or clueless. And he _really_ doesn't like the idea of Sebastian finding his bashfulness immature or maybe even stupid instead of endearing or adorable. "Seriously, if I can watch and listen to it I sure as hell can listen to you _talking_ about it."

"Alright…" Sebastian starts, his voice now _very_ sure and Blaine shivers at the shameless cocky challenge in it. _Oh god_, what has Blaine gotten himself into? "The guy I was with last Friday? He came literally three seconds after I got comfortable in his lap. I was _so_ annoyed; there wasn't even any foreplay, just a bit frottage on the dance floor and he wasn't even a teenager. Dave was right; there really are no teenagers there except for us and you would think guys in their twenties or thirties – I refuse to have sex with wrinkly old geezers who eat more Viagra than food – wouldn't have premature ejaculation. And he dared to be pissed at me for not getting off his dick in the very moment he came, because his poor little spoiled cock felt oversensitive after the orgasm. _Please_. Okay, I get that it can be uncomfortable, but still, what a waste of five minutes grinding and a perfectly good condom."

This time Blaine's mind does not shut down. Instead it comes up with the most startlingly vivid image of Sebastian straddling the lap of a stranger – Blaine knows the guy must be very handsome, because this is Sebastian, who thought Dave Karofsky is unattractive, who isn't Blaine's type either, sure, but come on, in what world is he _ugly_? So this man, Sebastian's lover (that's a too nice word, isn't it?) has sharp, elegant features, probably hair usually seen only in shampoo commercials and expensive cologne – for some completely unexplainable and slightly unnerving reason the man looks a bit like _Cooper_ and _what the fuck is with that_?

Sebastian would wear that condescending smirk, the one that isn't supposed to be hot in any way or form, and his pretty lips would be kiss-bruised and swollen. He would whisper something snarky and the man would call him a cheeky brat and slap his naked ass playfully, but nobody would dare not to do what he tells them, not even if they are a decade older. And oh yeah, he would have a cock up his ass, how could Blaine forget that?

It all goes straight to Blaine's dick, of course, because he is a hot-blooded teenager boy, but it is okay as long as he doesn't do anything, right? He can't tell Sebastian to shut up or end the call, because Sebastian would laugh at him, would mock him and Blaine doesn't want that. And Blaine is a big boy; he can definitely deal with his rather attractive and _very platonic_ friend talking about getting fucked by complete strangers. It's not a big deal.

Blaine curls his fingers around the pillow and grasps the phone tight and he will _not_ touch himself.

"Then there was a guy with a Prince Albert. He wanted to top. I may or may not have laughed a bit too hard for him not to be offended. I was _so_ not letting him put _that_ into me. But it was okay, because his fingers? Best orgasm of the month. And how sad is it that he was better with three fingers than other guys with their dicks? I came so hard I almost collapsed and I had to cling to his neck not to crumble to the floor. That was actually pretty embarrassing."

Sebastian's voice is not seductive or teasing; his annoyed drawl sounds exactly like all the time he complained about the most inane things, like one of his teachers being late _yet again_ or the utensils not being clean enough. But his fucking _words_ and the images they conquer up; Sebastian with his arms tight around another guy, fingers digging painfully into the back of the man's head as he rolls his hips purposefully to force as much of those wonderful fingers into his body as possible.

Blaine is wearing only a tiny black boxer and a tank top, because he is at home all alone. His erection trapped tight under the fabric is such an uncomfortable feeling he _has_ to push his underwear down to his knees. But he doesn't touch himself, he just frees his cock, lets it bounce up eagerly and twitch as the slightly cool air hits the sensitive skin. He wants to turn to his stomach, to hide or something, though of course nobody can see him, but he knows he wouldn't be able to resist rubbing against the mattress.

"And the man with the huge as fuck tattoo on his back?" Sebastian continues. His breath isn't labored, he really sounds like any other time. Blaine wonders how he looks now, whether he is lounging on the couch or sitting in front of his desk. Maybe he _is_ horny, thinking about all these things, not even having to use his imagination like Blaine, because Sebastian was there, it happened to him, he _remembers_… Maybe Sebastian has his legs spread wide, the back of his hand rubbing slowly against his bulge as he tries to force his voice to stay calm. Of course maybe he is actually doing his Math homework while he is chattering away, not at all affected by his own words, because he is used to _so much more_, used to actually getting dick as often as he wants… "Tackiest shit I have ever seen. If classiness is on the top of the Mount Everest then that tattoo is on the bottom of the fucking Marianna Trench." Blaine can't stop the amused laugh falling from his lips at that and he bites into his lower lip quickly, because the next sound that would otherwise escape him would be a half-surprised, half-delighted moan as his thumb grazes the tip of his cock. _Oh god what is he doing? _He doesn't dare to look down to see his dick in the tight ring of his own fingers in the bright daylight of his room. Blaine has never really been able to make his erection wilt more than the tiniest bit by thinking about stuff like ugly old women in frilly lingerie or whatever else the other guys said works for them. The only way he could stop jerking off was if there was an outside interruption, like his mother knocking on his carefully closed door and telling him dinner is ready. But his mom is away now. "I almost made him put his shirt back on, but I already had three fingers knuckle deep in his ass so I didn't want to waste time arguing with him." So Blaine was right; Sebastian is a switch. Santana said he is totally a power bottom while Kurt's opinion was that he would never let the other guy top and Blaine did not dare to say anything out loud, because he was sure Kurt would somehow twist his words into an irrefutable proof that Blaine is cheating on him with Sebastian. "And he was clenching so deliciously around my fingers, tight like a vice and whimpering like only a virgin should – though when I think about it I don't think I have ever fucked a virgin, which is actually a pity, because they could be lots of fun too. And he was begging for my cock so prettily I felt almost bad not giving him instantly what he was so hungry for, but that tattoo was just _so damn distracting_."

The movements of Blaine's hand are made difficult by how dry his palm is and the one drop of pre-come sliding down the side of his cock doesn't make it any easier. But maybe it's better this way; the uncomfortable friction makes the waves of pleasure crashing into him that much sharper in contrast, everything that much filthier, that much more shameful.

"Do you remember when I said I met the man of my dreams on the dance floor?" Sebastian's tone changes so suddenly, so whimsically for a heartbeat Blaine isn't sure it's not just a trick of his feverish, absolutely despicable imagination. Instead of that almost annoying indifference Sebastian's voice now is just the slightest bit breathless and almost… _joyous_ and _oh god_, how is that even possible, he is talking about a complete stranger he had a one night stand with in a gay bar months ago. "Do you, Blaine?"

Blaine almost moans loudly at the sound of his name before he realizes Sebastian expects an answer. Blaine swallows tightly, mouth suddenly dry and cock still hot and heavy in his hand and is he supposed to be able to say one word that does not betray the fact he is touching himself?

"Yeah," Blaine whispers and he lets his eyes fall closed in relief because his voice does not break, does not sound weird. "Go on," Blaine adds quickly, feeling bold and horrified at the same time and his dick jerks in his hand at the thought of _ordering_ Sebastian.

"He really was made of dreams," Sebastian continues and _oh_, there is a smile in his voice; not a cocky smile, but a happy, satisfied one. Blaine remembers what Santana said, the words twisting Kurt's face into a horrified grimace and making Blaine turn away to hide his shameful blush: _He's totally a happy-go-lucky cockslut in bed, except when you are not good enough or when he wants to dominate the fuck out of you, obviously, in which cases he could probably make you cry before your first orgasm. But I don't even know why we are talking about this and why I, the lesbian chick, can see it and you two can't._ The phone falls from Blaine's fingers and he turns his face so he can still hear Sebastian as he presses his now free hand against his mouth. Years of having to masturbate in a house with paper thin walls and parents with the obnoxious ability to appear totally out of nowhere and a brother like Cooper taught him how to keep quiet, sure, but still… "He had the prettiest cock I have ever seen; a bit bigger than average, a patch of blond curls above it and a prominent vein all the way to the head that was just begging me to run my tongue over it. Just looking at it made my mouth water, pity I don't actually suck cock, because that beauty was made to fuck a hot, naughty mouth."

_Sebastian doesn't suck cock_, Blaine thinks surprised and it's the most ridiculous thing that he feels _disappointed_. He raises his head finally to look at his dick, standing proud and wanting to finally reach completion. He doesn't even hear Sebastian's voice anymore, just stares mesmerized and dizzy with need at the clear fluid glistening on the tip and the mess of dark curls at the base and Sebastian is attracted to Blaine _a lot_, isn't he? Maybe he would do it for _Blaine_… Maybe Sebastian would let Blaine's cock into his mouth. Maybe Blaine would press the head against his closed lips first, smearing the pre-come on the trembling pout of his bottom lip messily until Sebastian finally loses his patience and yields for Blaine. This is Sebastian, so he wouldn't let Blaine take complete control, wouldn't let Blaine fuck his mouth to his heart's content. He would grab Blaine's hips and hold them down against the sheets, his nails digging into Blaine's skin as a warning when Blaine _still_ tries to push up into that sinfully hot wetness of his mouth and…

And Blaine wants to come up with so many things he would do to Sebastian, with Sebastian, would let Sebastian do to him, but he feels the steady pleasure coiling in his stomach suddenly turn powerful as his orgasm pulses through every fiber of his being, knocking the air out of him and blackening his vision for a few seconds.

When he comes down from the height of his release he has enough presence of mind to grab his phone and end the call, fingers shaking so violently it takes three tries to find the button.

_Shit._

Guilt crashes over him so suddenly tears spring into his eyes as he stares up at the ceiling of his room. He doesn't dare to look at his lap, at his cock now resting soft and satisfied between his legs, at his come coating his thighs, the bottom of his tank top and the sheets, slowly drying and becoming tacky and gross. He usually either takes a shower or at least uses a wet sponge to clean it off, but now he feels like his whole body is petrified, unable to move at all.

A very tiny part of him wishes he could sob and scream like a baby, like he used to when he was a little boy, before his father taught him that crying like that doesn't solve anything and only shows how weak and powerless one is. But this is actually how he feels now; weak and powerless. And so, so ashamed.

* * *

><p><em>I shouldn't have come here<em>. Blaine thinks about Burt greeting him with a bright grin, Finn wanting to lend him a movie that is – according to Sam, at least – a 'badass western-science fiction-fantasy-horror stuff' and Carole offering him ice cream.

"What is wrong?" Kurt whispers as he leans back, his hand slipping from Blaine's neck. "You stopped kissing back."

"Sorry," Blaine laughs awkwardly and he can't bring himself to look at Kurt, to see Kurt's pretty face and breathtaking eyes and to be hit by the wonderful knowledge that he is Blaine's boyfriend and the terrifying knowledge that Blaine doesn't deserve him. "Nothing is wrong."

_Except I kind of had something the closest to phone sex with fucking _Sebastian_ and I really, really didn't mean to, it was truly an accident, he doesn't even know, fuck, I do hate myself and I'm honestly sorry and I love you a lot._

"I love you a lot." Blaine means it, he really does. He presses his face into Kurt's shoulder and curls his arm loosely around his waist, his palm resting above the small of Kurt's back, the touch not sexual in any way, just… it's just there. Kurt doesn't push him away, but he is not in a hurry to return the embrace and he remains silent. "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you." And Blaine guesses this is also true, if he considers the love he feels for his family a different kind of love. The _stupid_ crush, for example, that he had on Jeremiah that made him do _that_ – he doesn't want to think about it, _oh god_, what even was he thinking, _seriously_ –, that was nothing compared to what he feels for Kurt, his boyfriend of a year. But when Blaine thinks about it is even his love for Kurt _that_ much? Blaine is still just an immature, inexperienced teenager, after all. "You're truly the best thing in my life." Well, if he doesn't count his family and his friends and music and singing and dancing and… But Kurt _is_ important and he is _so _great, _so_ lovely; it's not _that_ far from the truth, is it?

"I love you too," Kurt tells him quietly, and Blaine smiles into his shoulder at this even as his heart fills with the familiar feelings of heavy doubt and nagging uncertainty. Because how much is Kurt's love? Will it last for more than the end of summer, will it last even when Kurt is in the majestic city of New York and Blaine is still stuck in this stupid town?

"I'm going to get ice cream, would you like some?"

Blaine shrugs as he draws back, letting go of Kurt and Kurt's smile is quick but sweet before he leaves the room. Blaine curls up on the bed, knowing he doesn't deserve to be here, on his boyfriend's bed.

He has to put an end to his friendship with Sebastian.

They will meet Santana tomorrow, but after that…

It's not like Blaine _needs_ Sebastian as a friend, because he has plenty of friends, friends who have yet to almost blind him or betray him or lie half as much as Sebastian does. And Blaine has the most amazing boyfriend, so Sebastian desiring him, while not exactly unwelcome per se, is still something Blaine could more than survive without.

There is… no, there _was_ a very, _very_ tiny part of Blaine, the part that was so horribly naïve and embarrassingly desperate and blinded by those few moments when Sebastian smiled at him warm and sweet. A part that thought if Kurt doesn't want a long distance relationship Blaine could be with Sebastian next year. Because sure, Sebastian wouldn't be a good boyfriend right now, but they have like half a year till the beginning of Blaine's senior year and is it completely impossible that Sebastian could change, could become a better person for Blaine? If Dave could go from a horrible closeted homophobic bully to honestly, tearfully apologizing to Kurt and truly trying to make amends then trying to accept his sexuality, like going to a gay bar, then being brave enough to tell Kurt in such a sweet and romantic way that he loves him (and Blaine was rather annoyed by it because _he_ is Kurt's boyfriend, but he is pretty sure Dave wasn't aware of that and if Blaine, like, saw all that happen in a movie? He would have probably melted in a heartbeat). Of course what happened _after_ changed everything, but still…

So there was this really insignificant and very _stupid_ part of Blaine that thought next year he could _maybe_ try to go out with a _much_ nicer, kinder, not cheating- and blackmail-prone Sebastian. They would clap and cheer proudly for the other during competitions and tell their friends: _That is my boyfriend up there, isn't he the best?_ Blaine looked up Courvoisier on the internet one evening when he _really_ didn't want to study for an upcoming test and apparently there are truffles filled with Courvoisier, so he would give that to Sebastian and Sebastian in return would give him the most beautiful bouquets. And Sebastian would tease him cheekily, because Blaine can't do anything with the flowers but take pleasure in their beauty while they can actually eat the truffles, thus the truffles are a lot more useful, but if Blaine wants flowers how could Sebastian not give his boyfriend what he wishes for? Blaine would stay in touch with Kurt as good friends after an amicable break-up (and with Rachel and most of the others too). Kurt would focus mostly on studying, but there are lots of very handsome and lovely gay guys in New York, so Kurt would also try dating and he would discuss how things are going with Blaine, alternating between sweetly blushing and giggling and being very confident and serious. He would be worried about Blaine's relationship with Sebastian, but he would see that Sebastian can make Blaine happy, so he would grudgingly support them, even if he would make a few quips about Sebastian's hair or clothes occasionally. Blaine would learn _everything_ about lacrosse. They would have passionate, adrenaline-fueled sex to celebrate their victory; Sebastian fucking him into the wall of the locker room after all his teammates are gone, not being able to stop smiling in joy because_ we won _and Blaine's grin would be just as bright because_ of course you won_. Or they would have gentle lovemaking if they lose, Blaine peppering Sebastian's sweaty face with soft kisses after he takes off the helmet and never letting Sebastian look anywhere but into Blaine's eyes, never letting him think about anything but how Blaine feels under his hands, against his lips, around his cock. Blaine would be able to trust Sebastian by now and so they would spend a lot of time in Blaine's room and in Sebastian's too, since, well, his parents are never home, which is of course terrible, but that would mean they can be as shamelessly loud as they want… And the homework that would take fifteen minutes if they were doing it on their own wouldn't be done even hours later, because they are boyfriends and it's kind of their duty to distract each other with teasing kisses and wandering hands and Sebastian whispering the filthiest things into Blaine's ear, making him duck his head in embarrassment and grind his erection down onto Sebastian's lap.

But Blaine knows that in reality a relationship between them just simply wouldn't work. That Sebastian wouldn't give up his promiscuous ways for Blaine and Blaine wouldn't be able to be the boyfriend of someone who doesn't think there is anything wrong with cheating.

But even if Sebastian would promise to have sex with only Blaine, could Blaine believe him? Would Blaine not worry every night when they are not falling asleep in each other's arms where Sebastian is; what if he's having sex with a stranger right now, while Blaine is lying in his own bed wide awake in the darkness, feeling like his doubts are eating him alive.

And then there is the whole thing with New Directions and the Warblers being rivals. Blaine doesn't think he could go back to Dalton, not just because he has friends in McKinley and his parents would be pissed at him for wanting to change schools every year, but also because of the whole slushie incident. It's not like Blaine can't forgive the Warblers, he can, if he can forgive Sebastian himself, who masterminded the whole thing. It's just that… maybe Dalton is not the place where Blaine belongs. Not anymore.

Bet let's say he does transfer again, even then… Blaine accepted not even having the slightest chance of being the leader of New Directions this year; he understands that he was a new member and anyway, the two glee clubs work totally differently. It would be probably mean and maybe slightly Sebastian-like to say that the members of New Directions are… more _individuals_ and don't exactly have the sheep mentality the Warblers – a bunch of mostly rich boys wearing uniforms and not taking most things too seriously – are cursed or blessed with. And Blaine wouldn't be okay with being just one of the guys dancing around Sebastian while he sings; Blaine would want to be their leader and soloist again and Sebastian, captain of the Warblers who is tired of playing nice, would probably not let him, no matter how much he wants to get into Blaine's pants. Blaine is sure he wouldn't even let Blaine sing a duet with him, like Blaine did with Kurt. Of course Blaine would have his ways of getting in the good graces of the Warblers again, maybe he would even be able to turn them against Sebastian, but Sebastian would have a few probably very unfair tricks up his sleeve too. And Blaine is not sure he would want to spend his senior year trying to fight for what _sometimes (_in Blaine's most arrogant moments) seemed to be the most self-evident thing before Blaine decided to leave Dalton to be with Kurt – and before Sebastian joined the Warblers, of course.

And who knows what sort of deceitful schemes and blackmails Sebastian would come up with this year to try to make sure the Warblers finally win Regionals?

So yeah, he doesn't need Sebastian. _Fuck_, he is actually the biggest idiot ever for even thinking about trying to put up with an asshole like that after _everything_.

"Here I am," Kurt sings cheerfully and Blaine hears his footsteps and feels the bed dip before the absolutely delicious smell of chocolate hits his nose. He turns around with a grin – but it's not as bright as usually, because he feels horribly guilty and ashamed of himself – and takes the ice cream from Kurt; three globs with chocolate sauce dripped everywhere.

"I don't even like Sebastian, not even as a friend."

The words stumble out of his mouth without his permission, sounding so bitter and frustrated he would be surprised if Kurt didn't find it suspicious. Blaine blinks in surprise before glancing anxiously at Kurt, who has the spoon just hovering in front of his open mouth, his eyes wide in confusion.

"Then why did you dance with him all night or why did you talk to and text him for _months_? Why did you have one of your brightest grins I have ever seen when he greeted you? Why were you the first to stand up and clap for him proudly even though he almost blinded you and attempted to blackmail the glee club you are in? Why are you friends with him _now_ if you don't like him?"

The chocolate sauce is warm on the ice cream and it tastes amazing, but Blaine doesn't really have an appetite right now.

"At that time I didn't feel completely accepted by all of New Directions and suddenly Sebastian was there, praising me, reminding me how it felt to be a Warbler. I'm sure the Warblers told him I liked to take new members under my wing and he sensed that I miss Dalton, so his whole 'Once a Warbler, always a Warbler' thing, that was very cunning of him. It later turned out to be just another one of his bullshits, but it did work at that time. I wouldn't have given him my phone number and e-mail otherwise. And I danced with him and grinned at him because this is what I do, I smile a lot and I like to dance, it seemed like fun at that time, but that was all. But holy shit, he was absolutely insufferable, you know? He talked so much and it was all complaining and whining with a bit of criticizing and then he added some mockery and condescension to it all. All that negativity wore me out _so much_ every time we talked. And I cheered not _him_, but _them_ on, because even after everything they were still the Warblers and what they mean to me cannot be erased just by one stupid asshole's manipulations. And after the competition I remembered how it felt last year to lose, to wonder why, how it could have been better and I knew he tortured himself with asking the same questions and I… maybe it was stupid, but I felt responsible to cheer him up or something, because they were really great and it wasn't his fault at all, it's just that the judges thought we were even better. And he apologized and somehow I told him we can be friends again. But I shouldn't have. And I'm not sure how to tell him that I don't actually want to be his friend."

Blaine feels like he just betrayed Sebastian in some way, except of course Sebastian doesn't know and _Sebastian's _betrayal of their friendship was a lot more horrible anyway. (And hey, didn't Sebastian also tell Dave in the hospital _in front of Blaine_ that he isn't even attracted to Blaine?)

Kurt's expression is not relieved or happy or smug. It's just pure shock and then Kurt draws his eyebrows together and tilts his head a little, like he doesn't know whether he should believe Blaine or not.

Well, Blaine does kind of mean most of it. But there is such a thing as lying by omission, and Blaine omitted _a lot_. Like how great it felt to be so earnestly desired by someone – someone who is very desirable himself –, and be not only desired, but also praised for his talent and leadership and even asked for help. And Sebastian complained a lot, sure, but Blaine needed to complain too sometimes and Sebastian was like the only one Blaine could complain to about New Directions and Sebastian, he could also really _listen._ This was kind of strange, because Sebastian is awfully self-centered and that became clear in the first week of their friendship. Yet Sebastian could somehow be actually truly attentive; Blaine knew he was listening because he also asked questions, not just murmured a _yeah_ or _I see_ when he thought he had been silent for too long. And Sebastian was also smart in a witty, cultured and honestly very enjoyable way, and he could not only listen but talk for like an hour without Blaine getting bored. Blaine knew Sebastian did not want him _only_ for his body, though that was also there, of course, but somehow Blaine didn't _really_ mind, didn't feel like Sebastian looked at him as if he were nothing but a cheap whore. Blaine knew Sebastian's lust wasn't love or anything even close to it. Sebastian didn't have a _crush_ that meant he wanted romance and to be Blaine's boyfriend, but still, _most of time_ Blaine felt like he was more than a purely sexual object or completely meaningless possible conquest for Sebastian. He was also a _friend_.

"Okay…" Kurt shrugs, looking like he is still waiting for the punch line as he puts a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth – _geez_, isn't that too much and too cold to eat at once? "Though to be honest I expected you two to stay friends a _little_ longer… like a month, maybe. And hey, you really shouldn't worry about how to tell him. We're talking about _Sebastian_, come on."

"Yeah," Blaine laughs mirthlessly.

Yeah, he has to stop being friends with Sebastian.

Both for Kurt and for Sebastian, he can't continue this. _He can't._

For Kurt, because Kurt is his _boyfriend_ and because Blaine _loves_ Kurt and Blaine already isn't always the best boyfriend, isn't always the boyfriend Kurt deserves, even if he _tries _he knows he has hurt Kurt more than once and he can't do it again, he just can't.

For Sebastian, because _that_… that was _not right_. Because Blaine came to the thoughts of Sebastian having sex with other men, having sex with _Blaine_, wrapping his lovely lips around his cock _oh stop this train of thought right now._ Because Sebastian _did not fucking know_ and Blaine is pretty sure there is a lack of consent or permission or something equally gross there. Sebastian would be _proud_, probably, would be smug that he was able to make Blaine touch himself with just talking on the phone, and he would laugh at Blaine and tell him he is being overdramatic and totally blowing things out of proportion and _nothing happened_, he wasn't _actually_ cheating on Kurt and even if he was? Kurt _doesn't know._

Sebastian wanted to give him a striptease the first time they talked on webcam and he once or twice made a comment about giving Blaine permission to jerk off to thoughts about Sebastian in his blazer, because according to him Blaine was staring at him as if this was the only thing he wanted, which wasn't true _at all_, Blaine just… he just missed the Dalton uniform a lot, okay? But Blaine couldn't be sure how serious Sebastian actually was. And even if Sebastian wasn't kidding it still doesn't mean Blaine should have done _that_. Just like the fact Kurt talked about sex before Scandals does not mean Blaine had any right to do _that_ to him in the car.

_Shit_. Sebastian is supposed to be his _friend_. His way too damned attractive for his own good, shamelessly flirty and slutty friend who wanted to get into Blaine's pants since day one and who talked about having sex with strangers super explicitly, sure, but Blaine still shouldn't have treated him like a _sex toy _or something. It is one thing to masturbate while watching porn stars Blaine will never ever meet or fantasize about faceless, nameless guys_,_ but if he stays friends with Sebastian he has to talk with him and laugh with him and look him in the eye and…

Blaine is supposed to be a better person than this.

Blaine was also supposed to be a better person than doing what he did to Kurt in the car that night, of course, but… that was different. _Worse_, in some ways, but that was _Kurt_. They _loved_ each other, they _still_ love each other a lot, Kurt forgave him and Blaine didn't _really_ want to… And ever since that night Blaine is always very careful, very attentive, he always stops when Kurt makes even the smallest, most unintelligible sound that Blaine can't be completely sure is a sign of his happiness or pleasure. It annoys Kurt sometimes so much he decides to take charge, though occasionally there is also that understanding and _relieved_ look in his eyes that never fails to make Blaine's stomach twist in discomfort and guilt and quell his lust a little.

The point is; Blaine _knows_ he will never do _that_ to Kurt again.

The problem is; Blaine can't say that what happened during his phone talk with Sebastian won't happen again.

And he can't say that if he continues to be friends with Sebastian he surely won't one day _actually_ cheat with him on his boyfriend.


	5. Chapter 5

Sebastian expects a flustered smile, a mesmerized gaze that quickly turns into eyes cast down or Blaine stumbling over his words in that goddamned sweet way of his – _Oh, well… a three-piece suit, that's… wow… _– or, like, _anything_.

Anything but Blaine only sparing him a glance and giving him the smallest nod before sitting down.

_Huh._

Blaine totally has a suit kink, Sebastian looks especially fucking good in _this_ suit and even if Blaine is in useless puppy love with his boyfriend he is still _attracted_ to Sebastian, so there is absolutely no reason for Blaine not to swoon over him, if only for a few seconds.

Then Santana walks to their table, her steps brisk even though she is wearing those awful high heels and it suddenly makes perfect sense that Blaine is pretending to be unaffected.

Santana is in a frilly white blouse with pearl colored buttons and a royal blue pencil skirt and with the sardonically raised eyebrows and utterly unimpressed curve of cherry red lips she has the unmistakable air of someone who is all ready and eager to fuck shit up.

Sebastian smiles at her as pleasantly as he can. Of course he isn't _afraid_ of Santana, _come on_, how ridiculous would that be? But she is totally up to something; Sebastian can sense it like sharks know where the blood is in the ocean. Like how he _knew_ she wasn't kind enough to pay a visit to him in Dalton _just_ to inform him about Blaine's surgery.

Santana sits next to Blaine, which means Sebastian can't sit anywhere but opposite them. He tries to ignore how it kind of feels like Blaine and Santana are teamed up against him.

Sebastian suspects the three glasses and three plates of salad on the table are Santana's doing. She told him she is 'practically the adopted sis of Breadstix', which most likely either means she has a family member in the staff or she fingered enough waitresses. Whichever the case is, the salad definitely doesn't look as gross as it could. Well, it would be rather difficult to make _salad_ look unappetizing – not that Sebastian would dare to underestimate the service industry of Lima, Ohio and their ability to be as awful as humanly possible.

"A peace offering," Santana starts, motioning broadly at the salad and the glass of red liquid in front of Sebastian. It looks like wine but is most likely raspberry syrup because Sebastian is pretty sure Breadstix doesn't have alcohol – then again, family connections or giving the waitresses a few quick orgasms can help one go a long way.

Sebastian stares at Santana, searching her expression for anything that would betray what she _actually_ means, because if anyone should give a peace offering it should be Sebastian. He did consider buying her a bouquet, because it certainly didn't hurt while apologizing to Dave Karofsky. But he couldn't find any flower that means 'I'm sorry for saying offensive things, for the slushie and for everything else. I would never admit this out loud but I knew I had to step up my game with you. We both know all your friends except Blaine are total morons, but that tape was _almost_ smart. It was actually completely useless, but hey, at least you tried to do something more than dance around on your stage with no choreography and sing a supposedly inspirational but totally taken out of context Michael Jackson song'. Sebastian called Blaine an hour after Blaine had so abruptly ended the call to ask whether Blaine knows any flower that would be appropriate to give Santana, but Blaine didn't pick it up and Sebastian didn't bother to try again. It wasn't that important.

"I'm sorry if I _truly_ hurt you in any way," Sebastian says instead. Before Dave Karofsky's suicide attempt Santana's ability to give as good as she got was awfully frustrating, but _now_ the knowledge that she was tougher than she looked at first glance is actually comforting in a way. Because that night at Scandals Dave seemed to be just another boring boy; not very cute, annoyingly awkward, clearly inexperienced and not worthy of even twenty minutes of Sebastian's time. He didn't seem to be the kind of person who would try to _fucking kill themselves_. And just like he has no idea who Dave is, Sebastian understands that he doesn't know anything about the vulnerable, raw, all too easily broken parts of Santana she can possibly hide behind the bitchy exterior.

Because _almost everyone_ has something like that, right? Because five or six years ago one of his classmates had a birthday party where Sebastian made a girl burst into tears because he mocked her costume so much. He had his right arm in a cast for more than a month after her 'boyfriend' defended her 'honor'. None of his classmates offered to write anything on his cast, but his mother took pity on him in the middle of the second week and decorated his cast with flowers and stars and stuff like 'Love is better'. It was so embarrassing Sebastian spent hours cursing his mother for caring about him only when she felt like humiliating him. _And love is better than what? _But he didn't want to ask his mother, instead started to plot how to get revenge on the boy. He came up with at least a dozen magnificent schemes before accidentally catching his father kissing the boy's mother one day when he got home two hours earlier than usually because the library was closed that day – and what were the chances of _that_ happening, _seriously_? And so he explained to the mother that if she doesn't make sure her son transfers before Sebastian's cast comes off he will tell her husband _everything_ (at that time he didn't really understand what 'everything' was but he knew it was _wrong_ and that was enough). The only problem was that the boy said they have to move because of 'family stuff' and Sebastian didn't dare to potentially destroy his father's reputation by telling _everyone_ the truth, so the others didn't know about Sebastian's cunningly achieved grand victory.

_Wow_, he really was such a little piece of shit even as a kid.

He digressed. The point is; at that birthday party Sebastian's fortune cookie told him that '_Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle_'. He remembers only because the words sounded really pretty all those years ago, but now he feels like he finally actually _understands_.

Maybe. Until he forgets it all.

Santana doesn't say anything – it's an _awful_ apology, Sebastian knows, but he is still very inexperienced when it comes to telling people he is sorry and he especially doesn't know how to treat Santana when they are not being hostile. But at least she doesn't laugh or make a mocking comment, so that basically means she accepts it, right?

Sebastian decides to try the salad. It tastes… not horrible. A bit too dry.

"There's no olive, parsley, ginger or a single _frutti di mare_ in it, don't worry, you picky brat," Santana tells him.

Sebastian isn't sure whether he should be more offended by the 'picky brat' comment or because Santana doesn't know that the singular form is actually _frutto di mare_.

"How do you even know?" Sebastian wonders instead. He wouldn't put it past Santana to try to collect random information about him _just in case she needs it_ but good fucking luck trying to use what he doesn't like in his salad as blackmail.

"Blaine," Santana shrugs, her lips curling into a smile that is sweet, but in such a mocking way Sebastian braces himself inwardly as he calmly raises his eyebrows. "Apparently you are allergic to olive and certain clams and algae? He wouldn't want you to have to go to hospital. I mean it's not like he had to go to hospital because of you or anything like that, right?"

_Ouch_. Well, that was a low blow. Totally deserved, _fine_, but still fucking dirty.

"Sebastian didn't want that to happen, Santana," Blaine snaps, not loud, but there _is_ an almost stubborn certainty in his tone.

And it hits Sebastian right in the chest sudden and not exactly welcome, this feeling of _something_; pleasantly warm and awfully heavy and his lips fall open in surprise. Because Blaine _defended_ him from Santana, the friend who tried (and failed, but that's not really the point now) to make sure Sebastian won't be able to get away with _putting _Blaine_ into hospital, _with _almost blinding him_.

And Blaine actually remembered that Sebastian doesn't like olive, parsley and ginger and _who does that_? It is one thing to remember Sebastian's lacrosse practice schedule, because when he thinks about it that is actually something that came up a lot and was important, because they had to know when they have time to talk. But caring enough to remember how Sebastian likes_ his salad _and what he is allergic to? Sebastian is pretty sure his parents don't know stuff like that about each other (or, well, about their son, but never mind that).

It is most likely _gratitude_, Sebastian realizes, that feeling behind his ribcage. And when was the last time he felt grateful? He can't remember. Everything he got, he got it because _he_ fought for it, sometimes using underhanded schemes, sometimes not having to resort to playing unfair. Everything he lost, he lost it because _he_ wasn't good enough – okay, no, he lost because New Directions had home court advantage or because Blaine thinks staying faithful will make that joke of a relationship with his boyfriend stronger. But Sebastian could have been smarter or more cunning or _something_. Better.

What matters is; he didn't win. Neither the first place trophy nor Blaine.

But Sebastian still has Blaine – maybe not completely, but what does that even mean, to have someone _completely_? So Blaine refuses to let Sebastian fuck him? Hey, there are enough men Sebastian can have sex with when he feels like it, right?

Sebastian and Blaine, they are still _friends_.

And that is also a fucking amazing thing.

"I know that," Santana says uncharacteristically earnestly. There is something soft in her eyes now, something that makes Sebastian confused and just a bit uncomfortable. "There was this look on your face, just for a moment," Santana starts to explain and Sebastian wants to bite into his lip and turn his head away, but he feels like that would be admitting she is right, so he continues to stare at Santana, hoping all his guards are securely up. "Don't worry, your minions were all too busy staring at me to care about your expression, but I saw it; anxious, miserable, lost, vulnerable, should I continue? Kudos for recovering awfully quickly, though. You played the teenager sociopath quite well after that."

Okay, to be called a teenager sociopath is a bit too much in Sebastian's opinion, but he doesn't bother to say anything. It's not worth it.

More curious than actually thirsty Sebastian raises his glass to his lips, quirking a surprised eyebrow when the rich scent of wine hits his nose. Santana's lips are tugged into a wicked grin as she watches him.

Sebastian quickly puts the glass down without taking a sip.

There is no point asking whether there is something in it, Sebastian knows, because Santana wouldn't tell him. It's not like he thinks Santana would want to _murder_ him, of course not, but there is no such thing as being too careful when you are Sebastian Smythe.

"By the way, the whole rookie power lesbian thing?" Sebastian cheekily winks at Santana. He grins in amusement as her lips twist into a confused scowl. He wants to say something like 'Not as boring as the cheerleader uniform' or 'So this time you didn't steal your godfather's fedora', but he suddenly falls silent as a memory hits him. He wonders, maybe a bit silly; does Blaine remember too? "Super hot."

He can't help but smile a little when Blaine makes a small but clearly amused sound. It is almost a laugh.

"What is so funny?" Santana sneers, but it's not as venomous as it could be and there is a little bit of honest curiosity hiding in her snappy tone. It's like she can't exactly decide whether she should switch from 'snarky bitch glaring the fuck out of Sebastian' to 'trying to pretend she doesn't wish to kick him in the nuts' mood or not.

"It is an inside joke?" Sebastian doesn't remember ever having an inside joke with anyone, so he isn't sure that's the most appropriate expression. "When I first met Blaine I told him 'The whole blushing schoolboy thing? Super hot'. It just came to my mind suddenly."

"It was bashful, you idiot," Blaine says more angrily than necessary. Sebastian glances at him, perplexed by the overreaction, but Blaine is too busy chewing his salad to look at Sebastian.

Santana has this actually fucking awesome look of utter disgust on her face. It's the kind of brutally real grimace that could make flowers wither and small children burst into tears in a heartbeat. If it could be packaged and sold she would be richer than Sebastian's family.

"Bashful? _Blaine_? In what fucking universe?"

"He wouldn't be bashful _for you_." Sebastian's smirk is utterly shameless and he probably has the kind of awfully self-satisfied expression that would make anyone's palm itch to slap it off his face, but he _honestly_ can't help it. He just really likes the idea that he can lure a side of Blaine out that Blaine doesn't show others. Maybe not even to Kurt. Maybe especially not to Kurt. Because _okay_, Kurt can give Blaine roses and handholding and dates in the amusement park and cuddling while watching musicals and drinking hot chocolate and foot massages and flirty duets and all those other inane bullshits Blaine likes to gush about on the phone with so much enthusiasm Sebastian sometimes worries he will end up grinding his teeth into dust if he continues to be friends with Blaine for too long. But Sebastian could also do all that. Like, surely they can't be _that_ difficult? _And_ their sex life would be _so much more_ amazing than what Kurt could ever even dream to offer. He thinks he would have the patience to learn every part of _Blaine's_ body, he would work hard to find out how this touch _there_ and that kiss _here_ feels for Blaine, the places on his body that, when caressed or bitten or worshipped _just right_ would coax all sort of lovely sounds from that sweet mouth. And Sebastian is pretty sure Blaine would be a worthy lover, because there _is_ charm in the wide-eyed wonderment and surprised gasps of a… okay, _technically_ not a virgin, but let's be honest; having sex with _only_ Kurt Hummel is the closest thing to having zero experience. And there is also the fact that Blaine is actually at least theoretically quite knowledgeable when it comes to porn, so he would have _a lot_ of ideas and fuck if Sebastian wouldn't be eager to be there for him. "And you wouldn't be able to… _appreciate_ him anyway."

The grossed out look on Santana's face levels up; now it could make a whole forest wither and a thirty-year-old burst into tears in a heartbeat.

"I'm going to need _hours_ of sweet sapphic lovemaking to forget about the staggering amount of sleaziness you were able to inject into just that one word."

Sebastian laughs. There is this _something_ in Santana's voice under all the disgust, something that sounds the closest to grudging admiration.

"You should have said 'sex'. That would have been a triple alliteration," Sebastian quips. "Or 'scissoring'." Not that he _actually _knows what that means, but it's some sort of lesbian sex act, right? At least that's what Wikipedia said. There was most likely also a picture of two cartoon women. There always is, sometimes more than one; Wikipedia likes to be helpful like that.

"'Sapphic scissoring' would have been redundant," Santana shoots back and Sebastian almost breathes a sigh of relief – how embarrassing would have been if scissoring is actually a totally non-sexual thing? – before she arches her eyebrows in a way that makes Sebastian lick his lips in half-annoyance, half-worry. "You don't have the slightest idea what that means, do you? It's written all over your face."

"_Please_ do not explain it to him." Blaine's voice is dripping with irritation as he attempts to glare a hole into the saltshaker. "And don't make those disgusted faces. I know that's like your default expression when you are with anyone but Brittany and some of the other girls, but it makes being around you very frustrating. You're into girls, I get that, but you know what? I'm into boys yet I didn't say anything mean when you texted me that you plan to have sex with your girlfriend using handcuffs. What Sebastian said wasn't even explicit at all, so really, you're being hypocritical."

It's starting to get a bit annoying that Blaine thinks he has to cut in, as if Sebastian weren't more than capable of holding his own against Santana's snarky-cruel comments or grimaces, but it also kind of makes Sebastian feel smug in a way, because, well, Blaine _cares _about him enough to think he should bother with trying to stand up for him.

"That smirk and that 'appreciate' was more explicit than anything you and your boyfriend are _ever_ gonna do and we all know this. Let's be honest, even Kurt does."

Blaine chokes on his salad and Sebastian would too, were he not Sebastian Smythe. But he is, so he just stops nibbling at the carrot for a moment before he continues eating, feeling worried as he watches Blaine cough and groan, clutching at his chest, twisting the bright red fabric of his shirt. Sebastian offers Blaine's glass to him and Blaine takes it, his middle finger twitching as Sebastian's hand maybe not that accidentally brushes it. Sebastian kind of wants to pat Blaine's back or at least take Blaine's hand into his and rub his thumb soothingly over his knuckles.

(Maybe he still feels guilty for leaving Blaine there on the ground after the slushie, and he knows _this_ isn't a big deal, but he wants to do something to show Blaine that he does care, he cared after the slushie too, he was fucking _horrified_, but at that time he still believed that he doesn't make mistakes and that he can't do anything but pretend to be completely in control of every situation.)

"Fuck you, Santana," Blaine spits out viciously after the coughing subsides. "What do _you_ know? I love Kurt, he loves me and that's what matters. And come on, we are teenagers! So what if we have yet to try out every page of the Kama Sutra? And what if Sebastian, I don't know, wants something from me? _I_ don't want to. So it's irrelevant."

And Sebastian knows that Blaine is talking to Santana, not to him, but it still doesn't feel very great, that Blaine thinks Sebastian's desire for him is irrelevant. It's just a rather ugly word and Sebastian hates to be thought to be irrelevant. It sucks that Sebastian can't truly enjoy that Blaine basically just admitted that his sex life with Kurt is boring as fuck – not that there was any doubt about that, of course.

"It's cute that you think anyone can keep anything a secret from me." Santana's lips are curled into a little smirk as she tilts her head to the side in smug amusement. "You do remember I was the one who caught Dave Karofsky checking out Sam Evans' ass, right?"

Sebastian does know that Dave Karofsky used to go to McKinley and that Sam Evans has an awesome ass (not as pretty as Blaine's, but that's an awfully high bar), but this is news for him.

Then he remembers Blaine called his attraction _irrelevant_, as if Sebastian's flirting and compliments – while he also loved to criticize basically everything else – didn't make Blaine feel smug and special and at least a little bit _happy_.

"Wait, is Sam Evans the one who blew me – um, the Warblers – a kiss during Regionals? The cute blond dude with the dick sucking lips? There's no way he isn't at least a little bi-curious."

Sebastian isn't actually interested in Sam Evans. He wouldn't kick him out of his bed per se, but he wouldn't spend too much time trying to seduce him. But he puts a lot of teasing, lustful eagerness into his tone, just to see Blaine's reaction.

Blaine's reaction is both amusing and satisfying. His eyes widen almost comically, he actually shakes his head a little, like he isn't sure he heard Sebastian right and he swallows heavily before starting to speak, not looking at Sebastian.

"Don't say that. It's degrading. I mean what you said about his lips."

"What the hell, Blaine?" Santana scowls. "You _shamed_ Sam in front of everyone for trying to make his little siblings happy, there was actual _shoving_, and now…"

"It wasn't like that!" Blaine interrupts Santana, voice exasperated as his fork clatters loudly on the plate. There is something a little strange about him, almost in an unsettling way; something Sebastian can't quite put a finger on. How today Blaine has yet to smile, how he is carefully trying to avoid even glancing at him and how easily he snaps at both Sebastian and Santana. Well, maybe it's just that Blaine is a little tired or he has a headache or maybe Kurt didn't fuck or ride him as hard as he would have liked last night (hah, and isn't _that_ the joke of the year?). "_God_, I didn't _mean_ it… I was just frustrated because at that time I felt like no matter how much I work and try to fit in everyone but Kurt and Rachel still dislikes me and all of a sudden Sam was there, he was everyone's best friend, even _you_ were all cozy with him… I apologized and he accepted it, okay?"

Sebastian doesn't have any idea what they are talking about. Blaine did talk a lot at the beginning of their friendship about how he often felt like he is still an outsider and when he was a Warbler it all seemed to be a lot easier – which was a humble way of saying he got all the solos and everybody kissed his ass –, but he never mentioned that he feels any kind of resentment towards Sam Evans and Sebastian doesn't remember Blaine talking about _shoving_.

"You called _me_ a hypocrite." Santana actually _points_ at herself. She's being unnecessarily overdramatic. Not that Sebastian would expect anything else from a member of New Directions. "At least Sebastian is an unapologetic bitch like me. Sure, he annoys the fuck out of everyone and I will laugh my ass off when he ends up having to spend all his oh-so-hard-earned cash on making sure he won't be a jilted sugar daddy, but do you know what is worse than an asshole aware of the fact that they are an asshole? An asshole who tries with all their might to pretend they are a nice person. Just own up to the fact that you believe that being a stripper and possibly having some fun with a few costumers is something shameful, that you think that the only acceptable way to have sex is with your one and only love and do not come up with bullshit excuses to try to hide that you are a judgmental prick."

_Wow_, so Sam Evans worked as a _stripper_? Well… this makes the guy just a little bit more interesting. But not enough for Sebastian to bother trying to get him, because Blaine told him this Sam Evans is head over heels in love with… Mercedes, Sebastian is _almost_ completely sure that's the girl's name, he pretty much believes himself to be as straight as a ruler and to be honest, awesome ass or not the dude _himself_ just… seems to be pretty bland. Too much of a goody two-shoes, maybe. It would be too much hassle to try to get into his pants and probably not worth it in the end.

"I'm not judgmental!" Blaine looks at Sebastian then, for the first time today, and there is this utterly _lost_ expression on his face for a moment. He opens his mouth then closes it as his eyes slide down from Sebastian's face to rest on his tie. "I… I do not think you should have sex with only one person all your life but what if I think you should love them? So what if I believe that… that sex should be taken seriously and that you should cherish your lover? It was incredibly nice of Sam to help his family, but couldn't he find another job? I know he is dyslexic so maybe not tutoring but he worked as a pizza boy last year and I'm pretty sure people in Kentucky eat pizza too, so…"

The taste of tomato and dill turns bitter on Sebastian's tongue. He didn't care when Kurt insulted his face and hair, not even when he said Sebastian is a disgrace to the gay community or whatever, Santana frustrated him, yeah, but she couldn't actually _hurt_ him. But Blaine is… _different_, somehow, because Blaine was never his… his opponent, not _truly_, because Blaine never tried to mock him or defeat him. Because Blaine laughed politely at _everything_ Sebastian said and he always answered even the most inane e-mails and there was a time when he grinned at Sebastian bright and true and nobody ever smiled at Sebastian like that before. It doesn't make any sense that Blaine would insult him in such a passive-aggressive way_ now_, after he actually forgave Sebastian and told him they can be friends again.

"Whatever. Let's talk about the real reason we are here." When Santana glances at Sebastian there is this look in her eyes that is… _pitying_? _Oh fuck_. The last thing he needs is _Santana Lopez_ feeling sorry for him. Kurt thinking Sebastian has feelings for Blaine and telling Sebastian he understands what unrequited love or something like that is was more than enough humiliation for the rest of the year, thank you very much. "Dave Karofsky." Santana takes a calming breath before she continues. Her voice is a bit unsure now, like she has to carefully roll the words around on her tongue before she deems them inoffensive enough to say them out loud. Sebastian can sympathize with her. "We know what happened. It shook even _you_, Sebastian, surprising us with the fact that you do actually reach the very minimum of what is expected from any decent human being. So, Dave needs friends. He has his parents, but his mother is less than accepting and he also goes to therapy, but he needs _peers_. He needs other gay teenagers who can _understand_ at least a part of what he has to deal with. Obviously none of us can _truly_ get it… well, _luckily_, as awful as that sounds… but we have to try to be there for him. Leaving a person who tried to commit suicide alone and without support is a very, very dangerous thing. I already talked with Dave and he said he wouldn't be against either you or Blaine being his friend."

It's not a totally out of nowhere thing; Sebastian knows that Dave needs understanding friends now, but he never expected to be asked to be one of these friends. He thought Kurt, Santana, Blaine, Santana's girlfriend and maybe some of their other misfit buddies would be enough.

"But I think Dave needs friends who are not awful? I'm still pretty much a dick, Santana."

Santana just rolls her eyes.

"We _all_ are. You are the worst, no doubt about that, but it's not like I'm an angel and Kurt has his moments too and… Blaine does too." Santana shrugs. "I'm not going to blackmail you. If you don't want to at least try to make sure Dave won't want to kill himself again…"

"Of course I do," Sebastian scowls, glaring at Santana because _fuck_ it's not like he doesn't _care_, it's not like he doesn't understand that _almost dying_ is a really fucking huge deal, it's not like Kurt's words – _He really tried to do it._ And even if he can talk with a seemingly honest smile about his future, even then… how the hell can we be sure he won't try to do it again? – don't still echo in his mind. "Okay, fine… From now on I'm Dave Karofsky's friend."

Santana's face breaks into a huge smile and Sebastian tries not to show how taken aback he is by the honesty and the sheer joyous _relief_ in it. As if Santana thinks _Sebastian_ could be a great friend of a boy who tried to kill himself, as if Sebastian could _help_ Dave, as if Sebastian is not the kind of asshole who doesn't know anything but how to hurt others and fuck things up. Wait, should he pretend Dave didn't try to kill himself and act like nothing is wrong or should they actually talk about it? _Oh god_, what is Sebastian supposed to do? Because this is a huge responsibility; to be the friend of a most likely still suicidal boy and Sebastian is not nice, he is not kind, he doesn't know how to treat people the way they should be treated or whatever.

Santana gives him a piece of paper. It has an address, an e-mail and two phone numbers on it.

"You knew I would agree, huh?" Sebastian grins at her. The corners of Santana's lips curl up smugly before she places another piece of paper in front of Blaine without a word.

"You know why I don't think this a good idea…" Blaine swallows anxiously, his hand not holding the fork curling into a tense fist on the table.

"Kurt told him you know so now he knows that you know and he said it doesn't bother him, because it doesn't matter, especially not after what happened," Santana says firmly, her smile kind. Blaine's shoulders visibly relax as he tries to grin back at her, but it's so watery it couldn't fool anyone into thinking it's even the slightest bit honest.

"What are you talking about?" Sebastian raises his eyebrows. Blaine just shakes his head, continuing to shovel salad into his mouth.

"Ask Dave. He will tell you what he thinks you should know," Santana says before wrapping her lips around her straw. "Or not."

_Oh. Great_, Sebastian thinks. _That sounds like a walk in the park._

"Give me a few days, Santana, I'll discuss it with Kurt and then I'll have my answer, okay?"

Santana lets the straw slip from her mouth to smile again at Blaine, this time the shadow of exasperation and doubt tainting the curve of her lips. "At least take the paper."

They eat the rest of their salad mostly in silence, Blaine and Santana exchanging a few words about Quinn Fabray and how she was actually incredibly lucky, because no vital organs were injured and according to the doctors she will probably be able to walk in a few months.

"So how much was my meal?" Sebastian asks after they are all finished.

"It was a gift," Santana shrugs before taking the glass of wine and running the tip of her index finger over the rim in a full circle, a thoughtful look on her face. Sebastian frowns in confusion.

"You can't expect me to own you money," Sebastian shakes his head, his tone cocky. "I'm a Smythe. We don't own _anyone_ money."

It happens too quickly for Sebastian to even think about turning his head or raising his hands to protect his face. Santana stands up abruptly and Sebastian doesn't even have time to look up to see her expression before she throws the wine at his face with one swift, practiced movement of her arm.

It's… it's not _that_ bad.

The smell of wine is so overwhelming he can hardly breathe for a few seconds and the liquid is _everywhere_, dripping down his face and his neck and even behind his ears. _Shit_, he is wearing a white shirt and his favorite pale lilac tie and it is _red_ wine and _fuck_, this suit was expensive.

But it's not as bad as getting a huge cup of slushie made extra freezing cold by rock salt and having your cornea scratched. It's not even as bad as having a normal slushie all over your boobs and running down between them and _okay_, Sebastian doesn't have boobs but that was probably rather uncomfortable. Plus, Santana's clothes looked expensive. Or maybe they were just a cheap school play costume she… _borrowed _before trying to interrogate Sebastian, he isn't sure.

"This was _long_ overdue, you little bitch." Sebastian hears Santana's voice before he feels her hands grip his shoulders and she pushes him with a surprising strength against the hard wood behind him. He opens his eyes, wincing when a fat drop of wine falls from his eyelashes. "You are lucky you apologized and called off the blackmail, because otherwise this wouldn't have been lukewarm wine, but slushie. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold, no? I would also make a quip about the saying 'an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind', but not even I'm a bitch enough for that. Oh, and your whole 'me against the world' philosophy? Sorry, but you alone are _not enough_. You have failed _a lot_ and you are only going to continue to do so if you don't try to work _with_, not _against_ others. We're giving you a second chance, but do not dare to fuck this up. If you hurt Dave _just once_, you are _absolutely_ done. If you hurt Blaine, Kurt or anyone else _again_, you are also done. Do you understand?" When Sebastian doesn't answer she bares her teeth and Sebastian would tell her how ridiculous that is, except he is still too shocked to remember how to form words. He thinks his father warned him once or twice about women like Santana, but by that time he knew he is exclusively into cock, so he wasn't really listening. "Do you?"

"Let him go, _god_, Santana, I can't believe _you_ called him a teenager sociopath."

Santana does let him go at that. Sebastian looks at Blaine, whose eyes are filled with so much earnest surprise Sebastian instantly knows Blaine had no idea Santana would do something like this. Sebastian raises his arm to try to wipe the wine off his face. He ends up with the back of his hand looking as if he just put it into a barrel of blood.

His mind is reeling; it all feels quite surreal. He doesn't know how to deal with this. Doesn't know how to deal with Santana's triumphant smirk and the arrogant way she has her hands on her hips, doesn't know how to deal with the other customers gawking at them and whispering to each other behind their hands.

He especially doesn't know how to deal with Blaine taking his hand into his own and trying to clean the wine off with napkins, still avoiding looking into Sebastian's eyes but his touch is so careful, so gentle.

He tries a grateful smile. But it's useless; Blaine's eyes are stubbornly glued to their hands.

Blaine's skin is warm where his fingers are curled against Sebastian's hand. Their hands don't exactly fit together but it's not horribly awkward.

It feels kind of nice.

"You should go to the restroom, clean yourself up. I'll come with you."

Sebastian almost tells Blaine he shouldn't, because Sebastian did left him after the slushie and Blaine could have actually been _blinded_ and it's not like Sebastian is actually hurt or he is allergic to wine and he has other suits, it's really not a big deal.

The public humiliation, yeah, that part _sucks_, looking around and seeing eyebrows raised in shock and lips curled into amused or outright mocking smiles.

Maybe they think Santana was his date. Maybe they think she just broke up with him. Like in those ridiculous movies; Sebastian always thought shit like that doesn't happen in real life, that nobody would actually want to make a scene in a crowded restaurant. At least she didn't slap him. He doesn't think he could explain this _incident_ without either lying or sounding like an idiot; _Yeah, well, she is a member of a rival glee club so I slushied her a month or so ago – a slushie is an iced beverage, a stupid McKinley tradition in case you didn't know – and this is her revenge_.

Before Dave's suicide attempt Sebastian would have probably tried to find _everything_ on the internet about Santana Lopez or maybe he would have sweet talked Blaine into revealing a few discriminating things about her that would help Sebastian drag her name through the mud. Or simply that Santana is a spicy Latina cheerleader from Lima Heights Adjacent who likes to threaten people with bodily harm and who used to hop from one desperate public school dick onto the other before deciding what she needs is a girlfriend would be more than enough for Sebastian to twist into something that could destroy her reputation and the chance to ever find any other job but being a call girl.

But _now_ he knows better. (For a while, at least.)

Blaine follows him into the restroom – Santana is already gone and most of the costumers are back to eating and chatting with each other. He leans down to wash his face and neck, the water turning red and pink between his fingers. When he straightens up to look into the mirror at least his skin is clean and he doesn't care about the suit, not really. He has other suits, _a lot_, his family has money, also _a lot _and his parents wouldn't care even if they didn't live in another state or did spend more than a few days a month at home. He thinks about the time he called up Blaine to ask how to get red wine out of the fabric, contemplates asking him whether he remembers – _who would have thought I would need your advice again so soon, huh?_

But he doesn't feel like making jokes. Suddenly he feels exhausted, _shit_, he feels _so_ weary. It's all too much; a ruined suit and public humiliation truly is _nothing_ compared to a suicide attempt and a car crash and Blaine could be _blind_ and Kurt's dad almost _died_ of a heart attack. He wants to go back to insulting Kurt's clothes and checking out Blaine's ass right in front of the boyfriend, to photoshopping humiliating pictures to make sure he (_the Warblers_) wins a choir show competition. He doesn't want to feel guilty and tired and lost and he doesn't want to be Dave Karofsky's friend because what if he ends up doing more harm than good?

He feels the tentative pressure of Blaine's hand on his shoulder and he doesn't _mean_ to, but he still feels himself relax. It feels like an anchor somehow, in some stupid way, because even though it's soft and there are layers of clothing between Sebastian's skin and Blaine's hand it still feels more… _real_ than the greedy grasps of big, too hot palms of the guys at Scandals.

Sebastian wonders if it would bother Blaine if he touched the hand on his shoulder with his wet fingers and he thinks maybe it wouldn't. He starts to raise his arm and he doesn't want anything sexual, he just wants to put his hand on top of Blaine's. That's something friends can do, right? That surely wouldn't be flirting.

"I don't think we should continue to be friends."

His arm instantly falls back to his side. Blaine looks down, biting into the corner of his lips and there is this reluctant look on his face as his hand slips from Sebastian's shoulder, like he thinks Sebastian is hurt or sad and Blaine doesn't want that. But Sebastian is pretty sure his expression betrays nothing but confusion and maybe the sheer _shock_ he feels rushing through his veins, cold and harsh like when the winners of Regionals were announced except a lot more unexpected, because at least he knew there was a possibility that the Warblers will lose but this is completely out of fucking nowhere.

"The rest of this year will be pretty busy," Blaine starts, sounding like he is reading the words from a paper. Like this is a speech he had to rehearse again and again in front of his mirror. "School stuff, plus we _really_ want to win Nationals this year and my boyfriend and many of my friends are seniors. I want to spend as much time with them as possible before probably losing most of them forever."

"So we can't even talk for half an hour on the phone while you do your homework at least once a week?"

"Sebastian…" Blaine closes his eyes, exasperation etched into his features and Sebastian feels annoyance flare up in his stomach because he _fucking doesn't get this_.

"It was yesterday's phone talk, wasn't it?"

Because it has to be _something_ and Sebastian can't even begin to think of anything else.

Blaine's eyes widen and they are so, _so_ pretty and he gasps softly and there is a fucking _blush_ on his face and Sebastian can't enjoy any of this because the next moment Blaine presses his lips tight together and the corners of his lips curl down and he looks fucking _ashamed _as he turns his head away from Sebastian.

"Telling me you want me to stop flirting with you was bullshit, wasn't it? You won't let me stroke _your_ dick but you don't actually want me to stop stroking your _ego_ and you don't want me to stroke other guys' dicks. You should _cherish_ your lover? Well I don't! I don't fucking cherish my lovers. So what? Did you hang up yesterday because you were _disgusted_? But did I not warn you that it would make you uncomfortable? You know I have one night stands, you know I don't care about relationships. And I'm not a shitty person because of that. I'm a shitty person because I insult and humiliate others, because I don't care about anyone but myself, because I wanted to use blackmail, etcetera… You were mad at me, _yeah_, but ultimately you forgave me for all that, for _everything, _you wanted to be my friend again. But listening to me talking about the men at Scandals suddenly changed your mind. Not the fact that I'm a huge asshole. But the fact that you aren't the only guy I want, that I refuse to stop having sex with other men just because I'm trying to get into your pants. You actually got mad at me for forgetting the exact words I used to flirt with you _months_ ago. You always want to feel like a special snowflake and the only one that matters, right, Blaine?"

Blaine looks _defeated_. Sebastian can't help the bitter smile, can't help rolling his eyes, can't help wishing what he never ever wishes for; he wanted to be wrong this time.

"Give me your phone, Sebastian. _Please_. Let me delete my number."

There are so many words dancing on the tip of his tongue –

_Oh, fuck you. At least try to pretend I'm not right._

_I'm sorry, Blaine, I'm so sorry for everything._

_You think you can _toy_ with _me_, you think you can give me another chance and then throw me away?_

_I know I wasn't the best friend ever but _damn it_, maybe I want to _try _to be._

_If you think I'm _devastated_, if you think you actually matter_ _enough to me to be _hurt_ by you you're wrong._

_Did you know that I like you? I do. All this time and you still refuse to put out for me and somehow I still like you a lot._

– but he swallows them all.

"Okay," Sebastian shrugs and puts his phone on the edge of the washbasin. There is nothing discriminating in his phone, nothing illegal or possible blackmail material.

He also still has Blaine's phone number on a piece of paper written in Blaine's neat handwriting somewhere in his drawer buried under a few months worth of worksheets and essays and it wouldn't be that difficult to find it.

But what would be the point?

"I'm sorry, okay, Sebastian?" Blaine's voice quivers slightly as he places the phone exactly where Sebastian put it just a minute ago. "I do not hate you, don't think that. I just…"

"You just don't want to be my friend," Sebastian finishes it for him. It's fine. He won't force his friendship on Blaine. He won't be a clingy, needy stalker. If Blaine doesn't want him, it's only his loss.

He is staring at Blaine shamelessly now, taking him in for maybe the last time. (Was he not always shameless, after all, and is that not the reason Blaine had enough? Not the insults, not the slushie, not the blackmail, not even that he had to have surgery because of Sebastian. But that he likes to fuck and get fucked by hot strangers. _Well, who would have thought?_) Except of course it's not the last time; they can run into each other at the Lima Bean or maybe at Breadstix and next year they inevitably have to meet at Regionals.

For a moment he contemplates trying to talk Blaine into a farewell fuck or at least a goodbye kiss; it wasn't _fair_ that he led Sebastian on and used Sebastian to make himself feel good and wanted yet didn't give Sebastian _anything_ in return and Blaine _wants_ him, they both know he does. But Sebastian may be a huge douche, but he isn't _that_ kind of douche.

And he has dignity too. He refuses to _beg_ for anything. He refuses to risk being rejected, _failing_ yet again.

But _god_, he _wants_ this boy so bad.

He wants to see Blaine's pupils blown with desire; the slim ring of glittering gold around the black, he wants to sink his teeth into that sweet, rosy lower lip and lick at it to soothe the sting of his bite, he wants to cup that lovely ass in his palms; he wants the dirties, naughtiest things and maybe even the sweetest, gentlest things. He wants _everything_.

And he wants to listen to Blaine laugh into the phone before going to sleep, the warm, sweet laugh that tugged Sebastian's lips into a smile every time he heard it. He wants Blaine to talk about his school and his parents and his friends and _fucking hell_, Sebastian would take Blaine gushing about his boyfriend too if he has to.

_You took our friendship for granted, Sebastian. Don't make that mistake again._

Sebastian promised himself he will try not to take it for granted. That he will try not to make too many mistakes. That he will try to be the friend Blaine wants and deserves.

Except Blaine doesn't want to be his friend anymore.

"Just go. Let's not waste each others' time anymore," Sebastian makes a dismissive motion with his hand and if his smile is just the tiniest bit frustrated and _maybe_ sad, _well_. He wants to shout and scream and bang his head against a wall, but he doesn't do childish shit like that, he is better than that, better than showing anything but cold, calculated fury or annoyed but not completely unexpected disappointment.

Blaine's expression is _so_ full of feelings – doubts or questions or accusations or apologies or _what ifs_ or all of them – yet Sebastian can't understand _anything_. He likes to pride himself on knowing what others think or feel but he has never felt as far away from Blaine as he does right now; Blaine has never been so unreadable, so hidden, so much like a stranger.

And then Blaine is gone.


	6. Chapter 6

Blaine's parents are cuddled up on the couch, munching popcorn and sharing a bottle of beer as they watch a low-budget, cheesy adventure movie with explosions that somehow knock out everyone but a scruffy guy and a girl in a dress so colorful and elaborate Kurt would be absolutely in love with it.

"I'm home!" Blaine shouts as he steps into his slippers, hoping his parents can hear him over the gunfire and the overdramatic screaming.

He expects his parents to distractedly wave and smile at him or maybe a quick 'We can talk during dinner, if there isn't anything too urgent, okay?'.

Instead his dad turns the TV off while his mother scoots away from him and pats the space between them.

"Can we talk, sweetheart?"

_Huh_. Blaine doesn't remember doing anything wrong. His grades are fine, his room is mostly clean, he doesn't smoke or do drugs and he _always_ wraps the used condoms into like a dozen tissues before throwing them away.

He nods before flopping down between his parents. His mother squeezes his knee gently and his dad wraps his arm around his shoulders in that comradely way of his that somehow makes Blaine feel like he's no longer a child and is expected to act like a man, whatever that exactly means. Blaine doesn't have the slightest idea what is going on, but it always feels nice to be nestled between his parents; comfortable, cozy and, well, _there's no place like home_. He leans back and grabs a handful of popcorn.

"You do know we both love you very much, right?"

Blaine blinks at his dad, his mouth freezing mid-chew. He quickly swallows the popcorn and tries to stop himself from coming up with all sort of horrible possibilities. But what if his parents want a divorce? But they still love each other, even after _decades_ of being married, even if there are arguments occasionally, but that's just how relationships work, isn't it? It can't be a divorce… What if they have money problems? What if they have to move for some reason, what if all of a sudden Blaine has to leave _everything_ here in Ohio behind?

"Of course I do," Blaine tells his parents, hoping he doesn't look like he is ready to press the panic button. "Why are you telling me this _now_? What is going on?"

His mother takes his face between her palms suddenly and Blaine turns towards her, closing his eyes briefly as she presses a quick kiss against his forehead. It's familiar in a gentle, soothing way; she used to do this all the time when Blaine was a little boy.

"Blaine," his mother starts, leaning back so Blaine can see her expression; it's earnest in that completely unquestionable way Blaine has never seen anyone else look at him and just the tiniest bit uncertain. "We love you just as much as we would if you were into girls. You know this, right?"

_Oh_.

Blaine didn't know.

His parents never called him sick or disgusting for being gay, never thought about disowning him or sending him into one of those creepy gay-to-straight camps.

But they kind of completely ignored his sexuality. They never talked about it, it was never even mentioned by his parents. When Blaine told them he has a boyfriend they just nodded and didn't ask anything like _Aw, well, who is he? Where did you two meet? How old is he? Do you love him? When are you going to introduce him? _There were so many times Blaine felt so frustrated he wanted nothing but to shout: _Hey, mom, dad, I'm gay_!, but he knew there was no point, that they are just going to pretend they didn't hear him or quickly find another topic. Blaine had sex with his boyfriend in his own room and Kurt has yet to have an actually conversation with Blaine's parents. And then there is his father's obsession with trying to bond with him over 'manly stuff' _especially_ after his coming out. And not even the kind of 'manly stuff' Blaine is actually interested in, like football, boxing or fencing, but, like, cars and space technology and _wrestling_. Because _of course_ watching sweaty, muscle-bound and spandex-wearing guys basically dry hump each other (seriously, there is _porn_ less explicit than some of those matches) will convince Blaine that being straight is the best thing ever. (Well, it is _easier_ than being gay, that's for sure, but it's not like Blaine _wanted_ to be gay, it's not like he wanted to be mocked and called horrible names and get beaten up. He just _is_ gay, whether he wants to be or not. And he doesn't want to be, _per se_, but he wouldn't actually ever want to try to change it, not even if he could. He is Blaine Anderson and he is gay and that's it.)

"Don't look at me like that," his mother's smile is so sad Blaine feels bad for a moment. Then she draws him into a fierce hug – his dad has to awkwardly let go of his shoulder for it not to be too uncomfortable – and Blaine falls against her chest, face pressed against her shoulder. Her arms hold him tight and secure and most of time Blaine doesn't like the fact that he is, well, _tiny_, but now it feels nice to be able to be in his mother's embrace and not feel like an awkward tree getting hugged (that's how Finn once described being hugged by his mom or Rachel or, well, basically everybody else who ever felt like hugging him).

Blaine knows his father hates crying, but as he lets himself be enveloped in the sweet scent of his mom's perfume – it's different every month; his mother likes to experiment with scents just as much as with clothes or make-up or nails, but somehow it's always pleasant and _mother's perfume_ – he wonders; are tears of joy and relief also shameful?

But Blaine doesn't actually cry, instead wriggles out of his mother's hug as gently as he can, letting her press a quick kiss against his left cheek.

"As happy and grateful as I am, I don't understand why _now_… I mean you knew for _years_, so…"

His parents are silent as they exchange a glance that probably speaks louder than any word for them but Blaine still doesn't feel any less in the dark.

Until it hits him as he puts another handful of popcorn into his mouth.

Dave Karofsky's suicide attempt. _Of course_. His parents must have heard about it. Who hasn't heard about it, after all?

Blaine tries not to feel any less happy. But there is a tiny, horribly selfish part of him that can't help but feel just a little hurt. When _he_ was beaten up so badly because of his sexuality that he had to go to hospital his parents didn't tell him they loved him just as much as they would if he was straight. They were absolutely terrified for their son; his mom's eyes were red-rimmed and baggy and he had never seen his father look so weary before. But the fact that Blaine was beaten up because he is gay was never mentioned.

(It's not the same, of course, but in a way it's similar to how he felt when Sebastian didn't even bother to write him a text saying 'I'm sorry about your eye, I hope you will be fine' after he almost _blinded_ Blaine but Dave's suicide attempt suddenly changed things enough for him to apologize and call off the blackmail. Blaine understands that almost _dying_ is more serious, but a surgery is pretty awful too (_he_ has first-hand knowledge, after all). So was _Blaine_ simply not _that_ important?)

"Oh, it doesn't matter," Blaine laughs, breaking the silence that was starting to become too tense, because in the end it really doesn't. "I'm so, _so_ glad. Ah, but… does that mean that, um… okay, are you going to treat me any different now or, well, what is going to happen?"

"If you want to, you can introduce your… um, boyfriend to us. We can have a dinner, all four of us." His father's voice is surprisingly gentle and Blaine has no reason to fight the huge grin and he almost throws himself into his dad's arms, before he remembers his dad isn't a huge fan of showing affection in such ways with anyone but his wife.

"Thank you!" Blaine can't remember the last time he felt so much warm joy bubble up in his chest. He wants to run into his room and sing a million silly-happy songs or scream into his pillow or do something that will maybe help him process this all.

Maybe he should call Kurt.

Or Sebastian.

_Oh_.

The bubbles of happiness burst into nothing one after the other. He can't call Sebastian up. Not anymore.

Later, when Blaine is curled up on his bed in his pajamas after the shower, his phone resting on his pillow, he tries to think it all through before calling Kurt.

His parents do love him; this is something Blaine never ever even thought about questioning. But Blaine still isn't sure they _really_ accept him. They are just worried their son might also ends up trying to commit suicide because he is gay and doesn't have enough support and not even the most homophobic parents would want their kid _dead_, right? But this doesn't mean his father will lead him down the aisle or his mother will organize his wedding. She used to talk about it so much when Blaine was younger and everybody thought he will be straight – _I know violets are very pretty, sweetheart, but the flowers are not big enough _and_ your suit can't be boring like your father's suit was _and_ my son won't have a wedding cake that isn't at least three storeys tall_.

Feeling restless, Blaine rolls onto his back. He stares at the ceiling and thinks about the time he was just a little boy and there were plastic stars and planets above his bed glowing in the darkness every night. Not exactly like the real Solar System, though, because he had three Jupiters and two Mercuries and not even one Earth. Cooper told him this Earth they are doomed to spend a life on is more than enough, there's no reason to wish for another one. That must have been his moody teenager period, which lasted probably like half an hour because every other time he was too busy being an overdramatic and obnoxious attention hogging idiot to truly worry about anything. Well, surely Cooper had his doubts and insecurities too, so maybe Blaine is being a little unfair now, but he can't help but feel at least a little resentful. But Cooper was still Blaine's brother. _Is_, even if they don't spend as much time together anymore as they used to, which is totally fine, Cooper is an adult now, he should try to make his dreams come true, who the hell wants to stay in Ohio anyway? Cooper is Blaine's big brother, who used to give him piggyback rides and saved him one summer from that toxic jellyfish in Hawaii and taught him how to make scrambled eggs and gingerbread cookies. Who was often mean to Blaine (even though _maybe_ he didn't mean to be, he just thought he should teach his little brother how to deal with criticism because the world of show business is cruel and harsh and the sooner Blaine gets used to it, the better), but always protected him from strangers and occasionally even from his own friends when they mocked his baby brother.

And there are people like Sebastian, for example, who do not have siblings at all and maybe not even parents, at least no parents who actually _care_, and that must be a lot worse. Because at least Cooper was there to help Blaine in his own way, even if sometimes he caused more harm than good and they did have lots of fun together too. But when Blaine thinks about Sebastian with his neglectful parents and being an only child and _geez_, is it really a wonder why he is so… well…

He isn't exactly sure why, but he decides to check his e-mails. Three from Kurt, two from Rachel, one from Sam (but that one was sent to like everyone so it's not personal, probably a movie recommendation or something like that) and one from Sebastian. Blaine's heart skips a beat in the strangest mixture of worry and hope before he realizes that e-mail was sent at 07:21.

Which means morning, which means before Blaine told him he doesn't want to be his friend anymore.

It's the golf video Sebastian promised to show him.

There is suddenly a lump in his throat as he reads the sentences Sebastian wrote for this video. There's always some kind of commentary, sometimes snarky, sometimes honestly amused, occasionally (but _really_ not very often) praising. Sometimes it's like an essay, or a bunch of jumbled thoughts that have nothing to do with the sentences above or under them.

_Hi! Especially check out 02:32 – guy has an amazing ass, so great I'm sure even you with your ball and chain of a boyfriend will enjoy it. Also! I was wondering if maybe I should buy a goldfish? Because I think it would be great practice for me, you know, to try to take care of something, care for something, I don't know. And goldfishes are cool. Except I looked them up on Wikipedia and look: '__Like most carp, goldfish produce a large amount of waste both in their faeces and through their gills, releasing harmful chemicals into the __water. Build-up of this waste to toxic levels can occur in a relatively short period of time, and can easily cause a goldfish's death.' So basically they can kill themselves. Like they don't want to, but they still do. And, well, you know, all that stuff with Dave, so that just really made me not want to have a goldfish because what if it kills itself because I couldn't take care of it? Maybe I should buy a cactus. Or a rat. Which one do you think is less easy to accidentally kill because you might suck at taking care of it?_

And this is when it _truly_ hits Blaine; that this is the last e-mail he will ever get from Sebastian. There won't be more late night or early morning phone talks, no chatting about inane things while they are both doing their homework, no wondering whether Sebastian's smile is so warm and sweet only because the webcam distorts the image or maybe Sebastian does actually smile at _him_ like that.

Talking and listening to Sebastian has _somehow_ become a part of Blaine's daily routine for _months_ just as much as his morning coffee or greeting his parents with an 'I'm home!' when he gets home or his phone talks with Kurt.

His phone rings suddenly. There is a split second when he thinks (maybe even kind of hopes) it might be Sebastian, before he remembers it can't be.

It's Finn. Blaine frowns in confusion before he picks it up.

"Dude, did Kurt and you have an argument? Or, like, a break-up?"

_Wait, what?_

"No," Blaine answers. "_Why_?"

"Well, he is acting strange," Finn sounds worried and Blaine tries again not to panic without knowing what is actually going on. "Sam tried to cheer him up with his impressions and Kurt didn't laugh, didn't even roll his eyes. He is doing this staring off into the distance thing and it's like he can't even see us, like we are ghosts or some shit like that. Mom made his favorite cheesecake but Kurt told her he isn't hungry and now he's in his room, door closed and he is, I don't know, probably watching one of those fashion shows or a sad musical and drowning his sorrows into his milk and popcorn. He refuses to tell anyone anything. Not even his dad. So I thought it's maybe… you know, relationship stuff. If not an argument or a break-up… Wait, do you have, uh, sex problems or something?"

"Um…" Blaine _really_ doubts it's about sex. His sex life with Kurt is… perfectly adequate, thank you very much. And it's mighty rich of _Finn_ with his premature ejaculation and too much sweating and _allegedly_ rather strange facial expressions to accuse _anyone_ of having sex problems. Finn is his pal, Rachel is one of his best friends and Blaine would never say it to their faces but he can totally understand why Santana mocks their sex life all the time. "_No_. I don't know why he doesn't want to talk with his family, but it's not anything like that. And hey, it's not like _you_ discussed your proposal to Rachel with them."

"They wouldn't have supported it," Finn says simply, his voice just a little annoyed.

_Yeah, well, nobody really supports it. We just pretend to because we all know you two are stubborn idiots who can't understand that what you think you want may not always be the best for you_, Blaine thinks, trying not to feel too bitter. Getting married in high school is bullshit. It's not a lot better than a marriage after a drunken one night stand in Vegas and when there are still so many places where gay people can't married, not even after _decades_ of loving each other, it's especially unfair. Plus, Rachel and Finn are _teenagers_ and therefore still immature and not sure about their futures and their feelings could change so easily and don't they have a history of cheating and breaking up _a lot_?

He says goodbye to Finn after he promises to call Kurt. It takes so long for Kurt to pick his phone up Blaine almost gives up, thinking he will write him a text or maybe try again an hour later.

"_God damn it_, Blaine, who promises someone their friendship – no, actually _asks for it_ – and then tells them 'Oh, sorry, I don't want it anymore, don't worry, it's me, not you, but don't ever think I dislike you in any way, I just don't want to be your friend'?"

Blaine suddenly remembers there's a lump in his throat, stubborn and heavier than before.

Kurt has no reason to be against Blaine breaking his friendship with Sebastian. He should be ecstatic about it. And why would _that_ make Kurt so upset his family – even _Finn_ – noticed it? Kurt must mean something else.

Why is everyone starting their conversation being super cryptic today?

Kurt gasps in realization. "Okay, sorry, yeah, you kind of did that. But Sebastian is an asshole and he may has a lot of issues but at least he didn't try to _kill himself_, damn it!"

Well, that makes a bit more sense. Except it also doesn't make any sense because why would _Dave_ tell _Kurt_ he doesn't want to be his friend? It would be one thing to tell this to Sebastian, whom Dave hardly knows and who insulted Dave or to Blaine, who is, well, the boyfriend of the person Dave loves, but _Kurt_?

"Do you want to talk to me?" Blaine asks tentatively, because he understands that this is a very difficult and painful topic for Kurt – a million times more than anything about Sebastian could be for Blaine and there is no way he could ever be completely honest about Sebastian to Kurt. Or to anyone. Not even to Sebastian. Okay, especially not to Sebastian.

"Yes," Kurt says quickly and then there is silence for a while. Blaine wishes he could be there with Kurt; could hold his hand or embrace him or _anything_. Blaine knows it wouldn't change anything, that… whatever is… Kurt and Dave _now_ – it's too huge, too horrifying and no one can do anything to resolve it, make it easier. This is not a high school memory they will forget by the time they finish college, because Dave _almost died_ and Kurt could have picked up the phone and neither are to blame but this is still something that's going to stay with both of them for the rest of their lives, even if their lives do get a lot better, a lot happier. "David said he will forever be grateful for everything I have done to help him even before _now_, for forgiving him last year and trying to support him, that he will always remember and admire how strong and brave I am. But… but he doesn't want to meet me anymore. _But what am I supposed to do, _Blaine? I _can't_ leave him alone, not now, not like this, not after… I _promised_ him I will be there for him!" Kurt's voice breaks and he falls silent again. When he starts to speak his words are so quiet and rushed Blaine can hardly understand them. "He also said he doesn't love me."

"But Valentine's Day…"

"He doesn't love _me_. I was right, Blaine. He just admired the only out and proud gay boy in McKinley – well, before you. But that's all. The cards, the gifts, the love confession, it wasn't for _me_. Like Scandals, like trying to flirt with Sebastian or at least wanting to become his friend; he did it for himself, to accept his sexuality, to show himself he can spend time around other gay men and be friends with them, he can tell another boy he loves him, even though he doesn't _really_. That he is brave enough to do that, because what is a greater proof of your acceptance of yourself as a gay boy than confessing your love to another boy like that? Ah, I'm probably not doing a great job explaining it, but it did make sense when he talked about it."

That Blaine might be relieved there is no _actual_ rival in love is completely irrelevant; it was clear anyway that Dave _right now_ wouldn't want a boyfriend, even if he _was_ in love. But it is not about Blaine. It's about Dave and about Kurt; about how Kurt might be glad the boy who _tried to kill himself_ isn't in love with him but he is still terrified, even more so now because not being able to be Dave's friend means he can't help him, can't be there for him, can't try to stop him if he maybe again… Kurt told Blaine he has nightmares about trying to pick the phone up and his fingers slip through it or finding Dave in his suit pale and cold and with no heartbeat.

"He said we could meet a year or two later," Kurt breaks the silence, laughing a small, half-bitter, half-hopeful laugh. "Maybe by that time he will have a boyfriend and so we can have a double date; David and his boyfriend and you and me, well, if…" _If we are still together a year or two later_, is what Kurt probably wants to say, but he doesn't. Blaine wants to add that he'd like that too, because even if by that time he won't be Kurt's boyfriend anymore they will hopefully remain friends and meeting Dave a few years later would be really awesome. But Kurt continues quickly. "If a year or two later he will… still be… with us."

"He _will_, because _now_ he has friends and support and _now_ he knows that he does have a future and it's possible even for someone like him to be happy," Blaine tells him, trying to sound strong and comforting. He does _mostly_ believe Dave will be alright, that he won't try to do it again; he seemed to be as fine in the hospital as one could possibly look after a suicide attempt and he talked about his future with that wishful smile that truly seemed to be _real_. But Blaine also knows Kurt feels a lot less sure and Blaine understands that too.

"Funny, this is kind of what Sebastian said too, when we talked at the Lima Bean while I was waiting for you. He was… trying to be nice, I think. No, seriously, I'm not kidding. You know, at first I thought he was just pretending to be guilty when he apologized because he wanted to get in your good graces – which is, okay, a euphemism for pants but I didn't want to be vulgar –, but then he wouldn't have tried to blackmail us, right? Well, he did ask where you are, so I guess he didn't want to talk about the blackmail in front of you, but he must have known we would tell every New Directions member about it. Then I thought maybe he was trying to impress the judges with the whole donation thing, but now Regionals is over and he was trying to comfort me, kind of, and he is willing to be David's friend. He is _trying_, I think." Blaine would have been _so_ glad to hear all this just a few days ago, because he wanted Kurt to at least not _hate_ Sebastian and think he is irredeemable. But what does it matter _now_? "I wish I could think he is just an arrogant smarmy bastard with no feelings, but… You know, I just can't help but remember how Santana used to be, how Quinn used to be, how Puck used to be, how _David_ used to be and I wouldn't have thought about any of them that they are hiding all these burdens and fears and secrets behind their cruel facades. We had _one_ conversation that wasn't about you or Regionals and turns out Sebastian has an awfully cynical worldview and _a lot_ of bitterness and it's not like I was expecting anything else – okay, I truly never cared, to be honest. But it's like he really believes that life is always unfair and the only way to succeed is if you play unfair too. His dad is basically a corrupt attorney and Sebastian must, like, _loathe_ him, because no other way would anyone say their mom is betting on when their dad will finally _die_ thanks to all the stress and…"

"It doesn't matter," Blaine snaps, harsher and more annoyed than necessary, but suddenly he feels like he will _throw up _and he just really doesn't want to listen to Kurt anymore. "I mean it does but… He can take care of himself."

"I'm not saying he can't," Kurt says, his voice slightly surprised. "Well, I'm _really_ hungry and Carole looked shell-shocked when I didn't want her cheesecake so I'm going to remedy that now. And thank you, Blaine. Love you. Bye."

"Love you too. Goodbye, Kurt."

Blaine presses his face into the pillow as he swallows again and again, trying to will the lump in his throat away. He wants to pour himself a glass of cold water, thinks that would help, but suddenly he feels too tired to get up.

It wasn't love at first sight with Kurt; it was a mixture of responsibility and worry and maybe he was also drawn to the prettiness of Kurt's eyes, but it definitely wasn't anything even close to what he feels for his boyfriend now.

Blaine just didn't want the new kid to be left alone, the gay boy who had to transfer because he was bullied so horribly at that public school, who seemed to be fragile even though he tried to hide it and even though _now_ Blaine knows Kurt is actually one of the strongest people he has ever met.

It's kind of the opposite with Sebastian.

Because at first Sebastian seemed to be cocksure and _always_ in control and arrogant in a way that should have been _really_ annoying but somehow wasn't that awful at all and Blaine wouldn't admit it out loud, but there _was_ something rather attractive about all that. Then there was the whole teenager glee club dictator thing, of course, the slushies and the blackmail and Blaine _truly_ didn't like him then…

But after that…

Blaine thinks about the look on Sebastian's face after Santana slushied him with red wine – and _god_, Blaine would have never expected her to do _that_, even if it _was_ kind of completely justified. Sebastian seemed to be so _shocked_ and _lost_, not even trying to fight back in any way or doing _anything_ and Blaine remembers the texts later that night:

**From: Santana Lopez**

_It was fun, right? I did it mostly for myself, of course, but for you too. You deserved to see him like that maybe even more than I did. But I'm glad he is trying to be there for Dave, too. And if he ever hurts you again just tell me, okay?_

**To: Santana Lopez**

_I can take care of myself and actually we are no longer friends, so it doesn't matter anymore, but thank you._

Maybe it was fun for _Santana_, but Blaine is the kind of person who can't help but feel pity when something bad happens to someone, even if it _is_ totally deserved.

And yes, Blaine had to have _surgery, _but at least he was not alone; he had his boyfriend and his friends all worried for him and pissed at Sebastian, they _serenaded_ Blaine, Santana went to Dalton for Blaine, even though most of time she seems to think he is either incredibly annoying or a ridiculously clothed furniture Kurt sits next to.

But who was there for _Sebastian_? Blaine can't help but think about Sebastian getting home in a ruined suit (and about how he talked on the phone about it; _it's a surprise, Blaine!_), turning the lights on because he's alone; there's no one to tell 'I'm home!' and then he couldn't even call Blaine up…

Words echo in his mind, twisting around persistent and unwelcome –

_You have failed_ a lot _and you are only going to continue to do so if you don't try to work_ with, _not_ against _others._

_Did you hang up yesterday because you were _disgusted?

…_hiding all these burdens and fears and secrets behind their cruel facades._

_Don't worry, your minions were all too busy staring at me to care about your expression, but I saw it; anxious, miserable, lost, vulnerable, should I continue?_

…_awfully cynical worldview and _a lot_ of bitterness…_

_You always want to feel like a special snowflake and the only one that matters, right, Blaine?_

_His dad is basically a corrupt attorney and Sebastian must, like, _loathe_ him…_

_I have many other friends. But I want to remind you that you do not have anyone but me to call a friend._

_Just give me a chance._

– and Blaine wants them to go away, thinks maybe singing would help but then he remembers the lump in his throat and he can't believe he feels _guilty_ and _ashamed_ for breaking his friendship with fucking _Sebastian Smythe_.

* * *

><p>In a way it's very comforting to see Dave in his house, dressed in a plaid shirt and jeans, not looking as pale as he was in the hospital, ushering Blaine in with a smile. He asks Blaine to take off his shoes and tells him there is pizza in front of the TV but if he wants something else he should just look into the fridge, he can have anything except the blue bottle because that's his mother's special herbal tea and it tastes gross anyway.<p>

It's like Dave is just your everyday teenager. Someone who didn't try to commit suicide.

Sebastian is sprawled on the couch watching the TV and Blaine stops just in front of the door. For a moment he considers turning back, _running away_, telling Dave he has to go but he _will_ come again tomorrow or something, okay?

(Sebastian usually greets (_greeted_) him with a 'Hi, Blaine' or sometimes even a 'Hello, schoolboy' and a cheerful wink, just flirty enough to make Blaine feel pleased but not so forceful that it made him actually uncomfortable.)

"It's Monday," Sebastian says, his tone mocking as he wipes his mouth with a napkin. "You know I don't have practice today, you know I'm Dave's friend now and you can be a bit dumb sometimes but surely you can still put two and two together. So why are you here?"

Okay, Blaine kind of expected something like this but it stings nevertheless.

He opens his mouth to say something, _anything_, but Sebastian is quicker. He stands up and simply walks out of the room without any word.

Five minutes later Dave is next to him on the couch, dousing ketchup on his slice of pizza and Blaine's mind still can't help but wander back to Sebastian's words, trying and failing to convince himself it's nothing, he doesn't care at all.

"Kurt told me…" Blaine starts awkwardly. He hopes that's enough; that Dave can continue the conversation.

For a split second there is a horribly, painfully vulnerable and open look on Dave's face and Blaine has to glance down and take a bite of his slice of pizza because that expression is just too… too much to bear.

"Everything is so raw now." Dave's voice is quiet and shaky and Blaine still can't bring himself to look at his face. "I'm in this weird place now where I have all these hopes for my future but I do not have the slightest idea what to do with my present. I just… I want to fast forward ten years. I want to leave this place and never look back, I want to live in a city where nobody know who I used to be, who I was in love with, what I tried to do in high school. I want a fresh start. I just want to be a simple gay man in a big city who likes sports and wants to find his happiness. And Kurt… I don't want to hurt him."

Blaine gets it, he really does, and he knows he should drop it, talk about something else, anything else – _You want to be a sports agent, right? What are your favorite movies? What kind of music do you like? So, are you friends with Sebastian now? He isn't mean to you now, is he?_ But he remembers his phone conversation with Kurt and Blaine knows he won't be able to change Dave's mind, but…

"But don't you think you hurt Kurt more if you push him away? He is _terrified_. That he can't be there for you, can't be sure you… he talked a lot about how relieved he is that you gave him a chance to try to help you, to make things right again and…"

"If I told him that I love him and want to be with him, that I can't imagine living without him what do you think would happen?"

Blaine recoils, staring at Dave with wide eyes. He is dizzy with shock and with the beginning of something that feels like panic and he thinks _he can't be serious_. Dave's face is hard, his eyes bitter and still so very vulnerable and then Dave kind of laughs; it's a small, self-mocking, miserable sound that breaks Blaine's heart a little.

"See?" Dave shrugs and turns away, raising the beer can to his lips. His every movement, every word is tense but trying very hard to seem sure. "That's why I don't want him to be my friend. That's why I told him I don't love him. I would _never ever_ say _that_ to him, but what if he somehow comes to this conclusion on his own or something? There's this thing called survivor's guilt. It's not just Kurt, it's _everyone_… my parents, Santana, Sebastian, you too… Let's say Kurt broke up with you to be with me. What would you do? Would you tell him he shouldn't, because I used to bully him and I don't deserve him? You wouldn't, right? You would be somehow able to convince yourself that it's the best like this, even though of course it isn't, and you would be probably ashamed of feeling betrayed or jealous, because I _need_ Kurt and you just love him and you would believe you're selfish for wanting Kurt when Kurt not being with me could mean that I will _try to kill myself again_. This is the survivor's guilt. It twists the perception of the person completely. Can't you see how damaging it all would be for _Kurt_?" When he glances at Blaine there are tears shimmering in his eyes, his eyebrows raised like he is daring Blaine to disagree with him and knowing he won't, he _can't_. "I thought Kurt would feel less like he is responsible for me if I told him I don't love him, that he wouldn't feel so guilty then. But I think I do. I mean… it's not a really strong love. It could have been, _maybe_, if things were _a lot_ different, but as it is now… Not because of you, don't ever think that. We have too much history. And he isn't attracted to me anyway, so… so it's nothing, really. And he should spend the rest of his senior year having fun with his family, his friends… his boyfriend too, of course. Concentrating on getting into college, planning his future. He deserves better than me dragging him down."

Dave wipes his eyes with the back of his hand before he shakes his head, like it's nothing; he is just rambling about something silly and meaningless and he doesn't expect Blaine to say anything. Blaine knows there is nothing he could say; Dave must have thought about all this a lot, lying in the dark for hours wide awake, weeping silently so his parents won't wake up.

"I thought you two broke up, that's why I did the whole Valentine's Day…" Dave's smile is small and apologetic. "Because you weren't at school and that night at Scandals you and Sebastian dancing together, it made me think that… Sebastian knows how to get a guy so I thought… Guess I was wrong."

Blaine nods, trying to smile back at him. Yeah, he thought it was something like that. He isn't mad at Dave, he _can't be_. It wasn't the best feeling to find out how happy another boy's Valentine's Day gifts and love confessions made _his_ boyfriend – even though Kurt somehow thought it all was from Blaine, which Blaine _still_ doesn't really get –, but Dave didn't know Blaine was still in the picture and as Kurt said he thought doing this will help him accept his sexuality, so…

"Do you think I made him uncomfortable? With the secret admirer thing?"

"What? No!" Blaine swallows the pizza before continuing; his mother told him more than enough times that talking with his mouth full is very unseemly. "I wasn't there but the other guys said his smile was really happy and he was giddy and everything, so he, um, enjoyed it." Blaine doesn't add that Kurt thought it was his boyfriend, but maybe Dave knows; Blaine isn't sure. "I think it was very sweet. Super romantic! And, well, you apologized last year and you two had that talk at Scandals so… it's not like last year, when you, you know…"

"I'm sorry, but weren't you the guy who thought it's a good idea to sing a song about sex in a Gap to a male employee in front of all the costumers with your pals? Maybe you aren't exactly an expert on how to woo someone."

Dave's smile is amused but not mean, but Blaine feels the blood freeze in his veins.

_Oh god what was he thinking? _He kind of _outed_ Jeremiah, didn't he? Blaine thought it would be fun, a sure and maybe a bit unorthodox but definitely _really_ cool way to get Jeremiah's attention… He was sure the costumers would just think it's a cute, silly spectacle and forget about it in ten minutes and he had no idea the manager would _fire_ Jeremiah.

But nothing else happened. It did suck that Jeremiah had to find another job and Blaine felt guilty and very, very stupid, but it's not like Jeremiah tried to…

Dave wipes his hands with a napkin before he reaches for the remote, shifting on the couch to get more comfortable. After at least a dozen channels he finally finds one he likes; it's a basketball match.

It is clear Dave is done with the conversation and Blaine knows there isn't anything he could say. He feels overwhelmed; sadness, worry and pity twist in his heart and he wishes he could do something to make things better. There are many things he wants to ask from Dave, but he doesn't dare to; what if it would be too much, too painful or maybe too intimate?

Blaine stands up, feeling too fidgety to continue sitting. He wanders aimlessly around the house, not daring to step into rooms with a closed door. He has yet to meet Dave's parents; they are probably not home right now.

Sebastian is in the kitchen making fruit salad, Dave's bright blue slippers on his feet and he is wearing a pastel green, comfortable looking shirt. Blaine watches Sebastian's tongue flicker out to wet his lower lip as he cuts an apple into tiny pieces before starting to get rid of the leaves on the strawberries.

It's just so… _domestic_.

It's ridiculous and it doesn't make any sense, Blaine knows; but it's like maybe Blaine could wake up one day, walk into _their_ kitchen and for a few minutes just watch Sebastian make fruit salad for breakfast before trudging to the coffee machine. Blaine would be half-asleep and Sebastian would just smile at him, small but honest and full of affection, because he would know that on the mornings Blaine doesn't greet him with a kiss he shouldn't try to interact too much with Blaine before his morning coffee because Blaine is grumpy and easily annoyed and pouty (and not in the endearing way). And Blaine would watch Sebastian pour honey into the bowl and sit opposite Blaine, because Blaine isn't awake enough to be able to stand before his cup of coffee is gone. And when the tiredness stubbornly clinging to Blaine's head is mostly gone Blaine would start to play footsie with Sebastian under _their_ table and…

"Just walk to the fridge if you want to eat something, I'm not going to bite, seriously. It starts to get on my nerves that you're just standing there like a fucking statue."

Blaine flinches. Sebastian's bored monotone doesn't betray any emotion. But he must be, if not hurt or sad, at least angry and annoyed, maybe humiliated. _Something_. _God_, Blaine really couldn't read his face in the restroom of Breadstix; there was sheer shock at first, but that was a given, and for a few moments Blaine caught glimpses of something that was like quiet resignation – it could have been Sebastian's heart breaking into a thousand pieces or just that he didn't enjoy the idea of losing Blaine's friendship too so soon after the Warblers' defeat. It's probably the second one. While Blaine doesn't doubt Sebastian does have a heart somewhere he's sure it can't be so easily broken if it can be broken at all, but it is clear Sebastian's ego is a thing that's awfully quick to bruise.

"I didn't want to hurt you…" Blaine begins, stepping into the kitchen and he instantly regrets even starting to speak because he has no idea what he is doing. He closes his eyes briefly, trying desperately to find the next words. "I'm sorry I… I know it wasn't exactly fair but…"

_But I jerked off listening to you talking about having sex and so what else should I have done?_

"It was never about _you_, Blaine."

There's something in Sebastian's tone that makes Blaine dread what he is about to say.

"I'm sorry?" Blaine asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

"At first I just wanted to seduce the legendary ex-leader all the Warblers were so busy putting onto pedestals; that seemed like an awesome challenge. Then I wanted to wipe that smug expression off Kurt Hummel's face. You know what I promised him? That at the end of the year I'll both have his boyfriend and win Nationals. Then I realized humiliating the Warblers' opponents and winning Regionals is more important than _you_, so that's why I 'betrayed' you, or whatever silly, overdramatic word you used. Then, well, we lost Regionals. But I thought till the end of the year I still have time to steal you from Kurt. But then at Breadstix you were kind enough to inform me that you want to have sex only with guys you are in love with and since I'm neither the kind of person people can fall in love with nor a rapist it's clear I'll never have the chance to fuck you. So that's it; a dead end with no reward. I can't do anything but turn back and go somewhere else. You're not worth it anymore. I would have ended this friendship myself but you were faster. I just really don't care about anything I don't have a chance to get or win."

Blaine is standing in front of the open fridge but he knows the sudden cold starting to settle under his skin has nothing to do with that.

_This _hurts a lot sharper and stronger than Sebastian saying in Dave's hospital room that he is not attracted to Blaine.

_You're not worth it anymore. I just really don't care about anything I don't have a chance to get or win._

And how _dare_ fucking _Sebastian Smythe_ say Blaine is not worth it anymore, the Sebastian Smythe who doesn't deserve _anyone_, not a relationship, not a friendship; _nothing_.

The only time there was any kind of animosity between Blaine and Sebastian was when they were rivals as students of McKinley and Dalton, as members of New Directions and the Warblers. But it was never _personal, _not really. Not until this.

Blaine's tongue feels like a stone in his mouth. He was surprised Sebastian didn't say anything mean to him in the restroom of Breadstix; didn't try to mock or insult or humiliate him; he just put his phone on the edge of the washbasin so obediently.

But now _Blaine_ has so many things to say yet he can't even remember how to move his tongue; he wants to throw it into Sebastian's face that he was after Blaine for _months_ even though he had _many_ other men available, that they talked _every day_, that Sebastian had bright smiles and honest laughs _for Blaine_.

But maybe Sebastian was just a good actor; maybe he knew Blaine would appreciate those small things and maybe every silly story, every sweet smile, every warm glance was nothing but one step closer to manipulating Blaine into finally putting out for him; one step closer to finally _winning_.

Blaine grabs a cup of yoghurt, realizes it is blackberry only after he closes the fridge door. He isn't the biggest fan of that flavor, but it would be awkward to open the door to find another one and Sebastian would probably laugh at him.

"Do you think the world isn't full of blushing schoolboys with a pretty face and an even prettier ass?" Blaine takes a deep breath, trying to scold his features into showing _nothing_ as he slowly turns his head to look at Sebastian. There is an easy, cheerful smile on Sebastian's face and that's somehow even worse than sneering or glaring with cold anger burning in his eyes. Because it's like Sebastian simply _doesn't care_. Like Sebastian is just amused; like he thinks it's so _cute_ and _entertaining_ that silly, naïve, ridiculous Blaine was _stupid_ enough to think he might _means_ _something_. "Oh, _sorry_, it was _bashful_, right? Well, it _is_. _Au revoir_, Blaine Anderson. Have fun getting more and more bitter, bored and regretful with every long, dull day you spend by Kurt Hummel's side."

He winks at Blaine with a bright grin and Blaine feels anger flare up in his stomach, taking the place of that freezing, heavy shock and sharp hurt and _god_, was this how it felt for Kurt and Santana and Rachel too? Did their palms also itch to slap that cheerfulness tainted with mocking and contempt off Sebastian's horrible, handsome face?

Blaine feels stupid and powerless; what is there he could possibly say or do? The first time Sebastian betrayed him was only Sebastian's fault; but this time was Blaine not the one who broke their friendship? _What was he expecting?_

And then Sebastian is gone.


	7. Chapter 7

**A little bit of ****musing and spoiler so you can skip this if you want to. When I started to write A Yellow Rose Has Eight Meanings I already had the basic outline of the story and I knew there will be quite a lot of angst but even I was a bit surprised how quickly it turned into basically concentrated angst. But things will get brighter in the next chapter – at least when it comes to the Sebastian-Blaine relationship.**

**And while I really am a sucker for angst there is one thing I can say for sure: there will be a happy ending.**

**And thank you everyone reading and reviewing, it's really great to know others are enjoying my writing and are interested! :) Writing this story is a lot of fun for me, even if sometimes I do want to smack certain characters (and will continue to want to do so occasionally).**

* * *

><p>The small, greenish-yellowish bruise just under Sebastian's left nipple is fading a bit slower than expected. It's not a big deal; he wouldn't play lacrosse if shit like this bothered him. It's just rather annoying when a fucking <em>stranger<em> looks at him with tentative pity and asks him gently if it was a parent or a partner. _It was a crosse_, Sebastian sneered and tried to push three fingers into the dude's mouth to shut him up, who jumped back and started to babble about the importance of lube and how spit dries too quickly and for a minute Sebastian _really_ wanted to leave him there already half-hard and clad only in those stupid stripped socks. But the guy still had an _awesome_ ass, his kisses were rather hot and, well, it could have been worse.

He turns away from the mirror and pulls on a bathrobe. He walks into the kitchen – they have a new charwoman now; the house is shining and clean like in a home products commercial. He raises his eyebrows in surprise when he spots the cake sitting on the bottom shelf of the fridge. If the charwoman thinks Sebastian will give her a tip because she baked him a cake she is sadly mistaken.

Sebastian's blood runs cold when he realizes the cake is Tarte Tatin. The charwoman can't know that's his favorite; only his mother and Blaine do. And since he _really_ doubts Blaine would bother to break into his house just to put a cake into his fridge it has to be his mom.

_Oh fuck._

When Sebastian is doing a good enough job pretending to be the son he's expected to be his mother usually doesn't even remember he exists. When Sebastian fucks something up, well… his mother is sickeningly sweet only when she is bored out of her mind, on the rare occasions when she feels guilty or when she is _really_ pissed at his son.

"Heard you have sex in a gay bar _a lot_, Sebastian."

Sebastian almost drops the cake, heart skipping a beat in shock and fear as he quickly turns around, staring at his mom with wide eyes. She is leaning against the wall, ankles crossed and a steaming mug in one hand. There is something in the strained curve of her smile that makes dread and frustration itch under Sebastian's skin.

This isn't exactly the way he wanted to come out to his mother.

"Who told you?" Sebastian knows there is no point denying it. A part of him is actually curious, if not relieved; he has always wondered how his parents would react and sometimes this secret did feel like a heavy burden on his shoulders – the guys at Paris' gay clubs or at Scandals knew about his sexuality, but they didn't know who Sebastian is, New Directions know too, but it doesn't matter to them with two same-sex couples among their ranks and it obviously doesn't bother the Warblers with their collective adoration of Blaine Anderson. But his parents are something different. Something unpredictable.

"The son of my manicurist's cousin. He said he has… first-hand knowledge."

Sebastian can't even begin the guess which one that guy is, but he hopes karma will make him _suffer_. Who talks to the fucking _mother_ of their one night stand about the sex they had? Even if Sebastian said he is older than eighteen it still fucking isn't okay. And he is gay, _what the fuck_, what a way to out him to his goddamned _mom_. Sebastian would make sure himself that the asshole _will_ suffer, but he has the feeling his mom would protect the bastard and there are two people Sebastian doesn't really dare to disobey and go against; his dad and his mom.

"I was expecting something like this." His mother walks to the table and puts the mug down before sitting down.

"Expecting what?" Sebastian asks slowly. His mouth is dry and when he looks down he realizes his fingers are shaking against the plastic box of the cake.

"Expecting you to rebel, to try to get our attention. Drugs, alcohol, smoking, running away, getting a girl pregnant, getting tattoos or piercings, having sex with your teacher, shoplifting, burning containers and breaking windows, stuff like that." Sebastian's mother circles the spoon in her drink three times before continuing. "Or having homosexual sex."

Sebastian doesn't know if he should be relieved or hurt. A part of him is glad his mother isn't freaking out, calling him a freak or telling him to pack his things because she doesn't want to see him ever again (not that there would be a huge difference). But another part of him is, well, pretty pissed. Sebastian isn't gay for the _attention_.

Maybe he should just smile at his mother and tell her she is right, thank her for baking him Tarte Tatin and then they will both probably pretend this conversation didn't happen.

But he can't. Because he may be a liar, but he doesn't lie because he is a _coward_.

"I'm not doing this to get your attention. I lost my virginity when I was fifteen to a man. This was my secret for _years_. Well, at least a secret from you two. Don't you think I would have told you, or at least given you some clues if I wanted you two to know?"

His mom motions with her hand for him to sit down. Sebastian does so, even though he liked standing in front of the fridge better; there was more distance and height difference between them that way.

"I know we… neglect you a little, but this does not mean you are not our son. And being our son means you have the responsibility not to endanger us. If anyone found this out, what do you think would happen to your father's reputation?"

"_You_ have sex with different men every week, why can't I do the same?"

"I'm the trophy wife; a pretty thing whose husband can satisfy her with his money, but not with his dick." For a heartbeat there is the shadow of something bitter and resentful on his mother's face under all the powder and lipstick and Sebastian would probably feel a little sorry for her any other time, but now he is too busy trying to hide how angry and horrified he feels. "Just a glance at him and a glance at me and this is clear to everyone. So it is kind of expected from me. But you are his _son_, his talented, smart, strong son who will follow his lead one day, who will be even better than he is! You can't go around having sex with men in a gay bar! What if someone finds this out and uses this against you?"

"I have a fake ID; I lie about my name and age…" Honestly nobody fucking cares; he is just a college student with a tight ass and a great dick and they all forget about him once they get dressed, unless he also visits them in their wet dreams once or twice after, of course.

"You can never be careful enough. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? You are a rich white boy with a State's attorney of a dad. There are no glass ceilings you have to break through, you are privileged in _every sense_. But if you have a relationship with another man – and it doesn't matter if it's only a one night stand or if he is your goddamned husband – and someone found this out? You could be blackmailed, you could be fired, your reputation could be destroyed and you could lose all your power and influence."

It's not like this is news to Sebastian. He has thought about it a lot, actually. But his mother is _wrong_; what Sebastian is doing is not a big deal, it's not _dangerous_. Neither the guys in Paris nor the men here in Ohio know who his father is and they don't have any _proof _anyway. It's not like he is making a sex tape. Unless those who will want to blackmail him in the future can travel back in time and find the condoms he threw into the wastebaskets of Scandals and get his DNA from his sperm there is absolutely no way they would be able to _prove_ it. And if someone _really_ wanted to accuse him of being gay, well, they would do that even if he was completely straight.

"You can't go there anymore," his mother begins. It's her no-nonsense voice, the one she hardly ever uses but when she does it always makes Sebastian's stomach clench unpleasantly. He wants to sneer something like 'What are you planning to do? A curfew? It's not like you spend time at home' but she continues before he has the chance. "I'm going to tell the owner of that bar, the bartender, the bouncers, I'm going to write it on every wall and every door if I have to. That if they let you in _one more time_ my husband will make sure the bar will be closed for the rest of eternity and they will end up in prison for letting underage people in and giving them alcohol. Maybe today you are mad at me, but believe me this: one day, when you are more mature and you understand the world better than you do now you will thank me, Sebastian."

* * *

><p><em>Did you know that B and S are magical together? Because B is the 2nd letter, S is the 19th letter and if you <em>_subtract B from S you get 17, which is 7 and 10 and both mean perfectness and completeness, because 7 is the number of God and 10 is, well, you know, we are using the decimal __aromatic!_

"Am I supposed to be impressed?" Sebastian laughs, holding the small piece of paper between two fingers – the letters are shiny and rainbow colored, they smell like cherry flavored bubblegum and there is a fucking _unicorn_ drawn under the text. "Your chick doesn't know the difference between something having a fragrance and a branch of mathematic."

"That's not the part that matters," Santana rolls her eyes, the tip of her tongue sticking out as she tries not to smear nail polish on the skin of her toes. "Could you come up with something like this?"

"Sure I could," Sebastian shrugs, because _come on_, why couldn't he? "But I'm too busy to do such utterly pointless things."

"Too busy doing what?" Santana smirks, putting down the nail polish and wiping the skin around her nails with a wad of cotton. "Licking your wounds?"

Sebastian contemplates straightening his leg to tip the bottle of nail polish over, but then he remembers that's Dave's carpet.

"I'm thinking about ways to… regroup," Sebastian explains, not really sure what he is talking about. Oh, he _knows_ he can't give up, he _knows_ he has to try again, but the details are rather fuzzy right now.

"Regroup _what_?" Santana asks incredulously as she carefully examines two bottles of nail polish – to Sebastian they seem to be the exact shade of blue, but maybe women (or perhaps rather fashion-conscious people) are equipped with super sensitive color identifying retinas or some shit like that, who knows? "Your mighty army of blazer clad soldiers who turn against you when they feel like it?"

Sebastian flinches inwardly at that. Outwardly he just smirks at her.

"As long as in the end they accept that I'm their captain and the one who will sing the songs I don't really care about… temporary rebellions."

"You sound like a psychopath," Santana remarks.

"I don't know." Sebastian shifts as he feels his legs starting to fall asleep. "Who exactly was the one who threatened to castrate me with her nail clipper just because I mentioned that I'm not sure her girlfriend is the smartest person in the world?"

"You said she's dumber than a mentally handicapped rock," Santana sneers, holding the brush like a knife and swearing loudly when a drop of nail polish falls onto her pants.

"Hey, don't take it to heart," Sebastian raises his hands in mock-defense. "I was just asking whether she is actually… _not that smart_, or if she is only pretending to be dumb because the whole 'stupid blonde cheerleader' act attracts a lot of guys and girls. And the, um, love letter you gave me didn't exactly give me an answer."

"She _loves_ me and _only_ me, you prick," Santana snaps as she grabs a pillow and slings it at Sebastian. He ducks just in time and it hits the wall behind him. "But what do _you_ know about _love_, you miserable, bitter, _rejected_…" She falls silent as she raises her hand to grab the pillow flying back towards her and quickly continues "… and thrown away _loser_."

"Hey, don't fight, you two!" They both turn their heads toward Dave, who walks into the room carefully balancing two huge plates. "I have cookies and sandwiches and we are going to watch a movie, okay?"

They watch a B category action movie; Sebastian gets bored after the first twenty minutes, but Dave is so engrossed he occasionally actually forgets to chew his cookie and so Sebastian refrains from criticizing it loudly.

"Either the blonde chick in the hot catsuit or the big guy with the lion tattoo will be the spy," Santana says after the third car chase scene.

"Aw, don't spoil it," Dave asks, laughing.

"It's just a guess," Santana shrugs.

"It will be the daughter of the president's secretary," Sebastian whispers into her ear. Dave looks at them with curiously raised eyebrows, but a huge explosion draws his attention back to the movie.

"_Right_," Santana drawls, her lips twisting into a mocking grin. "No fucking way. She is just the stereotypical boring victim; no way would they make her into a villain."

"Wanna bet?" Sebastian smirks.

"Bet on what?" Santana asks, not even bothering to glance at Sebastian; the blonde chick in the hot catsuit is swinging around on a fire stair and the camera pans to her ass and boobs more often than to her enemies.

Sebastian's phone rings.

"Why the fuck would Rachel Berry call me?"

Santana still doesn't look at him.

"Probably has to do with Blaine."

Sebastian contemplates just ignoring her but he knows Rachel is stubborn and annoying enough to go all the way to Dalton if she has to just to try to talk with him.

Sebastian walks into the kitchen and _doesn't_ think about the forlorn look on Blaine's face or how wide his eyes were as he was staring up at Sebastian, confused and wary and _small_.

"Hello, Rachel Berry."

"Who do you think you are, Sebastian?" Rachel practically _screeches_. "You think you can hurt Rachel Barbra Berry's friend? One of her favorite duet partners? Her _Tony_?"

Sebastian pulls the phone away from his ear for a few seconds, feeling the headache already starting to form.

"Well, I don't have any idea what the fuck you are talking about but I do know I accidentally almost _blinded_ him and all you selfish, self-centered, arrogant _friends_ of his – especially his dear boyfriend – did about it was letting me go because trying to defeat me in a show choir competition seemed to be more important than the person who had to have _surgery_ because of me."

Sebastian hopes she feels at least a little ashamed, because only Kurt has as much infuriating righteousness as Rachel and it's just _really_ annoying. Because at least Santana admits she doesn't always play fair, but the awful thing about Kurt and Rachel is that they are just so sure they are _right_ and _justified_ just because they are Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry, even though they can be just as egoistic in their own way as Sebastian is.

"It wasn't like that! And like _you_ have any right to say shit like that!" Rachel shoots back. "Anyway, what happened? You _have_ to apologize to Blaine because if you don't want to… We know who your father is, but do you know who Kurt's dad is? He is a _congressman_! And he would do _anything_ to help and protect his son. What do you think would happen if I told him you wanted to _blind_ his son?"

"I didn't want to _blind_ him; I was aiming at his clothes."

"Well, maybe this won't be what I tell him."

_Damn_. Sebastian is _almost_ impressed. He pours himself a glass of mineral water before sitting down.

"Sucks that dear Mr. Hummel, mechanic of Lima, Ohio – Capital City of Nowhere and Nobody cares – is still a rookie and doesn't know _anything_ about how things _really_ work while my father has been an attorney for _decades_. Experience and connections are what truly matter, Rachel. But at least you tried."

There is silence for so long Sebastian starts to get confused. It's true that his words were not refutable, but Rachel could still say _something_. Or sing. Or scream at him. Or at least end the call.

"Hello, Sebastian." It's Kurt's voice. _Oh, what the fuck?_ "Sorry about that. Rachel and Blaine, they both can be quite, um, rash and hotheaded and occasionally they don't really think stuff through before charging ahead. And by the way, I would _never_ let my father deal with our… disagreements. I have more pride and dignity than to run to daddy when I'm not enough. And I'm usually enough, anyway."

Sebastian's headache now is a dull but persistent throb. _God_, he really fucking hates righteous people; they are too smug for their own good and they are incredibly obnoxious. But at least in the end they hardly ever succeed.

"Your boyfriend stole the part of Tony from you, the dumbest girl in the whole school stole the senior class presidency from you and you had to worry for _months_ about your boyfriend potentially straying because he cared more about spending time with me than making sure you don't feel insecure. And do you honestly believe you will get into NYADA just because of your talent? Or that New Directions could ever win Nationals? The truth is; you are not enough, Kurt."

"Okay, first of all, neither Blaine nor Brittany stole anything from me. They tried to get it, I also tried to get it, they won and I lost; that's all. No one can win everything." Sebastian wants to remind Kurt _he_ didn't win anything, but the thing is, New Directions have the first place trophy and Kurt himself has Blaine and Sebastian has… nothing, basically. "And Blaine has the right to be friends with others, even other gay guys who want him, even if it did make me a bit uncomfortable at first. But I trust him and believe in his love for me. Actually, you know what? Thank you, Sebastian. The whole fiasco with you only made our relationship stronger." Sebastian buries his face into his hands because there is such a thing as second hand embarrassment becoming actually painful. _Holy shit_ Kurt is an _idiot_. Or maybe he doesn't actually believe all that bullshit – no, it did not fucking make their relationship stronger; it made Kurt feel like shit, like he is not enough, made him think he doesn't have something Sebastian has and this is why Blaine spends so much time with Sebastian –, but said it just to hurt and humiliate Sebastian.

It doesn't work.

(It does. A little bit.)

"Oh, and I _will_ get into NYADA and we _will_ win Nationals," Kurt continues, but there is just the tiniest bit of uncertainty in his tone.

"So why did Rachel call me? She wasn't very clear."

"Blaine is… kind of pissed at you." Kurt sighs, long and overdramatic. "You know, punching the bag, occasionally muttering your name and things like 'was my friend' and 'can't believe I thought he would…' between all the huffing and puffing. Rachel doesn't know it was Blaine who ended the friendship but he told _me_ – even though, _god_, he was _so_ confusing, like it was so clear he was hiding something and I just really hate his mixed signals… Like 'He doesn't mean _anything_ to me, oops, sorry, I promised to call him back around eight but just half an hour and then I'll call you back and I love you very much, okay?' and then I got a text after _midnight_ that he is sorry, he can talk with me tomorrow in the school, Sebastian goes to Dalton, I have to understand, 'he was talking about all sort of _super interesting_ and _so witty_ things, Kurt'."

_Hah._ So much for Sebastian making their relationship stronger.

"Whatever. I don't know who is to blame – probably both of you, because I know Blaine well enough to understand that he can be a bit, well, misguided, stubborn and even inconsiderate sometimes, and you are, well, _you_ –, but in the end it doesn't matter." Sebastian honestly didn't expect Kurt to, even if not be on his side (why would _anyone_ be on Sebastian's side?), at least admit that Blaine can be less than perfect sometimes. Looks like Kurt's desperate, needy teenager love couldn't _completely_ cloud his judgment. Sebastian also wonders what Blaine told Kurt why he ended his friendship with Sebastian – _I don't like friends who care about other people too, not just me? I don't like guys interested in me who are also interested in other men? I don't like whores?_ –, but he doesn't ask. Kurt would just use this as an opportunity to mock Sebastian. "Hey, are things okay?"

Sebastian thinks about the small, awkward smile Dave gives him as a greeting, like he still doesn't exactly know what to expect from him. Remembers the first time he knocked on Dave's door; Dave had a five o'clock shadow and there was a big enough to be noticeable hole in his shirt just under his collarbone and he practically _apologized_ to Sebastian for not looking sharp – _Sorry, I had no idea you would come, I know I look, um… _–, like he was afraid Sebastian would insult his appearance if he doesn't explain himself. Thinks about Dave talking about past vacations, showing Sebastian hundreds of photos, explaining _everything_. Most of time Sebastian is mostly pretty bored, but sometimes Dave's grin is very bright – _I want to go there again, last time the castle was under construction but surely five years was enough for them, right? _– and just seeing Dave _happy_ like that is worth all the boredom.

He thinks that Dave _cares_; about what others think of him, about his past and about his future, about all the amazing things life has given him and will surely continue to give him, has plans and hopes and _everything_.

And if someone cares about life, well… that means they don't want to lose it, right?

"Dave is… I think he is okay."

Which isn't very comforting, Sebastian knows. He wishes he could explain it all better, but he isn't _completely_ sure and he knows only that would be able to truly reassure Kurt.

"To be honest I'm not sure it's the smartest idea that you and Santana are his friends," Kurt begins. "I mean you two can be… _really awful_. I don't even think you _always_ want to actually hurt others – just most of the time –, but I feel like your whole ruthless, manipulative bitch shtick is such an integral part of you that it's very difficult to act any different. I think Santana is a lot better, because she had time to learn how to be nice with her girlfriend and her friends, but you don't have anything like that, do you?"

Sebastian really doesn't have anything like that.

(_Not anymore._)

He smiles bitterly into his glass.

"But you know," Kurt continues, his voice a bit kinder now, like he is trying to apologize or comfort Sebastian or something like that, which is absolutely ridiculous – there is nothing to apologize for and there is no need for _comfort_, especially not from _Kurt_. "You three are similar in some ways. David told me he doesn't want to tell _you_ most things and I'm not going to betray him, but Santana was violently outed just like him, but she had support, like her friends and even though her grandmother didn't accept her at least her parents did and at first she was kind of rejected just like you and… damn, I can't say anything without telling it all and I promised him I won't. You know what, never mind."

"Aren't you two close friends?" Sebastian pours himself more water. There are just too many holes in Dave Karofsky's story – Dave told him he wants to focus on the future; that he did a lot of shitty things in the past but he is a different person now and Sebastian didn't dare to pester him with questions. Sebastian is also totally in the dark about the whole Dave-Kurt thing and he _loathes_ being in the dark.

"Who told you this?" Kurt asks, his voice quiet and small.

"Nobody," Sebastian shrugs, thinking back. "I just thought… you were the only one he tried to call, right? And you talked that night at Scandals and I glanced at you two only once or twice so I may be wrong but I had the impression you two were really close friends."

Kurt ends the call.

Sebastian stares at his phone in confusion.

"You bitch," Santana greets him, glaring down at him from the door. Sebastian waves at her, watching her as she walks to the fridge. "You saw that movie before, didn't you? Or at least read the synopsis."

Sebastian grins. Maybe she is smart enough for both herself _and_ her girlfriend.

"Bring me a cup of yoghurt." Sebastian swirls the water in his glass once before glancing at Santana. He waits for her to tell him he should get his lazy ass to the fridge himself, but instead she simply walks to the table and puts the cup in front of Sebastian before sitting down opposite him and biting into an apple.

He gets a text just before he could reach for his yoghurt.

**From: Kurt Hummel**

_Sorry. Blaine asked me to help him with packing away the things in the gym so I had to go. Thank you for being there for David. Try not to hurt him, okay?_

Which is most likely just a convenient excuse for ending the call, but whatever, Sebastian lies all the time when it's handy, he won't call Kurt out on it.

**To: Kurt Hummel**

_I'll try my best._

"But I hate pineapple," Sebastian says after he puts his phone away and actually looks at the yoghurt.

"Yeah, I know. Blaine told me." Santana reaches for his glass and Sebastian stiffens instinctively. "Aw, how cute," Santana coos, voice mocking as she raises the glass to her lips. "What are you afraid of? A glass of cold water or the name of your friend? Sorry, _ex-friend_."

Sebastian doesn't say anything. He feels vaguely cold, even though he knows the windows are all closed.

He thinks about how even though maybe he has the more privileged position in society, the richer family and the more influential dad she has true friends who would never betray her and who don't insult her and think she is the one to blame for everything that goes wrong, accepting parents and someone she is in love with and who returns her love.

And for maybe the first time in his life Sebastian starts to wonder; is he truly the one who is luckier?

* * *

><p>Sebastian tries to be nice to the Warblers; he wants to be their leader next year too, after all. So he reads the poems Jeff recommends him and doesn't criticize them <em>too<em> harshly, sometimes goes to Trent's golf afternoons and David's movie nights, tries to talk Nick out of having a quite undignified panic attack before a date when no one else is there to do it.

"_Glad You Came?_ Homoerotic subtext galore. '_Hand you another drink, drink it if you can_' and '_I can make, make you glad you came_'. What do you think that means?"

"_Oh my god_, is that part about oral sex? I thought that was about… giving someone a drink at a party or something like that. I feel like an idiot now. But girls can, um, fellate and come too, that's not necessarily homoerotic. It's just… erotic."

"Yeah, but who do you think Sebastian was singing to?"

"Everyone in the audience?"

"Dude, _come on_…"

"Why do some of you guys think he is in love with Blaine? Like I know they are both gay and they are friends or maybe just were because god only knows what the fuck is going on with those two, but this doesn't mean Sebastian loves him… And isn't Kurt still in the picture?"

"And why exactly do you think he wanted to slushie _Kurt_?"

And the implications of _that_ are so ridiculous Sebastian can no longer pretend he isn't eavesdropping. He turns around and slams his hands down the two Warblers' table hard enough to make them both flinch but without drawing the teacher's attention to them.

"Because I knew it would be the easiest to convince you all if I said Kurt. You still adore Blaine and don't know the others well, but you are jealous of Kurt for being the only one who got to duet with Blaine and because Blaine wanted him more than staying with us so you all feel resentment towards him." Sebastian lets himself bask in the ashamed, defeated expressions of the two boys, fighting the urge to curl his lips into a satisfied smirk because he can't behave _too much_ like a sociopath or whatever if he wants to be their leader next year too. And then he remembers to add: "And I don't _love_ him, fucking hell where did that come from? No, do not even try to answer. I don't care."

So when Blaine appears at Dalton and announces that he will spill the beans to the Warblers about their captain's blackmail attempt if Sebastian refuses to talk with him the _only_ reason Sebastian agrees is that, well, he wants to be their leader next year too.

"Actually they all know," Sebastian tries at first, but he has the feeling Blaine will see through the lie. He knows the Warblers better than Sebastian, after all.

"No, they don't," Blaine says, absolutely no hint of doubt in his voice.

"They agreed to slushie Kurt," Sebastian reminds him.

"They don't think things through and if someone comes up with an interesting idea they all agree to do it because why not? Especially if that someone is their de facto, or, well, officially established leader." Blaine gives Sebastian a cold, disapproving look, as if Sebastian refusing to pretend that that silly council is worth anything is something he should feel ashamed about. He isn't completely sure how it worked when Blaine was still at Dalton, but since Blaine was basically the only one who got to sing and who decided what songs he gets to sing the council probably had the power to, like, decide whether they should buy red or blue napkins. "It should have been fun! It was supposed to be super cool. Parking lot, rivalry, secret meeting, slushie, Michael Jackson, all really badass, right? Until… well, we all know what happened. But they wouldn't agree to use _blackmail_. They consider themselves to be too, um, gentlemanly to do something like that."

Blaine really does know the Warblers, Sebastian thinks. And as he watches Blaine walk down the corridor of Dalton, steps brisk and confident and pretty lips tugged into a fond smile every time he sees a familiar painting or peeks into a classroom it hits Sebastian again; how amazing they could be together, co-captains and duettist of the Warblers and yeah, they would argue and bicker _so_ much and they are both awfully stubborn, but…

Then he remembers they are no longer friends.

"So why exactly did you blackmail me into talking with you? Be quick, I don't want to waste too much time."

Blaine opens his mouth, probably wanting to argue that he isn't _blackmailing_ Sebastian, but instead he grabs Sebastian's wrists without warning, tightening his grip when Sebastian's first instinct is to try to pull away. Sebastian is too confused to fight after that, his breath caught in his throat as Blaine stares up at him, eyes sparkling like jewels, rosy lips fallen open and that fucking demure blush painted across his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," Blaine starts, just the smallest hint of desperation creeping into his quiet, almost whispering tone. He breaks eye contact with Sebastian just a few moments before Sebastian would have turned his head away. It's not that he can't win a staring contest; he is pretty sure not even Kurt's smug expression or Santana's mocking glare could make him look away first; no one but his parents and Blaine when he is staring up at him like this; seemingly honest and heartbreakingly pretty and fucking _apologizing_ to Sebastian and confusing the fuck out of him. "You know, sometimes I… when something bad happens I focus only on myself at first, how it feels for me and it's only later when I remember to think about what it means for the others, try to understand how they feel."

Sebastian is pretty sure most people are like that; who cares about others before themselves? That your own happiness and success matters more than others is not one of the seven deadly sins; it's self-preservation. You won't get anywhere if you put others before you. It's that simple.

"I let you think something that isn't true," Blaine continues just as quietly as before, taking a deep breath. "I do not think you are disgusting. I… yeah, well, I would never have sex with a stranger but this doesn't mean I think it's _wrong_. If it is, you know, consensual and you use condoms, well, what is wrong with it then?"

It's not like Sebastian cried himself into sleep because Blaine thinks he is a dirty slut. He is used to people disliking, sometimes outright loathing and looking down on him and he doesn't give a fuck what others think about him. It just wasn't _fair _that Blaine would end their friendship because of something like that. Losing someone's friendship because you are a manipulative, disrespectful asshole and you almost blinded them isn't very great, but losing it because of something as utterly insignificant as having one night stands is a lot worse.

"Then why the whole platonic break-up thing?" Sebastian asks, both curious and wary of the answer.

Blaine lets go of his wrists quickly. Sebastian tries not to feel disappointed.

"I can't tell you," Blaine mutters, looking down. He looks… guilty? _God_, Sebastian fucking _hates_ this, that he doesn't understand _anything_; what is going on with Dave and Kurt and with Blaine and at least whatever is with Dave and Kurt isn't exactly Sebastian's business but isn't _this_ about Sebastian just as much as it is about Blaine? "Sorry."

"What happened to 'We should be mature and talk about our misunderstandings'? I can't accept your apology if I don't even know what is going on," Sebastian explains, his voice somehow becoming gentle without his permission. He should be _pissed_, he should be mean, he should insult and laugh at Blaine – he thinks he did a fairly good job in Dave's kitchen, if Blaine's stricken expression was any indication –, but there is _something_ about the Blaine in front of him now… maybe that he looks so fucking _tiny_ and cute or it's perhaps those pretty eyes filled with uncertainty or the unhappy curve of his lips, but hurting Blaine in any way right now would be like kicking a goddamned puppy and Sebastian may be a certificated son of a bitch but not even he is despicable enough to kick puppies, literally or in the metaphorical sense.

"You didn't mean all those things, did you?" Blaine glances up at Sebastian before deciding he would rather examine the painting of an old dude on the wall. "Not _everything_, right? I… I don't know! Do you have any idea how frustrating this is? I'm lying in my bed and I go from 'He only knows how to feel with his dick and his ego' to 'I must mean _something_ to him' and then from 'He probably said all that because he felt like he had to, because he wanted to protect himself in his own horrible way, because he thinks I used him and that made him feel like shit' to 'Yeah, well, he wasn't lying this time, the truth is he thinks I am pretty boring and ordinary, just like all the other boys'."

Sebastian stares down at Blaine, guarded and unimpressed. It's not like he doesn't revel in the idea of Blaine caring so much about Sebastian's opinion that he can't sleep, it's not like knowing that Blaine punched the shit out of the bag because Sebastian's words felt so close to the bone doesn't make Sebastian want to grin. But…

"Ah, I get it now," Sebastian laughs and he knows it is awfully rich coming from him, but he doesn't care. "I was confused for a moment why you would try to apologize to me, but _this_ is why you are _truly_ here. This is about you, not about me."

Blaine looks taken aback before he crosses his arms in front of his chest.

"What a way to miss the point," he mutters.

"I really don't think I missed the point," Sebastian shrugs, not giving _any_ fuck about the way Blaine's lower lip quivers, about the sullen pout that is just begging to be kissed into a smile. He isn't sure Blaine is doing this on purpose or maybe he honestly doesn't have any idea, but it's the kind of pout that could make a lesser man crumble and promise Blaine he will spend the rest of his life making sure Blaine will never pout like that again. The kind of pout that could make a lesser man wake up at five o'clock to make pancakes with strawberry or apricot or whatever jam (except blackberry because Blaine dislikes that flavor) for him. The kind of pout that could make a lesser man agree to let Blaine tie his wrists to the headboard even though he _really_ isn't sure he likes the idea of being vulnerable like that. The kind of pout that could make a lesser man tell his mother he doesn't give a fuck what she thinks is the best for him because maybe _this boy_ would be worth…

Okay, that's enough.

"Well, I have to go to lacrosse practice now."

"You don't have practice today till half six."

Sebastian smirks. "It was my way of trying to show you I don't even care enough about you to try to come up with a believable excuse."

Blaine flinches at that, but then he just rolls his eyes at Sebastian, his teeth worrying his lower lip in frustration.

But Sebastian doesn't care about Blaine's apology when he doesn't even understand _why_ Blaine is apologizing. And he can't believe Blaine doesn't have enough common sense to at least come up with a lie if he can't tell Sebastian the truth. For example that he can't be Sebastian's friend anymore because Kurt is a controlling boyfriend, Rachel doesn't want her friend to associate with terrorists, Santana is, well, _Santana_ or maybe his parents don't want their son to be the friend of the asshole who almost blinded him. _Anything._

"You seem to be unhappier now than when we first met, Sebastian."

Sebastian doesn't know what to say to that.

It's not like there are absolutely no pitying, worried looks aimed at him; more often than not he _is_ the kind of little piece of shit everybody dislikes too much to bother to care about him but Sebastian knows the cracks in his masks are occasionally too noticeable, especially nowadays. He knows he looks young enough that some of the older men at Scandals feel a bit guilty about debauching him or whatever they are delusional enough to think, even if Sebastian is the one who pulls their zipper down and pushes them against the wall before pressing their groins together. He knows that a gay boy trying to kill himself means that people are going to be worried about _every_ gay teenager, even if they don't actually know what to say or do. Even fucking _Kurt_ and _Santana_ had those annoying flashes of sympathy in their eyes among all the snarling at him.

But nobody tells him he seems to be _unhappy_.

Well, except for Blaine.

"I'm not unhappy." Suddenly Sebastian feels a little ashamed of himself for accusing Blaine of coming here only because of himself. "I'm just… frustrated, you know? Losing Regionals, Dave's suicide attempt, not getting you, Santana's shenanigan at Breadstix; it's all a little too much too suddenly." He wants to mention his mother too, but he doesn't want Blaine to worry even more. Sebastian hated that he couldn't talk to _anyone_; he couldn't call Blaine, who would have been his first (and only) choice _before_, he didn't dare to tell Dave and he doesn't trust Kurt or Santana enough. And anyway, what could anyone say? 'But there are gay politicians nowadays, it's not such a big deal anymore, you can totally be a gay attorney!' or 'Well, you are pretty talented and smart and you play lacrosse, you could be a singer or a sportsman or a teacher, being an attorney is overrated anyway!'? As if those useless words could make anything easier. "Maybe I have been too haughty for too long and karma decided to smack me around a bit?" He means it as a joke, even though he knows he deserves everything. But it fails to lighten the mood; Blaine still looks at him with those big, concerned eyes that make Sebastian feel warm yet also make him rather uncomfortable. "But I can take care of myself."

If possible, Blaine looks even more doubtful at that, which is actually kind of insulting; Sebastian is not some fragile little flower. "I got over you, okay? I told you, it wasn't really about _you _anyway. If you want to love Kurt then love him, if you want to be his boyfriend then be his boyfriend. I'm okay with that. And if it is about you feeling guilty about the whole 'I am his only friend' thing, well, you are not. Not anymore."

Sebastian doesn't want Blaine to be worried for him. He wants Blaine to leave him alone; it's just _so_ frustrating; not knowing what Blaine thinks, feels or wants, knowing only that Blaine would never give Sebastian what Sebastian wants from him.

"I know you can take care of yourself." Blaine smiles at him, tentative and small and filled to the brim with a sadness that doesn't make any sense; that Blaine would be sad for _Sebastian_ of all people. He reaches out to put his hand on Sebastian's shoulder but Sebastian steps back quickly and Blaine laughs awkwardly as his arm falls to his side. "Right, sorry. I'm glad you and Dave are great friends now. I guess I… I'm going then. I don't want to waste any more of your time."


	8. Chapter 8

**From: Kurt Hummel**

_Just woke up from another nightmare. It's 03:48. No beauty sleep tonight. I know you are sleeping now but I have to talk to someone even if I know you won't answer._

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_Maybe David doesn't want my friendship because he is afraid I would abandon him again?_

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_I just didn't want to hurt him, you know? That's why I didn't pick my phone up. I just wanted to make sure I won't break his heart. And look what happened. I almost killed him. I know you and everyone else would say I didn't almost kill him, but maybe I did. It's called 'Negligent homicide'.  
><em>

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_I just thought that it wouldn't be fair to, you know, give him false hopes? Because maybe he would think he has a chance to be my boyfriend one day if I continue to be his friend._

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_I mean I knew he wasn't actually in love with me, but at that time I thought that maybe he was able to convince himself somehow that he is or something, and that can hurt just as much as real love, right? Rejection, hoping in vain…_

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_And having to spend time with the boy he thinks he is in love with and who doesn't love him back and has a boyfriend, that's horrible. I know. I was in a love once that wasn't returned._

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_And it's not because you are my boyfriend, okay? Even if I was single I wouldn't have wanted to go out with him. Too much history._

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_But the thing is, he needed my support and friendship more than he wanted my love._

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_And really, in the end that's all there is to it._

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_I should have been there for him as a friend. Because what does it matter that maybe he has feelings for me? What does it matter that __maybe__ it makes me feel guilty for leading him on? What does it matter that maybe it makes you a little jealous? (Sorry.) We gay teenagers can't afford to abandon each other in this horrible place._

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_It was so selfish of me to think I know better what is good for him than he does._

**From: Kurt Hummel  
><strong>

_Isn't it funny? That he made me so happy for a whole week and that's how I thanked him._

* * *

><p>"Dude, what is with the huge, thick dildo with the spikes on your table?"<p>

At first Blaine is pretty sure he didn't hear it right. But then Dave snorts and shakes his head in amusement before he glances at Blaine, his grin mischievous and before Blaine can ask _what the fuck?_ Dave cries back:

"You were talking on the phone yesterday about wanting to try it out, so I bought one for you! Bring it down and I'll tell you how it works, okay?"

Blaine stares at Dave dumbfounded, whose shoulders shake with silent laughter.

_Oh god._

It can't be… Dave isn't ready to have a boyfriend and Sebastian isn't attracted to him…

_But_… Dave tried to kill himself because he was outed, not because he is gay. Dave was comfortable enough with his sexuality to go to a gay bar, to tell Kurt he loves him; can't he be comfortable enough to have sex with another boy? And would Sebastian not pretend to want him, if he thought that would somehow lessen the likelihood of Dave trying to commit suicide again? What is yet another man on his already way too long list of lovers, after all?

"It was a joke," Dave says. "Stop freaking out."

"I'm _not_ freaking out," Blaine protests quickly, even though he knows it is written on his face that he is doing exactly that.

He hears the quick footsteps and takes a calming breath that doesn't actually calm him at all before he turns to look at Sebastian. There is a rather phallic looking cactus in a brick-red pot in Sebastian's hands.

_Oh_, Blaine thinks, annoyed and relieved. _How witty_.

Sebastian's eyebrows twitch in surprise when he realizes Blaine is there, but he doesn't say anything. Blaine offers him an unsure smile, his fingers trembling; maybe he should wave at Sebastian, but it would be embarrassing if Sebastian didn't wave back. So his hands remain on his knees.

"How much was this?" Sebastian asks.

"Why does that matter?" Dave's bright smile wanes just the slightest bit.

"Anything that costs more than fifty dollar is not okay to give _anyone_ if you don't want them to feel like they own you something. But _I _don't accept anything for free."

"Well, you gave me that bouquet in the hospital. So here I'm giving you a cactus. It's called barter." Dave starts to enthusiastically gesticulate with his hands. "It has flowers. Tiny ones like _this_, bigger ones like _this_. They will bloom one day, if you take care of it. You have to water it two or three times a month, depending on how, well, healthy it looks. And put it on a window sill or somewhere where it can get lots of sunshine. That's all."

Sebastian glances down at the cactus, tilting his head as his lips curl into a skeptical pout.

"Sit down." Dave gives Blaine the bowl of popcorn sitting in the middle of the table, takes the pot out of Sebastian's hands and puts it down carefully. Sebastian hesitates only for a moment before he flops down, as far from Blaine as possible. "You are like a cactus, did you know?"

Sebastian glares at Dave. Blaine doesn't see a lot of similarities either and to be honest he would be also quite offended if someone said he is like a _cactus_. "Because at first you were dangerous, ugly and you hurt everyone you met…"

"I'm not _ugly_," Sebastian objects, apparently finding only that one insulting enough to speak against, glowering at Dave even more. Blaine swallows a giggle.

Dave looks like he wants to laugh too, but instead he just smiles, a bit awkward but also amused, and looks down at the cactus with a thoughtful expression.

"Not literally. Your, you know, personality. And I was talking in past tense. Because you are… better now. And I know it's because of what happened to me, but not _just_ because of that, right? That was just the final reason, wasn't it? So now you have, um, flowers. _God,_ I know that sounds really ridiculous, but bear with me, okay? It will make sense. I think. So, flowers. Because there was someone who took their time to help and care about you even if your spikes made them bleed sometimes when they touched you. In a metaphorical sense, before you make an innuendo. And so you bloomed for them… became a better person because of them. I know it sounds cheesy and stupid, but it's true, okay? I know what I am talking about. So… you should take this cactus and take care of it."

Blaine had no idea it's possible to feel like being slapped _and_ being filled head to toe with the kind of joy that's so intense it actually makes his heart ache.

But it doesn't make sense that _Dave_ would know… there is no way Sebastian would talk to him about his friendship with Blaine and Blaine himself never mentioned it either.

It must have been Santana. Because she is Dave's friend now and Blaine did babble for like an hour about how Sebastian isn't actually _that_ bad so she should _please_ try not to rip him a new one (of course she wasn't listening). About how Sebastian was actually a great friend when he wasn't backstabbing Blaine; he helped him and listened to him and talked to him and cared about Blaine's opinion. He did make Blaine happy occasionally, even though, yeah, there were times when Blaine wanted nothing but to go back in time, walk to the Sebastian sitting on the table or whatever he was sitting on when they first met, punch that handsome face and tell the fucking bastard that he should just go to hell and never come back.

"I don't want it."

Sebastian's tone and expression is, unsurprisingly, completely unreadable.

Dave's face falls, but it lasts for only a few moments. Then he is nodding and smiling, a little strained, a little annoyed but still very understanding.

"Well, I… I'm going for a walk now, if you want to come with me…"

Blaine shakes his head with a small smile. He feels a little guilty for not going with Dave, but he came here to talk with Sebastian.

They both glance at Sebastian, who is sprawled on the couch now, one hand resting on his stomach.

"Bas, did you hear me?" Dave asks. Blaine flinches because _Bas_? Where the fuck did _that_ come from?

Sebastian raises his hand to make a dismissive motion – his shirt rides up, revealing a glimpse of smooth, pale skin and Blaine's heart _definitely_ doesn't skip a beat.

"So it's 'Bas' now, huh?" Blaine starts after Dave is gone, shifting on the couch for a minute before realizing the reason he feels so uncomfortable has nothing to do with the way he is sitting. "That was quick."

"You sound jealous," Sebastian remarks dryly.

"Maybe I am!" Blaine snaps.

Sebastian turns his head towards him at that, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"Well, you… you don't want to be my friend because now you have Dave, you talked to him about wanting to buy a cactus, you are comfortable enough to joke about fucking _dildos_ with him and he calls you 'Bas'."

Sebastian opens his mouth, closes it and Blaine would feel proud of himself for being one of the very few people able to render Sebastian Smythe speechless, but then Sebastian grabs a pillow and it hits Blaine square in the face before falling into his lap.

"What was that for?" Blaine splutters, raising his arm to throw the pillow back at Sebastian.

"Do you fucking listen to yourself? _I_ don't want to be _your_ friend? Who was the one who threw me away and didn't even have the fucking guts to tell me _why_? So you don't want me to have sex with other men even though you refuse to have sex with me _and_ you don't want me to be someone else's friend even though you ended _our_ friendship? Were you not the one who said I should be your friend because I don't have any other friend? But you would rather I don't have any friend at all if that one friend is not you. Even though Dave tried to _commit suicide _and that's why he needs my friendship."

The pillow falls from Blaine's hand. He feels nauseated suddenly.

"It's not like that," Blaine starts, his voice so weak he can't help but cringe. He doesn't know how to deal with this; doesn't know how to deal with _Sebastian_. "I went to Dalton and you pushed me away and I thought I'm no longer wanted. It's not that I don't want you to have friends. Have friends, as many as possible. Be friends with Dave, god knows he needs it." Blaine takes a deep breath, feels it rush into his lungs and he still feels dizzy and sick to his stomach as he thinks: _this is it, I can't fail now. I can't run away this time_. "But let me be one of them."

"Did you lose a bet with Santana? With Kurt? And so you have to make fun of me now?"

"I mean it!" Blaine shouts, jumping up and almost tripping over the pillow on the floor.

Sebastian's crooked grin is filled with so much contempt and disbelief Blaine wants to give it up for a moment, wants to run away _again_, but he steels himself.

"Then why did you want to end our friendship? You can't expect me to believe you or accept your apology if I don't even know _why_…"

"I jerked off listening to you talking about having sex with guys on the phone!"

The words rush out of Blaine's mouth without his permission, harsh and angry and horrified. He raises his hand to his mouth, eyes wide and terrified and he has to sit back because he feels like he would collapse to the floor otherwise.

Blaine kind of thought about telling Sebastian; he understands that if they continue to lie to each other they will never be able to truly be friends.

And fuck if he wasn't also rather curious how Sebastian would react.

But now that the truth is actually out of his mouth Blaine starts to think this was maybe his stupidest idea ever.

Stupider than trying to woo Jeremiah like that. And that's _really_ saying something.

"Come here." Sebastian sits up with his back straight and legs spread and one arm stretched out for Blaine. Blaine walks to him, slow and clumsy. Sebastian's fingers are warm and sure around his hand and his smile is small and pretty and unreadable. Before Blaine can even think about stopping him – or maybe rather before he can decide whether he wants to stop Sebastian or not – he is standing between Sebastian's legs, Sebastian's fingers curled around his neck, tugging him gently down, just a little. In the back of his mind Blaine hazily thinks that maybe this isn't a very appropriate position, but the elegant scent of Sebastian's cologne and the greenness of his eyes make Blaine too dizzy to do anything. "You are a cutie, Blaine. But you are also an even bigger idiot than I thought if you think I would believe something like this."

"Why the fuck would I _lie_?"

Blaine expected many things – a mocking comment or a joyous laugh or a victorious grin or a sleazy wink –, but to be accused of _lying_ wasn't one of them.

"I would have heard you." Sebastian's tone is a little softer now; less accusing and taunting and more… thoughtful, maybe. _Curious_.

"I can be silent and the phone often distorts sounds," Blaine mumbles. Now that it seems like Sebastian is beginning to consider trying to believe him the reality of the situation _really_ hits Blaine; he just admitted he had an orgasm because of Sebastian.

"I wasn't even trying to be seducing. I was _complaining_. I know your boyfriend isn't exactly the most professional lover ever and you are a teenager boy but not even you can be desperate enough to masturbate while I _criticize_…"

"Oh, shut up!" Blaine's hand is still in Sebastian's grip and he starts to feel uncomfortable standing there with his back bent like that, but Sebastian's hand feels… kind of great in his and when they are so close he can clearly see the freckles on Sebastian's cheeks. "Are _you_ pretending to be _humble_ now, Sebastian Smythe? Are you underestimating your… well… are you underestimating yourself?"

And then Sebastian is letting go of him, falling back against the couch, _laughing_ loud and unrestrained and nothing like Blaine ever had the chance to hear before. Sebastian did laugh sometimes, but never like this; almost hysterical and with his whole body – head thrown back, shoulders and knees shaking and fingers trembling against the couch.

"Why don't you believe me?" Blaine shouts, throwing his arms up in frustration. He takes a step back and hisses when the back of his knee hits the edge of the table. "Did _you_ not lie to me and betray our friendship, Sebastian? You almost _blinded_ me! And you did it all because winning a competition was more important to you than I or anyone else was! And _still_ I forgave you! _Still_ I gave you a second chance!"

"_Oh god_, why do you even want my friendship _this_ much?" Sebastian's voice is still a little wrecked with laughter.

_Because I'm worried about you. Because I'm so pissed at you and frustrated with you because you matter to me. Because_ _we gay teenagers can't afford to abandon each other in this horrible place. Because maybe, perhaps, possibly you need me more than you want to screw me. Because it was selfish of me to care only about what might happens to my relationship with Kurt and not what will happen to my friendship with you. Because I want to go to sleep listening to your voice. Because I want to _understand_ you, because I'm curious who you _truly_ are, every awful part and every lovely part; I want you to let me see them all. Because ever since we met all you wanted was that I desire you, you succeeded and then I decided to end it all because I can't control my goddamned dick. Or, well, hand. Because I want to see you smile at me and talk with me and laugh with me, laugh _at_ me, if you have to, but don't do that too often, and write me e-mails about inane stuff and send me obnoxious videos._

"Because I miss it," Blaine shrugs, as if it was that simple, that easy. He offers Sebastian a tentative smile. "A lot more than I thought I would. Believe me? Trust me? Or at least _try_ to trust me? I'm trying too, and do you know how difficult it is to trust _you_?"

Sebastian blinks up at him, his expression suddenly losing any trace of amusement. His smile is half-bitter, half-sad, his eyes tired and the slope of his shoulders screams exhaustion.

_Maybe I have been too haughty for too long and karma decided to smack me around a bit?_

No fucking way can this boy be truly happy.

"Okay," Sebastian begins, licking his lips. "So we had… phone sex, basically, and I had no idea. This made you feel guilty because you have a boyfriend? And you thought it would be better if we never talked again? And you are such a coward you couldn't tell this to me."

"And _you_ are such a coward you couldn't apologize after almost _blinding_ me! Yes, what I did was wrong but you are not any better. _I_ never wanted to hurt anyone! _You_ hurt me but _I _just wanted to avoid hurting you!"

"_Wait, what?_" Sebastian's lips twist into a confused smile. "Avoid _hurting_ me?"

"Well, don't you feel betrayed? Used? Degraded? Like you were taken advantage of?"

Sebastian raises his arm, opens his mouth and then shakes his head, disbelief written all over his expression.

"_Why_? People masturbate thinking about others _all the fucking time_. So… you did something everybody does. _Wow_, you are _awful_. What do you think the guys at Scandals think about me? That I know what to say about the current political climate? I mean I do, sure, but… you know what I mean. I'm _sexy_. There is nothing wrong with someone getting off thinking about me. Like seriously, what is your problem? That instead of doing it in the shower you did it while talking to me?"

Blaine laughs, because he doesn't know what else to do as relief crashes into him. He feels like an idiot, sure, but he also feels a lot lighter.

"Well, I'm sorry, okay? Can't we just forget about it?"

"Fuck no," Sebastian grins, cheeky and bright and Blaine would be happy to see him finally honestly joyous, but he just _knows_ that that grin promises _horrible things_. "You got to _slap_ me because of my bullshit and I can't even tease you now?"

"You totally deserved that slap!"

"I did," Sebastian shrugs, still grinning and his eyes are fucking _sparkling_. "I also deserve to know _everything_ after you deceived me and kept me in the dark like that!"

"What do you want know?" Blaine asks, desperate to end this whole thing.

He should have lied. _Anything_ would have been better than the truth.

Sebastian's grin widens, mischievous with just the hint of something _more_.

"Well, let's start with the end." Sebastian reaches for his wrist, curls his fingers around it again. It's something so many people have done before – his mother when he was younger and she didn't want to lose him in a crowd, Cooper when he wanted to show something cool to him and he didn't think his baby brother is smart enough to be able to follow him if he doesn't take hold of his arm, his friends too, sometimes during performances, sometimes just because. Blaine himself did this to Sebastian when he went to Dalton, just to make sure his attention is on Blaine.

It's truly something completely innocent. Or, rather, it _should_ be completely innocent. But _nothing_ is innocent when it comes to Sebastian. And Blaine feels himself flush as desire flares up in his stomach when Sebastian's thumb starts to caress his skin, slow and teasing, and his voice dips lower. "What were you thinking about when you came?"

"You," Blaine gasps out, feeling his knees go weak.

"Of course," Sebastian drawls, his tone making Blaine shiver and Sebastian's grin widens even more. "I'm curious about the _details_."

"About my… um, cock… in your mouth." Blaine's mouth goes dry. His whole body feels feverish and _fuck_, it's just Sebastian's long fingers holding him tight and secure, just the smugness and lust in the curve of his lips, just the pure green of his eyes turning a shade darker and the blackness in the middle suddenly_ so _big; beautiful and filthy at the same time.

"I told you I don't suck cock, didn't I?" Sebastian asks, trying to sound serious but his voice is trembling with restrained laughter and something that is probably desire.

"I know," Blaine nods, wanting to pull his arm out of Sebastian's grip but feeling petrified. He feels dirty, guilty, _awful_, yet his heart is beating so fast he is afraid it will burst and his dick is half-hard. "It was just a fantasy. I thought I…"

"Fuck, Blaine, your eyes," Sebastian interrupts him, his voice quiet, full of wonder and _definitely_ desire. "They are really bright so it's easy to see when your pupils are dilated like that."

Before Blaine can panic – because he is pretty sure Sebastian's eyes were beginning to slide down his body –, Sebastian suddenly releases him and his expression turns worried, lips falling open in surprise. Blaine gasps when he sees Dave's dad standing in the door with four shopping bags in his hands and a look on his face that makes it painfully clear he is more than a little traumatized.

"Hello, boys," Mr. Karofsky starts, trying to smile but it's more like a very strained grimace. "I… I will be in the kitchen. You can continue… discussing… what you were discussing."

Blaine doesn't remember ever wanting to disappear so much because of sheer embarrassment. (Okay, maybe that time when Cooper wanted to check his e-mail on Blaine's laptop and he accidentally (though it was Cooper so it was possibly totally intentional) found the hardcore gay BDSM site Blaine had _once_ visited _accidentally_. Or after the whole Jeremiah thing.)

He is absolutely mortified.

And that is the _only_ reason why he doesn't do anything when Sebastian steps behind him. He doesn't press his body against Blaine's back but he does wind his arms around his middle, fingers intertwined just above Blaine's navel, the scent of his cologne enveloping Blaine and making him want to relax into the embrace.

"We can help unpack, Mr. Karofsky." Blaine can _hear_ the polite smile in Sebastian's voice. Sebastian lowers his head a little, his warm breath against Blaine's left cheek making Blaine tremble as Sebastian says the next words, his voice filled with gentleness and affection and somewhere behind the pleasant haze in Blaine's mind a small voice deadpans: _He could be a really good voice actor. _"Right, _sweetheart_?"

"Right," Blaine nods at Dave's dad, pretty sure his smile is as awkward as Mr. Karofsky's. "But I have to go to the bathroom before. Come with me, _babe_?"

Blaine all but drags Sebastian into the bathroom. He grabs two fistfuls of Sebastian's shirt and pushes him against the wall; Sebastian scrambles for purchase and almost knocks down a fancy bottle of bath salt.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing, you bastard?" Blaine shakes Sebastian. He doesn't want to get _too_ close; it's clear Sebastian's cologne has the ability to temporary brainwash people.

"He probably thinks we are making out right now." Sebastian snorts. God, Blaine wants to slap that satisfied smirk off his face _so bad_.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Blaine demands again, letting go of Sebastian's shirt and sitting down on the edge of the bathtub, wanting nothing but to bury his face into his hands. "Mr. Karofsky thinks we are boyfriends now!"

"He thought we are boyfriends; that conversation was not how platonic friends usually talk. And he talked to me before about how much he wants to support his son, how he wants Dave to understand that his father accepts him completely, that he can talk to his dad about _anything_ and that whatever happens, he will be there for Dave. How he wants Dave to show his boyfriend to him first, to not feel like he has to hide his happiness from his dad. So if we don't pretend to be boyfriends Mr. Karofsky is going to think we are afraid of him and that's why we don't want to admit our relationship or act like we are boyfriends. And how do you think that would make him feel? Because how could he expect something from _his own son_ if not even two strangers can do it?"

_Huh_. Blaine isn't sure it makes _perfect_ sense, but they can't be too careful when it comes to how to interact with a person whose son tried to commit suicide.

"And _babe_?" Sebastian grins down at Blaine. "I like it, I guess."

"I thought you would find it annoying." Blaine rolls his eyes. "And my mother calls me 'sweetheart', so find something else."

"I could call you 'piggesnye'?" Sebastian offers. Blaine looks up at him in confusion. "It's no longer used but maybe that's what makes it special? Basically it's a synonym for sweetheart. It literally means 'a darling pig's eye'."

Blaine can't help but snort and then he is actually laughing loudly; after Sebastian joins in he couldn't stop if his life depended on it. And _oh_, how great it feels, how lovely it is to feel his heart swell with joy because they used to laugh like this at something stupid and silly before, _together_, like the friends they used to be.

Maybe they didn't completely forget how to be friends.

"Cutie? Sweetie pie? Honey? Sugar? Pumpkin?" The words roll off Sebastian's tongue awkwardly, like he thinks they are completely ridiculous. Blaine thinks so too, actually. "_Love_ would be way too much. Ah… _sunshine_. Sometimes you smile like that. I mean I know the sun can't smile but… Sometimes you make these faces, I don't know how to explain, and it's just… blinding. Not literally, but, you know, I… it's a bit uncomfortable to look at you then because it's just… too much. Too bright. But it's also very pretty."

Blaine stares at Sebastian, shocked and waiting for the punch line and his heart aching sweetly for some unexplainable reason. Sebastian shrugs with a small smirk. "You like that, _sunshine_?"

"I guess it's not that bad," Blaine answers, looking away with a blush.

They help Dave's father unpack the grocery and it is absolutely _horrifying_ how easy this 'pretending to be boyfriends' bullshit is. How easy it is to laugh bashfully when Sebastian offers to put the pack of sugar on the shelf Blaine couldn't reach and how easy it is to stare at Sebastian's ass as he stands on his tiptoes – and seriously, what kind of people was this cupboard made for if even _Sebastian_ has to stand on his tiptoes? He doesn't stare because Sebastian's ass looks really nice in these jeans, he _definitely_ doesn't remember that Sebastian also likes to bottom and he _most definitely_ doesn't wonder if there are freckles on his ass. He does it because Mr. Karofsky is there and they have to pretend to be boyfriends and that's what boyfriends do. And when Sebastian helps him open a can of pineapple – Blaine could do it too, but he doesn't want to get into an argument – it's frighteningly easy to tug Sebastian down and press a grateful kiss against the corner of his mouth. He is careful to touch only his skin, not his lips, because this 'pretend boyfriend' shit does have its limits. But just kissing someone's _face_ is not a big deal, right? Family members and friends do that all the time, after all.

"Thank you," Mr. Karofsky says as Blaine helps him put the frozen vegetables into the fridge. "I had no idea you two are _together_. But you seem really in love. I hope now that you two are his friends my son can understand that it's possible to have a happy relationship even between two boys."

Blaine smiles as kindly as he can.

_Oh god, what the fuck did he let Sebastian get them into?_

* * *

><p><strong>From: Sebastian Smythe<strong>

_Still can't believe you blew something so silly and meaningless completely out of proportion. You are a fucking idiot._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_But I'm also flattered. And relieved, I guess._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_I'm also touching myself right now._

Blaine chokes on his banana. He _just_ has enough time to put his phone away before his mom comes to pat him on the back.

"Did something happen, sweetheart?"

"No, mom." Blaine takes the glass of water with a thankful nod, giving his mother a small smile. "Thanks for the dinner, it was delicious. As always, of course. I still have homework so I'm going now, okay?"

He double-checks after closing the door and falls onto his bed headfirst. He inhales the fresh, orangey scent of detergent and _god_, Sebastian is the _worst_. _The fucking worst._

**To: Sebastian Smythe**

_You are bluffing._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_Are you calling me a liar?_

**To: Sebastian Smythe**

_Yes. Nobody could type so well with only one hand._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_Are you really naïve enough to think that it isn't possible to masturbate without using your hands? How cute._

_Oh._

Okay. So if Sebastian is not bluffing that means… he has a dildo in his ass. Or a vibrator. And he is probably rolling his hips, cheek pressed into his pillow as his toes curl in pleasure. And because he is most likely alone he can be _loud_; a string of wanton sighs and shameless moans falling from his lips at the pleasure constantly throbbing through his body, the head of the toy snug against his prostate. Maybe he is on his back; legs spread and head thrown back, staring up at the ceiling as the vibrations make him fall apart. Or perhaps he is on his hands and knees, fingers twisting the sheets, strong thighs trembling and that lovely ass high in the air…

Blaine whimpers into the pillow as he thrusts his hips down once before turning to his side; he refuses to dry hump his mattress just because of a stupid text message.

**To: Sebastian Smythe**

_Go to hell._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_I'm just talking about my evening. That's what friends do, no? Discuss stuff._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_Sometimes I think about you when I'm touching myself._

Blaine blinks at his phone, teeth sinking into his lower lip. He isn't sure what to make of that. Maybe Sebastian is lying – he has all those guys at Scandals at his disposal, why would he think about Blaine, whom Sebastian hasn't even had the chance to _kiss_? But Sebastian does want him – since the very beginning proud and shameless in his pursuit of Blaine…

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_So don't feel guilty; I'm the same, it's all fair and equal, stuff like that. It doesn't bother me._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_And you do not have to ask for permission if you want to fantasize about someone. It doesn't really happen. It's only in your own mind. What one doesn't know can't hurt them, anyway._

**To: Sebastian Smythe**

_I didn't want to, it just… happened. And you do know._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_But it doesn't hurt me. Quite the contrary; it's Fantasy Number 34 now._

Blaine gasps in shock, his face flushing in embarrassment and his dick twitching in interest. _34?_ That's a _lot_. But it's probably about all kinds of men and Blaine features only in, like, one or two of them.

He should change topics. He should tell Sebastian that he doesn't want to talk about this ever again, that they should be platonic friends and _absolutely nothing else_.

But he is _so_ curious, _damn it._

He calls Sebastian up.

"I thought you are too proud and too busy doing the, you know, real stuff to fantasize like all the poor plebeians," Blaine starts, hoping he doesn't sound like someone whose hard cock is most likely already making a wet spot on his underwear.

"I told you I go only once or twice a week. But I'm horny more than once or twice a week."

Blaine laughs.

(He kind of knows the feeling. Kurt loves him and he loves Kurt but…)

"So… you have 34 fantasies?"

"Well, there are A, B, C and sometimes D and even E parts so I guess it's actually more than 34. Huh, that sounds a lot when said out loud, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Blaine whispers, impressed. He also watches porn and masturbates, but to organize fantasies like that, _wow_… "What are they about?"

"You mean _who_ are they about?" Sebastian corrects him and Blaine can't even be mad at him; he is right. "You. Every single one of them."

Blaine presses his lips together, his eyes fluttering closed, his body _aching_ with the need to have his fingers wrapped around his erection.

"Wanna know why?" Sebastian's voice is low; like when he was sitting on Dave's family's couch with his fingers around Blaine's wrist. Seductive. _Fuck._ "Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugarcoat it?"

"The truth," Blaine says quickly, knowing it won't be as pleasant as the sugarcoated version would have been, but also knowing that they can't lie to each other anymore.

"There are a lot of things I can't do with a stranger. Because of safety or trust issues, and anyway, quite often they are just… less than satisfactory. So I amuse myself with fantasies; for example doing it bareback, bondage, role-playing, blindfold, toys, _many_ positions… I can't _actually_ do them when I only have one night stands but finding someone willing to agree to all these I can trust and who can trust me is a million times harder and more bothersome, so I settle for this. And of course there is another person in my fantasies. Only one. Because – and do not misunderstand this, there is no hidden sentimental meaning – I like the idea of that, at least in theory, because in reality it would be way too complicated. Having sex with only one person, because he would know everything about me, what I like and what I don't like, because I wouldn't have to explain _every fucking time_ that licking my collarbone does absolutely nothing for me, it bothers me when you try to suck on my earlobe, do not come too soon and calling me a 'whorish little boy' isn't hot, it's fucking creepy."

Sebastian falls silent and Blaine tries to somehow process all the new information. His erection wilts slightly. Is this Sebastian's a little twisted way of explaining that he actually wants to be in a committed relationship or…? But Blaine doesn't think either he or Sebastian is ready for these questions – _Would you ever want to be someone's _boyfriend_? Could you ever _love_ someone?_

"But this still doesn't exactly explain why _me_," Blaine says instead and then he adds, his tone just a little vicious, because he still feels angry about that: "After all, isn't the world full of _blushing_ schoolboys like me?"

Sebastian laughs, amused and exasperated at the same time.

"It had to be someone I don't _actually_ know in a sexual sense. Because after seeing how imperfect he is for me I can't separate the lover I actually had from the lover I want in my fantasies. But with you that wasn't the case, obviously. It's that simple. Also, that you are fucking hot with an ass that's in the TOP 5 I have ever seen; that helped a lot too."

_Ouch. _Well, that was a quite effective way to completely kill Blaine's libido. His dick is completely soft now and he doubts he will be able to get hard again tonight.

"So… if at the beginning I would have agreed to have sex with you then you would have thrown me away like a used condom, right?" Blaine doesn't give Sebastian time to answer, not yet. He feels slightly sick; a milder version of the horrible mixture of shock, hurt and betrayal after Sebastian's backstabbing; when Blaine was nothing but a convenient _tool_ to get information from – _We are doing Michael Jackson, pretty cool, huh?_ and _Oh, and there is also the slushie, it's sadly quite popular here in McKinley, the jocks use it to humiliate…_ He can't even try to convince himself that maybe Sebastian doesn't _really_ mean it like when he told those awful things in Dave's kitchen. It's _so_ obvious that Sebastian isn't lying this time, it all makes _perfect_ sense and Sebastian doesn't have any reason to pretend or to try to protect his dignity, not after Blaine's apology. "Because _of course_ I would have been imperfect for you! I was a fucking _virgin_! But you know what? I don't care if you are more _experienced_ or whatever than Kurt! Because I'm incredibly glad I lost my virginity to him. Because he _loves_ me and he cares about _me_, not about my previous position at Dalton or my tight ass. Well, that too, but not _just_ that. Because being awkward and clumsy together and slowly, carefully helping each other find out what we like and what we don't like was so much better than you mocking me and telling me shit like 'Huh, well, expected something better from the legendary ex-leader of the Warblers'."

Well, their first time wasn't _perfect_; Blaine still hates himself for what he did in the car. He is sure he had more than one beer but he doesn't really remember but he _knows_ he couldn't stop thinking about how Sebastian's neck would feel against his lips and the back of his hand brushed Blaine's more than once and maybe it was accidental and maybe it wasn't and the scent of Sebastian's cologne made him dizzy or perhaps that was just the alcohol…

And he already _knew _then, somewhere deep in his bones, that he wouldn't be enough for Sebastian, that maybe Sebastian flirted with him but _in reality_ he would be disappointed with Blaine and would get bored of him quickly. And he hated how _drawn_ he was to Sebastian for whatever stupid reason (_his face and his body and his attitude and his smirk and his compliments and he looked so fucking amazing in his uniform and Blaine missed the blazer a lot_) and Blaine had a _boyfriend_, a lovely, amazing boyfriend who deserves the best…

It wasn't just that he didn't want to hurt Kurt. Blaine didn't want himself to get hurt either, and a boy like Sebastian, so proud of his twenty minutes long conquests and not caring about cheating, well, a boy like that can't be anything but trouble.

_Trouble_ was a bit of an understatement, they all had the misfortune to find out later.

"And I can't fucking believe you got mad at me when you _assumed_ I used you to feel wanted while you actually _admit_ that you only want me because you can, I don't know, build up sleazy fantasies about me, but you do not _truly_ care, do not _really_ want me for who I am. I am not a fucking _sex toy_, Sebastian. I am not someone you can fantasize about while you do not give any fuck who I actually am."

"Yeah, well," Sebastian begins, his voice just a little hesitant. Blaine rolls his eyes because shouldn't Sebastian at least try to pretend Blaine isn't right? But he did say he won't sugarcoat things, didn't he? "I used to be a pretty awful person. I… I had a few, let's say, wake-up calls and now I'm trying to treat others better. You have every right to be mad at me for what I did in the past, but _now_ I… I do like you more than a possible quick conquest. You are my _friend_. And I know it's not a big deal for you with your army of friends but for me it's something… precious, you know? That you are my friend."

_God_, Blaine fucking _melts_ and he hates himself for it, hates the warmth blooming in his chest. Maybe Sebastian is just trying to placate him with a few convenient, well chosen words, but it _works_. It's funny in a way; Sebastian knows how to manipulate people with threats, insults or a seductive smirk but what he probably doesn't know is that he could have Blaine wrapped around his little finger, that Blaine would probably do anything for him and forgive him everything if only Sebastian smiled that rare sweet smile of his and called him _sunshine_ and told him that their friendship is _precious_.

"I guess you really are like Dave's cactus." Blaine laughs softly.

"That was a stupid analogy." Sebastian's tone is sullen and annoyed, but with a hint of amusement that makes Blaine smile.

Blaine still doesn't exactly know what to expect, doesn't know if it will be worth it; trying to trust Sebastian, spending time with him, being his friend.

But he wants to give it a chance. Give Sebastian a chance. Wants Sebastian to give him a chance.

Give _them_ a chance.

He wants to start this friendship _again_, for the third time, and he doesn't want to make any stupid mistake this time and he hopes Sebastian won't either.

He wants this to work.

"You know, I really like flowers," Blaine says, knowing the cheeky grin is evident in his voice. "Even on a cactus. Maybe especially on a cactus."


	9. Chapter 9

They are friends again.

Sebastian doesn't have any idea what that means.

The truth is that he is getting more and more tired of Blaine. Not Blaine as a person, who is not only hot but also sweet and cute and a million other cheesy adjectives, with a warm laugh that makes Sebastian want to smile and hearing his hoarse 'Good morning, Sebastian' on the other end of the phone is the best way to start Sebastian's day.

But Sebastian is tired of their… _friendship_ and of how fucking _confusing_ it is.

He doesn't want to be _wary_ of Blaine. Sebastian likes predictable and simple people because he can be a step ahead of them but with Blaine it's like Sebastian accidentally says something completely insignificant and suddenly they are back to square one for some reason Sebastian can only half understand.

The place where they are now is actually worse than square one; at least at the beginning there wasn't all this goddamned dishonesty.

And it's like everything gets fucked up and everything slips through his fingers and Sebastian is getting really frustrated by it all.

Maybe he just wanted _one little thing_ that is there for him, something he can count on. And maybe there were those pathetic moments when he felt beaten and tired and thought that Blaine's friendship and perhaps one day more could _maybe_ be that one little thing, but…

But fucking Blaine Anderson with his bashful smiles and gross loyalty to his boyfriend _jerked off_ listening to Sebastian and then decided to call it quits without telling Sebastian _why_. It makes Sebastian simultaneously want to laugh in amusement and bang his head against the wall at how ridiculous the whole situation is.

Sebastian knows he doesn't have any right to be mad at Blaine; he betrayed Blaine because he wanted to win Regionals and see the overdramatically shocked expressions of the members of New Directions, after all.

And then there are things like Blaine's happy grin and sparkling eyes and silly anecdotes and how he blushes, so innocent and wanton at the same time, trying hard to stay calm and failing in the most tantalizing way as he stumbles over his words admitting he _masturbated_ thinking about his dick fucking Sebastian's mouth.

It is just too interesting and too much fun.

And hey, it's not like Sebastian has anything to lose if he remains friends with Blaine…

"Ugh, why are you calling me before dawn?" Sebastian grumbles into the phone as he turns onto his back, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "Blaine, seriously, _what the fuck_…"

"Sorry," Blaine says sheepishly and Sebastian's annoyance disappears instantly. Something warm and pleasant takes its place, something that makes him hug his pillow with his free arm and remember the sweet scent of Blaine's shampoo teasing his nose when he hugged him in front of Dave Karofsky's father. "It's almost ten. I thought you are awake."

"Yeah, and it's also Saturday. And I went to sleep around four."

There is silence for a few heartbeats.

"Scandals?" Blaine asks, his tone a bit awkward. "I mean, um, it's okay if…"

"Dave," Sebastian interrupts him. "We talked online all night. Mostly about movies, sports, music and classical literature. He is actually quite smart, he honestly impressed me. That sounds mean, right? But before I thought he is just this not very bright jock, but… But it's not a chore to be his friend at all. I mean there is the attempted suicide thing and I am constantly terrified I will say something that accidentally hurts him, but other than that…"

"Oh, that's great." Blaine sounds genuinely surprised and there is something else in his voice Sebastian can't recognize. "I'm glad. You do need a friend. Everyone needs one."

Sebastian's eyebrows jump up and suddenly he feels cold. He starts to rub his naked arm to feel warmer before he stops when he realizes how absolutely pathetic he is and just tries not to clench his hand into a frustrated fist. If Blaine woke him up to tell Sebastian he is sorry, but he changed his mind about their friendship _again_…

"I mean, Sebastian, we…" Blaine begins quietly, sounding hesitant. Sebastian is pretty sure he is biting into the corner of his lips like he does sometimes when he feels uncomfortable or doesn't exactly know what to say. "Sooner or later you will inevitably have enough of… _this_, won't you?"

"What?" Sebastian frowns, feeling a little relieved but he is mostly just _really_ confused.

"I just…" Blaine makes a noise that sounds like a sigh or a stuttering inhale. "I'm really glad we are friends again, but… Well, you want me _like that_. And you are still my friend because you cling to the hope I will break up with Kurt or maybe just cheat on him and have sex with you. When you finally get bored of waiting or find someone else you can have those fantasies about… Just because I, um, did _that_ doesn't mean that I actually want to… You are so proud and you really want to win and isn't it, I don't know, frustrating to be friends with someone you thought you could get… Isn't it better to be Dave's friend and not feel like…"

"Blaine, _god_, shut up," Sebastian snaps, throwing the blanket off his body and climbing out of the bed. He feels exasperated; yes, it _is_ frustrating as fuck, actually, but this doesn't mean that Blaine is not important to him as a friend and Blaine should fucking know this by now…

Sebastian trudges into the bathroom and almost groans at the sudden light, closing his eyes against the stab of pain in his head.

"Don't jump to conclusions. I'm not… We are friends, Blaine. I like being your friend. I told you this before, didn't I? Why don't you believe me?"

Sebastian cringes at his own words because, well, not even he can pull off every outrageous lie without sounding like an idiot. He quickly splashes some cold water onto his face with one hand, hoping that will wake him up a bit more.

"Oh, I really don't know," Blaine singsongs mockingly. Sebastian would keep his expression unreadable if Blaine could actually see him, but now he allows his lips to curl down. "I don't remember the last thing we said to each other that wasn't a lie, to be honest."

"Well, at least we both know it's true that we want to fuck each other."

Sebastian isn't sure how far he can go, how shamelessly he can flirt with Blaine before Blaine becomes so uncomfortable or guilty or whatever that he breaks their friendship again, but it's very difficult to resist now that he knows how much Blaine desires him. There was never any doubt that Blaine is attracted to him, because Blaine spends a lot of time staring at him and trying to check him out, hoping Sebastian won't notice it, but Sebastian didn't expect Blaine to _touch himself_ thinking about him. Or admit he touched himself thinking about Sebastian.

Blaine doesn't say anything. Sebastian can imagine the sweet blush spreading on his cheeks as Blaine opens and closes his mouth, wanting to deny it but knowing he can't.

Sebastian leans closer to the mirror and gingerly touches his morning stubble, thinking about _Fantasy Number 21B_. About Blaine walking into the bathroom while Sebastian is shaving, looking utterly adorable wearing only a little boxer and Sebastian's shirt and Sebastian's slippers, his hair mussed from sex and sleep, pressing his palm against his mouth as he yawns. Stepping behind Sebastian and hugging him, his face nuzzling Sebastian's naked shoulder playfully, making Sebastian laugh as his curls tickle his skin before Sebastian…

"Hey, um… were you only joking when you said you have all those fantasies? Like numbered and with letters… I mean, uh, I'm just asking, because, well, there is nothing wrong with just asking, right? The guys talk about their spank fodder all the time and even give each other tips and share their favorite porn videos and stuff and then admit they jerked off to them. Santana talks about sex a lot too, even if you are not at all curious. And some of the girls made a detailed list just a few days ago, like which boy has the best lips to kiss or, you know, to receive oral from – Sam, I guess that's not very difficult to guess –, or who would be 'the wildest between the sheets' – there was some disagreement, to put it mildly. Who has the prettiest ass – well, they actually think I have. They asked me too because I'm gay. I think they asked Kurt too. Of course I couldn't say I have the prettiest ass because that would be arrogant and I couldn't choose between, um… Okay, anyway. I'm babbling and the point is that, well, if you feel like telling me… _well_…"

Blaine is _interested_.

Something hot and heavy flares up in Sebastian's stomach; the feeling of victory – a victory that might means absolutely nothing, but it still makes him feel proud. It's more than anything he could get since… he doesn't even want to think about it.

"What is your favorite number?" Sebastian asks, perhaps a bit more cheerfully than necessary, catching sight of his bright, _happy_ grin in the mirror and not feeling the need to scold his lips into an expressionless line.

"Um… I don't know." Blaine chuckles, the sound so cute it makes Sebastian's smile even wider. "I have many. Let's say… 10?"

Sebastian hums thoughtfully as he turns to walk into the kitchen.

"That's a role-play." Sebastian doesn't bother to make his tone seductive; he is still too sleepy and also too hungry for that and anyway, Blaine admitted he doesn't need that. "Teacher-student scenarios. Or more like tutor-student. In A, B and E you are the student, in C and D I am."

Blaine actually gasps in shock, so theatrically Sebastian is torn between finding it endearing and wanting to roll his eyes; that's like the tamest role-play after the housewife-pizza boy one.

Sebastian opens the fridge, looking around as he half succeeds stifling a yawn. He pours himself a bowl of milk with the phone pressed awkwardly between his shoulder and his cheek before he tries to decide whether he should have strawberry or chocolate-vanilla flavored cereal. In the end he chooses both – live life at the fullest; that has always been his motto, and since he can no longer visit Scandals he has to make do on the smaller joys in life.

"So, is there, um, spanking?" Blaine wonders, his voice either deliberately lustful or he has no idea; Sebastian can't decide which is hotter. He spills some of the cereal onto the counter in surprise as he feels a shiver run down his spine. _Fuck_.

"Actually, there is no spanking in this one. But now that you mention it..." He licks his lips as he looks for a spoon, feeling a spark of desire in his groin despite not being in the mood earlier. "What do you think, Blaine, should I put that part between bending you over the desk with your cheek pressed into the textbook to rim you and coming all over your cute face, or should that be after I fuck you against the door with your hands tied behind your back with the Dalton tie?"

Sebastian doesn't even hear his mother's footsteps; it's the clank of the spoon against the rim of her cup that alerts Sebastian of her presence.

He turns around slowly, trying to look her in the eye. It's not like Sebastian has never caught his parents in the middle of some sex act with all sorts of strangers. Sebastian is actually alone and he doesn't even have his hand in his underwear.

"I have to go now. We can talk later, Blaine. Sorry."

"Is something wrong?" Blaine whispers, his tone clearly worried. Sebastian frowns; did he sound like something is wrong?

"No," Sebastian says, trying to sound reassuring. "Later, okay?"

He ends the call before Blaine could ask anything else.

"It's nothing, okay?" Sebastian starts, hating how emotionless his mother's face is, how he has no idea what she plans to do and hating even more how frantic, _afraid _he sounds. "He… he is just a friend."

"Do you often have phone sex with your friends?" Sebastian's mother asks, her tone mocking enough that Sebastian feels a little stupid. She sips her drink before she adds quietly, more to herself than to his son. "I didn't know you have friends."

* * *

><p>Sebastian has no idea what he was thinking when he thought 'I have to tell Blaine we should pretend to be boyfriends' is a brilliant idea.<p>

A part of Sebastian felt a little guilty that maybe he is taking advantage of Blaine's bleeding heart or something and he offered that they can just tell Mr. Karofsky they broke up if Blaine feels uncomfortable doing this charade. But Blaine just gave him a small smile and said that if he could pretend to be in love with Rachel during West Side Story then he can pretend to be Sebastian's boyfriend too. _I want to be an actor so this is like practice_, Blaine shrugged, and then he raised his hand to press his fingertips against the corner of his own mouth. _I kissed you there_, he reminded Sebastian. _Do you think I would have done that if this made me uncomfortable?_

So here they are snuggled up on the couch, Blaine between his spread legs, his head resting on Sebastian's chest – a small part of Sebastian is worried his cardigan will be smudged with hair gel and he is trying not to get hard and let the scent and heat of Blaine's body draw his attention away from the conversation between Blaine and Dave's dad.

"What I am trying to say is that a relationship is a relationship, no matter the genders. Some homophobes say that gay couples have sex and that's it, but that's not true. It's the same as it is with a straight or a lesbian couple. I mean, yeah, the sex is a bit, um, different but other than that… We too have love confessions, dates, talking all night on the phone, stuff like that. We also have arguments, because we are both too proud and very stubborn and it's quite difficult to admit that we are wrong, but in the end we always work through everything. Oh, and what can be a bit awkward at first is that there are these traditions, you know, gender norms. When you are both boys who should pay in the restaurant or bring the roses, for example? But even heterosexual couples can challenge these things, of course. In the end it's not such a big deal. And I don't feel emasculated just because Sebastian gives me flowers a lot. It just makes me happy. I mean he is _so_ sweet, seriously, every chance he gets he gives me flowers. Like when he visited Dave in the hospital I told him he should buy Eglantine Roses. And even though the bouquet was for Dave he gave me one rose. I still cherish it. I actually have a huge book with pressed flowers, all from him. He can be such a sweetie sometimes, I'm so lucky I have him. I love him so much."

It's fucking _awful_. If it was clear that Blaine is simply talking about his relationship with his actual boyfriend and changing every 'Kurt' to 'Sebastian' it wouldn't be so horrible, but that Blaine is talking about things he and Sebastian actually went through together and making it sound like_ that_…

_He can be such a sweetie sometimes, I'm so lucky I have him. I love him so much. _

It's not like Blaine wants to torture Sebastian, Sebastian knows. He is probably just really into this 'acting practice' – maybe he thinks there is an unspoken agreement between them that Sebastian no longer wants him, he understands that Blaine would never have sex with him or be his boyfriend and he is okay with that.

But something, somewhere in his chest _hurts_.

He wants to shake Blaine's touch off when Blaine finds his hand and intertwines their fingers, but he can't because they are pretending to be boyfriends and _it was his idea_.

So instead he just squeezes their joined hands and gently grabs Blaine's chin with his other hand, turning his head towards Sebastian. For a moment they just stare at each other, Blaine's eyes huge and something shifts in them that Sebastian has never seen before; no one else has ever looked at him like that. It's not unpleasant but it's fucking confusing. Sebastian breaks eye contact and glances down at Blaine's slightly parted lips, so sweetly welcoming; they would be so soft and warm under Sebastian's own lips, if only he could…

"You are not the only one who is lucky." Sebastian grins brightly, cringing inwardly because _holy fuck_ that sounds utterly cheesy, but it's not like how they are acting has any resemblance to how their relationship actually is. "I think I am even luckier, sunshine."

Blaine laughs and Sebastian isn't even sure he needs 'acting practice' because Blaine already sounds so honest. Sebastian opens his mouth to add 'I love you too', but for some reason the words are stuck in his throat, painful like needles, and all these lies he can tell with absolutely no difficulty yet this little sentence he can't spit out no matter how he tries…

Sebastian presses a feather-light kiss to Blaine's forehead, so brief he can't even truly feel the warmth of Blaine's skin.

"I'm just worried," Dave's dad starts when Blaine turns away from Sebastian and Sebastian leans his head against the couch. "I mean… I had no idea he… He never mentioned wanting to… Not once. At least I don't remember." Tears well in Mr. Karofsky's eyes and Sebastian feels guilty once again, because all those stupid things like using blackmail because of a choir show competition and his petty insults to everyone, to _Dave_, and here is this man who is trying to be there for his son after he tried to kill himself… "I just want Dave to _talk_ to me, to tell me _everything_ so that I can help him if he needs me. I would listen to _anything_. I would buy him condoms and lubricant if he asked me to. I looked up online a lot of things about gay people, stories about their struggles and everything, but… Well, it's great that you two are here too… Something more… tangible than those blogs. So thank you for talking to me about it. And thank you for showing Dave that one day he can find his love too."

Dave's dad leaves them after asking if they need anything else. Blaine doesn't hurry to scramble away from Sebastian, and Sebastian can't decide whether he should be happy about this or not.

"Don't eat that," Sebastian says, taking the muffin out of Blaine's hand, glad he could find an excuse to free his hand from Blaine's fingers – he doesn't want Blaine to ask _why_ he can't bear to have Blaine hold his hand for too long. "It's blackberry."

Blaine blinks down at the muffin. "How do you know?"

"The ones with the blackberry filling have chocolate icing on the top. The cherry muffin has vanilla, the strawberry has coconut and the apple has cinnamon."

"Wow," Blaine whispers. "You must have spent a lot of time figuring all that out."

_Yeah, well, I was trying to busy myself with _something_ so that I don't get an erection as you shift between my legs trying to find a more comfortable position and listening to you gush about our romance that doesn't exist and couldn't exist isn't exactly my cup of tea, _Sebastian thinks, but he just shrugs and bites into the blackberry muffin.

* * *

><p><strong>From: Blaine Anderson<strong>

_14?_

**To: Blaine Anderson**

_Sex before/after lacrosse._

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_Ha-ha, not during?_

**To: Blaine Anderson**

_Aw, you kinky little bastard! Do you think sometimes about it too? Having sex with me in my lacrosse uniform in the empty locker room while I am all dirty and disheveled?_

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_No! Of course not!_

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_Um… maybe? Maybe I have a bit of a thing for jocks? Kurt has too! That's why he used to be in love with Finn and had that small crush on Sam._

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_So…_

**To: Blaine Anderson**

_14A: That's pretty standard 'Good luck' sex, with you all prim and proper until I mess you up and spread you out on the bench. Maybe put my cardigan under your head because you are trashing your head around a lot as I take your pretty cock into my mouth and we wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable or get a concussion or something._

**To: Blaine Anderson**

_And I would spend the whole time chasing the ball licking the inside of my mouth to find the taste of your come._

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_What even is not 'pretty standard' to you?_

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_But thanks for caring about my head, I guess…_

**To: Blaine Anderson**

_14B: Shower sex. When I am sweaty and exhausted and you pull me into the shower and run your soapy hands all over my tired, sore muscles and give me a hand job._

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_You know when you are sweaty and exhausted maybe pulling you into the shower wouldn't be the first thing I would want to do… I mean if I… You know…_

**To: Blaine Anderson**

_Well, 14C is about you pushing your face into my neck and licking the sweat off my skin as you try to yank my jersey off, but it clings to my sweaty skin so you give up and you twist your fingers in the fabric as I hold you up against the wall and steadily fuck into you._

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_If you are exhausted and your muscles are tired and sore how do you have enough strength to hold me up against the wall?_

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_I could do it, believe me. I can fuck married men a decade older than me so well they beg for round two before I leave them to dance with someone else. I could blow your mind even if I'm completely worn out. Especially because the only dick you know belongs to Kurt Hummel._

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_Pity I'm not into guys who don't respect marriages and insult my boyfriend._

**To: Blaine Anderson**

_Come on, why do you think a married man goes to a gay bar? If I refuse, he finds another guy. And you yourself admitted that your sex life with Kurt sucks._

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_I never said that._

**To: Blaine Anderson**

'_I love Kurt, he loves me and that's what matters'. You said this when we were at Breadstix with Santana._

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_Yeah, and?_

**To: Blaine Anderson**

_Oh, I have to translate it? 'Kurt is nice, gay, in love with me and would do anything to keep me his boyfriend, we go on dates and stuff and so it doesn't matter that we don't work in bed and so instead of having sex with my boyfriend tonight I will read through these messages and masturbate to them.'_

Blaine doesn't write him anything after that.

Sebastian, of course, isn't surprised. Maybe he shouldn't have sent that last text, but fuck it, he is _right_. Blaine is trying to use him to get what Kurt can't give him, but he doesn't actually want – oh, he wants, he just can't, he just doesn't dare – to have sex with him.

It's not like Sebastian isn't used to others – married men a decade older than him, for example – using him to get off, after all.

The problem is that at least those men actually gave him their cock or ass, but with Blaine Sebastian can't do anything but jerk off in the shower thinking about Blaine thinking about him.

Oh, and kiss Blaine's forehead.

* * *

><p>"Dave's dad told me you are Blaine's boyfriend."<p>

Sebastian scowls as the words **GAME OVER** appear on the screen and puts his phone away with a small sigh.

"I'm not," Sebastian says simply.

"I know you are not." Santana rolls her eyes as she picks up the cards. "But why the fuck would you come up with that?"

"Why do you think I was the one who came up with it?" Sebastian asks as he stretches his arm to reach the plate full of sandwiches and pull it into his lap.

Santana glances at him, utterly unimpressed, before she starts to mix the cards. "Because you are the one after Blaine and the kind of manipulative bitch who would take advantage of _this situation_ just to try to get a little closer to him."

It takes Sebastian an embarrassingly long time to realize how dumb he must look with the sandwich hovering just in front of his open mouth as he stares at Santana and he quickly takes a huge bite, hoping it seems 'I don't care enough to give you instantly an answer' instead of 'I don't fucking have any idea what to say to all that'.

Sebastian could laugh in disbelief. He could mockingly smirk at her and say something insulting. He could clap sarcastically. He could threaten Santana, though maybe he is better than that after what happened to Dave.

"_What?_" Sebastian asks inelegantly, licking ketchup off the corner of his lips.

"What?" Santana echoes mockingly, slamming the cards down. "You convinced Blaine to say to Dave's father that you two are boyfriends because that could somehow help him deal with the issue of homosexuality and Blaine is _a,_ often an idiot, _b,_ usually tries to help others even if it's something utterly idiotic and _c,_ secretly probably wants to screw you, so he agreed."

Sebastian stares at her. He feels numb, for some reason. He can't even force out a small laugh.

Fuck, he really is so tired of everything.

"Listen here, Sebastian. I not only have an awesome gaydar, but it's enough to just glance at someone and I know their every insecurity and fear and I know how to use them against them if I have to. People are open books to me. Even people like you. _Especially_ people like you. You are like I used to be, but I am now _many_ steps ahead of you. You still cling to the illusion of your superiority and believe you are better than everyone, you use others and throw them away, but the truth is that somewhere deep inside – and maybe you aren't even aware of this yet, it took me a while to realize it – you are actually fucking terrified and you think you are not worthy of…"

"Shut up!" Sebastian interrupts her, putting the sandwich down. Santana smirks at him, coolly raising her eyebrows and Sebastian feels so frustrated, _shit_, not even Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry put together are this obnoxious. _Fucking Santana_… "I'm really getting bored of listening to you talking in a foreign language." Sebastian stands up and leaves the room, rolling his eyes when he hears Santana's footsteps but he doesn't turn back. "Dave isn't even here now and I am only Dave's friend and couldn't give a fuck about you or you trying to project whatever you are feeling onto me so I'm leaving now."

"You're a coward!" Santana shouts at his back and it's so predictable Sebastian doesn't even feel insulted. "I used to be really pissed at you but now that you apologized and realized what a little piece of shit you are, oh, and now that we are getting ready to win Nationals while the Warblers are crying into their tacky ties the only thing I feel for you is pity."

"Go eat out your dumb girlfriend!" Sebastian growls, knowing that isn't his wittiest insult but not caring at all. He throws off the slippers and picks up his shoes, fumbling with them, his fingers shaking because _fucking Santana_. "Are you proud of taking advantage of her naivety and stupidity because… how was it exactly? _The plumbing is different_?"

He straightens up and turns to look down at Santana, his lips curling into a smirk; her face is so shocked she almost looks vulnerable.

"Who told you?" Santana asks quietly. "I didn't tell this to fucking Blaine."

"Maybe Brittany told someone and this someone told someone else who told Blaine. I don't know. I don't fucking care. Just… don't pretend to be better than I am."

Sebastian reaches for the doorknob before Santana starts to speak again. His fingers freeze in the air and his heart stands still as he listens to Santana.

"Brittany loved me. She still does. And I love her too. Maybe she liked Artie but what _we_ had is so much more than whatever they had. But you don't love Blaine and he doesn't love you. That's the fucking difference."

* * *

><p><strong>From: Santana Lopez<strong>

_I know I was a bitch to you at Dave's house but if you want to talk to someone you can talk to me._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_Obviously I can't solve whatever is going on in your life but sometimes you just need to have someone who is willing to listen to you. Secrets suck. And I think I could understand you._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_You are not just a rich white dude who thinks he can get away with everything because of his dad. I mean the truth is that you are a lonely miserable lost bitter disillusioned teenager. I get that. But at least I have someone who more than balances out every shitty thing in the world._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_Just because you seem to be out and proud doesn't mean you are completely comfortable with every aspect of your sexuality. I used to think that having sex with Brittany doesn't make me a lesbian as long as I don't actually have feelings for her._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_If you are worried about your family's reaction I can sympathize with that too. Seriously, you can complain about them, I won't use it as blackmail material or anything. I mean you don't have anything I want and I already had my revenge._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_Everybody wants to avoid people like me and Dave and you used to be – and still are sometimes – and of course they can't be blamed but sometimes there is this one person who believes that we are more than what everybody seems to think of us._

**From: Santana Lopez**

_For me, for example, it was Brittany long before anybody else believed I am anything but the cheerleader whore who insults everyone._

Sebastian stares at the phone. If Santana thinks he trusts her enough to open up to her she is a fucking moron. And really, Sebastian is fine.

He would rather be loathed by everyone than pitied by a few.

_You seem to be unhappier now than when we first met, Sebastian._

Does Blaine _pity_ him? Does he feel responsible as Sebastian's only friend for so long? Is he worried Sebastian might does something similar to what Dave wanted to do if Blaine is not there for him as his friend? Is that why Santana is sending him these messages even after he insulted her girlfriend and their relationship?

Everything used to be so simple, so easy, so _meaningless_ before Dave's suicide attempt and before Blaine and…

Blaine calls him up.

Sebastian doesn't want to pick the phone up at first – he is exhausted and he _really_ longs for a warm shower and a glass of cold mineral water or perhaps wine.

But he longs just a little more for Blaine's voice.

"Hello," Blaine greets him, sounding cheerful. Looks like Blaine isn't mad at him anymore because of Sebastian's last message. Or he just tries to ignore it. "How are things?"

Sebastian hums, walking to Dave's cactus. The window sill wasn't big enough for it so he had to move a small table to the window and put the cactus there. "I decided to try to keep Dave's cactus alive. He said that even his therapist thinks this is a good idea, that it can help anyone if they feel like they have to be more, um, responsible for stuff."

"That's great!" Blaine laughs brightly and Sebastian smiles. "You should send me a picture or something when it blooms. Do you know the color of the flowers?"

"No, but we will find out," Sebastian says. He flips the small piece of paper Dave put next to the cactus and reads again the few sentences written in Dave's handwriting:

_Take care of this cactus, Bas! Do you remember what I said about blooming for someone? Even if this person doesn't choose you it still wasn't in vain. That you became a better person because of them, for them, that doesn't mean it doesn't matter after they are gone. Continue being a better person and one day you will surely find the man who will be the one for you!_

_And I was actually just half kidding when I said you can come to my wedding! I mean I know we are not really that close friends yet but why not? Lots of hot guys in suits, maybe you could find someone there? Just don't fuck someone near my wedding cake, okay?_

"Hey, Sebastian," Blaine begins, pulling Sebastian's attention from the piece of paper, his voice suddenly turning serious. "I'm sorry if what I said in front of Dave's dad made you feel, um, bad or something. I mean maybe I shouldn't have said that I love you and everything, but I didn't mean to taunt you, I was just… well, we were pretending to be…"

"It's okay, Blaine," Sebastian says, closing his eyes briefly because really, it _is_ okay, it was Sebastian's fucking idea, after all. "Actually, I want to thank you. I don't know a lot about being boyfriends and if I had to be the one talking to Mr. Karofsky I'm not sure I could have come up with such believable lies."

He touches carefully the spikes on the cactus before he sits on the edge of his bed, bending down to take his socks off.

"You curious about another fantasy of mine? Or you feel like telling me some of yours? They are all embarrassingly vanilla, aren't they?" Sebastian teases, standing up to shimmy out of his pants before throwing them to the floor next to his socks. He will put them away tomorrow morning or something. "I bet there is not one I don't also have."

Blaine makes an indignant little gasps and Sebastian snickers at that. Sometimes it is so easy, so comfortable talking to Blaine, having fun with Blaine, _being_ with Blaine. Sebastian doesn't know what to do with all these small, honest but ultimately meaningless moments among all the lying and distrust between them.

Maybe they _can_ work as friends.

"You underestimate me," Blaine protests and Sebastian can hear the pout in his voice.

"Fine, I will humor you," Sebastian grins, lying back comfortably with his head on his pillow. "Go ahead, _sunshine_, tell me your fantasies."

"Well, I…" Blaine begins and Sebastian tries to find anything in his voice that sounds like he is touching himself or is at least turned on, but there is no breathlessness or stuttering or half choked back moans between his words as he continues. He sounds like he always does when they are talking about whatever topic comes to mind. "You don't have a domesticity kink, right? Living together, buying furniture, cooking together, getting married, stuff like that."

Sebastian snorts at that because _fuck_, Blaine gets hard thinking about _buying furniture_ and _of course_ Sebastian doesn't have any chance getting him because Sebastian is kind of allergic to even thinking about the possibility of domesticity – getting married, _god_, the very idea makes him want to laugh until there are tears in his eyes.

Their whole friendship is like a really lame tragicomedy.

The tale of the star-crossed fuck buddies.

"What does that even have to do with sex?"

"It has just as much to do with it as, let's say, being teacher and student has. Like… moving in together and having sex on the couch for the first time because the bed is not bought yet. Getting distracted making pancakes for breakfast because you woke up first and left the bed to shower while your lover was still snoring into your pillow. Or the wedding night where you can _finally_ call your lover _my husband_ and kiss the wedding ring on his finger."

Sebastian isn't sure what to say. He doesn't really get it, of course.

"Okay, you won that bet, Blaine. That still doesn't prove you are not embarrassingly vanilla."

Blaine laughs. "Aw, nothing is enough for you! Well… um… you can have kinky sex on an anniversary or something? That's pretty domestic! Or having sex on the washing machine!"

"Why the fuck would you have sex on the washing machine?" Sebastian wonders, perplexed. He would be up to a lot of things but why a fucking _washing machine_?

"Well why not?" Blaine shoots back. Sebastian bursts out laughing because right, _why not_? Blaine joins him a moment later, his laugh half-amused, half-embarrassed. It wasn't even really funny but Sebastian laughs until his stomach hurts and he thinks absent-mindedly that okay, yeah, they can do this, they can be just friends and Blaine can be Kurt's boyfriend until they all die and Sebastian could be the fucking best man on their wedding and maybe it would be fine as long as sometimes they can laugh together like this.

"Listen, Sebastian, I'm sorry." The laugh dies in Sebastian's throat. "I just… I want to be your friend but I don't want to lead you on. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Blaine, don't be overdramatic," Sebastian says, screwing his eyes shut in annoyance. "You don't have to apologize for not having sex with me. Believe me, you are not the first guy I wanted to fuck who refused." Except Sebastian only smirked condescendingly at them – _you don't know what you are missing out on, dude _– and left to find another hot guy he could dance and fuck with. He forgot about them that night. He didn't become fucking friends with them for months. "And if you are worried about hurting Kurt, _well_. First of all, he _doesn't know_. And you are not doing anything wrong. You yourself said your friends discuss sex all the time. And what if you are attracted to me? I'm not an expert when it comes to relationships, but you don't become a horse with blinkers just because you are going out with someone. Like come on, don't tell me Kurt isn't attracted to anyone but you."

"Well. Um… there is Taylor Lautner, the werewolf guy from Twilight. You know who I am talking about, right? It's on Kurt's bucket list that he wants to have sex with him. He also had a crush on Mr. Martinez, who is allegedly 'the hottest Spanish teacher in Ohio history'."

Sebastian is almost impressed. Okay, Taylor Lautner is super lame, but drooling after a hot Latino teacher sounds quite kinky – especially from Kurt Hummel of all people.

"See?" Sebastian laughs. "It's completely fine. We are just discussing things. That's all. You can start to feel guilty when I actually get to know how your dick tastes."

"Okay, that's…" Blaine splutters. "Um… I just… I just feel like… Maybe you are right. I mean what you said in that last text. Maybe I am selfish and I want too much and I don't want to cause any pain to anyone… I usually only realize that I fucked things up _after_ the damage is done and I just…"

"Calm down," Sebastian stops him when Blaine starts to sound actually _terrified_. "What damage could you possibly do? And hey, this is our little secret, okay, Blaine? Okay, I once or twice betrayed your trust but I'm trying to be a better person now and I wouldn't tell this to Kurt anyway. Because then you surely wouldn't continue to be my friend and because what is there to rub in, _really_? 'Hey, Kurt, did you know that your boyfriend masturbates thinking about me?' Sure, he wouldn't be terribly thrilled but he _actually_ gets to have sex with you even if it sucks and I don't. And you know the story of Cassandra? The Trojan princess Apollo cursed with the ability to see the future but he made it so that nobody believes her. And whatever she says – like that Troy is going to be destroyed –, everybody ignores it or laughs at her. Nobody would believe me either. Nobody trusts me. I'm like fucking Cassandra, Blaine."

"You could have just said the tale of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. That would have been more appropriate, considering nobody believes you because you are a liar, not because you refused to put out for a Greek god." _Ouch_, Sebastian thinks, smiling wryly. "But Sebastian, you are not that bad. You have made mistakes, but who hasn't? You are a teenager and you shouldn't spend your whole life thinking that nobody could believe you or trust you. And actually, um, I don't remember their names but I'm pretty sure they were Cassandra's suitors and they came to the aid of Troy even though they didn't believe her because they _loved_ her. So... I know it is difficult to trust each other – because I should have been more honest too, I can admit that, but I was too confused and maybe I wasn't courageous enough to face… you know… So I'm just saying that until we can learn to trust each other we should try to make our friendship work with the help of… well, not _love_, but… We do like each other, don't we?"

That night Sebastian dreams about arriving _home,_ the warm lights on and Blaine singing some ridiculous bubblegum pop song as he stirs the soup, his feet moving to the rhythm. About a 'Welcome home, boyfriend' grin and Blaine's soft lips gently sliding against his own. About cutting carrots and mushrooms and listening to Blaine gush and complain about Broadway. About playing footsie under the table while they eat and discuss their plans for the weekend.

This isn't the first time Sebastian has a dream about Blaine.

This is the first time Sebastian doesn't wake up aching to wrap his fingers around his erection.

He wakes up with a strange, terrible ache in his heart instead, and that is somehow a million times worse.

* * *

><p><strong>Here is a little spoiler:<strong>

**So… next chapter things are gonna change **_**a lot**_**. I can't say anything more but if you are getting tired of all this unresolved shit and how they are doing nothing but running around in circles (I am getting tired of it too, believe me OTL), well…**

**No, it probably isn't what your first guess is, though.**

**And thank you so much everyone reading and reviewing and recommending the story!  
><strong>


	10. Chapter 10

Blaine is _so_ glad his mother is looking forward to meeting his boyfriend, but he wishes she would be just a little less enthusiastic. Blaine just wants five minutes splayed on the couch to catch his breath without his mother asking where the red potpourri is or whether Kurt likes strawberry or raspberry pudding more or whether she should put onions into the soup or not or _You said his mother died, right? Oh, poor boy. I guess we shouldn't bring that topic up then._

"Come on, mom, this won't be the first time he is here." Blaine sighs, curling up and pressing his face into the couch. Maybe if he pretends to be a blanket his mother will leave him alone.

"Does he like lemonade with lots of sugar or should it be sour?"

Blaine groans in exasperation, turning his head to the side.

"Well, he loves really sweet food – needs it when he is sad or tired –, but he also likes those super sour hard candies, you know, the apple and lemon flavored ones. If he can eat those I'm sure you could make the sourest lemonade ever and it would be fine."

Blaine feels terribly nervous; he doesn't want anything to go wrong tonight. His mom and dad having a dinner with his first boyfriend for the first time is a really big deal. Kurt's smile was so huge when Blaine asked him if he would like to meet his parents and he all but attacked Blaine with a million questions – _So, um, how okay are your parents with us? Does it bother them that I'm flamboyant and the stereotypical gay guy and everything? Because I obviously refuse to change who I am but maybe I shouldn't wear skinny jeans or a rhinestone belt tonight? Ooh, isn't your dad into sports? I can boast about how in my sophomore year I scored the final point to win the first game of the season!_

"Aw, sweetheart, are you grinning?" Blaine looks up at his mother, who is smiling gently down at him. "Thinking about Kurt?"

Blaine grins even brighter, shifting on the couch to give his mom space as she puts the glasses carefully down and sits down next to him, her arm reaching out to pat his knee.

"So you love him, huh? You really do?"

Blaine hesitates for a moment, even though he is pretty sure he loves Kurt. Why wouldn't he love Kurt? Yes, he is worried about their future – how many weeks till Kurt realizes there are too many hot gay men in New York to try to bother with a long distance relationship? And Blaine has no idea what his friendship with Sebastian is; the only thing he knows is that it's not what it should be.

"I really do. He is super nice and sweet, mom, and he is smart too, and handsome, in a pretty way, you know what I mean? And he has this incredible heart, like he tries to help everyone, really everyone. He had to go through a lot of shit but he is still looking forward to everything and… He is just so great. It's just really easy to love him, you know?"

His mother's warm smile wavers at his last sentence and Blaine draws his eyebrows together in confusion, not understanding what is wrong with what he just said.

"I'm really glad Kurt is so lovely, but Blaine…" His mother takes a deep breath and squeezes his knee. Blaine frowns at her, starting to feel just a little worried. "You know, love is not… it's not loving someone because it's _easy_ to love them. It's loving someone even though it's very, very difficult sometimes. It's going through heartache and misery for them and even after all that still asking yourself 'Do I love this person?'. And if the answer is yes, well… Then you will know it's real. I'm not saying that what you feel for Kurt is not real, I just want you to understand that teenager relationships are not, they simply _cannot_ be as…"

Blaine's phone interrupts them. Blaine gives his mother an apologetic smile as he tries to fish his phone out of the pocket of his pants, but he is actually quite relieved, because his mom's speech started to make him feel terribly lost and just a little uncomfortable. His mother nods and leaves him quickly.

It's Sebastian.

Blaine glances at his mother standing in front of the fridge warily as he climbs off the couch. He isn't sure she would eavesdrop, but Blaine goes into his room anyway. God only knows what Sebastian wants to talk about, but it probably won't be very appropriate.

It's not Sebastian. It's his mother.

"So you are Blaine Anderson, right? I'm sorry to bother you and I know you don't know me but I think you are the closest to my son and that's why I called you up. He is sick, he has this awful fever and to be honest we are not that close to each other and I'm just not sure how to… how to deal with him when he is like this… So I think you should be here. I understand if you have something else to do but…"

* * *

><p>It's not like Blaine actually expected a mansion with fountains and butlers and a stable with purebred horses, but Sebastian's house is still a bit of a disappointment. It's carefully made clear that the family living there is rich, but it's all just… quite unremarkable. The elegant furniture and the paintings are all straight out of a catalogue of a five stars hotel, but… There is something almost unsettling about it and Blaine can't really put a finger on it.<p>

Sebastian's mother, though, is _nice_. She reminds Blaine of his own mother with her pretty smiles and melodious voice. She presses a mug of hot chocolate into his hand. "Sebastian is… he is just like his father. Very proud and doesn't like to be vulnerable. His father taught him that if somebody sees you are weak they will take advantage of you and look down at you. But _you_…" Sebastian's mother smiles at him warmly and Blaine feels flustered and unsure. He takes a sip of his drink, wincing when the hot chocolate scorches his tongue. "Well, I have no idea what happened, but it looks like you single-handedly managed to change my son."

Blaine's heart skips a beat and he stares up at Sebastian's mother. He tightens his grip on the mug. What is with others thinking Sebastian changed because of _him_? First Dave with his weird cactus analogy, then Sebastian's _mother_…

"I remember how it was to be in love for the first time, even though it happened a _long_ time ago." Sebastian's mother laughs pleasantly and Blaine has to put the mug down because he feels so dizzy suddenly.

"No, no, oh god, no, it's not…" Blaine starts, feeling a little guilty for sounding so frantic rejecting the very idea of Sebastian being in love with him, but shit, no, that's simply not possible. "Sebastian isn't… He's just…" Blaine falls silent, quickly looking away from Sebastian's mother's slightly shocked face. He stares at the floor, trying to come up with something, _anything_ that makes sense. But Blaine himself has _no goddamned idea_. The only thing he knows is that Sebastian doesn't _love_ him, that Sebastian _can't_ love him, but… Blaine used to be so sure this isn't even a crush but _maybe_… "He doesn't love me. No. We are just friends but there are no feelings like that between us."

Sebastian's mother frowns.

"I thought you two are… you know. _Boyfriends._" She whispers the last word like it's an intimate secret between them. "Oh, are you trying to keep your relationship a secret? You do not have to be afraid. I absolutely don't have any problem with my son being gay. I just want him to be happy and to be honest I'm glad he has a boyfriend like you – I don't really know you but you seem to be a really nice and sweet person. I was terribly worried about him when he used to visit that gay bar all the time, but I knew I can't stop him, he is too stubborn to listen to me… But he doesn't do that anymore. And it's because of you, isn't it?"

Blaine stares stupidly at Sebastian's mother's sweet grin and what the fuck is he supposed to say to all that? It's one thing to pretend to be boyfriends in front of Dave's dad but she is _Sebastian's_ mother and how did this even happen? Does Sebastian talk about Blaine a lot to his mother? Does he gush about how pretty Blaine's face is and how great their phone conversations are? Did he maybe have a grin on his face similar to the one Blaine had thinking about Kurt and did his mother notice it and…

"We really are just friends." Sebastian's mother's lips curl down. "I have a boyfriend but it's not Sebastian."

Sebastian's mother laughs again, but this laugh is a lot less pleasant. "So you are cheating on your boyfriend with my son?"

Blaine fights the urge to roll his eyes; he doesn't want to be impolite in front of Sebastian's mother. "I told you we are just friend."

"Mom, don't do this. I told you it wasn't _actually_ phone sex, I was just joking."

Blaine turns to look at Sebastian, who is standing with his palm pressed against the wall like he is worried otherwise he would collapse. He looks rather sick; his usually so carefully coiffed hair is messy, his face flushed and his eyes tired and glazed over with sickness.

"Hi, Blaine. There is no need for you to be here, I'm sorry, sometimes mom can be…"

"It's okay," Blaine stops him gently, feeling suddenly overwhelmed with sadness because this can't be the first time Sebastian has a fever and how horrible it must be that your parents can't take care of you when you are sick… "Come on, you shouldn't move around so much, let's go to your room. How high is your fever?"

Sebastian smiles and maybe any other time it would be a superior smirk but now it's such a weak curl of his lips that Blaine starts to feel even more worried.

"It's nothing. My head hurts a little but I'm sure I'll be totally fine in the morning. Seriously, Blaine, go home. What if you catch it too? Wouldn't want that, right?"

Blaine hesitates, glancing at Sebastian's mother, but her expression is unreadable, just like her son's so often. He doesn't want to leave Sebastian all alone with a mother who has no idea how to deal with him when he is sick but he does have a dinner with his parents and Kurt and that's quite important too… Maybe Blaine should call Dave up. Maybe Sebastian would worry less about appearing vulnerable in front of him…

"Okay," Sebastian sighs, closing his eyes briefly. It's probably his headache. "Come to my room. We can talk a little, I guess. Do you want to sing to me or read me a book as if I were a fucking child? I don't want you to leave feeling guilty you didn't do anything to help me."

Blaine follows Sebastian into his room, noticing that Sebastian's steps are a little slower than his usual brisk, sure movements.

Sebastian's room is different than the other parts of the house; it's clear someone actually lives here, with the unmade bed, the books and gadgets lying on the shelves and on the floor and the laptop on the table with the Eiffel Tower as the wallpaper – Sebastian told him months ago that his wallpaper is actually from one of his favorite porn videos; either that was a lie or he changed it since then. There is Dave's cactus too and Blaine smiles at it, thinking about Sebastian deciding to take care of something and trying not to think about Dave staring at the cactus with a serious expression and saying _And so you bloomed for them… became a better person because of them._

When Blaine looks away from the cactus Sebastian is already lying on the bed, his head resting on the pillow and his eyes closed. On the bedside table there is a bowl full of water and next to that a handkerchief; it's still a little wet when Blaine touches it.

"I couldn't even go to practice today."

Blaine frowns, carefully pushing Sebastian's bangs out of his forehead. Sebastian's lips fall open in a silent whimper and he draws his eyebrows together like he is in pain.

"Your skin is really hot. Did you go to the doctor?" Sebastian shakes his head weakly. Blaine bites into his lip. "Well, maybe you should. Or at the very least take some medicine. And eat something. When was the last time you had any food? I know you are not hungry when you are sick and sometimes you feel nauseated but you _have_ to eat something because when you have a fever your body especially needs it. And you also need…"

"Shut up," Sebastian growls, but it's more pleading than threatening. "My head wants to split into half and your yapping just makes it worse."

Blaine huffs in annoyance, because he isn't _yapping_, he is just trying to help Sebastian. But he understands that the last thing Sebastian needs right now is an argument. Blaine soaks the handkerchief in the cold water and wrings it thoroughly before putting it on Sebastian's forehead, ignoring Sebastian's small sound of protest.

"Do you need water? Or maybe fruit juice? Soup is also great when you have a fever. Even if you are not hungry it's…"

"_Blaine_," Sebastian interrupts him again and Blaine laughs awkwardly.

"Okay, I can stay silent if that's better. I could also bring you a painkiller."

"I already tried; didn't help. I tried to distract myself with the internet and reading books but I couldn't. I feel tired but not enough to go to sleep."

Blaine nods in understanding, wishing he could do something. He thinks about how his mother and Cooper and sometimes even his father are there to watch silly movies with him and let him rest his head in their lap and they sing quiet, soothing lullabies to him when he is sick.

But Blaine can't do anything like that. Maybe he should just wait until Sebastian falls asleep, take the handkerchief off, leave quietly and send a text to Sebastian tomorrow morning asking if he is feeling better.

"Blaine?"

Blaine hums questioningly.

"I don't want to be your friend anymore."

Blaine expected it. He really did. But maybe he _hoped_ that…

"You know when you said I seem to be unhappier now? Yeah, well… you are not helping."

Maybe it should feel like a swift punch, but instead it starts as something small and unsure in the middle of Blaine's heart and then slowly spreads, bitter and heavy, and it's a little difficult to breathe with the lump in his throat.

_I don't want to make you unhappy, Sebastian._

The words are on the tip of his tongue, but Blaine can't spit them out.

"I'm sorry," Blaine gasps out, swallowing against the lump. He isn't exactly sure why he is apologizing.

"Don't. There is nothing you should apologize for." Blaine wishes he could see Sebastian's eyes; maybe they could tell him what Sebastian feels. "We all know that whatever is between us… it can't go anywhere. And as much as I enjoy being your friend, in the end it just isn't worth it. It's too frustrating. Maybe it is selfish of me but I really, really want to fuck you and I can't and it's quite annoying, you know? But don't ever think that I'm mad at you or that I blame you for anything. I don't. Because just being your friend was more than I deserved. I used to think you are an idiot for being with Kurt, but… Maybe you are not. Kurt can cherish you… he _loves_ you, doesn't he? You deserve someone who can love you. I used to be mad at Kurt, that time when I thought I had a chance. But he was never _truly_ the one standing in the way of me getting into your pants. I mean even if you were single… the way we look at relationships and sex and love and everything, it's just too different. You need trust and feelings and stuff like that. I can't give you any of that. So… that's it."

And Blaine knows that this time it is real.

That this really is the end of their friendship. The end of _them_, whatever they were.

They tried to stop being friends with each other more than once before, but those times it was all lying and misunderstandings and bruised egos and trying to protect themselves, even at the cost of hurting the other.

This, though, this is the _truth_. Blaine knows with every fiber of his being that Sebastian is right and that there is nothing they can do about it.

It hurts.

Because Blaine doesn't want to lose Sebastian. Because even though Sebastian can be horrible and immature and Blaine can't even try to guess what he actually feels or thinks most of the time and even though Blaine loves Kurt and Kurt loves him like Sebastian himself admitted he could never love Blaine Sebastian is still his friend. He still has that cheeky wink that is actually almost _adorable_ and they can still talk for _hours_ about _anything_ and Blaine is always curious about his e-mails because whether they are silly and whimsical or very serious and sophisticated they are always interesting.

But it's not enough.

And Blaine gets it.

He doesn't want to make Sebastian unhappy.

"Okay. Sebastian, I understand. I…"

He wants to say many other things – _You know, things could have been different, if only…_ and _I hope you will find someone one day_ and _I didn't regret choosing to be your friend_ and _I didn't regret giving you a second chance even if you are awful sometimes_ and _You did hurt me but I hurt you too, didn't I?  
><em>

But he remains silent.

Sebastian gives Blaine this smile – this smile that's a bit similar to the one he gave Blaine at Regionals, though Blaine will realize this only when Kurt is talking to his mother with an easy, joyous smile and his mother wonders if he would be interested in her collection of scarves.

A smile that's sad and absolutely _defeated_.

Maybe it's the fever. Maybe it's something else.

It breaks Blaine's heart a little.

* * *

><p>When three years later Blaine meets Sebastian it's so cheesy Blaine actually feels a little embarrassed by it. They don't get stuck in an elevator or run into each other on the street and gather their scattered things together, but it's still definitely in the <em>Top 10 Most Overused Romantic Comedy Clichés.<em>

Blaine is on his tiptoes trying to reach the chocolate liqueur, careful not to either topple the bottle over or accidentally push it farther in, torn between asking a tall costumer for help and potentially being humiliated and just buying Kurt a bottle of strawberry liqueur.

"You need some help there, _sunshine_?"

Blaine makes a mortifying noise that sounds like the mixture of a yelp and a moan and falls back onto his feet, almost dropping the shopping basket in shock.

He turns around slowly and his breath gets caught in his throat as he takes in Sebastian's appearance; Sebastian looks just a bit more mature now than in high school, the evening stubble and leather jacket contrasting with the bangs that make his face seem somehow _sweet_ and the pleasant little smile in such an overwhelmingly _sexy_ way that Blaine almost reels from it all.

"Hi. Sebastian, wow, hi. Hello." Blaine feels himself blush in embarrassment and then in desire when Sebastian tilts his head and winks at him, his smile widening in amusement.

"Blaine. Hello. Not a lot has changed, I see. Looks like I can still make you flustered just like the first time we met. It's so nice to see you again. The curls are especially a lovely surprise, they make you even more adorable. Who would have thought that's possible?"

Blaine stares at the bags of chips in his shopping basket and blushes even more, flattered in that way only ever Sebastian could make him feel. It's not like Kurt's sweet compliments or others praising his talent didn't make Blaine happy, but there was something about Sebastian's words that was somehow different. Blaine didn't want to think too much about it in high school because he felt guilty he enjoyed them so much.

"Um, well, thank you, I guess. Yeah, I decided to forget the gel… Mom, Kurt and Rachel all but made a presentation about all the reasons I should 'let the curls be free'. But back in high school I was just, um, really embarrassed. I thought they are, you know, _silly_."

Sebastian raises his eyebrows, snickering a little. But it's not malicious or anything. There is nothing mean about Sebastian now, nothing even close to _I actually hate you for not putting out in high school _or _You know I could have spent all that time trying to get into your pants doing much more important things._

"_Silly_? And the bowties weren't?"

Blaine shrugs. It was different, but he doesn't feel like trying to explain it to Sebastian. Sebastian probably doesn't care, anyway.

"Do you want to catch up?" Sebastian turns away from him to get the chocolate liquor and he has to stand just the tiniest bit on his tiptoes. Blaine suddenly remembers that time in Dave Karofsky's kitchen when Sebastian had to stand just like this to put something – Blaine no longer remembers what is was – onto the shelf. Blaine can't help but let his eyes slide down from the nape of Sebastian's pale neck to his ass; it's just as lovely as it was in high school. "There are at least five restaurants five minutes from here." Sebastian smiles at him and Blaine feels warmth spread through his body as he quickly takes the bottle and carefully puts it into his shopping basket. "Or you can come home with me and we can have pizza? I'm not much of a cook but maybe I can try to make scrambled eggs or something. Do you like instant noodles?"

Blaine hesitates, not sure whether Sebastian's words have some hidden meaning or Sebastian truly doesn't want anything more than chatting while having dinner together. The idea of going to Sebastian's home makes Blaine wary and excited at the same time.

In the end he agrees because he is _really_ curious. About where Sebastian is right now, about whether he is happier now or not. About whether he has friends or maybe even a boyfriend or he is lonely and has only one night stands…

Sebastian's home is a small apartment, a bit untidy but not dirty. It smells like citrus air freshener, there are books, bundles of paper and magazines everywhere – mostly political and sport, though one has a twink in a fishnet shirt on the cover –, there is a tie hanging from the door handle, the bed is unmade and some of the drawers are open.

"I had no idea someone would come so I didn't put my things away, sorry about that."

Blaine nods as he watches Sebastian start to unpack the groceries, putting his own bags onto the couch.

"Should I help?"

Sebastian shakes his head as he opens the fridge.

Blaine glances around curiously, trying to find anything that would tell him whether Sebastian has a boyfriend or not. But there is nothing like photos of a handsome man with his arms wrapped around a brightly smiling Sebastian or two movie tickets next to a box of chocolate.

During the walk to the apartment they talked about Sebastian studying at Yale and Blaine at NYADA, Sebastian complained about how it's sometimes so loud here that he can't sleep without earplugs and Blaine explained that he doesn't actually live here, he is just visiting a relative with his mother and Kurt. When Blaine told Sebastian he is no longer dating Kurt he was staring at Sebastian, watching his face for any sign that would tell Blaine how he feels about this news, but Sebastian just nodded and that was it. There was no happy grin or _Good riddance_ with a mocking smirk or _Does that mean we can fuck now?_

"I'm done in a minute." Sebastian closes the fridge and begins to take beer cans out of the bag. Blaine frowns in confusion because he distinctly remembers Sebastian telling him once on the phone that he thinks beer is cheap and unclassy and doesn't even taste good. Maybe they are for his friends. Or maybe Sebastian does have a boyfriend… "Just make yourself comfortable on the couch. So, what do you want to eat?"

"To be honest I'm not that hungry." Blaine smiles up at Sebastian. "Actually, I'm not hungry at all. Let's just talk."

When Sebastian sits down he isn't close enough that Blaine could feel the heat of his body or the scent of his cologne, and Blaine feels just a little disappointed by this.

Suddenly Blaine doesn't know what to say. It was easy to chatter all the way to the apartment, talking about teachers and lessons and the little annoyances of everyday life, exactly like back in high school. But now the uncomfortable silence stretches between them until Blaine can no longer stand it and he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.

"So, what about your love life? Or maybe rather sex life?"

Sebastian snorts, but he doesn't seem to be offended, Blaine notices with a soft sigh of relief.

"There's nothing. I'm focusing on university now. And… I don't think it's worth it anymore. Do you remember when I was sick and mom called you to be there with me – when our friendship ended – and she told you I no longer go to Scandals? Yeah, well… it started to feel, I don't know, empty. It was more like a chore than something I actually enjoyed. I was more annoyed by them, by how selfish and incompetent they were and how I actually had no idea who they are than I liked their cock. You know what I mean?"

Blaine doesn't know, but he nods anyway. Something like hope blooms in his heart, uncertain and small, but he can't help but start to wonder; if _now_ they are both single and Sebastian is no longer promiscuous… They had more unresolved sexual tension in high school than they could deal with, Blaine doesn't remember being this goddamned attracted to any of the guys he tried to date after his break-up with Kurt and if Sebastian still wants Blaine…

"About me… Same as it was?"

Sebastian visibly stiffens and his eyes widen; Blaine decides to take them as good signs. He waits impatiently, watching Sebastian's hand drift to his neck and open two buttons; it's not seductive at all, it's like maybe Sebastian feels too hot or he suddenly can't breathe.

"Yes," Sebastian says simply.

Blaine's lips are tugged into a small smile as he feels relief flood his body. He isn't sure what Sebastian feels, only attraction or maybe a small crush or perhaps something more, and he doesn't have any idea what _he_ feels for Sebastian, but there is _something_ and for now it could be enough. Maybe it could turn into…

"What?" Sebastian asks quietly with a confused grin. "You have a strange expression on your face. Are you even listening to me?"

It's all like a dream. Maybe it _is_ a dream. This new Sebastian – no longer a high school boy hiding his feelings behind smug smirks, with coiffed hair and the Dalton uniform, but a young man studying law at Yale, with bangs and stubble and a shirt that lets Blaine see just a bit of his collarbone –, this Sebastian is like a completely different person.

They could go out. Go on dates. They could be boyfriends. _Why not_? Blaine isn't in a relationship and he isn't in high school anymore. Months after breaking up with Kurt they tried to talk as honestly as they could. They both agreed that they were immature and inexperienced and Kurt admitted that in high school he was terrified of the idea of losing Blaine to Sebastian and Blaine was terrified of the idea of losing Kurt to a handsome gay man in New York and they both spent too much time worrying they are not good enough for the other.

Now Blaine tries to take relationships a little less seriously. Because as much as he loved Kurt and was most of the time sure Kurt loved him too it was still horribly stressful to be worried about the future of their relationship all the time. Or wondering whether Kurt does mean it when he whispers with that soft smile that Blaine is his one true love. It's not like Blaine thought Kurt is purposefully trying to deceive him, but they were in high school and those relationships are hardly ever actually the 'one true love'.

Maybe it won't work. Maybe Sebastian will get bored of him in a month or maybe Blaine will be the one to give it all up sooner or later. Maybe Sebastian will cheat on him – but he said he doesn't enjoy one night stands anymore, so maybe he won't.

_Sweetheart, you shouldn't be so afraid of the possibility of heartbreak. Just _jump_ and see what happens. You won't find your love if you don't look for him, Blaine._

His mother usually gives good advice.

"I want to be with you, Sebastian." Blaine screws his eyes shut and then the words pour out of his mouth before he could stop them, probably too fast and louder than necessary. "I liked you in high school. I think I kind of had, um, feelings for you… not love, but _something_. It was there and I felt horribly guilty because of it. You were an important friend to me, despite everything, and I hated that I was so goddamned attracted to you while Kurt was there. But it's different now. And I'm not sure what is going to happen and maybe this is a very stupid idea… I mean do you know, um, when sometimes something seems like a splendid idea _before_, but then you find out it is not a…"

He falls silent when he feels Sebastian's warm hand on his own.

"Stop rambling, Blaine. You don't have to try to come up with excuses or whatever. I understand. I want to be with you too." Blaine opens his eyes, feeling a tremor run through his body. Sebastian's smile is honest, but there is unmistakable doubt in his eyes, like he isn't sure Blaine is not just trying to make fun of him.

"I want to kiss you, Sebastian."

Sebastian laughs and Blaine stares mesmerized at his mouth, his own tongue flickering out to wet his lips. He had dreams about kissing Sebastian in high school, about actually making out with him instead of just pressing his lips to the corner of Sebastian's mouth like he did that one time in front of Mr. Karofsky, tongues and teeth and Sebastian's hand on his ass and he woke up, wanting to vomit when he took his phone into his hand to see what time it is and saw a sweet message from Kurt.

"Kiss me, then."

Kurt isn't the only person Blaine kissed; he made out with some of his dates, though he never went a lot farther with any of them. Hey, he kissed Rachel in high school at that party. Kissing is not a big deal.

At first it's awkward, because neither of them is sure how much pressure the other likes and who should open his mouth first. Blaine can sense that Sebastian is trying not to be too passionate too soon; he doesn't want to scare Blaine away. But then Blaine tilts his head a little and Sebastian's fingers grab his shoulders, gentle but sure, and suddenly it's like they have been making out for years; their tongues slide _just right_ against each other, Blaine can feel Sebastian's smirk when he moans softly into the kiss and Sebastian's hands tug at his curls just enough to make Blaine's cock twitch.

When Blaine pulls away he is gasping for air and all but sitting on Sebastian's lap, blinking at Sebastian, whose satisfied, _smug_ look is softened by the warm smile that graces his lips.

"Well, that was nice," Sebastian whispers. Blaine nods dumbly, his fingers twitching against Sebastian's neck. Blaine thinks about how sudden and _new_ this is, loving the feeling of stubble under his fingertips as he takes Sebastian's face between his hands and the scent of his cologne – different than in high school, _hotter_, maybe, and more mature, though Blaine isn't sure that makes sense.

"I want more," Blaine grits out when Sebastian's lips move to his jaw. He feels the warm puff of air against his skin as Sebastian gasps silently. "Can I take a shower?"

When he is standing under the hot spray of water he is too busy trying not to panic to really enjoy the shower.

_What the fuck is he doing?_

He wants to call Kurt up. Once he had a _long_ phone conversation with Kurt when he called Blaine up, sounding quite frantic, wondering if it's okay to do it with your classmate's brother on the sixth date and Blaine, of course, had absolutely no idea. So he told Kurt that as long as he feels comfortable and they both want it and they're safe why not? There are no universal rules and it's a good idea to listen to your heart sometimes, or, well, to your cock in this case.

It's not like Kurt could give better advice than this. Well, he would more likely just remind Blaine that _This is Sebastian Smythe! Do you actually remember him, Blaine? He almost blinded you and he wanted you to cheat on me. He is definitely not boyfriend material!_

But maybe Sebastian is; maybe he grew up since high school and Blaine can find out whether this is true or not only if he tries to go out with Sebastian. They are going out now, aren't they?

_I want to be with you too._

It's fine to have sex with your boyfriend. That's what boyfriends do.

Wow. Blaine just met Sebastian in a grocery store one or two hours ago after _years_ and now they are _boyfriends_.

But it's not like they are strangers. It's not like they didn't have a friendship that was _almost_ stronger than betrayals and guilt and lust. It's not like they didn't have months of foreplay already.

Blaine sighs as he pours shower gel into his palm.

Wooing Jeremiah seemed to be an awesome idea too at the time.

But it felt so _good_ kissing Sebastian, so warm and close. It felt right, as cheesy as that sounds. Not in a 'He is the love of my life' way, of course, because Blaine isn't _that_ delusional, simply in an 'I don't want to stop kissing him' way. There were no warning bells ringing in his head when Sebastian's tongue slipped into his month, unlike that time his first date after Kurt grabbed his ass after the first tentative touch of their lips and Blaine almost kicked him in the nuts because it felt so _wrong_. Or that guy, a relative of one of Rachel's friend-cum-rivals, who looked incredibly hot but tasted like smoke, tuna and pineapple jam all at the same time and it was just really, really gross.

He is going to have sex with Sebastian.

And – unless something goes _horribly wrong_ tonight – after that they can go on dates. Sebastian can bring him flowers and they can hold hands walking on the street even if Sebastian scowls and rolls his eyes at how cheesy that is – if Sebastian isn't worried about someone finding out that he is gay, because back in Ohio he wasn't exactly trying to hide it but maybe being a student at Yale and New York is different. Blaine isn't sure.

Wow, they have a lot to find out about each other.

When Blaine steps out the bathroom, wearing Sebastian's slippers and fluffy, super comfortable bathrobe, he is feeling disoriented, nervous and already half-hard. It's almost too much to bear until Sebastian's face breaks into a joyous smile, melting all of Blaine's worries away instantly.

"You are so lovely." Blaine casts his eyes down, his heart fluttering. "I had a fantasy about you exactly like this, maybe more than one. I don't remember what number." Sebastian laughs, just a hint of self-mocking in his tone. "It was almost embarrassing. But it was so much fun too, imagining you in my slippers and bathrobe, your hair wet and droplets of water sliding down your neck, just waiting for me to fuck you into the bed." Blaine whimpers at the words, heat flooding his body. His stomach twists nervously when Sebastian opens his bathrobe, slow enough that Blaine could protest, but he doesn't want to. He watches Sebastian as Sebastian's eyes slide down from his chest to his erection, worried Sebastian – who has probably seen more naked men than a porn star – will be disappointed. But Sebastian just grins softly as the bathrobe falls to the floor and Blaine feels himself relax.

He hugs Sebastian, wraps his arms around his body tight and buries his face into Sebastian's shirt, a button pressed almost painfully against his cheek but Blaine doesn't care. They must look pretty awkward; Blaine wearing only his slippers and Sebastian still fully clothed, but it feel so amazing. It's not like when they pretended to be boyfriends because of Dave's dad, Blaine feeling guilty enjoying Sebastian's scent and warm, solid chest against his back so much. Now _Sebastian_ is his boyfriend and Blaine can freely bask in how well they fit together, Sebastian's arms around his shoulders and his chin resting on the top of Blaine's head.

Maybe they shouldn't have sex tonight, Blaine thinks, suddenly starting to feel ridiculous standing there naked in Sebastian's embrace, his erection wilting a little. Maybe just kissing and hugging is enough for now and then later, after many hours of curled up together on the couch and at least a dozen movie dates and lots of late night phone talks they can actually go all the way.

But then Sebastian presses his mouth against Blaine's and Blaine knows that _yes_, he wants Sebastian to fuck him _right now_.

This is the guy Blaine kind of sexted (but not _really_) and had wet dreams about while he was dating and loving Kurt – but it wasn't _actually_ cheating and there was also the whole Chandler bullshit so even if Kurt knew he wouldn't have any right to be mad at Blaine.

Blaine can't _wait_.

"I want to have sex with you, Sebastian."

In the end it's quite disappointing.

It's great, it really is; Sebastian has the body of an underwear model and a thick and long cock, and he is a considerate lover. He probably wasn't with his one night stands in high school, but with Blaine it's like he cares about more than his own orgasm. He spends a lot of time fingering Blaine open and then tries to distract him from the pain as he slowly pushes into him with his fingers wrapped around Blaine's cock and peppering his face with messy kisses. He waits, fingers trembling in Blaine's curls, until Blaine nods – it hurts, because the last time he actually had a dick inside him was Kurt and sure, he masturbated using his fingers but this is different, _more_. But it's disappointing, because Sebastian doesn't talk to him during it except for asking if Blaine is okay and he doesn't even look at Blaine. He has his face pressed against Blaine's neck, sucking hickeys into his skin as he fucks Blaine steadily and it all feels so good Blaine's arms and legs shake around Sebastian's body and he can't stop the small moans and whimpers falling from his lips. But it feels… _impersonal_.

Blaine gets it; Sebastian isn't used to pet names and sweet compliments during sex and he probably thinks that the kind of often condescending and vulgar filth he used to tell his one night stands isn't what Blaine wants. But there is something _empty_ about it; it's a lot closer to quickly masturbating before dinner because Blaine is starting to have blue balls than to the sweet, intimate lovemaking he used to have with Kurt, where they looked into each other's eyes and told their feelings to each other and sometimes laughed and were silly and sometimes it was more serious but Blaine felt _loved_.

It's not like Sebastian treats him like a dirty whore or anything, it isn't like that at all, but Blaine still feels unsatisfied, even though his orgasm was so powerful he almost screamed into the kiss as he came all over Sebastian's fingers.

He watches Sebastian throw the condom into the bin next to the door and then give Blaine a small, almost unsure smile before closing the bathroom door. Blaine tries not to be upset; Sebastian simply doesn't know yet that Blaine likes to cuddle after sex, that he doesn't like to be left alone lying on the bed waiting for his come to dry on his stomach as his lover takes a shower. Blaine wipes it off with a handkerchief and finds a clean shirt and a boxer, both too big for him, of course, but they are comfortable.

"Can we fall asleep together?" Blaine wonders when Sebastian steps out of the bathroom, looking so hesitant for a moment Blaine accepts that he will have to sleep on the couch – or leave, maybe, and then wait for Sebastian's call. God, they didn't even exchange phone numbers or e-mail addresses yet. But then Sebastian nods and climbs into the bed. Blaine hugs him instantly. Sebastian doesn't push him away, so he guesses it's okay.

"I know you are the more sexually experienced one – I don't know that much; you are my second guy, actually –, but maybe there are things I could teach you. I have more experience with relationships and now that we are boyfriends I could show you a thing or two about, well, how to be boyfriends. And you could show me sex stuff." Blaine laughs quietly, expecting Sebastian to laugh too, but Sebastian remains silent. Blaine can't see his face because he has his head on Sebastian's chest, but he hopes Sebastian is at least smiling. "We are boyfriends, huh? How did this even happen? I sure wouldn't have thought this would happen just this morning. But I'm glad, Sebastian."

"We can talk tomorrow," Sebastian mumbles, his arms tightening around Blaine's body. "I'm too tired now."

* * *

><p>Blaine wakes up and he is alone, the place where Sebastian was sleeping already cold. Blaine rolls onto his side and strains his ears to hear the sound of Sebastian walking around getting ready or making breakfast, but there is nothing but silence. Maybe Sebastian does morning runs like Kurt or maybe he just wanted to buy milk and some vegetables in the grocery. Blaine feels a bit disappointed, because he wanted to walk to Sebastian and give him a 'Good Morning' kiss and watch Sebastian pour coffee into a mug for him and offer to help Sebastian with breakfast. But it is okay, Blaine can wait until Sebastian comes back. They have all the time now, after all.<p>

Blaine opens his eyes, rubbing them with the back of his hands, and finds a small piece of paper on the bedside table next to the lube and the alarm clock.

_We're not boyfriends. Why would you think that? I never agreed to be your boyfriend, neither of us even said the word 'boyfriend'! I thought you were just curious and wanted to get fucked by the guy you were so in lust with back in high school before continuing trying to find your future husband._

_I wouldn't have screwed you if I knew you thought we are going out. Because it was amazing, but you wouldn't have let me screw you if you thought we aren't going out, right? I didn't mean to deceive you and take advantage of you, Blaine, please believe me._

_I made you sandwiches, they are in the fridge, and you can use the coffee machine or drink a beer. Anything you find in the kitchen is yours, take a shower, shave, whatever._

_Please when you leave close the door and put the key under the potted plant, the one with the white flowers and huge leaves._

_Thank you._

_I'm sorry._

_Sebastian_


	11. Chapter 11

The key is under the potted plant.

The sandwiches are gone, only the cheese is on the plate. Sebastian frowns as he closes the fridge, vaguely remembering Blaine talking once about how he is fine with grated cheese on spaghetti, but he usually doesn't like cheese in his sandwich. And he remembers that time he was at Breadstix with Blaine and Santana and Blaine remembered that he is allergic to some sea food or something like that and _shit_, Sebastian should have remembered not to put cheese into Blaine's sandwiches.

Except he shouldn't have; _come on, _it all happened _three years ago_, who the fuck would remember something so completely insignificant?

He shakes his head before walking into the bedroom. God, this is completely ridiculous.

On the bedside table there is a vase Sebastian has never seen before with yellow flowers.

Sebastian rubs his eyes; maybe he is hallucinating. But he never _hallucinates_, not even when he is tipsy or so tired he has to grip the counter as he sips his coffee because otherwise he is sure he would collapse before going back to studying. But it would still make more sense than that the flowers are actually there.

Maybe they are from his mother. Or Dave, perhaps. Sebastian doubts Santana would bother smuggling flowers into his apartment.

They are roses. Sebastian touches a petal carefully; they are real roses, not those tacky plastic ones. They even smell like roses. At least this is how his mother's rose-scented soaps smell.

There is a small piece of paper next to the vase.

_Thank you for the sandwiches, they were delicious (except the cheese). I made myself coffee, but don't worry, I washed the cup. _

_I noticed that there are no flowers in your apartment, so I bought you a bouquet of roses (and a vase because there wasn't a vase on the table and I didn't want to look through your things because it's none of my business what you have in your wardrobe and anyway, who keeps a vase in the wardrobe? Sorry, I digressed). Flowers always cheer me up and make me happy, especially when I wake up and they are the first thing I see so maybe you would like them too, but if you don't you can throw them away, they weren't expensive._

_You know, I thought having sex with you would be better. It wasn't bad per se, just… kind of a letdown._

_Blaine  
><em>

Oh, _wow_, this is _hilarious_.

Sebastian laughs loudly and he feels a bit stupid when he stops because he is all alone in his apartment but what else is he supposed to do?

He expected a long essay about how Sebastian is a lying coward and a terrible human being and he should be ashamed of himself, about how nobody will ever love him and he will die lonely and sad and loathed by everyone. Or maybe a **YOU BASTARD I FUCKING HATE YOU **scribbled on the wall with red marker. Blaine can be overdramatic like that.

Sebastian would have known how to deal with that. Being called an asshole, that isn't anything unfamiliar.

But a thank you for the sandwiches and fucking _roses_?

Sebastian doesn't know what to do with that.

_I thought having sex with you would be better._

If he wants to be honest Sebastian thought so too.

* * *

><p>He fucked Blaine and that's it.<p>

That _should_ be it but Sebastian feels… unsatisfied. Frustrated. Like he had to stop watching a movie just when it started to get interesting.

It's a new and rather annoying feeling. When he has sex with a guy it's over after he zips up his pants and sure, sometimes he still feels a bit curious – _that man had a nice dick too, maybe they could have a second round and this time Sebastian could be the bottom_, for example, but he hardly ever stays. The world is full of men with nice dicks, after all.

But perhaps, maybe, possibly the world isn't full of Blaine Andersons…

"You are not listening to me, Bas."

Sebastian flinches, shifting on the bed and pressing his back against the poster of someone who is either a famous athlete or a gay porn star.

"You were talking about college," Sebastian says. Four out of five times Dave is talking about college.

Dave glares at him before he looks down to continue fiddling with the string of his baseball ball. "I was talking about this guy San said she would introduce to me. But I don't know, I saw some pictures and he is, um… Well, not really my type. But I want to give him a chance because San said he is really nice and…"

"_Dude_," Sebastian interrupts him. "If you think he is fugly why the fuck do you want to give him a chance?"

"He is not _fugly_." Dave throws the ball at him and Sebastian catches it. "He is just not my type, as I said. That doesn't mean others can't find him attractive."

"Well, maybe he should go out with someone who finds him attractive," Sebastian suggests. Dave nods slowly with a thoughtful expression and Sebastian rolls his eyes. "I know there are more important things than looks, but when it comes to boyfriends you have to be, like, blind to deny that looks are one of the most important things."

"Thanks, you boyfriend expert," Dave grins teasingly and Sebastian scowls, nudging Dave's knee with his toes in annoyance. "Seriously, are you still so against trying it out? Trying to be someone's boyfriend? I know this boy, for example, who also wants to be a lawyer and he is really hot and like a head shorter than you. You said you like small guys and he is really small. But his ex-boyfriend said his cock isn't small at all and I know that's also important to you, so… Should I give you his phone number?"

Sebastian sighs heavily and grimaces as he lets his head fall against the wall, hoping he looks frustrated by Dave asking this stupid question _yet again_ and not like he remembers Blaine murmuring _I could show you a thing or two about, well, how to be boyfriends _into Sebastian's chest.

"You always say you want to meet Kurt and Blaine one day," Sebastian begins. Dave stiffens visibly, something like worry shifting in his eyes before his expression turns annoyed.

"Don't change the subject."

Sebastian just smirks and throws the ball back to Dave.

"You know the thing about 'one day'? One day it becomes today."

Which is bullshit, Sebastian knows. 'One day' could mean never too. It usually means never.

"Yeah, but…" Dave puts the ball on the bedside table and leans forward, suddenly serious. "I'm single now. I want them to know that now I'm completely comfortable with my sexuality and I have to have a boyfriend so they can see that I…"

"Excuses," Sebastian scoffs and climbs out of Dave's bed. No fucking way is he wearing Dave's roommate's slippers; that guy has probably more nasty foot fungi than a bathhouse of old geezers. Sebastian is _so_ glad he is living alone. "Look at me! Have you ever met anyone more comfortable with their sexuality? And do I have a boyfriend? Ah, wait... are you still in love with Kurt?"

It's quite difficult to keep a straight face. The idea of someone like Dave being in love with someone like Kurt is just... a little bizarre. But Sebastian knows that actually it's not funny at all. It took Dave years and an evening with lots of alcohol and Sebastian gushing about how glad he is they are so great friends to admit what his relationship with Kurt actually was and Sebastian has the feeling he omitted a few things. The forced kiss and the Valentine's Day presents and confession just before trying to commit suicide were already quite messy and probably very difficult for Dave to tell Sebastian, even with all that cocktail.

"No," Dave says simply, his expression guarded. "I mean… it doesn't matter, it was just a high school… something, but… Well, yes, he was kind of everything I want in a man. I really admired him. You know, after I stopped hating him for daring to be everything I wish I could be. Except the clothes," Dave adds quickly, and Sebastian snickers. "But he really did help me a lot. Just that he was there, it made my life both easier and so much harder at the same time… You know what I mean?"

Sebastian knows. _God_, he knows. Being Blaine's friend in high school, it was the strangest mixture of lovely – the phone talks and Blaine's sweet laughs and Blaine was his first true friend – and horrible – the frustration because he wanted to fuck Blaine _so much_, he had all those fantasies and sometimes it was just really annoying that Blaine couldn't fucking stop chattering about what a great boyfriend Kurt is.

"Call them up," Sebastian says as he grabs the glass full of water. "They would be very happy. Relieved that you are, you know, fine."

_Still alive._

It's still difficult to talk about the suicide attempt; sometimes Sebastian has the feeling always using euphemism makes Dave think Sebastian is worried he still thinks about trying to do it again or something, but Sebastian doesn't want to say the words 'you tried to kill yourself'.

"You are not doing this because you want another chance to get into Blaine's pants, are you? And don't even try to deny you were after him. The whole pretending to be boyfriends shit for dad? No way would anyone go to such lengths to get closer to someone they don't want."

Sebastian laughs as he waters the cactus. It has flowers now, beautiful bright red ones and Sebastian feels something bitter in his chest suddenly as he remembers Blaine asking what color the flowers are.

Sebastian wants to show it to Blaine. He wants to find Blaine and grab his hand and run with him to Dave's room and watch the bright smile on Blaine's face as Blaine whispers _Oh, it's red, wow, it's really lovely_ and he wants to take Blaine's face between his hands and kiss him again like they kissed not even a week ago…

"This is not about what I want from Blaine. This is about you, Dave, and about them. You promised them that you will meet them after high school and I get that whatever feelings still linger inside your heart for Kurt could make things awkward, but they deserve to know that you are happy now. Especially Kurt."

"Right," Dave nods quickly, looking a bit hesitant but when Sebastian puts the glass down and turns to look at Dave he has a small but sure smile on his face. "Thank you, Bas."

* * *

><p>Dave's room is out of question because of his roommate. Sebastian's apartment is tempting if only because the look on Blaine's face would be absolutely priceless if he had to glance at Sebastian's couch and remember their kisses there. But Sebastian isn't sure what Blaine thinks – maybe it doesn't mean anything to him, maybe he is actually <em>really<em> pissed at Sebastian – and inviting him to the place where Sebastian fucked him before kicking him out via a piece of paper would be probably a bit mean.

So they choose Dave's favorite restaurant. Sebastian likes fancier places, but the food is really great here and the music isn't too obnoxious so Sebastian doesn't complain. He contemplates wearing a suit, but then he thinks about that time at Breadstix with Blaine's disappointing lack of swooning and the evening Sebastian had to spend trying to get the fucking red wine out of the fabric.

Kurt hasn't changed that much. His hair looks different – lighter brown, maybe, but Sebastian isn't sure, he doesn't really remember the exact color of Kurt's hair in high school –, his face is a bit more masculine and he's wearing a fur collar and a huge sunflower brooch. Now that Sebastian thinks about it, he is pretty sure Blaine talked about how Kurt wants to be a fashion designer after his dream of getting into NYADA crashed and burned so pathetically (Blaine, of course, used much nicer words).

"Blaine is outside, trying to calm down this stray kitten that was almost hit by our car," Kurt starts, extending his hand and Sebastian shakes it quickly. "You are looking for him, aren't you?"

"No," Sebastian scowls instantly. "Wait, a kitten? _Seriously_?"

Kurt quirks his eyebrows wordlessly, like he doesn't understand why Sebastian would think he is kidding. Well, yeah. If anyone would try to cheer up kittens it would be Blaine.

Blaine is standing just in front of the restaurant, wearing tight, bright green pants that show off his shapely legs and the curve of the ass Sebastian fucked just a week ago and Sebastian has to stop for a moment and close his eyes because _fuck_. Maybe he shouldn't have written that note. Maybe then he could have had sex with Blaine a dozen times in the last week, Blaine riding him into the couch and joining him in the shower and maybe against the wall with his legs around Sebastian's waist and…

"Hey, Sebastian." Sebastian flinches before he curls his lips into a grin and turns to look down at Blaine. Kurt was serious; there really is a small white kitten in his arms. Sebastian is taken aback by how closed Blaine's expression is; polite and just a little cold and hiding _everything_. "Wow, you look different than in high school!"

Sebastian's grin widens.

"Are we going to pretend you didn't beg me to screw you a week or so ago, Blaine?"

That Blaine _still_ remains mostly expressionless except the split second of exasperated grimace is quite impressive. He is a lot greater actor now than in high school. Maybe NYADA is even better than they say.

"I didn't _beg_ you," Blaine says, his voice firm with a touch of condescension that makes Sebastian raise his eyebrows in surprise. "And yes, we are going to pretend. Don't talk about it, don't make innuendos, don't smirk, don't say or do _anything_, okay? I mean you had so many one night stands… what does it matter whether this one happened or not?"

"Nothing," Sebastian shrugs, and _finally_ there is emotion on Blaine's face; a flash of raw hurt in those golden eyes before he looks down at the kitten. Sebastian isn't sure he should be glad or not. Blaine being hurt means he _cares_, but Sebastian doesn't want to hurt him. He never did. He knows Blaine was hurt by him a lot but it was never Sebastian's intention, Sebastian just… well, sometimes his own feelings and goals were more important than Blaine. Isn't that how everybody thinks? Human beings are selfish fucks; that's a fact of life. "What are you going to do with that kitten? You can't bring it into the restaurant."

"Blackmail or threaten the waiters to let me in with her. Or seduce them."

"Her?" Sebastian frowns, deciding to ignore everything else Blaine said.

"Yes," Blaine raises his head to glare at Sebastian. "Do you believe me or do you want me to show you her…"

"Don't," Sebastian interrupts him quickly. "I believe you. Did you also already name it, sorry, _her_?"

Blaine looks like he isn't sure Sebastian is mocking him or he just doesn't know how to keep the conversation going.

"Not yet, but… I have a cat called Courage with Kurt so maybe we could name her after _our_ relationship, how about that? Maybe she could be Deceit or Distrust."

_Oh, very witty_, Sebastian thinks, giving Blaine an unimpressed look before raising his hand and carefully touching the little head of the kitten. It – no, _she_ – purrs, probably contently. The kitten turns her head towards him, looking bored. Sebastian guesses it's better than if she was trying to claw his eyes out. He leans closer and Blaine's scent hits him suddenly; the same cologne he had when they had sex. Sebastian feels so overwhelmed he has to take a step back, his arm falling to his side.

"Or maybe she should be called 'Meeting by chance, jumping into bed and then thinking we are boyfriends even though it makes absolutely no fucking sense and…"

"I would punch you if my hands weren't full," Blaine sneers, glaring up at Sebastian fiercely, somehow managing to be adorable and just a little bit threatening at the same time. "You know what? You are a spineless dick, but of course I shouldn't have expected anything else. In high school you almost _blinded_ me and then didn't even send me a text to apologize! Yes, I made a mistake, I was an idiot, I'm not denying that, I... I shouldn't have… assumed _that_… But you should have _talked_ to me. Do you have any idea how humiliating it was to find that letter?"

Ah, so Blaine _is_ mad at him. Sebastian isn't sure it's only his hurt pride or maybe something more, though.

"I thought it would be even more humiliating if you had to actually talk with me. I was just being nice."

"You were a selfish _coward_!" Blaine spits out viciously and Sebastian glances around quickly, hoping Blaine won't raise his voice too much or slap him or, since his hands are full, kick him in the nuts or something. "Don't you dare to pretend it was about me! You just wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. _You_…" Blaine screws his eyes shut and shakes his head. "I'm leaving. Tell Dave we can meet another time. I would just be the third wheel anyway. Kurt and Dave have to talk about a lot of things that are none of my business."

"I'm sorry, Blaine."

Sebastian isn't exactly sure what he is sorry about. But he knows that if he wants to see and talk and maybe have _something_ with Blaine he has to apologize sooner or later and it's better to just be over with the apology now, isn't it?

Blaine blinks up at him warily.

"You said I should have talked with you. So we should do that. Let's talk. There is a café just a few blocks from here. I will send a text to Dave. Is that okay?"

"You will just make fun of me or humiliate me or…"

"No!" Sebastian shakes his head, not knowing what to say to convince Blaine he doesn't want to hurt him, he just… _fuck_, he has no idea what he wants. "Okay, I… Listen, what exactly did you expect from me? I mean okay, I understand that I maybe should have talked about it with you or whatever, but I… I don't fucking know what to do with a boyfriend! I never had one! And suddenly you were there saying we are boyfriends and we didn't even talk about it, you just… why the fuck would you think we… It makes no sense. You know I'm not that kind of guy!"

"And you know I'm not the kind of guy who would have sex with someone who isn't my boyfriend!" Blaine shoots back. "Or at least I thought you knew."

"I thought you changed! I mean… Come on, people change all the time."

This is _ridiculous_. It isn't Sebastian's fault. It was a misunderstanding, a mistake, yes, they shouldn't have done it, okay, Sebastian can even pretend it never happened if this is what Blaine wants, but he refuses to let Blaine blame him. Sebastian has done many shitty things but this one wasn't… he didn't _mean_ to deceive Blaine.

"Where is that café? I don't think we should have this conversation here."

Sebastian sighs in relief and nods. He sends Dave a quick message – _Going to another place with Blaine. Have fun with Kurt, don't tell him anything compromising about me, not even if it's just a funny anecdote_ – as he starts to walk, Blaine following him silently. They don't talk on the way to the café, but Blaine is busy – or pretends to be busy – with the kitten so it's not that awkward.

"Here we are," Sebastian grins when they arrive to the café, opening the door and gesturing for Blaine to go in first. Blaine gives him a suspicious look, like he isn't sure what to make of Sebastian's gentlemanly behavior, but he does walk in first. "One of the waiters has a crush on a girl who is always with her dogs so they are more lenient when it comes to pets. As long as they don't pee into your coffee."

Blaine laughs. It sounds just like when he laughed after telling Sebastian that he will teach Sebastian things about being a boyfriend while Sebastian can teach him more about sex. It's a really nice sound.

"It's a lovely place! Very elegant. Are the vases _porcelain_?"

Blaine has a small but joyous smile on his face and Sebastian smiles too at that. He knows it's not because of him, that Blaine would smile because of a bouquet of roses or a cookie given by his sworn enemy, but it's still nice, seeing Blaine happy, even if only for a moment.

They find a table in the corner and sit down opposite each other, the kitten curled in Blaine's lap.

"I'm sorry too," Blaine begins, staring at the cake, picking up the fork but not starting to eat yet. "I… I really should have known better. I should have known that when you said you no longer enjoy one night stands you didn't mean you want a boyfriend. I just thought… maybe I wasn't thinking at all. Damn, this is just like it was with Jeremiah, except I was much younger then. We had coffee twice, if I remember correctly, and I assumed there is something between us even though there was nothing."

"I wouldn't say there is _nothing_ between us," Sebastian corrects him before pulling his plate closer.

"What is between us?" Blaine asks seriously, his eyes distrustful.

"I don't know," Sebastian sighs. "I really don't. _I have no idea_. I could have lied and told you I loved you so that we could be boyfriends and I could fuck you a lot, would you have liked that? You said you didn't love me in high school but you had some feelings for me and it's the same with me. I feel _something_ for you but I don't know what and I… Well, I don't think I could be a great boyfriend or that I could ever love anyone or…"

"Of course you could love someone," Blaine tells him gently, his pretty eyes soft and kind and Sebastian isn't sure whether he should be glad Blaine is no longer angrily glaring at him or annoyed because he is pretty sure Blaine is _pitying_ him and Sebastian hates that. "_Everyone_ can love. That you are still there for Dave; that shows that you do care about other people. Even if your friendship started because of his suicide attempt and because you were feeling guilty it's clear you two are great friends now. Dave talked on the phone about how you helped him and everything. Do not think that you…"

"Your coffee will get cold," Sebastian interrupts Blaine because this cheesy pep talk shit is starting to get really obnoxious.

"You will find someone one day, Sebastian. I know you will."

Blaine's meaningless words and this strange little smile, like he doesn't actually believe it but he wants Sebastian to have _hope_ or something like that, it's all so frustrating Sebastian regrets inviting Blaine to the café.

"Stop this," Sebastian shakes his head. "I don't care."

"You want to be lonely for the rest of your life?"

Sebastian almost chokes on his cake. How did this conversation spiral so out of his control?

"Listen, Blaine, I'm young, I don't know anything about romance and I… I want to focus on Yale right now and…"

"And then you will want to focus on your work and you will spend your whole life focusing on your work and you will die with no one at your side."

How did they go from 'spineless dick' to Blaine looking like he feels sorry because he is imagining Sebastian dying all alone, bitter and regretful and wishing he was brave enough all those decades ago to…

_Shit._

Sebastian shakes his head, desperate to change the topic.

"What was with the roses?" Sebastian asks, watching Blaine lick whipped cream off his lips before shrugging.

"I wanted to have some dignity." Blaine doesn't look angry, but there is something _miserable_ about him, about the way he avoids looking at Sebastian and his lips twist into a bitter, self-deprecating smile for a moment. "I thought it would be less pathetic if I pretended not to care, if I pretended not to be hurt. I wanted you to think it didn't matter to me. But you were my second man and it did mean something to me. I had other boyfriends but I felt like we never, you know, worked together or I don't know and we had dates and I even made out with them, but I didn't go all the way with any of them. I didn't have _anyone_ after Kurt until you and… I… I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I guess it's not like I can humiliate myself even more, so..."

Blaine falls silent.

"Yes?" Sebastian asks, trying not to show how curious he is.

Blaine doesn't answer instantly. He takes his time eating his small piece of cake, glancing around the café like the people sitting at the tables are the most interesting things ever and Sebastian starts to get actually uncomfortable. Is Blaine _ignoring_ him?

"Well," Blaine begins after he swallows. "I had dreams about you in high school. _That_ kind of dreams. Not very often, but…" There is a blush on Blaine's cheeks now and it's probably the most adorable thing Sebastian has ever seen. "But there was more. I thought, _sometimes_, that maybe if I didn't have Kurt and maybe if things would be different, like if you weren't such an asshole and everything, maybe we could go out… And I saw that you were trying to be a better person after what happened to Dave. Even Kurt and Santana saw it. So when we met in the grocery store and I went home with you, I thought that… well, I'm no longer Kurt's boyfriend, you are not into one night stands anymore and I didn't know at that time that you are still Dave's friend but I thought you are more mature now, not such a dick and everything. And I thought… well, we already had a friendship and all that sexual tension and since all the reasons we couldn't even _try_ a relationship are now out of the way why not give it a chance? If we break up a few days later, well, we break up. That's okay. But at least we tried."

"You make it sound simpler than it is," Sebastian laughs. "I wouldn't be a good boyfriend, believe me. Not even for a few days."

"Oh god, _no_, I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend!" Blaine tells him, sounding almost panicked. Sebastian frowns in confusion. "I'm just telling you why I thought we _are_ boyfriends. Making excuses for my dumb behavior. It was stupid and arrogant of me to think that you think just like I do. Sometimes I jump to conclusions and don't think stuff through. I respect that you don't want to be my boyfriend, _anyone's_ boyfriend right now."

"Okay," Sebastian says. "I understand. It's cool. Misunderstandings happen all the time."

Blaine nods, giving Sebastian a not very honest looking smile before raising the cup to his lips. When he lowers it he licks his lips and Sebastian's breath hitches as he thinks about how those lips sliding against his own felt and if they were boyfriends he could kiss Blaine right now. He would taste like coffee and sugar and the artificial flavor of orange jelly.

"I wasn't _bad_," Sebastian scowls, lowering his voice a little. "Do you think I'm such an idiot I would believe I was a _letdown_ when your only other lover ever was _Kurt Hummel_?"

"I'm not saying you were bad." Blaine snickers loudly, like he is terribly amused, like what Sebastian said was just _so_ hilarious. "But with Kurt it was… ah, you wouldn't understand." Blaine makes a dismissive motion with his hand. "You know what?" Blaine whispers, leaning closer like he is telling Sebastian a secret. "Yeah, your cock was a bit longer and thicker than his. But you were still _nothing_ compared to him."

Sebastian is left speechless and he doesn't remember the last time that happened.

It isn't supposed to be like this.

When they first met, the first time he saw Blaine Anderson in that ridiculously cute gray sweater Sebastian thought he will have Blaine bent over for him in a few days at most and that's it, he can tick the name of the famous ex-leader of the Warblers who was dumb enough to leave Dalton for a public school boy off the list (not that Sebastian knows most of his one night stands' names, of course).

It was supposed to be a victory. And it is, he guesses, but it feels empty somehow.

And Sebastian doesn't feel smug. Not only did Blaine not choose him instead of Kurt but had sex with him _after_ his break-up with Kurt, but he told him Sebastian wasn't as good as Kurt. And yeah, maybe it was just a lie to humiliate Sebastian like Sebastian humiliated Blaine with the letter, but somehow it doesn't feel like a lie.

Blaine sips his coffee like he doesn't have a care in the world, smiling sweetly down at the kitten.

"It was disappointing for me too, actually," Sebastian tells Blaine, half because he feels petty and half because it _was_ disappointing and maybe talking about it would make this nagging feeling in the back of his mind disappear, like it wasn't supposed to be like this and _why_ is it like this. Blaine glances up questioningly. He doesn't seem to be hurt or even surprised. "I had a lot of fantasies about you, I spent a lot of time masturbating thinking about scenarios where I had sex with you, and the truth is that you were exactly like every other guy I had. Okay, no, that's not true. You didn't try to bite my ears off and there was no annoying dirty talk, so it was better than some of the others, but it wasn't the _best_. It was just so… _ordinary_."

"Of course it was," Blaine scoffs. "Why did you expect it to be anything different when you treated me like all your other one night stands?"

"I did not treat you like that! I wouldn't bring my one night stands to my apartment, let them take a shower there and cuddle with them and fall asleep with them in my arms!"

Blaine looks taken aback.

Sebastian remembers how Blaine looked when Sebastian woke up; the slightly open lips he kissed so many times last night and the adorable tousled curls he grasped as he fucked Blaine. And _of course_ Blaine looked so fucking sweet and _comfortable_ in Sebastian's bed, like he _belonged_ there or some sentimental bullshit like that that made Sebastian's blood run cold.

Maybe this is what Blaine thought while he was sleeping; that he belongs there now, in Sebastian's bed, next to Sebastian, because they are _boyfriends_ now.

"What should we do?" Blaine sighs and Sebastian draws his eyebrows together; he doesn't understand the question. "Kurt once told me – after he found out he didn't get into NYADA – that sometimes he feels like every time anything good happens to him, every time he succeeds in something it's like something horrible has to happen soon. And this _something_ between us, Sebastian, it's like that too. We apologize and forgive and try to be honest with each other and become friends _again_, give each other, give _us_ a chance _again_, and then there is a misunderstanding or something, one of us is selfish and stupid and the other gets hurt but he is too proud so he tries to hurt the other too and we push each other away _again_. It's like we can never get it right. I thought now that we are out of high school maybe it could work but…"

"You make it sound so overdramatic," Sebastian says, but he gets what Blaine means. It really is like that. He watches Blaine roll his eyes and suddenly it hits him that he doesn't want to let go of this man. Not until it's sure they really, one hundred percent sure wouldn't work. "But you know, maybe we are more mature now. Okay, yeah, we didn't really act mature with you thinking we are boyfriends and my letter wasn't very grown-up either, but still."

"Still what?" Blaine wonders.

"Let's give it another chance."

Blaine opens his mouth, his eyes widening in shock.

"I don't _trust_ you," Blaine hisses and Sebastian fights the urge to roll his eyes. Does Blaine want to be boyfriends with him or not? Probably Blaine himself is just as confused as Sebastian is. "This is one of the many reasons our friendship didn't work, Sebastian. Not just because of the unresolved sexual tension and because Kurt was my boyfriend and this frustrated you. But because not being able to trust someone close to you is really tiring."

Sebastian glances at Blaine's hand resting next to his empty cup and he hesitates only for a moment before taking it between his own hands. Blaine gasps loudly but he doesn't pull his hand away. Sebastian raises Blaine's hand to his lips and kisses the back of his hand. Maybe it's a bit bold, but Sebastian is not the kind of person who likes to play it safe when it comes to guys. And _come on_, they fucked; a hand kiss surely isn't pushing their boundaries _too much_.

"You trusted me enough to let me fuck you and think we are boyfriends," Sebastian reminds him, almost not able to stop the smug smirk when Blaine groans in exasperation and twists his hand out of Sebastian's grasp.

"That was before your note. And you said you don't want a boyfriend," Blaine tells him, his hand hovering awkwardly in the air before he takes his cup into his hand and raises it to his lips, laughing quietly at himself when he realizes there is no coffee left. "I'm not doing the fuck buddies or friends with benefits thing."

"Let's be boyfriends," Sebastian says. "If it doesn't work we can just break up, like you said."

"If you are doing this because you want to show me you are better than Kurt and you know the only way I would let you fuck me is if we are boyfriends…"

"I'm not!" Sebastian isn't sure how to continue. _I wrote the note because I thought being with you would be too much hassle, I wouldn't have enough time for you with Yale and Dave and Santana and trying to avoid my mom and I don't want to hurt you and it's inevitably going to happen if we are boyfriends because that's the kind of person I am but you always forgive me for every shitty thing I do and I'm sorry if I'm taking advantage of your huge heart but I'm selfish and I want to spend more time with you _doesn't seem to be the wisest thing to say. "I kind of… wasn't exactly thinking straight when I wrote that letter. You are not the only one who doesn't think stuff through. Why do you think Dave called Kurt up a week after we met? I was the one who told him he should finally do it because, well, _I_ didn't have _your_ phone number anymore. And I couldn't stop thinking about you and what a fucking mistake letting you go was, but I was… you are right, I'm a coward and I couldn't admit that it's because of you. And anyway, I thought keeping what happened that night a secret from everyone would be the best thing to do. Not because I was ashamed of it, quite the opposite, actually, but because I thought you would be. And I was right, wasn't it?"

"Okay, let's be boyfriends." Blaine says it with such a complete lack of enthusiasm or joy that Sebastian is almost hurt. "But it's going to be our secret. At least for a while. Like a month. Or maybe two. If we break up before that our relationship clearly wasn't strong enough that it's worthy of telling about it to other people."

"You are worried Kurt is going to think the reason you instantly agreed to go out with me after not seeing me for years is that we had something in high school behind his back and that's why you want to keep it a secret for a while."

For a few seconds it looks like Blaine wants to deny it, but then he just sighs, briefly closing his eyes.

"Fine, yeah… that too."

* * *

><p>"You kept my flowers?" Blaine asks as he puts the kitten carefully down Sebastian's couch. Sebastian tries not to cringe but the very idea of an animal in his apartment makes him shiver in dread. He <em>loves<em> that couch, he doesn't even let Dave drink beer there and if that fucking kitten poops on it or something Sebastian will kick her out faster than Blaine could pout and beg him not to.

"Well, they are new because you gave the flowers to me a week ago," Sebastian says, walking to the couch and sitting down next to Blaine.

"Obviously, smartass," Blaine rolls his eyes but his small smile is fond. "You know if you really want flowers in your apartment maybe you should buy potted ones. They last much longer."

"Maybe," Sebastian smiles back absent-mindedly, wondering if he should mention to Blaine that Dave's cactus is still alive. Maybe it should be a surprise one day. Which is very silly, Sebastian knows, but it's something Blaine would like, probably, so really, why not? "By the way, why yellow? It's not a very usual color."

Blaine snuggles a bit closer, his thigh pressed against Sebastian's. It seems that he wants to rest his head on Sebastian's shoulder, but then he changes his mind. "Red means romance, you would think pink is too feminine, white is for weddings and blacks is the color of grief and death. And I didn't want something like blue or green. So yellow."

Sebastian hums in understanding. Blaine makes a small sound of surprise and Sebastian looks down to see the kitten climbing into Blaine's lap.

"You know maybe she has a family or something? She seems to be really clean."

"I will try to find them but if I can't she will have to stay with us. I think Courage would like to have a little buddy too." Blaine laughs when the kitten starts to claw his sweater. "Are you hungry? I'm sure Sebastian has something very delicious in his fridge." His sweet grin turns into a pout when he glances up at Sebastian.

"There is ketchup and some cheese and I think Dave left half his beer there last night and maybe, um, there is possibly an apple there. Maybe some eggs too."

Blaine glares at him and Sebastian shrugs. "What? I had no idea you will bring a kitten here! I don't even know what they eat! You should have bought some lasagna or something on the way home!"

"_Lasagna_?" Blaine splutters, quite indignant. "Real cats are not Garfield! You _really_ don't know _anything_? I need to give you a few courses. First: How To Be A Decent Boyfriend. Second: How Not To Kill Cats. Third: How To Have Food Normal People Have In Their Fridge."

Sebastian laughs, feeling both offended and happy Blaine feels comfortable enough to joke like this with him. The kitten, apparently deciding she won't get food from Blaine, clumsily climbs into Sebastian's lap.

"What if she needs to pee or something?" Sebastian asks. "I'm wearing expensive jeans."

"Well, Courage once vomited on Kurt's super important essay about the fashion of European aristocracy in the seventeenth century or maybe the eighteenth, I don't remember anymore. Compared to _that_ it wouldn't be _that_ bad."

"Why didn't he just print it again?" Sebastian wonders, wanting to shift on the couch before realizing the kitten is in his lap.

"Because he has this really old and conservative professor and he only accepts it when it's handwritten."

Sebastian grimaces. _Geez_, that must suck.

He feels Blaine's hand brush the side of his face and he turns towards Blaine. He gasps in surprise against Blaine's lips. Sebastian grins before his tongue flickers out, feeling Blaine's closed lips tremble. He wasn't sure Blaine would want to have sex with him again and he is _really_ pleasantly surprised.

"That's it for today," Blaine whispers as he leans back, smiling. "I was thinking and I came to the conclusion that one of the reasons we were both disappointed was that we went all the way too soon, too suddenly. We should be slower this time. We should spend time doing other stuff too, not just have sex. Like going on dates, having conversations, stuff like that. I didn't go from first kiss to first fuck with Kurt on the same day either. So we should start with just kisses, and then we can, I don't know, make out with our shirts off, and then we can touch each other's ass too, and then we can be completely naked, then jerk each other off with our hands and I'm not sure how you feel about blowjobs, I think in high school you were not a big fan but if you want to we can do it too and then when we both feel like we are ready we can do the actual penetration. This sounds good, right?"

_Well._

This could mean that maybe he will get to actually fuck Blaine only _months_ later.

What he is thinking must be written clearly on his face because Blaine's smile slips off his face and an unsure, slightly worried look takes its place.

"I know you are not used to this. I know it was different with your other guys. If you don't want to do this then we should just break up right now. If being my boyfriend would only worth it if you got to fuck me instantly then you can just…"

"No, Blaine, it's not like that," Sebastian starts, pressing a quick kiss against the angry curve of Blaine's lips before leaning back. "It's okay. We can do this." _Or try to do this_, Sebastian thinks, but he doesn't say it out loud.

He isn't even sure the whole idea makes any sense. But maybe it does. Blaine knows a lot more about this boyfriend thing than Sebastian, after all.

"Okay. Yeah, let's try this. We will just stop if it doesn't work." Blaine turns away from him. "It's not like we have anything to lose, right?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry it took me so long to write this chapter OTL I was kind of stuck with it and I had many ideas but wasn't sure which one to use. Let me just say that I think Blaine cheating on Kurt is a really cheap, unnecessary and dumb way to create drama. But it did inspire me.**

* * *

><p>Blaine almost buys a bouquet of purple lilacs for Sebastian.<p>

Because they are boyfriends now, purple lilacs are beautiful (much more than the white ones) and their meaning is 'first emotion of love', and Blaine thinks it would be fitting, kind of, maybe. He isn't in love with Sebastian, not yet, and maybe he will never be, but… Blaine does feel _something, _and he thinks that something _could_ become love one day.

But what if Sebastian doesn't enjoy getting flowers? And last time Blaine gave him flowers he did it thinking he won't see Sebastian ever again because Sebastian fucked him and then kicked him out of his apartment, out of his _life_ without even speaking to him. Blaine remembers sitting on the edge of an unfamiliar bed that belonged to a man Blaine couldn't decide was a friend or a stranger or something in-between – _not_ his boyfriend –, reading that goddamned piece of paper as his hands trembled and his eyes welled up with tears.

So Blaine changes his mind when the woman behind the counter smiles at him and – because leaving without buying anything wouldn't be polite – he asks for a sandwich.

His sandwich has some kind of special flavor that is so awful he can't force himself to take more than a few bites, and he throws it away just when it starts to rain.

When Blaine arrives to Sebastian's apartment he is soaked to the bone. He feels cold raindrops run down his face as he pushes a hand into his wet curls – god, he must look like a hosed off puppy, _great_ – and he presses his lips together as his teeth start chattering.

"Wow," Sebastian says as he opens the door, his eyes sliding up and down Blaine's body, watching Blaine shiver on his doormat. Blaine glares at Sebastian. "Hello there. You look like you wouldn't mind a cup of warm fruit tea or a scorching hot bubble bath."

"I would kill for them," Blaine corrects him, sighing in relief as Sebastian takes a step back and gestures for Blaine to come inside. The warmth of the apartment feels just as nice as the embrace of a loved one, and Blaine knows that's super cheesy, but it really does feel _so great_.

Sebastian gives Blaine a towel and a bathrobe before he disappears into the kitchen. Blaine is glad he can get rid of his clothes without Sebastian gawking at him shamelessly. He is also grateful at least his underwear is not wet, because bathrobe or not he really wouldn't be comfortable without it.

Blaine tries not to think about the fact that Sebastian does know how he looks naked, because Sebastian actually _had sex with him._

"Here is your tea." Blaine walks into the kitchen, nodding gratefully as he takes the cup from Sebastian. He closes his eyes in bliss when the gentle warmth and the scent of the tea reach his nose.

Blaine carefully takes a sip of the tea, grimacing not because it is too hot but because it tastes _so_ bitter. "Could you add some sugar? Like, two spoons? Or three, even?"

Sebastian raises his eyebrows like he isn't sure Blaine is serious. Blaine shrugs. "What? I like sweet things."

"Oh, I like them too," Sebastian says as he takes the cup from Blaine, voice teasing in a way that is playful instead of seductive. It makes Blaine blush not in embarrassment or lust but in pure joy.

Blaine watches Sebastian look for a spoon, feeling his lips curl into a giddy grin as he finally has the chance to take in Sebastian's appearance. Sebastian looks _lovely_. He's wearing black sweatpants – hanging so low on his hips it is clear Sebastian isn't wearing anything under them and Blaine feels his mouth go dry as he tries not to think about how he wrapped his legs around those hips – and a simple white shirt.

"Let me warn you that this _will_ rot your teeth. Want me to start a bath for you?"

Blaine shakes his head. "I'm fine. But thank you."

Blaine doesn't even remember the rain anymore, or that awful sandwich, or why he didn't buy flowers. He doesn't care that his hair is still wet and that his clothes are lying on the floor. He forgets about Sebastian's letter, about his lies and betrayals in that moment. It's like Blaine is in a bubble made of the warmth of Sebastian's apartment and the sweetness of the tea and the way Sebastian's bathrobe is so soft and comfortable, even if it is, of course, too big for Blaine. And Sebastian's smile, unquestionably _honest_ and sweeter than the tea. It makes Blaine feel warmer than any bath could. It's the kind of smile that could make Blaine forget about the coldest winter or the most horrible storm.

"Maybe we should dry your hair after the tea?"

"Sure," Blaine nods. "That would be great."

Sebastian's soft little smile is still on his lips, and Blaine want to kiss him. But he doesn't, because then the smile would disappear and a kiss could all too easily destroy this so nice but so very fragile atmosphere. Sebastian is silent, and he is looking at Blaine, but it isn't the staring that so often made Blaine feel both flustered and uncomfortable in high school. Blaine can't really explain it. It's like Sebastian knows that now he can gaze at Blaine without having to worry Blaine will tell him he shouldn't because _I have a boyfriend, okay?_

When Blaine is finished with his tea he puts the cup down onto the counter, thinks absent-mindedly that he feels warmer inside. Sebastian steps closer to him and without any question takes Blaine's face between his hands. There is a little moment when Blaine knows Sebastian is waiting for him to slap his hands off his face or step away, but Blaine instead simply grins up at Sebastian, heart swelling as he nuzzles against Sebastian's big and warm hands. Sebastian doesn't wink or smirk at Blaine, just looks into Blaine's eyes, his expression open and honest, like he wants to show Blaine that this time he isn't trying to hide anything. Blaine feels even warmer inside. Sebastian's fingers twitch against his face, and if this was anyone but Sebastian Blaine would think he is nervous, but surely _Sebastian_ wouldn't be nervous about _kissing_ someone.

Blaine already knows at least kissing works for them, even if the sex part doesn't really, at least not yet, so he lets his eyes close as their lips touch. It's not fireworks or earthquakes but something more like a summer afternoon with the sun warming his face. Blaine presses closer with his whole body as Sebastian's mouth opens for him, and grabs a handful of Sebastian's shirt, his fingers twisting the fabric. Blaine sighs into the kiss as Sebastian's fingers push into his curls, shivering half because a stray raindrop slides down the back of his neck and half because Sebastian's tongue brushes against his own in a way that goes straight to Blaine's dick.

He tries to shift away without Sebastian noticing; they are not ready yet. Blaine slips a hand into Sebastian's shirt, digging his nails into the small of his back, hoping that will make Sebastian distracted enough not to notice that Blaine's hips are no longer touching him. His thumb catches Sebastian's sweatpants and Blaine almost groans because _fuck_, Sebastian isn't wearing anything under it, and Blaine could slip his hand right in and touch his skin, slide a finger between his cheeks, down until he finds the rim of his hole, and Sebastian would roll his hips into his touch and _god_, why are they not ready?

"It's like licking sugar," Sebastian grimaces after he pulls away, his lips twisting into an annoyed but also clearly fond smile. Blaine wants to shoot something witty back, but then Sebastian's fingers curl around his wrist gently.

"Come on, let's dry your hair."

Sebastian has freckles, and it's not like Blaine has never noticed them before, but this time he is _really_ looking at Sebastian, not because he wants to find any emotion that would help him understand Sebastian's intentions. But simply because Sebastian is standing right in front of Blaine, he is Blaine's _boyfriend_, and Blaine can just _look_ at him, at his bangs and his nose and his eyebrows and his breathtaking green eyes.

Sam told him once, in their senior year, that life is like stargazing. That you know there are stars, and you know they are pretty, but you can understand their true beauty only if you take your time to learn every constellation, because the most important things are the details. The tiny little things matter the most.

Blaine wonders, as he climbs onto Sebastian's bed – and tries not to think about the fact that they _fucked_ here – and settles between Sebastian's legs with his back to Sebastian that maybe he is somehow really drunk, or maybe he is dreaming, or maybe Sebastian put something into his tea.

He shouldn't enjoy being with Sebastian so much.

He should be wary, and uncomfortable, and resent Sebastian for that horrible piece of paper, for humiliating him like that, and for his stupid comments when they met again.

_…jumping into bed and then thinking we are boyfriends even though it makes absolutely no fucking sense and…_

"You have so much hair," Sebastian says, turning on the hair dryer. "I can't believe you hid it all under your hair gel in high school. I didn't mind it, but I didn't know you have these curls…" Sebastian pushes his fingers into Blaine's curls. It feels nice, Sebastian's hand in his hair, and if Blaine was a cat he is pretty sure he would be purring in contentment.

"My hair was shorter then." Blaine shifts a little to get more comfortable, speaking louder to make sure Sebastian hears him. "I'm glad you like it. I like your hair with the bangs better too. It makes you… I dunno. More… human."

Sebastian snorts and Blaine blushes in embarrassment. Okay, maybe that wasn't the best word he could have chosen.

"What was I like before? A demon? A cyborg?"

"I just meant… More _humane_, okay? That's what I meant. Less of a, you know, douchebag."

It's stupid, Blaine knows. He wishes he could take his words back.

Sebastian turns the hair dryer off and puts it on the bedside table.

"Can I hug you?" Sebastian asks. Blaine wonders why he is asking for permission; _of course_, aren't they boyfriends, after all? But then Blaine remembers telling Sebastian that they have to take it slow, the whole sex thing, and Blaine feels happiness fill his heart as he nods.

Sebastian does care. He cares about Blaine, about _them_, about this relationship. He wants this to work too.

Sebastian wraps his arms around him from behind, and it's clear that he isn't used to having his arms around someone he can't fuck right there and then. Sebastian has absolutely no idea what to do with his hands; his thumb brushes against Blaine's nipple under the bathrobe accidentally and he quickly pulls his hand away.

Blaine can't help but laugh, and then he feels a bit bad because he doesn't want Sebastian to think he is laughing _at_ him.

"Come on, let's spoon, it's more comfortable that way," Blaine suggests, already lying down and pulling Sebastian with him. "I'll be the little spoon."

It's different than spooning with Kurt, but Blaine didn't expect it to be the same. Sebastian doesn't smell like Kurt, for one. Sebastian isn't wearing his cologne, which Blaine misses a little but he is also glad, because there are too many intimate memories the smell could conjure up in his mind. And they don't melt against each other so perfectly like Blaine and Kurt used to, which of course isn't surprising, because it took them _years_ to be able to be completely comfortable with each other.

(At least in the bed.)

Blaine wriggles restlessly until they fit together like two puzzle pieces, Sebastian draped over the curve of Blaine's back, Blaine's ass against Sebastian's groin – Sebastian doesn't have an erection pressed between his cheeks, so Blaine guesses it is properly not sexual like this. He knows they shouldn't rush anything if they want this relationship to work, but hugging, cuddling, spooning, these are okay. These are more than okay.

"You're super tense," Blaine murmurs. "Relax. If every muscle in your body is hard you can't…"

Sebastian snickers loudly against his shoulder and Blaine rolls his eyes.

"You are such a teenager," Blaine groans. "The point of cuddling is that you have to be _there_. Not just your body, your thoughts too… You can't think about anything but the person you are cuddling with. It's just the feel of their body, like… like jumping into water, you know? The water is everywhere around you, there is nothing else and you are _there_. Did any of this make sense?"

"Not really," Sebastian drawls. "Can we at least talk?"

"About what?"

"I don't know," Sebastian shrugs. They lie there together in silence for a minute or two, but it isn't comfortable; both of them are waiting for the other to say something. "You… I still don't understand, why did you think we are boyfriends? I don't remember ever telling you in high school that I would be your _boyfriend_."

Blaine tries not to sigh loudly. He doesn't want these questions. Can't they just forget about it, pretend it didn't happen? Blaine isn't bringing up that time Sebastian almost _fucking blinded him_ either, why can't Sebastian just let this go?

"I'm not mocking you, okay?" Sebastian whispers, his arms tightening around Blaine's body. Blaine smiles bitterly; as if he didn't have enough reason to think Sebastian is doing exactly that. "I'm just asking because I want to understand what you think about me and about this relationship, so that I know better how to, you know, treat you and what to do and what not to do."

_Oh._

"Well, I thought you wouldn't try so hard to be my friend if you didn't care about me. And it was pretty obvious that you wanted to screw me. So I thought… what we had in high school…"

What did he and Sebastian have in high school? There was attraction, but so what? They were friends, but Blaine was friends with basically everyone at least a little bit. That phone talk and those few messages that made Blaine feel so guilty and awful and unable to look Kurt in the eye every time he thought about them most likely meant absolutely nothing to Sebastian.

"Okay," Sebastian breaks the silence. "Okay."

Blaine isn't sure what is okay, but the way Sebastian says it, soft and warm, makes Blaine feel better and he relaxes in Sebastian's embrace.

And then everything crashes down around Blaine.

It's like in those movies; the ex-secret agent decided to live with a family in the suburbs, but one sunny day just after the kids leave for school an ex-colleague knocks on his door because they need him to, like, save the world, and he has to go back to living the dangerous, terrible life he wanted so hard to forget.

But there's glory in that, at least, in saving the world, so it's more like the ex-secret agent's kids are kidnapped by the bad guys, or something like that.

Sebastian is the one who brings it back, even though Kurt is the catalyst.

Kurt calls, asks if Sebastian is there, and Blaine thinks he wants to talk to Sebastian about Dave, because really, what else could they talk about?

Sebastian takes the phone from him with a confused look as Blaine mouths 'It's Kurt'.

"No, no, we didn't." There is a furrow between Sebastian's brows and he glances at Blaine, puzzled. Blaine arches his eyebrows silently. "We didn't fuck, whoa, Kurt, why would you think that? We just met again after _years_. Don't you know that Blaine needs, like, trust and a boyfriend and love and shit like that to be able to fuck someone? Or kiss someone. Or hold hands with someone."

Blaine can't hear Kurt, but he can see Sebastian's eyes widen. He ends the call and there is this strange, unpleasant look on his face that is half disgusted, half amused, and Blaine's stomach twists.

"You cheated on Kurt." Sebastian laughs like this is the funniest thing he has ever heard. He glances down at the phone in his hand, like he is waiting for Kurt to call again and tell him he is just fucking with Sebastian.

"I didn't cheat on him." Blaine's voice doesn't break, he doesn't stutter.

Because this is the truth. He didn't, okay?

"You didn't?" Sebastian asks with a smile. It's a cold smile, and Blaine doesn't know what to do with it. Surely Sebastian Smythe of all people can't be mad at Blaine for cheating. Even though Blaine didn't _actually_ cheat. "Do you think Kurt would lie about you cheating? You two are not even dating anymore and he is too proud to use such a nasty trick to drive a wedge between us, especially since he doesn't even know there is anything between us. Hey, _I_ was too proud to use such a nasty trick _in high school_ and I photoshopped Finn Hudson's face onto the body of a guy in high heels to win a show choir competition!"

"Kurt does think I cheated on him. But I didn't."

Blaine knows how absurd it sounds. He looks away, but he quickly turns back, because he doesn't want to seem like he has something to hide. Blaine doesn't have anything to hide.

"I'm listening," Sebastian makes a gesture with his hands that seems kind of condescending and leans back against the headboard, crosses his arms in front of his chest, tilts his head up to look at Blaine, waiting for him to begin. Blaine feels stage fright, which is utterly ridiculous, because Blaine is in NYADA and this is just Sebastian.

Blaine almost spits out 'You want some popcorn?', but instead he quickly stands up – he can't stay sitting on the bed – and starts to speak, trying to keep his voice level and calm.

"At the beginning of my senior year I was… _alone_, without Kurt. It's shameful, really, looking back, but… I kind of forgot how to live without him, how to be someone who isn't Kurt's boyfriend. I know it sounds pathetic. But I got so used to him always being there. I transferred to be with him, you know? And then he is in New York, and I did spend a lot of time trying to get ready for that last year and during the summer, but I _couldn't_. I told him he is destined for much greater things than Lima, but…"

It's difficult to talk about this. There is already a small lump in his throat that he knows will only get bigger and bigger as he forces himself to go on.

It's like walking down into the basement where the lights don't work and trying to find your way only with the help of your memory, except you don't _want_ to remember, because you know the basement is full of rats and spiders and all sort of horrible terrible awfulness.

"But I wasn't expecting Kurt to ignore my calls and be too busy to talk to me. I felt like I was thrown away, because Kurt had better things now, he had New York, his new school, a whole new life, what if he found a new boy too? There were no actual signs of that but I wasn't thinking rationally at that time. And then I met this random guy on Facebook and we…"

"You had sex with a _stranger_?" Sebastian interrupts him, sounding outright offended. "I thought he was, like, one of your friends. A random guy on Facebook? _Really_?"

Well, isn't that fucking rich coming from Sebastian.

"I didn't have sex with him!" Blaine sneers. "Okay? He was kind of flirty, yes, but that was it. And maybe it felt a bit good, because Kurt was too busy to compliment me or to even acknowledge my existence." _And you weren't there either_, Blaine thinks, but he swallows that down. "He had a lighthouse as his picture, and I thought _wow, what a hipster_, but really, I don't know _anything_ about him. I don't even remember his name. I don't think he told me, actually. I just needed someone to talk to, someone who doesn't know Kurt, someone who would listen to me without taking Kurt's side. There was no one I could talk to, because everyone would have said – and they would have been _right_, which was the worst thing about it – that I should just be a bit more patient, that I shouldn't be selfish, because Kurt is trying to make his future in New York, it's completely understandable he doesn't have as much time for me as he used to have. So I just wanted to talk with someone, okay? And maybe it crossed my mind, for a moment or two, what if I cheated on Kurt. But I didn't. I just wondered… what would Kurt do, if he found out I cheated on him because he left me behind? Would that hurt for him as much as it hurts for me? Would he listen to me _then_, would he finally pay attention to me if I told him I cheated on him?"

If he heard this from someone else Blaine would slap the bastard. If he could go back in time he would slap his younger self. He knows it sounds horrible, and so childish and messed up.

Perhaps actually cheating wouldn't have been any worse than that.

"Kurt was too busy with college and he couldn't spend all his time chatting with you, so you thought telling him you cheated on him would help?" Sebastian sounds torn between being lost and well and truly entertained. "Blaine, I know you can be dumb but… It doesn't matter how lonely and unhealthily co-dependent you were, telling your boyfriend you _cheated_ on him wouldn't have helped your relationship. It could have destroyed it and there is no way you didn't realize this. You're fucking _lying_, Blaine. This is nonsense. Bullshit. I know how much you both cared about loyalty and being faithful and whatever the fuck, and there's no way you would have said something like that, something you _knew_ could end the relationship you say you wanted to save, just because Kurt was too busy to blabber with you every evening."

Blaine sighs, rubbing his jaw before pinching the bridge of his nose, his eyes finding a photo of the Grand Canyon (or something similar to the Grand Canyon, Blaine isn't an expert) on the wall. He lets his mind leave the conversation for only a moment, lets himself wonder about that picture; is it just something Sebastian's mother bought him because she wanted the apartment to look less barren, or is it a souvenir, perhaps, something Sebastian bought in the Grand Canyon itself (if it _is_ the Grand Canyon), drinking iced tea and wiping his sweaty forehead with the back of his hand, squinting because of the blinding sun?

Does Sebastian enjoy adventures like that? Or would he laugh at Blaine and tell him he has better things to do?

If life, as Sam said, is like learning astronomy then Blaine doesn't even know the Milky Way of Sebastian yet.

"So, Blaine?"

Blaine flinches, turns back to look at Sebastian.

Blaine still doesn't know what to say.

He knows it all sounds awfully flimsy, but isn't the very idea of Blaine actually cheating on Kurt even more unbelievable?

"I don't know," Blaine whispers, and the lump in his throat gets bigger, makes it difficult to breathe. "I don't remember."

"How do you know you didn't have sex with Whatshisface if you don't remember?"

And there it is, the million dollar question.

"Because I'm not that kind of guy."

It doesn't sound like the unquestionable truth it seemed to be a few months before Blaine finally _really_ broke up with Kurt. There was this car wash guy flirting with Kurt, Kurt flirted back and Blaine got annoyed, and Kurt told him 'You _cheated_ on me, you have no right to get mad at me for _talking_ with another guy'. Blaine didn't say anything then, but later, lying on Rachel's couch Blaine tried to remember that time he cheated on Kurt, and he _couldn't_. He remembered talking with that other boy on Facebook, and he remembered going to New York, giving Kurt a bouquet of roses and Blaine doesn't remember the exact words he used, but he told Kurt he was with someone, and he's really sorry. But Blaine couldn't recall having sex with that guy, or kissing him, or taking a shower, or leaving his house, and he spent the whole night awake, trying to remember _anything_.

And then Blaine realized he doesn't remember because it _didn't_ happen, because _surely_ there would be even just a moment that he could recall, if he really did cheat.

And so he somehow, Blaine doesn't remember how, came up with the explanation Sebastian called a lie and nonsense and bullshit, but that night on Rachel's couch, in his exhausted, confused state of mind it did make enough sense that Blaine agreed with himself that this is what must have _really_ happened.

And it made him feel giddy and light, like a huge weight that had been on his chest for such a long time was suddenly lifted, and he couldn't stop grinning the next day because _hey, he did not cheat on his boyfriend._

Because Blaine makes mistakes and he used to be a bit messed up at that time but he _didn't actually cheat._

Except suddenly Blaine isn't so sure…

"Don't you think I would remember something as important and life-changing as cheating on my first boyfriend? That's not something I could just completely forget!"

Blaine means to sound convincing, but his voice breaks the tiniest bit on the word 'cheating' and Sebastian cocks his head, clearly noticing it.

"Dave forgot his suicide attempt," Sebastian says. For the first time since Kurt's call Blaine thinks he can see something like sympathy flash in his eyes. Maybe not exactly sympathy, but he doesn't sound like he wants to hurt or mock Blaine. Sebastian licks his lips, and his voice is softer as he continues. "I can't really think of many things more life-changing than a suicide attempt."

Blaine is glad he didn't eat that sandwich because he really feels like throwing up right now.

"There is such a thing as a repressed memory. Child abuse, rape, an accident… something really traumatic. You don't _mean_ to, but a part of you puts it into the part of your mind you can't reach, the unconscious mind. The memories you do remember are in the conscious mind. This is what Dave's therapist said."

It sounds a bit scary; _something really traumatic_ and _therapist_.

"Memories can change. You don't remember something the some way two weeks and two years later. I know a bit about this, because after Dave told me he doesn't remember his suicide attempt I looked it up online and found a few books about it in the library. There are many things that can affect a memory. They're called memory biases. Like you can think a dream or an imagination is something that really happened or vice versa, or you might remember that you had a greater part in the success of your group than you actually had – this happened to me when I told my dad we won the lacrosse match because of me, for example. But it wasn't true, 'cause two other guys scored more, but I wasn't intentionally lying to dad, it's just that… that match happened months ago and I just really wanted my dad to be proud of me for _something_ so I kind of changed my memory in that moment when I was on the phone with my father. Or details change because someone – and why couldn't that someone be you yourself? – told you something that you believe makes sense would have happened like that. Or…"

"I get it, I get it," Blaine interrupts him, his voice trembling and when he looks down he realizes his fingers are shaking even more.

It feels like his entire world just turned topsy-turvy.

It feels like Blaine suddenly doesn't know who he is.

He doesn't mean to be overdramatic or act like a martyr, but he is pretty sure he has to vomit so he bolts into Sebastian's bathroom and bends over his toilet, coughing and spitting saliva into it.

Blaine almost pushes his fingers down his throat because even if it is only tea or those few bites of the sandwich he thinks he would feel a bit relieved if he could vomit _something_. His stomach would, at least.

"Oh god." Blaine doesn't look up at Sebastian's voice, but he hears Sebastian gently shut the door behind himself. "And I used to think you're this annoyingly faithful cute as a button little schoolboy whose biggest problem is that he can't find a bowtie that doesn't clash with his salmon Capri pants."

"I don't remember." Blaine whimpers, wiping his lips with the toilet paper. He straightens up, and laughs at himself, because _holy shit._

He thought the most humiliating thing that could happen to him that Sebastian would know about would be that stupid piece of paper telling him Sebastian just wanted him for sex.

Except now that Blaine thinks about it maybe he _deserved_ that, didn't he?

He walks to the mirror, his legs weak. The man looking back at him looks pale and shaken to the core, his hair still a bit wet and horribly messy.

"I'm such a mess," Blaine laughs again as he turns on the tap, bending down to splash water onto his face, hoping that will calm him down just a bit. He hopes his laugh doesn't sound too hysterical. "Sorry about this."

He watches in the mirror as Sebastian walks to him, stopping just behind Blaine. Blaine wants him to put his hand on his shoulder or maybe wrap his arms around his middle from behind, but at the same time the idea of Sebastian touching him right now makes his stomach turn.

"We all have moments when we feel like a mess," Sebastian shrugs. "Life is… confusing. It's okay if sometimes you're lost. Everybody makes mistakes." Sebastian grins. "Man, I'm not good at cheesy pep talk. It makes me cringe. But, like, whatever happened, it's not the end of the world. Maybe it was just kissing and you changed your mind after it and left, crying your guts out and hating yourself. I mean you said I was your second man or maybe your third _if _you really did have sex with this Facebook dude. My point is that a guy who is already in college and only had sex with two or three guys probably wouldn't actually go _all the way_ with a complete stranger. Which means you only had sex with two guys, me and Kurt. But since you consider cheating such a capital offense and you believe people shouldn't just, I dunno, throw themselves around but have sex only with those they love and cherish and those that love and cherish them you got really mad at yourself. Even if you only just made out with this guy a bit or only _thought_ about making out with him a bit."

"Do you really think so?" Blaine sniffs, not exactly sure what to think. It would be nice if he could believe Sebastian…

"I have absolutely no fucking idea. I was just saying stuff I hoped will make you feel better."

Blaine blinks.

"But it doesn't make me feel better if you tell me you said it only to make me feel better!"

"I know," Sebastian turns away from him. "I could make you some more tea? I think there is still some sugar left."

"I think I should leave." Blaine really doesn't want to stay here anymore. He doesn't want to go home either. Maybe he should sleep in a hotel tonight.

"What did you tell Kurt?" Sebastian asks as Blaine follows him out of the bathroom.

"Don't remember that either," Blaine shakes his head. "I think something vague. I don't think I could have said 'I had sex with another boy' out loud. But I no longer have any idea what I would or wouldn't have done, so…"

"Doesn't matter in the end. Because maybe you told Kurt you only made out with this guy because you didn't want Kurt to hate you _too much_ even though you two did actually have sex, maybe you said you had sex even though you didn't go _that_ far because you felt so guilty and you hated yourself and you wanted Kurt too to hate you as much as possible. You can't know for sure."

"_Thanks_," Blaine smiles wryly.

He doesn't feel nauseated anymore, the lump in his throat is gone too. He feels numb, like he doesn't even own his body anymore, like there is no steady ground under his feet.

He feels exhausted, too.

"The whole thing is pretty pathetic, you know that, right?" Sebastian asks with the same tone others would use to ask Blaine what he thinks about a song.

"You think I wanted to be like that? To hardly be able to recognize myself? You think it was fun, being ignored by everyone and knowing even if you weren't no one would understand you because not even you could understand yourself? I was panicking all the time and nobody fucking noticed. I was… I just… I had no idea what to do."

Sebastian ignores him.

"It's not even the cheating thing, but the whole 'Blaine Anderson is a cheater' thing. _You_ of all people. Such a hypocrite you are. At least assholes are assholes but when you have to find out a person like _you, _who said… Maybe I just thought you are not like everyone else," Sebastian shrugs, and his lips twist into a smile that is almost sad, almost _disappointed_. "Maybe that was one of the things I liked about you. That you aren't just an opportunistic snake behind a charming grin and a polite voice who only pretends to be nice to get what he wants. That you are _truly_ so naively sweet and loyal and a… a _good_ person."

Blaine doesn't cry, not in front of Sebastian. He isn't sure how he manages, because he has no more dignity left, in that moment it feels like he has _nothing_ left, but the first tears slide down his face only on the street where the sun is shining with no warmth, and his clothes are wet and cold, and he doesn't care enough to avoid stepping into puddles.

* * *

><p>Blaine buys himself pizza and a bottle of beer and finds a hotel that <em>just<em> isn't _too_ shabby.

**To: Kurt Hummel**

_Sweet dreams! I'll come home morning, will bring you your favorite cake, okay?_

**From: Kurt Hummel**

_What, why? Come home tonight!_

**To: Kurt Hummel**

_I'm not in the doghouse?_

**From: Kurt Hummel**

_Of course not!_

Blaine smiles tiredly as he pours himself another glass of beer. Here he is drinking cheap beer from the champagne glass of the almost just as cheap hotel, and he accidentally spills a little onto the blanket and _wow_, he really is a fucking mess.

Even if Blaine isn't in the doghouse with Kurt he is with _himself_.

**From: Kurt Hummel**

_I'm sorry, Blaine, I know I shouldn't have told Sebastian. I should have waited two minutes before calling and realize what a petty asshole I am. I just… I don't know. I'm really sorry, okay?_

Blaine's eyes glaze over for a moment in surprise (perhaps the alcohol has something to do with it too). He trudges into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of cold water to sober up a little before calling Kurt up.

"I thought we, you know, put it behind us." Blaine smiles weakly. "Did you tell my ex-boyfriends too? Did you warn them? 'Don't date this guy, he will cheat on you'?"

"Of course not," Kurt sounds horrified. "We are best friends, Blaine, I would never do that! And anyway, I could do that to basically almost every member of New Directions. I _so_ don't have time for that." Kurt laughs without amusement. "Blaine, I did forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago, okay? I want you to be happy. I would never even think about trying to sabotage your relationship. But come on, it's not like you are dating Sebastian or you would ever want to date him, right?"

Blaine can't help the little half-choked laugh that forces itself out of his throat at that.

"Of course this still doesn't make it okay that I told him. But I just remembered all that time I spent being worried about your relationship with him, the burning jealousy, the way he insulted me, told me I'm not good enough, how much better he is. I just… I wanted him to know. That he failed, but _not_ because it was impossible. I thought that will sting a bit. God, I'm really sorry, Blaine. You made a mistake but I know you regretted it and I had no right to tell Sebastian, or anyone."

"It was never about the other guys. It was always about us, Kurt. That even if we loved each other more than anything it still didn't work. It just took us a lot of time to realize it."

He hears Kurt sigh heavily on the other end and Blaine feels tears fill his eyes.

It still hurts, even if he isn't in love with Kurt anymore.

Because it could have worked.

Maybe.

It just didn't.

It could have been _perfect_, but it wasn't.

"We got so used to getting everything from the other that when the other couldn't give something we started to resent each other," Blaine begins, trying to sound like he isn't crying. "I told you to go chase your dreams and when you did exactly that I got so mad at you for forgetting about me. They say some people cheat because they find a person they simply can't resist, a person they start to love more than their significant other, but some cheat because of relationship problems, or because of their personal issues. It's about feeling lonely and miserable and lost. So it wasn't that Sebastian wasn't hot enough, it was just… he wasn't there at the right time."

Because god knows Sebastian is hot enough.

_But since you consider cheating such a capital offense and you believe people shouldn't just, I dunno, throw themselves around but have sex only with those they love and cherish and those that love and cherish them…_

Except Blaine didn't have sex only with the person he loves and cherishes and Sebastian obviously doesn't love and cherish him.

He doesn't remember what happened with Facebook boy.

But he does remember pushing his underwear down to his knees as Sebastian continued to talk on the phone about getting fucked by strangers. He does remember the horrible mixture of guilt-lust-excitement as his fingers trembled typing out what he would do with Sebastian in the locker room, too busy trying not to touch himself to think about whether this _really_ is sexting or not. He does remember standing on his tiptoes to softly kiss the corner of Sebastian's mouth in front of Dave Karofsky's dad.

He does remember meeting Sebastian in a grocery store after not seeing him for years and it doesn't matter whether Blaine thought they are boyfriends or not because if you truly consider sex something you should only do with the man you love, cherish and trust then you shouldn't let _Sebastian Smythe_ put his dick inside you.

It was pleasurable, but it was also _empty_, and disappointing, yet Blaine did not stop it. He let it happen all the way, let it continue until they both came, wrapped his arms around Sebastian and made all sort of noises for Sebastian.

So why wouldn't he have let the same happen with that boy?

(And isn't that fucking _scary_, that maybe he had sex with someone and he _isn't sure_? That he can't say with absolute certainty how many guys he screwed? Not because it was so many he had to give up counting, because it was either two or three, and as Sebastian said for someone in college that's actually almost nothing.

It's still horrifying. Like waking up with a painful hangover and trying to remember last night, seeing the wall painted with vomit, the chairs upturned, the table lamp on the floor in a thousand pieces, and no matter how hard you try you can't remember what the fuck happened while you were drunk last night.)

**To: Sebastian Smythe**

_I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore. I don't think I could be a good boyfriend. Especially not for you. Sorry. Let's be __just__ friends for now, okay? Give me some time to put things together._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_We could be friends with benefits?_

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_But of course if you don't want to do that we can just be friends. That's okay too._

**From: Sebastian Smythe**

_Sorry, I shouldn't have sent that message. Friends would be pretty awesome too. Don't think I only want sex from you._

**To: Sebastian Smythe**

_Okay. Let's do it. The friends with benefits thing._


	13. Chapter 13

**From: Blaine Anderson**

_Okay. Let's do it. The friends with benefits thing._

Sebastian should be whooping in joy, feeling victorious.

But he doesn't.

It was selfish of him to ask Blaine to be fuck buddies. Blaine wanted time to… well, whatever you need to do after you remember that you cheated on your first boyfriend in high school.

Sebastian calls him up. He wants Blaine to know Sebastian cares about _him_, not just about his ass, and Blaine can be Sebastian's friend even if they aren't fucking.

"Hey." Blaine's voice sounds quiet and tired.

"Hi." There's silence until Sebastian realizes that Blaine is waiting for him to explain why he called. "We can just be friends, like in high school – well, it would be nicer, I'm more mature now, I promise I won't do anything shitty this time. We don't have to fuck, if you are uncomfortable with that."

"Who says I'm uncomfortable with that?" Blaine laughs. Sebastian can't decide whether the laugh is honest or forced. Damn. Blaine really is so much more difficult to read now than when they were teenagers.

"You said we should take it slow as boyfriends," Sebastian reminds him. "And that you don't want to do the friends with benefits thing."

"Maybe I changed my mind."

"Yeah, but…" Sebastian starts, but Blaine interrupts him, his voice louder and firmer now, almost offended.

"I'm a grown man, Sebastian. I can decide whether I want to have sex with someone or not, okay? You spent like our whole friendship in high school trying to convince me to put out for you, don't start acting shy now."

Sebastian almost tells Blaine that Blaine spent like their whole friendship in high school being attracted to him but refusing to actually do anything because he wanted to stay faithful to Kurt and then found the first random guy to hook up with because he couldn't deal with being alone.

But his friendship with Dave _mostly_ taught Sebastian to stay silent when the only things he has to say would do more harm than good.

* * *

><p>Blaine greets Sebastian with a kiss that tastes like menthol toothpaste with a hint of lemon, his hands warm against Sebastian's neck, sliding playfully into Sebastian's hair.<p>

Sebastian feels a bit disoriented, not just because of the out of nowhere kiss but because of Blaine's sparkling eyes and the cheerful grin gracing his lips.

It's not like Sebastian expected tears streaming down Blaine's splotchy face, of course. But after yesterday, when Blaine tried to throw up in Sebastian's bathroom, looked like he wants to cry when he left, then sent a message saying he doesn't want to be boyfriends but agreeing to be friends with benefits even though he told Sebastian before, loud and clear, that he _doesn't_ want that…

Well, Sebastian expected Blaine to be a bit less… _happy_.

"Hello," Sebastian smiles back. "What a nice way to say hi."

Blaine laughs sweetly. But it sounds a little off, a bit too sugary, perhaps.

"Can I come in?" Blaine asks, taking his jacket off. Sebastian nods and takes a step back, letting Blaine into his apartment.

"Are you okay?" Sebastian blurts out.

"Yes?" Blaine tries to sound like he doesn't even understand why Sebastian is asking such a silly question. He tries to look confused, but the grin remains on his face, and it's almost grotesque, because when someone is shocked the grin slips off their face.

Unless they are forcing it to stay on their lips.

"Let's do it." Blaine's hands are already unbuttoning his shirt, and his fingers, Sebastian notices with a mixture of worry and annoyance, shake horribly.

Perhaps for the first time in his whole life Sebastian suddenly doesn't feel like fucking a hot guy.

He doesn't feel like fucking _Blaine_.

"We could do something else," Sebastian tries.

"What is the point of being friends with benefits if we don't fuck?" Blaine insists. Finally that insincere grin is gone, but the serious expression that takes its place isn't any better. Blaine looks determined, but there is nervousness in his eyes and, shit, _guilt_.

"I thought it means we are friends just as much as we are lovers. And friends do other things too."

"Okay," Blaine shrugs with forced nonchalance. "What should we do then? Play Scrabble?"

"Let's talk." Sebastian ignores Blaine's slightly mocking tone. "_You_ wanted to talk before, we discussed in the café what is going on with us. Now I want to know what happened."

"You do know what happened," Blaine grimaces. He rubs the back of his neck, lips twisting into a bitter smile. "I cheated on Kurt. That's it."

And in that moment he looks so _young_. Sebastian remembers Blaine in their senior year, almost chased back to Dalton by something he refused to tell Sebastian. Sebastian thought it's just all the memories of Kurt torturing him in McKinley, everything in that stupid school reminding Blaine of his love.

He had no idea Blaine had cheated on his boyfriend.

Looking back, it certainly puts things into a bit different perspective…

Sebastian makes Blaine tea, with two and a half spoons of sugar. Blaine gives him a small but honestly grateful smile; it's the first truly happy expression on Blaine's face and Sebastian feels ridiculously accomplished. He knows it's stupid; after fucking all those guys and getting into Yale making someone smile shouldn't feel like some huge achievement.

"Fine, ask me," Blaine licks his lip, and Sebastian is distracted by the flicker of his pink tongue. Suddenly he wants to kiss Blaine _right fucking now_, even with two and a half spoons of sugar clinging to the inside of Blaine's mouth. He _could_ kiss Blaine, friends with benefits can kiss, he already kissed Blaine more than once, not just a barely there touch of Blaine's lips at the corner of his lips, but deep, passionate making out, with tongues and teeth battling…

But they are trying to talk about something important now.

_But why not me?_ is the question Sebastian wants to ask the most, but he feels like starting with that wouldn't be the wisest.

"Do you really not remember, Blaine?" Sebastian asks, his voice a bit colder than he intended.

Blaine looks hurt at the question, his fingertips trembling against the rim of the cup, but Sebastian refuses to feel bad. He has every right to wonder if it's really true. Sure, it _can_ happen, everything he explained to Blaine about memory biases was true, but there is also the possibility that it's all just a half ridiculous, half actually clever lie.

Sebastian shrugs. "Maybe you do remember everything and you just wanted to keep it a secret from me. And you felt like you should have mentioned it before I agreed to be your boyfriend, but you didn't want me to know you are a cheater."

Sebastian expects Blaine to get mad at him, but instead Blaine just swallows and nods slowly. He puts his cup down, almost spilling his tea. He laughs awkwardly at his clumsiness before glancing up at Sebastian, looking him straight in the eye.

"There's nothing I could say that could convince you I'm telling the truth." Blaine's smile is sad, but he doesn't look away. "Kurt told me too, that he doesn't trust me anymore. I remember that, and I remember how much it hurt, but of course he was right. So if you believe I'm a cold-blooded liar, well, I deserve that. It's not worse than being a cheater."

Sebastian isn't sure what to say. If there was one thing their friendship lacked in high school (not counting sex) it was trust, so this isn't anything new. But it used to be mostly Blaine who distrusted Sebastian, and that still hasn't changed, only got worse, probably, with Sebastian's letter the morning after.

But now Sebastian isn't sure what to believe either…

"Well, it's not worse than almost blinding someone, for example. It's alright."

"It's not alright," Blaine scowls, crossing his arms in front of his chest, glancing down at his feet. "Just because there are worse things I could have done doesn't mean it's 'alright'. I hurt the person I loved the most. In the end, not a lot of things are worse than that."

Sebastian just smiles – perhaps a bit condescendingly – at Blaine's overdramatic words.

"But Kurt forgave you, and that's the thing that matters the most, isn't it?"

Blaine smiles shakily, and Sebastian can see he doesn't actually feel better.

Blaine places his hand on Sebastian's arm, squeezing gently. "Maybe. Thanks, I guess." Blaine takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He lets go of Sebastian's arm, fingers curling into a fist instead. "I'm so sorry I disappointed you."

"You did what?" Sebastian frowns, honestly confused.

"You said I'm a hypocrite. You said you used to think I'm nice and faithful and a… a good person. I'm sorry you had to find out I'm not a good person."

"Of course you are a good person, Blaine."

God, it's not like Sebastian thinks Blaine is a terrible bastard. He doesn't look down on Blaine. How could he, Sebastian Smythe, look down on someone like Blaine Anderson, cheater or not?

It's just that… Sebastian doesn't like broken pedestals. Once upon a time he too was just a stupid little boy who looked up at his dad and his mom and thought they are good people.

It's silly.

But Sebastian kind of admired Blaine a little. He didn't think Blaine was _better_ than him, but, well, he thought Blaine was very talented, and unfairly pretty, and such a truly sweet and kind person. Sure, it was fucking annoying that he didn't put out for Sebastian, but a part of Sebastian actually liked that; he liked that Blaine believed in something – in his feelings for Kurt and in their relationship, even if Sebastian could already see it won't last forever. Sebastian liked that Blaine would rather not do something he wanted and could have had – because Sebastian _knew_ Blaine wanted him – because he didn't want to hurt someone he considered very important.

Sebastian is amazing at reading people, but sometimes he misreads them horribly.

"Listen." Sebastian licks his lips as he desperately searches for the right words. "I don't have a high opinion of, well, anyone. I actually liked you in high school, and I couldn't say that about many. I still can't. I can tolerate Dave, and Santana sometimes, but that's it. But I _enjoyed_ spending time with you, chatting with you was a lot of fun, I spent sometimes the whole lacrosse practice waiting for it to finally end so I can go home and call you. You made me _happy_, Blaine."

Blaine is listening to him with bright eyes, his warm smile growing with every sentence, but Sebastian's last words suddenly make the corner of his lips turn down.

"No," Blaine shakes his head. "I made you unhappy. You said that. That's why you wanted to end our friendship."

Sebastian sighs.

"Well, it was… complicated. I just…" _I just wanted to be more than one of your friends, and it kind of hurt a lot that you didn't consider me anything more, and I…_ "The point is that, okay, finding out you cheated wasn't exactly something that made me happy, but do not dare to think I no longer believe you are a good person. You forgave me for so much worse things. You _cared_ about me. Do you know how many noticed I seem unhappy? Or were worried I will spend my whole life alone? You have absolutely no reason to give any fuck about me, but you still do. Well, you care about everyone, so I guess…"

"Oh, just shut up," Blaine snaps suddenly, his voice angry. Sebastian almost groans. He isn't good at pep talk, he knows that, but just a few moments ago Blaine was smiling up at him softly, hopefully, and Sebastian thought he finally understood that one stupid, selfish mistake doesn't make someone like Blaine a bad person. "I didn't care about the fucking love of my life, Sebastian. Well, at that time I thought he is the love of my life. But I betrayed him. And it's a million times worse than what you did to me, because Kurt _loved_ me, he fucking loved me with all his heart."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure Kurt had never done anything that hurt you," Sebastian rolls his eyes, starting to lose his patience. "We could discuss this for the rest of our lives, you hating yourself while I'm trying to convince you it doesn't make you a terrible asshole or whatever you think you are. Let's stop talking about this. It's totally pointless."

"_You_ wanted to talk," Blaine says, but his expression is relieved. "Okay. What should we do then?"

Sebastian lets his lips curl into a shameless smirk as he steps closer to Blaine and grabs his waist, fingers teasingly finding their way under his shirt, caressing his warm skin. Blaine gasps quietly, the corner of his lips twitching.

Sebastian lowers his lips to Blaine's ear. "Let's go to my bedroom, hm?" He laughs when Blaine shivers, and leans back just in time to catch his lovely blush.

"Bedroom," Blaine agrees. "Should I brush my teeth before? I taste super sweet now."

"I don't mind," Sebastian grins. And he kisses Blaine, because – especially when it comes to sex – he likes to _do _instead of just giving promises. Blaine really does taste a bit too sweet, but his lips press against Sebastian's eagerly and his tongue finds Sebastian's quickly, tangling together playfully as Blaine's arms wind around Sebastian's shoulders.

They stumble into the bedroom and Sebastian blindly tries to steer them towards the general direction of his bed as he fondles Blaine's ass through his pants. Blaine groans in pain when the back of his legs hit the bed, but before Sebastian could apologize Blaine is already on his back, pulling Sebastian on top of him and tugging his shirt off. They fumble a bit, because Blaine is _really_ impatient and Sebastian doesn't want to lose his balance and crush Blaine.

"You work out?" Blaine whispers, staring at Sebastian's chest with mesmerized eyes before he presses his palms against his skin, his touch curious.

"Sometimes I do push-ups and sit-ups while Dave is talking about his life," Sebastian tells him, feeling smug as Blaine's hands continue their eager exploration. "Or play basketball with him and his college buddies. You could come too. I could buy you stilts."

"Hey, you _bastard_!" Blaine exclaims, but then he bursts out laughing. He tries to glare up at Sebastian but his bright, honest laughter ruins it, and Sebastian can't help but smile too, _so_ glad to hear Blaine laugh like this.

Blaine stops laughing, but a content smile remains on his lips, like he feels comfortable here, under Sebastian, staring up at him, just being with him. Sebastian just looks at him, takes in the precious curve of that smile, Blaine's half-closed eyes, his dark curls.

There is something warm growing in Sebastian's chest, something that doesn't have anything to do with the promise of sex.

It makes him feel worried, yet he thinks he wants to feel it so much more often, maybe until it becomes something familiar and welcomed.

But suddenly that beautiful smile disappears, and Blaine throws an arm over his eyes, hiding from Sebastian, his voice small and unhappy as he starts to speak.

"Do you think I fucked that guy? Or he fucked me? Or maybe there was just kissing? Maybe it was just a really realistic dream? Do you think that's possible?"

Sebastian gets off Blaine, fighting the urge to bang his head against the wall.

This is worse than that time a regular at Scandals – well, a regular until this incident, because Sebastian doesn't remember seeing him again after that night – started to fucking _cry_ with two fingers inside Sebastian, sobbing about his wife and their baby girl and his parents being so proud of his marriage.

This is Blaine. And Sebastian actually gives a fuck about Blaine.

"How would I know?" Sebastian sighs. "And I honestly don't care."

Blaine rolls away from him, his back to Sebastian.

"How would you feel if maybe you had sex with someone and you couldn't remember?"

"I don't remember most of my one night stands. Yet I feel just great, thank you very much."

Blaine laughs bitterly.

"Because for you sex is like breakfast. But it matters to me…"

_Geez, sorry for being such a slut_, Sebastian thinks, rolling his eyes. Only Blaine could sound judgmental while hating himself for cheating.

"Well, Kurt was hurt whether it was only a peck on the lips or fucking the night away in every possible position. But Kurt forgave you. I don't care either. What, you think I don't want you if you had sex with two other men instead of only one before me? Get over it, unless you got some nasty STDs from this Facebook dude…"

"I didn't! I know I'm clean. Kurt's dad made me take a test." Blaine makes a little broken half-whimper, half-sob. "He told me he doesn't want to humiliate or punish me, but he just wants to be totally sure because he really cares about Kurt's health. And about mine too."

Huh.

Sebastian's mom only cared about his dad's career and Sebastian's future when she found out Sebastian had fucked a lot of strangers. She didn't even mention his _health_.

But that must have been fucking awful; your ex-boyfriend's – or they were boyfriends again, Sebastian guesses, if there was the possibility of sex – dad asking you to make sure you don't have STDs from that time you cheated on his son.

"Well, that's good then. Now tell me one reason why it matters what _exactly_ happened."

Blaine doesn't say anything.

Sebastian stares at the curve of Blaine's spine before his eyes slide up to his neck. There's a birthmark mostly hidden by Blaine's shirt; Sebastian doesn't remember noticing it before.

Blaine turns around. His eyes are dry, thank god. But he looks awfully exhausted, and just when Sebastian opens his mouth to ask how much sleep he had last night Blaine yawns hugely.

"Sorry," Blaine murmurs, raising his hand to his mouth when he starts to yawn again. "I couldn't sleep a lot last night."

"You can sleep now, if you want to," Sebastian offers, smiling.

"But we wanted to fuck," Blaine laughs.

"I would get offended if you fell asleep while I'm fucking into you," Sebastian grins, reaching out with his hand to touch Blaine's curls. "We can do it after you wake up, feeling rested and ready to take everything I want to do to you." Sebastian's grin widens when Blaine glances down coyly. "I can work on my paper while you sleep."

Blaine hesitates for a moment, but then he nods, his smile honest again. It makes Sebastian dizzy, just thinking about how quickly Blaine's emotions can change.

"Thank you," Blaine sits up, crawling to Sebastian to give him a quick kiss, their lips barely brushing. "Not just for letting me sleep. For… mostly being nice to me, too. And… I'm sorry."

"Don't," Sebastian frowns. "For your every 'sorry' I should apologize to you ten times more. Don't ever feel like you are a bad person, when there are people like me too."

"Sebastian…" Blaine starts with a soft-sad expression that makes Sebastian feel pissed off and vulnerable at the same time, and Sebastian knows there are a million empty cliché bullshit phrases on the tip of his tongue about how Sebastian isn't _that_ bad. Making Blaine feel better by reminding him that even if he's a cheater at least he is not Sebastian Smythe hurts Sebastian's pride a bit, he won't lie. But it seems to work, at least a little.

"Sleep, Blaine," Sebastian interrupts him before he could actually start. "It's okay."

He turns on his laptop, opens a bag of chips and pours himself a glass of mineral water as Blaine undresses and gets under Sebastian's blanket in only his underwear. He gives Sebastian a little smile before pulling the blanket to his chin, and Sebastian stares at the back of his head as the absurdity of the situation hits him. Blaine Anderson is almost naked in his bed, and instead of making sure he gets completely naked Sebastian is turning back to his laptop.

But it also feels really nice.

That Blaine is here, in Sebastian's apartment, sleeping in his bed, is actually fucking incredible. A few weeks ago Sebastian would have never thought he would see Blaine again, and now here they are, friends with benefits. Sebastian thinks about high school, and about how much more he has now, and suddenly he really doesn't want to lose Blaine. This is his chance to show Blaine he's not the immature asshole he was in high school. He's a mostly grown man now, perhaps even someone worthy of Blaine.

Sebastian pushes the thoughts away and starts to work, but he can hardly focus on his paper as his thoughts always drift back to the man lying in his bed. It would be so much easier if he knew what Blaine wants from him, or if he knew what _he_ wants from Blaine. Even when they agreed to be boyfriends it was clear neither of them actually had any idea what that means. But now that those few uncertain rules are gone too – we should take it slow, we shouldn't rush things – it's all just a huge, confusing mess.

Blaine sleeps like a log for almost three hours. Sebastian's bowl of chips is empty when he wakes up, but Sebastian only has a few new paragraphs he is sure he has to end up deleting, because they don't really add anything new to his paper and they sound rather dumb, quite frankly.

"Hello," Blaine grins sleepily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. His hair seems to be a bit messier than before, though it's not that easy to tell, with all those curls.

"Do you feel better now?" Sebastian asks as he saves his document before closing it, turning around in his chair.

"Yeah," Blaine nods. "Thanks for letting me sleep. I needed it."

Sebastian drinks the last drops of mineral water and puts the glass back onto the table. He thinks he wouldn't mind if Blaine slept more often here. If Sebastian could take a break from writing his paper, or come back from the grocery store, or come out of the bathroom, and see Blaine sleeping in his bed, or in the kitchen making himself a sandwich, or sitting on the couch reading a novel…

If Blaine could become a part of his life… Sebastian wouldn't want him to be there all the time, of course, because Sebastian needs time to be alone, and because Blaine has his own life too, he has NYADA and his friends and his family, and they are important too, more important than Sebastian.

But it would be really great, seeing Blaine once or twice a week, talking with him on the phone before going to sleep, exchanging silly e-mails like in high school, even just small things like that would make Sebastian's day.

God, he missed Blaine so fucking much.

"I had a dream," Blaine starts, his fingers twisting the blanket.

"Hope it was a nice dream," Sebastian smiles. But then suddenly he thinks maybe it was a nightmare about Kurt and that Facebook guy, because it seems like Blaine can't think about anything else right now.

"Oh, very nice," Blaine drawls cheerfully. Sebastian's smile widens in relief. "It was about you." Sebastian quirks an eyebrow. Blaine looks away, but there is a dirty grin on his lips. "You got bored of your paper so you slipped into the bed, your arms around me, your body flush against mine, your lips on the back of my neck, and you tugged my underwear down and rolled me onto my stomach, spread my cheeks with your big hands, and rubbed your hard cock right there…"

_Well._

"You really dreamed all that, Blaine?"

"You don't believe me? I have proof."

And Blaine throws the blanket off, revealing his obvious bulge.

Sebastian gapes, his mouth going dry.

Blaine smirks proudly.

Sebastian thinks about Blaine's surprisingly kinky moments in high school; jerking off listening to Sebastian talking about fucking guys and getting fucked, wondering about Sebastian's fantasies about him, sending him texts about what he would do with Sebastian in the locker room…

Sebastian liked the idea of the innocent, shy schoolboy, and had at least ten fantasies about how to corrupt him, if not more.

But fuck, Blaine like this is goddamned delicious too.

Sebastian takes his pants and underwear off and climbs on top of Blaine, cupping his erection through the fabric. Blaine's hips jerk up into his touch as he throws his head back. Sebastian smirks, blood rushing into his own cock as he slips his fingers into Blaine's underwear, finally touching him, and Blaine moans loudly. Sebastian glances at him, and his breath gets caught in his throat. Cheek pressed into the pillow, golden, lust-filled eyes dropped to half-mast in pleasure, a sweet blush; Blaine looks fucking beautiful like this.

So much better than any of his fantasies.

Sebastian tightens his grip, and Blaine moans for more, pushing up into his touch, a drop of pre-come sliding onto Sebastian's fingers.

"What do you want?" Sebastian whispers, his voice breathless. "I'll give you anything you want." Which is not exactly true, but it feels good to say it, for some reason, and if Blaine's whimper and the way his dick twitches in Sebastian's hand is any indication it feels good for Blaine to hear it, too.

"I don't know," Blaine grits out, his blush even deeper now. "Anything."

Which Sebastian knows isn't exactly true either, but that one word makes him shiver in lust nevertheless.

"I want to fuck you."

Sebastian freezes, his hand stopping. He can feel Blaine tense under him, and the blush on his cheeks now is definitely more because of embarrassment than pleasure.

"You told me you switch," Blaine adds hurriedly. "But if you don't want to, that's okay. I just thought…"

"Alright," Sebastian smiles. It's not like Blaine topping is a possibility that has never crossed his mind before. Definitely not… He just wasn't expecting Blaine to want it too. At least not so soon. "Sure, we can do that. I'd like that." Sebastian watches the tension melt away from Blaine's body. "What position?"

He hopes Blaine wants Sebastian to ride him. Sebastian doesn't care whether he has a cock in someone or someone has a cock in him. He just doesn't like to feel like he isn't the one mostly in control. And lying on his back in the Missionary position doesn't make feeling in control easy.

"Missionary?" Blaine suggests. "This is our second time going all the way, let's not try too difficult positions yet."

"Sure," Sebastian grins, more cocky than he feels. But it's okay. He can totally do this. He is Sebastian Smythe, he isn't _scared_ of the Missionary position. "Lube is on the bedside table, so are the condoms."

He gets onto his back and spreads his legs as he waits for Blaine to cover his fingers with the lube. Blaine gives him a soft smile as he gently rubs his fingers against Sebastian's hole before slowly pushing a finger into Sebastian.

"You're really tense," Blaine remarks when his first finger is half inside. "When did you do this last time?"

"Um, when we had sex?" Sebastian asks, but he knows that isn't what Blaine means.

Blaine shakes his head with a frown.

"When did you bottom last time? It was in high school, wasn't it? You said you don't do one night stands anymore."

"Yes, but I finger myself sometimes. I have a few toys too. It's not a big deal, I'm fine, just add the second finger already."

Blaine hesitates, his eyes annoyingly concerned – Sebastian isn't made of glass, _come on_ –, but he obeys when Sebastian rolls his hips impatiently.

The truth is, the last few weeks had been so stressful, constantly worrying about Yale, that Sebastian didn't have neither time nor energy to even put his pinky in, only hastily jerking off in the shower to avoid getting blue balls before scrambling to get to uni or crawling into his bed and falling asleep before his head hit the pillow.

Blaine prepares him wordlessly, a few times opening his mouth to say something but quickly changing his mind, and instead smiles absent-mindedly, his eyes glued to Sebastian's face.

"Can I…?" Blaine whispers as he pulls his fingers out. Sebastian nods, swallowing his annoyed 'Took you way too long' as Blaine reaches for the condom.

Sebastian closes his eyes as he tries to steadily breathe in and out as Blaine finally pushes his dick in, even slower and more careful than the first finger. It hurts a bit, but it's not that bad. Blaine took his time getting him ready, after all.

When Sebastian opens his eyes there's a look so forlorn, so miserable on Blaine's face it makes Sebastian's heart hurt so much he is completely distracted by the discomfort of Blaine's length inside him for a few moments.

"I probably let him be in control," Blaine mumbles as he bottoms out. "So that I could loathe myself while he fucked me instead of having to concentrate on doing all the work."

"You don't even know for sure you actually had sex," Sebastian sneers, grabbing Blaine's shoulders roughly, making Blaine hiss. "And fuck you, I'm not letting you talk about some random guy you don't even _remember_ while you're screwing _me_. Focus on fucking me. _Move_. Should I give you a map to find my prostate?"

Blaine laughs at that, but Sebastian can see he doesn't want to. His eyes flash with humiliation and anger. He mostly pulls out of Sebastian before awkwardly thrusting back. The movements of his hips are uncoordinated and hesitant, like he can't decide whether he wants to remain concerned about Sebastian's not-fucked-in-a-long-time ass or just slam into Sebastian like Sebastian demanded him to.

"_Come on_," Sebastian sighs. "You can go faster."

Maybe they should kiss, Sebastian thinks as Blaine speeds up a little. It feels nicer now, actually starting to get enjoyable; Sebastian mostly accustomed to the feeling of Blaine's cock moving in and out of him, and Blaine finding a rhythm that isn't so clumsy. Sebastian shifts on his back, wrapping his arms around Blaine to pull him down, maybe to tell him how good he feels, or to kiss him, he isn't sure. He can feel Blaine's breath on his lips and he raises his head from the pillow when Blaine suddenly tenses above him before he quickly ducks his head, his whole body shuddering.

It takes Sebastian a few moments to realize Blaine just came.

Blaine whimpers, still buried in Sebastian. "I can jerk you off or something. Don't worry."

He raises his head, looking down at Sebastian, eyes dizzy and smile sheepish. "I'm sorry," Blaine mumbles, kissing Sebastian's slightly open lips, a little playful, a little awkward.

"It's okay," Sebastian smiles, and he's surprised when he realizes he means it. He should be frustrated, because Blaine shouldn't have come so quickly. Or talked about cheating. And Sebastian hates guys who can't give him exactly what he wants, and he hates it even more when they can't even _concentrate _on him.

But he is too busy thinking about how adorable Blaine is to be mad at him. It's fine if they don't fit perfectly together yet; it's only their second time. Sebastian's one night stands usually sucked too in one way or another. If Blaine would continue to smile like this while he jerks Sebastian off Sebastian would be more than satisfied.

Except, of course, his wish doesn't come true this time either.

Because suddenly Blaine's lower lip starts to tremble and his eyes well with tears._  
><em>

Sebastian is starting to think this is some kind of punishment for being such an asshole in high school. Probably for the letter to Blaine now, too.

He finally has Blaine in his life, in his arms, in his bed, but Blaine isn't _happy_.

And Sebastian doesn't want an unhappy Blaine, but he doesn't know how to make him happy.

"I can use my hands." Blaine desperately tries to blink the tears back but one still escapes, sliding down his flushed cheek.

"I'm going to take a shower," Sebastian gets out of the bed. The last thing he needs is Blaine crying while trying to give him a handjob.

He steps under the hot water, feeling a bit bad because he didn't even look back at Blaine before leaving him on the bed, but it would have just made things even more awkward. He presses his forehead against the hard tile as he wraps his fingers around his aching cock while his other hand finds his hole. He slips three fingers easily in, and it doesn't take him a minute or two to come, trying to remain completely silent, not wanting Blaine to hear anything. He feels annoyingly unsatisfied even after his orgasm. He washes the come off the tiles before he turns the shower off, hastily drying himself with a towel. He wants to quickly go back to Blaine and ask him if he is hungry. They could eat sandwiches, or maybe walk to a restaurant and have dinner there. Or, if Blaine is not hungry, they could just talk or watch a movie.

But Blaine is gone.

Sebastian rushes to the window and pulls back the curtain, letting out a sigh of relief when he sees someone on the street. It looks like Blaine, though Sebastian can't tell for sure because it's already dark outside. But who else could it be?

It's also raining. Not heavily, yet, but it could turn into a storm any moment. Rains can do shit like that; they are fucking unpredictable.

Just like Blaine.

Sebastian curses under his breath; that's a bit too poetic for him. He dresses quickly, messing up the last three buttons of his shirt, but he doesn't have time to try to do it again. He puts his jacket on before grabbing his umbrella.

He finds Blaine just where he was standing when Sebastian looked out of his window, his head bowed and his hands in the pockets of his pants.

"Hey!" Sebastian shouts as he swiftly walks to him – he doesn't run, because he remembers too many dumb romantic movies where the main couple run towards each other in the rain. "What are you doing?"

"I'm waiting for the taxi." Sebastian steps close enough to Blaine that they can both stand under his umbrella. "Or if your actual question was 'Why did you leave while I was in the shower?' my answer is: Screw you. You left me too."

"I guess you are right," Sebastian nods. He's glad Blaine doesn't step away from him. Blaine would be overdramatic like that; willing to risk a cold just so he can show Sebastian he is mad at him. Even though Sebastian isn't even sure why he is mad. He doesn't even really have any right to be mad at Sebastian. Not this time. "So, what's exactly the problem? The premature ejaculation? Because that can happen to anyone. Or so I heard."

"It wasn't premature ejaculation," Blaine scowls. "I told you I had a dream. I was already all hard and horny for you when you were still working on your paper."

"Then what's wrong?"

Blaine takes his phone out and glances down at it before slipping it into the pocket of his pants with a small sigh.

"I don't want to get home so late I'd have to wake Kurt up."

"That's it?" Sebastian isn't sure he believes Blaine.

Blaine nods, giving Sebastian a small, empty smile.

"So you aren't mad at me?" Sebastian asks. Blaine shakes his head wordlessly, staring into the rain. "Well, I'm mad at you," Sebastian continues. Blaine looks at him, taken aback. "You can't talk about someone else while screwing me, that's fucking rude."

"Oh, yeah?" Blaine glares daggers at him. "Well, you know what else is rude?" His voice gets louder, and Sebastian opens his mouth to tell him not to start shouting, because Sebastian doesn't want the neighbors to think he has gay romantic drama or whatever in his life, but Blaine refuses to let him speak. "Leaving to masturbate in the shower even though I offered to help you! Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?"

"Because you were crying!" Sebastian whispers, raising a finger to Blaine's lips to show him that he is speaking way too loudly. The neighbors especially don't need to think that Sebastian has X-rated gay romantic drama in his life. "Who has sex with someone who is crying? And I didn't even know why you were crying! Was it because of me, or was it because of the cheating thing?"

"I don't know!" Blaine throws his arms up, almost knocking the umbrella out of Sebastian's hand. "Everything was a mess. Everything _is _a mess. I had no idea I would cheat on my boyfriend, except apparently I did. I don't know who I am! I don't know what happened with _him_. And then there you were, and you were just really… really handsome, and just… I just wanted to do a lot of things, and I wanted to take it slow, because I didn't want to hurt you, I wanted to make you feel good, better than you have ever felt before. But you were offering me a map to your prostate. What the fuck? This was our second time, and the first time I was on top, and you totally ruined it with your stupid…"

"I ruined it?" Sebastian sneers, and now he has to remind himself not to raise his voice. "You were the one who started talking about hating yourself while that boy fucked you, right in the middle of fucking _me_. I mean how was I supposed to react to that? Should I have fucking smiled? Tell you to continue? Was that some kind of dirty talk? Because sorry, but it wasn't sexy for me at all."

"Well, mocking and humiliating me wasn't sexy for me!" Blaine shots back. "But of course, it's my fault. The way you talked to me about your lovers in high school, the guy with the tacky tattoo on his back or… or that man who came too soon. I should have known I'm just like them for you. You don't think your lovers are anything but toys, and if they can't give you what you want you tear them down with your words. You should have just stayed silent. Even that was better."

A car passes them by, and for a moment Sebastian thinks it's Blaine's taxi, but it doesn't stop. Sebastian is glad; they are not done yet. "You think it wasn't humiliating for me? I was there, in the fucking Missionary position, which I find stupid and awkward when I'm on the bottom, and you were talking about cheating on your ex-boyfriend. Insults are like weapons for me, Blaine, but I don't use them only to attack, but also to feel more confident when I feel uncomfortable. I _am_ sorry. But before you get all upset about how much you were hurt by my words maybe you should stop for just a moment and think about how _I_ was feeling."

Blaine stares at him like Sebastian just told him something absolutely mind-blowing. Sebastian shifts, feeling just a bit vulnerable. Maybe that was too much to admit.

"Sorry," Blaine mumbles. "I didn't mean to, um, hurt you."

"It's okay. It's not a big deal at all, it's just that… I'm just a bit annoyed, you know? I get that you feel guilty, believe me, if anyone knows what that is like it's me. But I… I tried so hard in high school to get you, and now we met again, and I thought I can have you now…"

"Which is why you basically told me in a letter after fucking me that that's all you wanted from me and I can just fuck off now?"

"Yeah, okay, that was…" _My flight instinct kicking in and shutting down everything else._ "Listen, I'm sorry about that. But I found you, I came back for you, I'm here now. I was willing to be your boyfriend, even if that meant not having sex with you for who knows how long. I was okay with that, because that still meant we could spend time together, talk and have fun, be with each other. But now I feel like I only have, I don't know, half of you. Your body is here with me, but _you_ aren't. I spent way too much time in high school watching you love Kurt, and now you two aren't even dating, but you still care so much more about him and about that boy than me. It's super frustrating, okay? I don't want to be second – no, third – to your _ex_-boyfriend and to a nameless, faceless phantom."

Blaine takes a deep breath, glancing everywhere but at Sebastian's face.

"I have to go now," Blaine says, and Sebastian turns around, squinting at the bright lights of the taxi.

"Alright," Sebastian nods. He wonders what that means. Is Blaine still willing to try to be with him? Does he want to end whatever they have? Does he just want to stop trying to have sex, or does he never want to see Sebastian again?

"Can I borrow your umbrella?" Blaine asks, his voice shy and sweet. It makes Sebastian feel warm. "I'll give it back to you next time we meet."

_Next time we meet._

Sebastian can't help but grin, his heart swelling, and maybe he kind of dances up the stairs in his joy. The neighbors can't see him, so it's okay.

He is just really glad they are not over yet.

* * *

><p><strong>And<strong> **I didn't say it here on FanfictionNet last chapter, only on my tumblr: Ilarina made a lovely graphic for the fic here: ilarina . tumblr com / post / 30103520651 / my-best-friend-irishmarti-has-a-facebook-author**


	14. Chapter 14

Blaine smiles at his shirt, the fabric soft under his fingers and smelling like washing powder. He used way more shower gel than necessary, scrubbed his skin raw to get rid of Sebastian's scent. Now his body feels cleansed, _new_, and it feels good.

Maybe he could burn _this_ bridge.

It's not a maybe. He knows he could. He could tell Sebastian; _I'm sorry, thanks for everything but I can't do this. Have a nice life._ There would be a flash of disappointment in Sebastian's eyes, sadness too, maybe, but it would only last a moment. Sebastian is good at hiding his emotions. He would shrug and snort and probably say something like _The sex sucked so it's okay, good luck trying to find your one true love or whatever silliness you believe in. _And he would probably mean it, would be relieved he doesn't have to deal with the confusing, _stupid_ mess that Blaine is now.

And it would hurt for a few weeks, when Blaine would be lying in his bed alone, wondering what Sebastian is doing now; maybe writing his paper after his shower, wearing his comfortable soft bathrobe that was too big for Blaine. He would glance away from his laptop and see the empty vase Blaine bought him, and he would remember Blaine, his handsome face twisted into a bitter scowl.

But they would both get over it. God knows, maybe Blaine could even _forget_ it all, and there would be no Kurt or _anyone_ to bring the memories back, since no one knows about what happened between them but the two of them.

He could – but he won't.

He won't, because Sebastian's umbrella is hanging next to his coat, and Sebastian let him sleep in his bed, and run after him in the rain when Blaine left without saying anything. He won't, because he remembers Sebastian's relieved grin before getting into the taxi, fingers holding Sebastian's umbrella tight, and Blaine isn't this much of an asshole.

Some beginnings – reunions, second chances, whatever – are rocky, and sometimes life just fucking sucks, but that doesn't mean things can't get better.

His small smile is actually honest when Sebastian calls him up.

"Hi." Sebastian's voice is quiet and a little tired. "Hey, sorry if I'm bothering you, I know it's late and everything. I just… How are you?"

It sounds like _Are you okay?_

"Yeah," Blaine licks his lips. He doesn't want Sebastian to worry about him. Blaine _cheated_, and he doesn't want anyone to feel pity for him. He has to deal with it on his own, without others feeling sorry for him. "I'm fine. You?"

"I'm fine too. Hey, listen… I think it would be, um, good for us to do something that, well, isn't sex."

A part of Blaine feels glad Sebastian apparently wants him for more than sex. A bigger part of him, though, feels ashamed and just really awful; so he isn't good enough for Sebastian. Sebastian expected him to be an awesome lover, he had all those fantasies… But he had to find out that Blaine is a _disappointment_. And now he doesn't want Blaine to embarrass himself even more trying to make Sebastian feel good. _Awesome._

"Like what?" Blaine asks, trying not to show that he feels hurt. He isn't sure if Sebastian is trying to be nice or he wants to make Blaine feel humiliated. He gave up trying to understand Sebastian or predict his next move after the slushie, if he wants to be honest.

"Not dates, 'cause we are not boyfriends, I know that. But… we _are_ friends. So… Let's go somewhere. I don't care where. Cinema, bowling, museums, opera, the fucking zoo, anything, really. Just… in the apartment we would inevitably end up having sex and I… want to do other stuff with you, too."

"Translation: you don't want to have sex with me." Blaine screws his eyes shut, cursing his stupid mouth for not consulting with his brain before letting the words slip out. But he feels humiliation burning inside him, bile rising in his throat, Sebastian's voice ringing in his head; _Should I give you a map to find my prostate?_

There's a long-suffering sigh, and Blaine wonders if Sebastian is just too tired to hide it or if he wants Blaine to know he is getting frustrated.

"I'm trying to make it work, Blaine." Blaine raises a skeptical eyebrow at that and then he immediately feels a bit bad. If Sebastian didn't care he wouldn't have called Blaine up, wondering how he is. "Believe it or not, I want you for more than just your ass."

"Yeah?" Blaine asks. "For example?"

"Don't make me talk about things like that," Sebastian says, and he must be scowling or maybe pouting, Blaine isn't sure. He can't decide whether to laugh or roll his eyes either. "Why do _you_ want me?"

Because… Because why not? Because Blaine is single now and so is Sebastian and wouldn't it be silly to not even give them a chance after everything they went through in high school? Because Sebastian looks lovely with his bangs and Blaine wants to know more about his dreams and plans and kissing him feels _so_ good, and the sex could be just as good, much better, even, they just have to find out how to fit together.

"I told you before, Sebastian. I liked you in high school, there was attraction between us, but I was with Kurt then. Now I'm single. You want me, I want you; there's no reason why we shouldn't try to… to be together."

There's silence, and Blaine wonders if Sebastian expected something else. But it would be a lie if Blaine told him he _loves_ Sebastian and can't live without him, and Blaine doesn't want to lie. There are already too many lies. And anyway, Sebastian wouldn't want a love confession; he would run for the hills if he heard Blaine utter those three little words, probably.

(Maybe one day they will tell it to each other, and it will feel just as natural as it used to feel with Kurt. Probably not, probably they will fall apart way before that, but…)

"So you don't want to do something other than sex?"

"Of course I do," Blaine sighs. "It's just that, well… When it comes to a relationship, any kind of relationship, you know, there are problems. And if we ignore them, if instead of resolving the, um, issues we act like there's nothing wrong and focus on other things… It won't disappear. I know it won't, Sebastian. I have more experience when it comes to relationships."

"Ooh," Sebastian doesn't sound like he actually understands. "So you suggest…?"

"We have to fuck without either of us feeling awful, humiliated, unsatisfied, hurt, and so on. It doesn't have to be _perfect_, but…"

"Dinner is here!" Blaine hears Kurt shout and he quickly whispers a _Sorry, have to go now_ into the phone before ending the call. Living with Kurt has lots of advantages; they share the housework, they take care of Courage and the new kitten together, they can discuss their woes and joys in person instead of using the phone or the webcam. And living alone would _suck_; Blaine isn't sure how Sebastian can do it. Blaine would start to feel depressed after the first week if he had to wake up in an empty house every morning, and if there was no one he could speak to when he gets home. But he remembers Sebastian talking in high school about how his parents were hardly ever home, so he is probably already used to it…

Right now, though, he wishes he didn't live with Kurt. But he can only spend so many nights in a hotel room before Kurt would get seriously worried and probably tell Rachel and Cooper and Burt and even Blaine's mom and dad and Blaine _really_ doesn't want that.

Blaine hurries into the kitchen and takes the pizza out of Kurt's hand as Kurt grins at him.

"So you bought a new umbrella, huh?" Blaine looks up from the pizza. Shit. He should have hidden the umbrella or something. He doesn't want Kurt to find out about Sebastian. Not now. Not yet. "It's cute."

Blaine smiles weakly. He wonders what Sebastian would say if he knew Kurt called his umbrella _cute_. It _is_ cute, a lovely pastel green color, and Blaine has the feeling it was a present; he doubts Sebastian himself would choose an umbrella like this.

"Yeah," Blaine nods. He licks his lips, wanting to apologize again for something he doesn't even remember, but what would be the point? It would be pouring acid into just reopened old wounds.

He watches Kurt wash his hands thoroughly with a heavy feeling in his chest.

Did he really cheat on Kurt? Did he actually sleep with another boy even though he loved Kurt so, so much? Because he remembers that; he remembers being in love with Kurt so much it made him want to scream and cry, a hole in his chest where his heart used to beat, growing bigger and bigger with every day Kurt didn't pick the phone up.

So silly. So fucking ridiculous. He used to be such a _child_.

Blaine thought – hoped and feared at the same time – that having sex with Sebastian would bring the memories back.

It didn't. He still can't remember _anything;_ neither the boy's face nor his name, how far they went and what Blaine felt during it…

But he stayed there, in Sebastian's embrace, until his orgasm. _Again_. Just like the first time they had sex, when Blaine felt like it was empty and impersonal. This time it wasn't empty and impersonal. Instead it brought the worst out of both of them, and Sebastian was right; Blaine was the one who started it, talking about cheating on Kurt instead of focusing on Sebastian. Of course Sebastian wasn't happy about that.

Once upon a time Blaine thought he needs love to have sex. That he just simply can't do it if he isn't in love with the other person.

Oh, how naive, how _wrong_ he used to be.

* * *

><p>"So," Sebastian starts as Blaine takes his shoes off. "We should fuck and it should be… it shouldn't be bad. That's what you want?"<p>

"Yeah," Blaine straightens up, shrugging his coat off. "Believe me, if we don't it'll slowly but surely poison our, um, friendship and our friendship already isn't exactly…" Blaine falls silent, but Sebastian nods in understanding, giving Blaine a tight little smile. "It's both of our fault, okay? I shouldn't have thought about… anything else during it. I'm sorry. And you shouldn't have mocked me. So we know what the problems were, and all we have to do is, well, not repeat them. It shouldn't be too difficult."

"This really isn't how I expected it," Sebastian runs his hand through his hair. He looks frustrated, the corner of his lips twitching.

"What?" Blaine asks, his stomach twisting._  
><em>

"Everything." Sebastian laughs sharply. "The moment I first saw you at Dalton… I had no idea years later we would end up like… _this_. But it doesn't matter. It's okay. We have what we have."

"We don't have to," Blaine spits out, feeling nauseous suddenly. He reaches for his coat, wanting to leave. Fuck this. Blaine won't force Sebastian to do anything Sebastian doesn't want to.

"Don't be so overdramatic, Blaine." Sebastian's hand catches his wrist, his hold gentle but sure, making Blaine's heart skip a beat.

"Now you're being a condescending asshole!" Blaine turns around, pushing his index finger against Sebastian's chest. Sebastian's fingers tighten around his wrist. Blaine isn't sure why he doesn't just pull his hand away. "You weren't expecting this, hm? Well, neither was I, actually! And you think I have never been disappointed? Or you think you're so perfect? And hey, if you don't want me just say so and I…"

"Hey, no, stop." Blaine obeys, even though what he wants the most is to scream into Sebastian's face that he can't just interrupt him like this in the middle of his sentence. But there's a look in Sebastian's eyes that makes Blaine listen to him. "This is your problem. You're so quick to overreact, Blaine. True, I had done things to you that were truly hurtful, but now I was only saying that things are, well, _weird_ between us, which you can't deny either. That's not reason enough for you to get all huffy and leave."

"Get all huffy?" Blaine scowls. "I'm not a child, Sebastian!"

"I know," Sebastian sighs. "But you're certainly acting like one."

Blaine feels all anger leave him as he looks away, his arm falling to his side. Sebastian is right; he_ is_ acting like a child. Ever since he met Sebastian again, jumping into his bed and thinking they are boyfriends, Blaine has been nothing but childish and stupid.

"We can wait for a few days. Even weeks, if you need that." Sebastian lets go of his wrist. "If that would be better. Maybe things are too much, too raw now, and you need some time to be alone. It's totally fine, I understand. Sometimes you just need to not be near a person because it's…"

"What?" Blaine laughs in confusion. "You think I need a few _weeks_ to hide in shame because you humiliated me while fucking? Sebastian, what kind of a delicate little flower do you think I am?"

"Fuck it, you _cried_! Sorry for trying to care!"

"I'm not saying you shouldn't care, but you should trust me enough to believe I know what I want."

"Do you really?"

"Yes!" Blaine fights the urge to stomp his feet. He doesn't want to seem even more _childish_. "You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I thought about it last night, and what we _need_, the most important thing? It's honesty."

"Honesty," Sebastian echoes, rolling the word on his tongue like he has never heard it before.

"While we were waiting for my taxi, what you said about feeling like you only have half of me now, and that it frustrated you that I didn't focus on you, that was a really good start." Sebastian rolls his eyes. Blaine smiles softly, trying not to act like a teacher praising a little kid for doing his homework. But in a way he feels proud of Sebastian, for swallowing his pride to admit that he is hurt, especially to the person who hurt him, even if that really wasn't Blaine's intention. It certainly helped Blaine. He feels guilty; how could he be so selfish he didn't even think about how Sebastian must be feeling? Was it how it was with that boy, too? Was Blaine too busy thinking about Kurt and hating himself to even really look at the other boy? Probably. "You also said that you don't like to be on the bottom, not in the Missionary position." Sebastian opens his mouth, somehow looking both quite pissed and a little flustered, but Blaine quickly continues. "Which is totally understandable, not everyone likes every position. But you should have told me that before, not after. I wouldn't have gotten offended."

"It's not such a big deal," Sebastian scoffs. He looks at Blaine, and there's surprise in his eyes, like he wasn't expecting Blaine to bring it up. Or even remember it. "Really, it's not."

"If we want to have sex that feels good for both of us we have to do it in a position that we both like," Blaine explains. "For me, for example, eye contact is important. The first time we had sex I really missed it, and the second time, well, too many other things were happening to think about that. But I'm telling you now; unless it makes you uncomfortable I think we should look into each other's eyes."

"This sounds a lot like a council of war." Blaine crosses his arms in front of his chest, tilting his head to the side and glaring at Sebastian. Sebastian quickly raises his hands. "Don't get upset, I'm just saying that… I'm not used to it. With the other guys the only thing we had to discuss is whose condom to use."

"Well, we tried to fuck without discussing it, and it didn't work. We have… issues, both of us, and we have to talk about them. If you're not willing to talk let's just end this right now. That was the problem with Kurt too, you know? I wanted to talk with him and I couldn't. And with _us_, Sebastian… I know this is news for you but sometimes your cock isn't enough. I know it's not easy for you to imagine that any man might needs something more than your majestic penis up his ass, but actually…"

"I know, I know," Sebastian grimaces. "You told me already, you think Kurt was a better lover. Whatever. You come here saying you want to _talk_ and be honest and trying to act _mature_ and then you insult me. Great."

Blaine doesn't say anything, his fingers gripping his arms more tightly.

Can they really work? Is it _worth_ trying to make this work? Wouldn't it be easier if they just gave up now, before they start to truly hate each other instead of only being frustrated as hell?

Maybe Sebastian can read his thoughts, maybe they are written on Blaine's face, or maybe he just came to the same conclusion at the same time, Blaine isn't sure, but Sebastian turns away from him. He walks to the couch and picks up his cardigan, putting it onto the table before he sits down and pulls his laptop into his lap. He doesn't even glance up at Blaine before he starts to type, probably continuing writing his paper.

Blaine doesn't know what to do. Should he just leave? Should he say something? Explain, apologize, ask? But suddenly his mind feels empty. It feels like he has already told Sebastian everything, and there's nothing left to say; if Sebastian still doesn't understand him, well, that's it. They reached a dead end.

He stares at Sebastian; the other man reaches blindly for the bottle on the table and raises it to his lips, drinking so greedily a drop of water escapes and slides down his chin, and Blaine follows its journey with fascination until it disappears under Sebastian's shirt. He watches Sebastian run an annoyed hand through his hair; well, it's good to know Blaine isn't the only thing that makes him frustrated, Blaine thinks with a wry smile.

"Hey?" Blaine tries, his voice quiet and tentative, even though he would really, really like to grab a pillow and just whack Sebastian's head with it, _hard_. He doesn't like to be ignored. Especially not right now.

"You sorted out whatever you had to sort out?" Sebastian asks calmly, still not looking up from his laptop. "I told you, it's fine if you need some time to…"

"What if I rode you? What do you think about that position?"

Sebastian's eyebrows disappear under his bangs. Blaine decides to take it as a look of pleasant surprise instead of mocking incredulity.

"Sounds good." There's silence again, until Sebastian closes his laptop and puts it carefully down onto the table before patting his thighs. "Come here already."

Blaine climbs into his lap and Sebastian's lips are on his and his hands are grabbing his ass before Blaine could even blink. It's not desperate or needy, but it's sure and confident, and, in a way, it steadies Blaine. There's no urgency in the way Sebastian's lips press against his, and when Blaine opens his mouth for him Sebastian's tongue moves slowly, curiously, wanting to taste and enjoy without any hurry. It's good, it truly is, but they have no problems with kissing. It's only when it's more…

Blaine closes his eyes, scolding himself for not being able to enjoy the moment. That was the problem last time too.

Blaine's tongue brushes against Sebastian's, and he stiffens, his fingers twitching against Sebastian's shoulders; Sebastian tastes faintly of something sweet; tea with too many spoons of sugar.

"Whoa." Blaine leans back, and he can't help the giddy grin, lips tingling from the kiss. "You made me tea and then drank it?"

Sebastian laughs. "Not bad, Sherlock. There's still some left. You want it?"

"No," Blaine shakes his head. He doesn't remember feeling so light in a while. "Did you miss my kisses? So you made tea to have its taste in your mouth while you're working on your paper, reminding you of me?"

"No," Sebastian scowls, but then the curve of his lips softens into an amused smile. "Maybe."

And Blaine kisses him for it, for his honesty and for the taste in his mouth and for that lovely little smile. He kisses him hard, imagining Sebastian standing up to move his stiff muscles and walking into the kitchen, glancing at the teaspoon lying on the edge of the counter and remembering kissing Blaine.

"Hey," Sebastian's hand moves from Blaine's ass to his face, cupping his cheek, his fingertip brushing the corner of his eye, making his eyelashes flutter. "You remember the Eglantine Roses? When Dave was in the hospital, and you told me on the phone I should give them to him." Blaine nods, feeling like all that happened a lifetime ago. "I think I'm gonna buy a bouquet, tomorrow morning. To put into your vase."

"Really?" Blaine grins.

"Yeah." Sebastian's thumb finds his mouth, pressing down against his lower lip gently, making it tremble. Sebastian's breath hitches, but when Blaine glances into his eyes it's not lust he sees there. It's something lazy, soft, quiet, something Blaine has never seen before. Not in Sebastian's eyes, not in Kurt's or anyone else's expression. He remembers Sebastian's eyes blaze with anger, and turn icy cold with cruel mockery, and darken with raw hurt, and become completely unreadable, he remembers flashes of bright desire, too, but this is something very new.

Warmth curls in Blaine's stomach, and he imagines waking up and raising his head from Sebastian's chest and seeing Sebastian's eyes look down at him like this, imagines finding the same look in his eyes when Sebastian greets him with a kiss as he opens the door, or as the back of their hands brush as they buy popcorn in the cinema.

"I like you," the words rush out of Blaine's mouth and bring such relief that Blaine is left gasping for breath. Suddenly it's like something shifts into place. His love for Kurt, and whatever happened with Facebook boy, they're the past. And the future, god, Blaine doesn't know anything about that. But he knows the present. He knows it now. Some awful mistake in high school Blaine doesn't even _remember_ won't ruin this. Blaine won't let it. If his relationship with Sebastian fails it will do so because of other reasons. "A lot. Sebastian, I really do like you a lot."

"Okay," Sebastian whispers, clearly confused. His eyes lose that unfamiliar but lovely _something_, and instead fill with concern. "Are you alright?"

Blaine presses a little peck to Sebastian's lips before grinning down at him happily. He isn't sure why, but it feels like his heart is too big for his chest, so filled to the brim with a joy that makes him feel relieved and silly and vulnerable all at the same time. "Yep."

He wraps one arm around Sebastian's waist as he grabs Sebastian's fingers with his other hand, pulling his hand away from his face. He intertwines their fingers and just looks at them. Sebastian's fingers are long and pale, and Blaine remembers how Sebastian kissed the back of his hand at that café. It was such a strange thing; it should have been a sweet and romantic gesture, but it was more like something teasing, mocking, even. That was Sebastian's specialty even back in high school; giving Blaine that one Eglantine Rose and cheering him on and sometimes smiling warmly at him and calling him _sunshine_ and _flawless _while being, well, _Sebastian_. Confusing the fuck out of Blaine with a cocky, flirty grin, making Blaine feel too many conflicting emotions for him, being such a… a horrible and stupid and interesting and lovely person.

He draws Sebastian's hand to his lips, his tongue darting out to lick at the tip of Sebastian's thumb, quirking a challenging eyebrow. Sebastian's lips open in a wide smile.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Anderson?"

Blaine bursts out laughing, ducking his head and pressing his forehead against Sebastian's shoulder. He feels Sebastian's body tremble under him as he laughs with Blaine, wrapping his arms around Blaine's shoulders. When the laughter subsides they remain like that, the warmth of Sebastian's body and the scent of his cologne, the feeling of his strong arms around Blaine's shoulders making Blaine smile into the fabric of Sebastian's shirt.

They move to Sebastian's bed only because it's bigger than the couch and because the lube is on the bedside table. Blaine worries his lip with his teeth as he slowly sinks down onto Sebastian's cock, gripping Sebastian's shoulders tight.

"You okay?" Sebastian murmurs. Blaine nods, their naked thighs pressing together hot and sweaty as he shifts on Sebastian's lap. There's an ache as Sebastian fills him, but it's expected and more than bearable.

"Tell me something," Blaine whispers, not wanting to speak loudly. The position is intimate, face to face and close to each other, but in a way it gives Blaine confidence, the knowledge that if Sebastian says anything awful he can just get off his lap and leave him. Though the chances of _Blaine_ ruining it is just as high, actually… "Something nice."

"You feel good?" Sebastian tries with a half-smile. "Should I go for 'dirty nice' or 'cheesy nice'?"

Blaine laughs a little, closing his eyes as he tentatively raises his thighs a bit. He would lie if he said he didn't miss sex on a purely mindless, instinctual level. It never became a need strong enough that he had no choice but to find a one night stand, but now that he finally has it again he suddenly remembers how great it felt with Kurt. His boyfriends after Kurt just weren't what he wanted, but Sebastian, fuck, he _is_ what Blaine wants. He has always been, even if not as a boyfriend, but Blaine can't remember a moment he didn't think Sebastian is smoking hot. He _loved_ Kurt, but fuck if he wasn't _attracted_ to Sebastian just as much as he was to his actual boyfriend.

"You have pretty eyes, Sebastian." Blaine sighs, lowering himself again until Sebastian is completely inside him again. "Very greenish." Sebastian laughs at that, said eyes sparkling a little with mirth. "Not that that can be seen very well. Your pupils are big now. You're aroused. Not that your," Blaine gasps in surprise as his curious wriggling in Sebastian's lap make the head of Sebastian's cock press against his prostate, and he grinds back against the pleasure, head falling back before he remembers that eye contact is important and that there is a sentence he has yet to finish, "your dick up my ass isn't a good enough clue, of course."

Sebastian smirks, pleased and proud, smug, even, but instead of making Blaine angry or insecure this smugness only lights a fire in his stomach, making him shiver all over. Sebastian's hands find Blaine's hips and curl against his skin like they were made for that place on Blaine's body. For a moment he is worried Sebastian wants to change Blaine's slow, tentative rhythm to something harder and quicker, to something more, but Sebastian's hands just remain there, warm and sure on Blaine's hips. Blaine is glad; he wants all the control he can have now. "Your eyes are even prettier."

"I know," Blaine grins. "I mean I know you think that. You told me after Regionals, when we became friends again after the slushie. You even asked me if I have contact lenses."

"You remember that?"

Blaine shrugs. "I had no reason to forget about that."

It's as if the sun suddenly disappeared behind dark clouds and left the world gloomy. Sebastian must have noticed it too, or maybe he is just good at reading Blaine, because suddenly his fingers are under Blaine's chin and he gently forces Blaine to look him in the eye. Sebastian's eyes are serious and soft, but it feels like too many things are still hidden from Blaine in them. The thought makes Blaine feel vulnerable and annoyed; he has no idea what Sebastian is thinking or feeling even though Sebastian seems to be able to look through him frighteningly easily. But Sebastian has always been good at understanding others, finding their weak spots, their insecurities and fears. That made him such a great manipulative asshole in high school, after all.

"Should we stop?" Sebastian asks him. Blaine hesitates, screwing his eyes shut. What would be worse; stopping now and leaving them both unsatisfied, or finishing but not being able to concentrate on Sebastian yet again?

"Tell me something," Blaine says, his voice pleading. "About you, about me, about us. Anything. As long as it's nice."

"I had fantasies like this." Sebastian pauses, like he isn't sure he wants to continue. But Blaine quickly smiles down at him, lips shaking in his pleasure, and Sebastian starts to speak again, his fingers grabbing Blaine's erection. Blaine moans appreciatively, raising his hips and fucking himself down on Sebastian's dick again and again, moving with confidence. It's surprisingly easy, but Blaine guesses it's like riding a bicycle; once you learn it you'll always know how to do it. "We were at Dalton, doing homework in our room, and you got bored and took the book out of my hands and just climbed into my lap and then moved on my dick until you came, and I fucked you through the aftershocks. And there was another one where you had your hands behind your back, tied together, and…" Blaine stares down at him, feeling sparks of shock and desire rush through his blood at the image, and Sebastian kisses him once, quick and soft. "Sorry, if that was too much or…"

"Fuck no," Blaine shakes his head, and he isn't sure what pushes him over the edge; the flush on Sebastian's cheeks, the weight of his hands on Blaine's hips or the thought of seventeen years old Sebastian in his bed, touching himself thinking about Blaine bouncing on his cock, wrists tied together behind his back. Blaine comes in messy white stripes across Sebastian's stomach, fingernails digging into Sebastian's shoulders.

Sebastian comes a moment or two later, his face pressed against Blaine's neck – and even in the haze of his pleasure Blaine can't help but feel just a flicker of disappointment; he wanted to look into Sebastian's eyes when he came. But maybe that would have been too much, too intimate for Sebastian. Honestly, Blaine was surprised Sebastian agreed to any kind of eye contact.

"So…?" The word is a puff of warm breath against Blaine's skin.

"It was okay," Blaine nods, sighing both in relief and loss as he climbs off Sebastian's lap and falls onto the mattress, staring up at the ceiling before turning his head towards Sebastian. Sebastian tilts his head, looking a bit offended. "Fine. It was _great_. Fist bump? To celebrate?" Sebastian laughs, shaking his head in amusement, but he accepts it. Blaine raises his arms toward him to pull him down to lie next to him, but Sebastian is already out of the bed.

"If you wanna celebrate let's do it properly," Sebastian winks down at him, and Blaine wonders if he wants a round two. He isn't against that_ at all_ but he needs at least ten minutes to be able to get hard again. And he wants to bask in their success first, no matter how ridiculous the whole thing is. He had sex with Sebastian Smythe and it didn't make him feel any kind of negative emotions, at least not for more than a few heartbeats, and that's _great_. "Courvoisier and cigarette? And I wanna wipe your come off my stomach. I'll be back in a minute."

"You smoke?"

Sebastian shrugs. "Not really. But mom accidentally left a packet here a month ago. I don't know if I like it but it makes me feel cool, so…" Sebastian laughs, and this time he is clearly laughing at himself. "You know how I am. I like to seem cool. It's quite important for me, even if no one else is actually there to see it. And… smoke makes things disappear or something like that. It's some kind of illusion thingy." Blaine tries to follow the train of thought, but it's not very easy, and he must be frowning in confusion or something because Sebastian's eyes flicker to his face and it makes him laugh at himself again. "I know it sounds dumb. But at least I understand it now better than I did in high school. That there are certain parts of me that I'm not exactly sure I want to see. Not that nicotine helps with that, but… It's about the smoke part of the cigarette, you know?"

Blaine isn't sure he does, but Sebastian doesn't expect an answer, because the next moment he is gone. Blaine smiles into Sebastian's pillow, thinking about how lovely Sebastian looked in nothing but his slippers, with Blaine's come on his stomach and his cheeks the slightest pink from sex, struggling with his words.

_That there are certain parts of me that I'm not exactly sure I want to see._

Blaine knows how that feels, of course. He went to absurd lengths – somehow managing to fucking wipe his memories out and change his past, like in some movie – so that he doesn't have to see those certain parts, doesn't have to live with the knowledge that he…

"Shit, I forgot to ask," Sebastian reappears, now wearing a dark green bathrobe, tied so Blaine can't see much skin. "Do you even like Courvoisier?"

"I guess," Blaine smiles. To be honest he doesn't know much about Courvoisier, but it's some kind of cognac, isn't it? Its alcohol content must be way more than a beer's. Blaine _really_ isn't sure he wants to get drunk. That could turn into a disaster quite easily. But if he drinks only a little that surely won't hurt anyone.

"You can have something else. I went to the grocery store last night, so I have beer, mineral water _and_ orange juice."

"Courvoisier is fine," Blaine nods. Orange juice, _really_? He is not a kid.

It's certainly better than drinking cheap beer in a hotel room all alone. Sebastian looks glorious in his bathrobe, a collarbone just peeking out and begging Blaine to tease it with his lips and tongue, a cigarette between his fingers and a content smile on his lips.

"Life is golden now," Sebastian grins. "Courvoisier, mom's cigarette and a recently fucked Blaine Anderson with his legs tangled in my blanket."

Blaine almost chokes on his Courvoisier.

_Not that you did much_, is his first thought, which, actually, couldn't be further from the truth. Sure, Blaine's thighs did most of the work, but without Sebastian's eyes and words to reassure and comfort him they couldn't have done it.

Sebastian offers him the cigarette, and Blaine takes a drag slowly, careful not to cough.

"One evening I smoked and then I went home and mom caught the smell on my coat." Blaine smiles fondly at the memory. "I was chatting with Rachel in my room and mom screamed to come to her _right now_ and I was like 'Whoa, mom, I didn't do anything'. I was already eighteen at that time and she was overreacting_ a lot_, but she was just worried about me. But it made me a little scared of her, like 'Can I get away with _anything_ without her knowing about it?'. Actually she knows about my sexuality too, so do my dad and my big brother."

"Are they okay with it?" Sebastian takes a sip of his drink, his eyes solemn. "I mean if you don't want to talk about it I understand, of course."

Blaine shrugs. He stretches his legs, moves his arm to find a more comfortable position.

"They are mostly okay with it, I think. Cooper really doesn't care whether I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Mom and dad, well, they support me too, but I feel like, I don't know. Like they still hope that one day I'll realize that I like women too. Not that they wouldn't come to my wedding with a man, or that they would disown me if I adopted a kid with him, and I think they would love me just as much, but I feel like they would be, you know, disappointed. Like when I was dating Kurt in high school mom was totally cool with it, she was all smiles and kinds words, but I feel like she hoped it's just a teenager thing. I don't know if this makes sense."

"It does," Sebastian takes the cigarette back. "I think my parents only care that I'll be an attorney one day. Like I could fucking die and as long as I come back as a ghost to follow in dad's footsteps they don't give a fuck about anything else." Sebastian sighs, pushing a hand into his hair. So it seems that not only Blaine and his university paper, but also his parents frustrate him sometimes. "Okay, obviously that's not true like that, I was a bit overdramatic. Never mind."

"Your mom seemed nice, that one time we talked." Blaine knows that doesn't necessarily mean anything; the way parents act with others is often quite different from the way they are with their own children. "A bit strange, though. In some ways. No offense."

Sebastian snorts. "None taken."

And then he takes the glass out of Blaine's hand and then they are kissing, Blaine making a sound of surprise muffled by Sebastian's lips. The kiss tastes like Courvoisier and cigarette, and it's a mess of tongue and teeth, hard and demanding, and there, with his naked body pressed into the bed by Sebastian's bigger, bathrobe-clad body, his fingers grasping the soft fabric, his eyelids drooping half closed, it hits Blaine how different this is than how it was with Kurt. And there's no point trying to compare the two. It's something else.

It's something new.

Even if it only lasts for a few days, even if Sebastian calls him up next week to tell him he got bored of him, even then, for that little while this is a new chapter of Blaine Anderson's life. And it doesn't belong to Kurt or to that boy on Facebook, or to either his or Sebastian's parents. It belongs only to the two of them.

"You taste different now," Sebastian's eyes are bright and confusing, _mysterious_ above him, and right, Blaine almost forgot; he doesn't know what the fuck Sebastian feels or wants. "You tasted so sweet before, all that sugar and tea. Now you don't taste like that."

"Yeah, well, I suppose that's what I am." It doesn't make Blaine feel sick anymore, he doesn't hate himself so fiercely now. He just feels resigned, almost calm. "At first I'm all sweet and sugary, and then I'm… not."

Sebastian stares down at him like, eyebrows drawn together. "That's not what I meant. It was just an observation."

"I know," Blaine nods. "But if you can go all poetic or whatever with your mom's cigarette and talk about feeling cool yet disappearing in the smoke I can do the same. I know you're disappointed in me, you told me, after all. And I can and I will and already did apologize, but… but I can't do anything about what happened in the past."

"Idiot," Sebastian scowls, but there's no anger in his tone. There's a bit of bitterness in his eyes, though, and it makes Blaine feel quite sad all of a sudden. "Took you so long to get it. I could understand it _years_ ago, after all the lying and blackmailing and hurting others and being the worst little shit a teenager could be. The past only defines our future if we let it."

"That sounded super cool," Blaine grins, wriggling under Sebastian to wrap his legs around his waist, heels digging into Sebastian's bathrobe. "Who cares what your parents want? Fuck being an attorney; obviously your true destiny is to be a philosopher."

"That was common sense, actually." The cigarette is back between Sebastian's lips, and before Blaine could turn his head away there's smoke everywhere in his face, making him cough and glare up at Sebastian through the smoke. Sebastian looks half-amused, half-guilty.

"Is this about what you said before?" Blaine frowns. "Wanting to disappear or make me disappear with your cigarette?"

Sebastian snorts. "I just wanted to see you look adorable coughing and glaring at me. Sorry."

Blaine rolls his eyes. "That's pretty mean." And suddenly his hands are tugging Sebastian's bathrobe open and he is tickling Sebastian mercilessly, and Sebastian is making these soft little half laughing, half protesting sounds, his face pressed into the pillow right next to Blaine's head. Blaine listens to him, thinking about how unrestrained Sebastian sounds now. Neither of them is very vocal when it comes to sex, at least not with each other during all three times they fucked, though Blaine wasn't really a screamer with Kurt either and he doubts Sebastian made lots of noise with strangers in gay bar restrooms. But the way Sebastian laughs now, breathless and free and _almost_ giggling tugs Blaine's lips into a happy smile.

_We have what we have._

The echo of Sebastian's words this time doesn't make him feel sick. He turns his head to the side, pushing his nose into Sebastian's hair, inhaling its scent. His smile widens.

Sebastian is right.

They have what they have, and maybe – probably – it isn't enough.

But maybe it is.

(He doesn't have the chance to think about what _it_ is or what it should be enough for, because Sebastian's lips are on his own and Blaine melts into the kiss, legs tightening around Sebastian's waist and hands roaming under his bathrobe, making Sebastian tremble above him.)


End file.
